The Book of Gen-X-is

Originally published February 14, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1213

From The Book of Gen-X-is:

In the beginning, the comic book market was void and without form.

And the Lord looked down upon the comic book market and stretched out His hand. And two forms spun out into the ether and were shaped into existence.

And the Lord called one Marvel and the other DC, and, sure, there were some other companies like Atlas and Archie and Gold Key, but, lo, they were not truly important. And the Lord looked upon His work, and found it Good. And that was the first day.

And the Lord created retailers to stock the comic books. And, lo, the retailers went out of business, and the Lord realized His omission and, from the soil of the earth, created customers to patronize the stores.

And because that fiasco with Eve had left a bad taste in His mouth, the Lord created only male customers and comics to appeal only to the male, so that icky girls would not come along and mess things up.

And, lo, the retailers continued to go out of business, and the Lord realized His further omission and created the sun so that it would not be dark all the time, and thus would the customers be able to find the stores so they could patronize them. And the Lord looked upon His work and found it Good. And that was the second day.

And the Lord spake unto the customers, for it was still ancient times and words such as “spake” were still in use. “Go forth and multiply,” for the Lord wished them to create more customers from the fruits of their loins.

But, lo, this was a futile endeavor, for as soon as the customers began using their loins for the purpose of bearing fruit, they completely lost interest in comic books and, instead, focused on those pesky female non-comic book fans. And, angered, the Lord spake unto the customers (see previous explanation for “spake”) and said, “I desired multiplying of comic book fans. Do not disobey me, for I am the Lord.”

And His voice was great and terrifying, particularly the “I am the Lord” part, which was so booming that the fans did not quite hear it right and thought that He had said, “I am the law,” and, lo, this inspired a fairly interesting comic book character and not-particularly-good film. And, furthermore, the fans also misunderstood and thought that He desired that they purchase comic books in multiples. So they began to do that very thing, and, although there were not more fans being created, at least the fans who were there were purchasing enough comics to support their retailers. And the Lord looked upon it, and it was not Good, so He downgraded it to Fair. And that was the third day.

And, lo, sales were spiraling downward, and DC Comics imploded, and Marvel wasn’t in terrific shape, for comic books were low-profit-margin, high-maintenance items in a time when newsstands desired high-profit-making, low-maintenance items.

And, lo, comics sales were spiraling but had nowhere to go, and the Lord stretched forth His hand and created toilets, and, lo, sales went down the toilet, and it was a rocky time for Marvel and DC. And, lo, the Lord decided to take control of the matter.

And He stretched out His hand and God created Phil Seuling.

And the Lord spake unto Seuling and said, “Go thou and buy direct from the publisher.” And Seuling said, “But the publishers have never sold direct.” And God said, “Trust me… like it says on the money,” a joke which was later used in Oh, God! which was a fairly good movie and far better than its sequels, which is usually the case except for the Godfather films and maybe Lethal Weapon II.

And Seuling went on his mission from the Lord, and, lo, the direct market was created. And the publishers thrived, and the retailers thrived, and the Lord looked upon his work and upgraded it above Good to Near Mint. And that was the fourth day.

And the Lord decided that Seuling was lonely and that the direct market had tremendous potential.

And the Lord stretched out his hand—and God created Geppi.

And while He was at it, He also created Glenwood and Comics Unlimited and Friendly Frank’s and Second Genesis and Capital and Bud Plant and Pacific and Heroes World and Cavco and warehouses and overnight freighting and rack-support programs and co-op advertising and trade shows and creator-appearance programs. But above them all, there remained Geppi, His greatest creation.

And the retailers thrived, and more publishers came into existence, and, lo, there was great happiness throughout the land.

And Geppi looked out upon the land, and God spake unto Geppi and said, “And, lo, someday, all this shall be yours, for I favor you above all others—well, you and Carl Barks. Go forth, Geppi, and do as thou wilt, for I am with you.”

And Geppi went forth and opened warehouses. And he acquired and acquired and grew and grew, a colossus in the industry, his mighty stride carrying him from one end of the comic book business to the other. And many were those who quaked at the mere mention of the name Geppi, for they knew him to be The One.

And his actions were pleasing unto the Lord, and the Lord spake unto Geppi and said, “Thou hast done well, my greatest creation, but tomorrow thou shalt face they greatest challenge, which I shall create to test you, my greatest creation.”

And the Lord would not give a hint as to what that might be, no matter how much Geppi asked. And this teed off Geppi, but he was willing to wait, for he knew that in the end it would all be his.

And the Lord looked upon his work and found it Mint. And that was the fifth day.

And the Lord stretched out his hand and created The Anti-Geppi, the devourer, the scourge, the leaver of scorched earth, he who was to be reviled. And men spoke The Anti-Geppi’s name in fear, for The Anti-Geppi was called Ron, and Ron was the name by which he was called. And The Anti-Geppi devoured Marvel Comics and he devoured Heroes World and transformed it into an agency to further his own ends. And, lo, The Anti-Geppi brought the direct market crumbling down around the ears of all those concerned. And Comics Unlimited unleashed its Mighty Wang, And The Mighty Wang spoke out against The Anti-Geppi. And the wrath of The Anti-Geppi was a fearsome thing, and The Anti-Geppi smote The Mighty Wang. And Geppi reached out and grabbed the fallen Wang before more damage could be done.

And The Anti-Geppi sliced through the direct market like a scythe through wheat, leveling all in his path. And Heroes World trying to serve the direct market was like a handless man trying to tie his shoes, but The Anti-Geppi cared not, and, lo, it was a terrible thing, as The Anti-Geppi laid waste to years of work.

But he was not able to smite Geppi, try as he might. Instead, Geppi allied with DC, and Geppi absorbed all the remaining distributors with an efficiency that The Borg would have envied, and, lo, The Anti-Geppi continued his hideous ways, but there was Geppi, still standing, still defiant.

And the Lord spake unto Geppi and said, “As I have promised, all this is now yours.”

And Geppi replied to the Lord, “Oh, are you still here? You can leave now. I’m in charge.”

“But I am your creator,” the Lord said unto Geppi. “I am God.”

And Geppi had some people come around and have a few words with the Lord, and the Lord decided that perhaps it would be wiser not to challenge Geppi. And He did not look upon his handiwork, because he was too busy packing. And that was the sixth day.

And on the seventh day God rested, because He had earned the time off, and because Geppi felt that it would probably be the wiser course. And Geppi looked upon the smoking remains of the direct market, and it was His, and He found it Good.

 

Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at To Be Continued Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Note: Some translations of the book of Gen-X-is indicate that the direct market—and pretty much everything else—was, in fact, created by Jim Shooter. Many scholars tend to dismiss these interpretations; we mention it here in the interest of historical thoroughness.