Originally published February 3, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1107

Long ago, in an industry far, far away…

COMIC WARS

Chapter 5:

“The Empire Strikes Back Issues”

…On the run

from the machin-

ations of the Comic Empire

and its new weapon, The Death

World, the Distributor Alliance has been

Arguing in its secret base of Norleens over what

action it should take. In the midst of their debate with the

Rebel Retailers, members of the Alliance are alarmed to learn

that Comic Empire representative Marv Vader has arrived and will

show up at any moment…                                                               ..

As one, the Rebel Retailers tried to bolt for the door.

“Stop it!” shouted Admiral Capgem, trying to bring them to order. “Stop it! Are we Rebels and courageous businessmen or are we panic-stricken amateurs?”

General Thought called over the sound of pounding feet, “Is there something in between we could latch onto?”

Suddenly, the door exploded inward. The Rebels fell back, gasping in shock.

Marv Vader, tall and imposing, stood in the doorway. He was dressed entirely in white, with a large “M” painted on the mask that encompassed his face.

He was holding a box from a bakery in his hands. For a long moment, the only sound in the room was the slow, steady rattling of Marv’s breathing.

“Who’d like some pie?” asked Marv Vader.

Immediately, the retailers started to move forward.

“Hold it!” shouted Admiral Capgem, and the retailers skidded to a halt. He turned and faced Marv Vader. “What are you doing here, Vader?”

“Why, I belong here now. I am a distributor, after all.”

“Just buying a distributorship and turning it into the Death World doesn’t turn you into one of us,” said Admiral Capgem.

“He’s right,” said General Concern. “You’ve crossed a line that should not have been crossed, Marv.”

“A line?” laughed Marv Vader, putting down the pie box. The retailers eyed it hungrily. “That’s always been a fairly elastic commodity, hasn’t it? Distributors have published comics. Retailers have published comics. You people have gone into competition with us time and again, yet now you display your moral outrage, just because we have decided to turn the tables?”

“You can’t compare the two,” said General Disagreement. “You can’t seriously believe that distributors publishing some comics here and there could possibly provide any genuine competition to you. That’s ridiculous.”

“Oh, really? As ridiculous as several former employees of the Comic Empire going into competition with us?”

There was a momentary silence, and Marv Vader took the opportunity to open up the pie box.

The Rebels stared at it in disappointment. Only about 35% of it was there.

“Dissatisfied?” asked Marv Vader. “Frustrated? Then think how we feel. Our piece of the pie used to be immense. We’ve watched it shrink, year after year, while you people chortle and we’re helpless to do anything!”

“Since, of course, publishing quality material was out of the question,” sneered General Unlimited.

There was a gasp. Slowly Marv Vader’s glance centered on General Unlimited. He leaned forward and extended his thumb and index finger, rumbling, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

There was a long, long silence.

“What are you doing?” asked General Unlimited.

“I’m crushing your head,” said Marv Vader, waggling the fingers in a pincer move. “Crushing it like an eggshell. Your brains are going to spill out and all over because I’m crushing your head—”

“Knock it off, Vader!” snapped Admiral Capgem.

Marv Vader lowered his hand. “All right. I’ll spare you for now. And the reason I will is—I’m here to help you.”

There was general laughter.

“Quiet, General Laugher,” said General Malaise.

“Vader, you can’t be serious.”

“Of course I’m serious. We’re not out to destroy the direct market. We’re here to help it.”

“By doing something that’s good for you.”

“That’s correct. If it’s good for the Comic Empire, then, by definition, it’s good for the marketplace.”

“Hah!” declared Capgem, slamming his fist on the table. “That’s where you’ve made your mistake. You care only about yourselves. About your bottom line. About snatching up customers and expanding your control of the marketplace.”

“If that’s the case,” shot back Marv Vader, “then the only thing that makes us different from you is that we can put you out of business.”

“This is a power play, that’s all!”

Vader spread his hands wide. “I’m not saying it is. I’m not saying it isn’t. But if it were—can you blame us? Once up a time—”

[Music began to swell.]

“—there were many, many distributors, and they kept peace in the Industry. But through the years, they began to fall, one by one, absorbed by a handful of distributors which grew in power and influence. Eventually, they had incredible power over us. And we were very vulnerable. Now—now we are taking power over our destiny back again.”

[The music quieted down, as the exposition ended.]

Admiral Capgem strode toward Vader until they were practically nose to nose. “This was always your plan, wasn’t it? Even in the beginning. Year after year, all your programs for the retailers—your Sales Force criss-crossing the country—”

“The power of the Distributor Alliance is insignificant compared to the power of the Sales Force,” Marv Vader acknowledged.

“Your presentations—all of it—all those years, we were suspicious that you were doing it for the long-term purpose of cutting us out. Of taking over our retailers.”

“Indeed?” said Vader. “Is that the way you see it? Or could it be that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy? That your attempts to block our good-faith plans raised our frustration level to the point where we could no longer live with your paranoia?”

“It’s not paranoia,” said General Unlimited quietly, “if you are out to get us.”

Vader slowly surveyed them and then deliberately turned his back on Admiral Capgem. When he spoke to the Rebel Retailers, it was with a calm, even engaging, tone.

“Look, fellas,” he said, “you can tell we’re good guys. See? I’m wearing white.”

There was murmuring among the retailers of, “Y’know, he’s got a point.”

“It’s just you and the Comic Empire for a change,” he said. “Every year, the business changes. And, every year, the Comic Empire adapts. This year, these changes will be more dramatic, which is why—”

“Aw, maaan,” moaned Admiral Capgem. “Why don’t you be a little more obvious about it, huh? Just throw it in our faces, okay?”

“Already done,” said Marv Vader, smiling under his mask. He made a fist, his leather glove crackling. “You have no idea how good it is to re-establish our dominance once more. For years we were the leaders, and people like you kept tearing us down: criticizing us, treating us with disrespect. Why do you treat us with such disrespect?

“Well, now we are the industry leaders once more. If it means instilling fear in the industry, so be it. If it means trashing the status quo and remaking it in our image—sorry—likeness, why, then, we’ll do that, too. You complain to us about your problems all the time and don’t care about ours.”

Thunder began to rumble across the sky. “That’s all changed now, hasn’t it?” Vader continued. “The mere mention of our name and our weapon, The Death World, sends everybody shaking. We hold all the cards! We are in power here! We are an unstoppable behemoth, looking to our best year ever, and nothing can—”

A phone rang. General Bell picked it up, listened a moment, and then said to Marv Vader, “It’s for you.”

Vader picked up the phone, put it to his helmet. He paused, listened—and his harsh breathing began to speed up. It was impossible to see his face under his mask, but, clearly, he was agitated.

“I…I don’t…but you…you can’t be serious. I—” There was another long silence, and then the phone slipped from his hands.

Even Admiral Capgem was interested. “What happened?”

“I’ve—I’ve been fired,” said Marv Vader, unable to disguise his astonishment. “We’re downsizing, and I…I never thought that I…I was sure it would be someone else—I—”

“You, uhm… you want to sit down, Marv—”

Vader slammed his hands down so hard on Capgem’s desk that it shattered. “Those creeps! Those no-good, two-bit slobs! I hate them! I hate them and I hope they all die with festering boils on their private parts.”

And he stormed out the door.

Admiral Capgem looked over the assorted Rebel Retailers. They were all puzzled, confused, and uncertain.

Suddenly a new figure appeared at the door.

Capgem looked up and gasped in relief. “General Consensus! We’ve been waiting for you! Come. Tell us your opinion.”

General Consensus looked them over and then said simply, “We are cursed to live in interesting times.” Then he turned and walked out.

With a low moan, Capgem sank behind the broken frame of his desk. “I was afraid he would say that,” said Capgem.

“But what did any of this have to do with back issues? I’m drowning in back issues, I don’t know where my next comics are coming from, and the title of this episode makes no sense at all!”

Once again General Panic had had the final word, and yet, despite reader demand, it wasn’t over yet.

Next week:

Chapter 6:

Return of the Jepi

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. And, if you don’t like this column, then he finds your lack of faith disturbing…)