We need to discuss something pointless

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

Something on par with the sort of stupid discussion you’d hear in a bar or see at a convention.
Plus I’ve watched a few too many of those “Best (fill in the blanks) in movies.”
So I’ve decided we should collectively put together a list of the Twenty Best Úš-Kickings in movies


I took the precaution of running a goggle search on the subject and, sure enough, found someone had already put together such a list. But I consider his choices, for the most part, inadequate. So I want to put together a list that kicks the ášš of the other ášš-kicking list.
What do I mean by ášš-kickings? I mean a fight where someone gets his head handed to him, sometimes literally. An ášš-kicking that is iconic. That when you mention it, it immediately calls the moment to mind and you go, Oh God, yes, I remember that. It shouldn’t be a fight that’s going along fairly evenly matched and then someone wins at the end, such as the battle between Robin Hood and Sir Guy in “The Adventures of Robin Hood.” An ášš-kicking should, for the most part, be someone who is rapidly outmatched and gets more so by the moment. It can even be that the fight winds up turning out the other way, but in the course of it someone still gets their ášš kicked.
At this point, I’m not putting them in any order. Eventually, once I get a sense of the room, I will.
There are my thoughts:
BLADE RUNNER: Rick Dekkard versus Roy Batty. Bad enough that he almost dies between the muscular thighs of Darryl Hannah (which, let’s face it, there’s worse ways to go.) But Dekkard can muster little more than one long retreat before winding up at Batty’s mercy. If Batty had let go, Dekkard’s ášš is little more than grass.
MONTY PYTHON & THE HOLY GRAIL: King Arthur vs. the Black Knight. Rarely has someone’s ášš been more comprehensively kicked than the Black Knight. Yet even more famous than his dismemberment is his absolute refusal to acknowledge it. “It’s just a flesh wound,” has entered the language as an example of denial at its greatest.
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: Indiana Jones versus the German Mechanic. Barely edging out Indy getting thrown out the front of a moving truck, this wins because in the truck sequence, Indy rallies and comes out on top. In the mechanic battle, staged in front of a moving airplane, Indy winds up flat on his back and helpless, and only wins because the mechanic didn’t think to look behind him when a propeller swung his way.
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Luke vs. Vader. For much of the time, Luke seems overmatched, and yet there are brief moments where you think he’s going to rally. So it’s all the more crushing and shocking when he loses his hand. What kicks the ášš-kicking to an entirely new level is that, not only is he beaten physically, but the revelation of who did it crushes him spiritually.
WITNESS: John Book versus a bunch of punks. Harrison Ford finally on the right side of a whupping. When a bunch of smart mouth teens hassle the Amish, Book advances on them despite the caution that, “It’s not our way.” His terse, “But it’s MY way” underscores why he and Rachel will never make it together as he proceeds to issue the teens a single warning and then tap dances on their faces. Speaking of tap dancing…
CLOCKWORK ORANGE: Alex vs. the Author. The only ášš-kicking that is as famed for its perverse use of “Singing in the Rain” as the actual ášš-kicking itself.
ALIENS: Ripley vs. the Alien Queen. An ášš-kicking that announces itself in the unforgettable moment of Ripley emerging in a power loader and bellowing, “Get away from her, you bìŧçh!” No longer running, Ripley lays all her nightmares of aliens to rest by smacking, pummeling, burning, and crushing the queen before chucking her out of the ship, and all it costs her is a sneaker.
ROCKY II: Rocky vs. Apollo Creed. The other list acknowledges Apollo being killed by Ivan in Rocky III, but I’m sorry, if you’re going to have a Rocky-related ášš-kicking, then Rocky should be participating. The second film takes it because it’s a rare double ášš-kicking, with both boxers desperately crawling back to their corners.
DIE HARD: John McClane versus Karl. Pity poor Karl: He was just trying to avenge the death of his brother. Too bad his brother was one of the bad guys. Particularly memorable since it’s an ášš-kicking accompanied by what one would hear in a real-life ášš-kicking, namely an almost non-stop string of profanity. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bruce Willis ad libbed some of that family unfriendly diatribe as he pounds on Alexander Godunov before leaving him hanging by the neck. Props to Karl for surviving and almost having the last laugh…before getting his ášš kicked yet again courtesy of an alert cop blowing him away.
TERMINATOR II: The Terminator versus the T1000. Literally getting his head handed to him, Arnold’s iconic bionic gets slammed in the head repeatedly by an I-beam, then pummeled with a metal rod before getting speared through the chest. Yeah, sure, he blows up the T1000 at the end, but that hardly erases the thorough thrashing he took at the hands of the far smaller, but far meaner, T1000.
I have some other thoughts, but let’s see what you guys come up with.
PAD

205 comments on “We need to discuss something pointless”

  1. robert d:
    you are correct, sir.
    one shall stand.
    one shall fall.

  2. SERENITY: If you’re going to look at this movie, you have to count Mal’s final fight against the Operative. In many ways, he’s completely outclassed as witnessed by their first fight, but then they made the big mistake of giving Mal something to fight for again… And he sure as hëll gives almost as good as he gets.

  4. Lots of great choices, I’d like to cast my vote for Luthor, Batman and Superman versus a horde of Parademons and the Big Man himself, Darkseid in the finale of Justice League Unlimited.
    “You can take it… can’t ya Big Man…” Supes whaled on Ol’ Stony, gets cutdown by the ‘Agnoy Matrix’ and then Luthor saves his ášš “Sorry I’m late, I had to get my ‘power suit'”.
    Also, from the Ninth Doctor…
    The Doctor: No! ‘Cause this is what I’m going to do: I’m going to rescue her! I’m going to save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dalek fleet! And then I’m going to save the Earth! And then, just to finish off, I’m going to wipe every last stinking Dalek out of the sky!
    Dalek 1: But you have no weapons! No defenses! No plan!
    The Doctor: Yeah! And doesn’t that scare you to death? Rose?
    Rose: Yes, Doctor?
    The Doctor: I’m coming to get you.
    That ended up as quite the ášš-kicking… thanks to a big yellow truck.

  5. Wimp-Lo was the deliberately poorly-trained fighter in “Kung Pow.” And he did get quite the beatdown. I don’t know if it qualifies as epic though…
    I’d have to second he painful-to-watch beatdowns of “Yojimbo”/”Fistful of Dollars”, the set-piece climax of “Leon the Professional” vs. what might as well be every cop in the NYPD, and the Megatron/Optimus Prime deathmatch in 1984’s animated “Transformers” for inclusion on PAD’s list. I would have to (regretfully!) rule out the Indy vs. Swordsman fight from “Raiders”; while definitely completely one-sided, I don’t know that it would qualify as a knock-down drag-out ášš-kicking.

  7. I’m gonna go with the Aliens vs. the marines in the movie Aliens.
    Bill Paxton gave it his best, but in the end he was toast.
    The other one I’m going to say is off a movie probably hardly anyone ever saw. It is a movie called Zeram (Zeiramu in the japanese release). The first five minutes are just incredible. The bio-machine Zeram just absolutely destroys everything in his way in a methodical manner. That movie sticks in my mind just because of that opening sequence.

  8. Ooo, ooo! I know they’re again from comics (sorry, guys — I was moved more by the spirit of the idea than being stuck to the genre), but I couldn’t help but think of them:
    Amazing Spider-Man #229, 230: vs. the Juggernaut
    Amazing Spider-Man #269, 270: vs. Firelord
    Daredevil # 163: vs. the Hulk
    Dazzler #6, 7: vs. the Hulk
    New Mutants #37: vs. the Beyonder
    and perhaps the benchmark:
    Daredevil # 7 (1965): DD vs. the Sub-Mariner.
    I don’t think we’ve ever seen a book before that where the hero was so predictably outmatched, and his victory was just in stepping up in the first place.

  9. Oh, and there is of course Ice-T’s classic beatdown of Wesley Snipes’ Nino Brown in “New Jack City”

  10. For those of you who mention “SUPERMAN II”, I fail to see how Supes leaving was an ášš-kicsing. It wasn’t that he didn’t think he could beat them. It’s that he was afraid of the innocents that would be hurt while he “won”. De-powering them all, crushing every bone in Zod’s hand and tossing him away like garbage – that’s an ášš-kicking! Lois, knocking Ursa down and out with one shot also has to be at least a “mini ášš-kicking”.
    In the KARATE KID, Mr. Miyagi’s dispatching of all the bullies kicking Daniel-San’a ášš, without any of them landing a shot on him, and all of them shaken up/lying on the ground qualifies as an ášš-kicking.
    Joe Pesci and Rober DeNiro stomping a mobster almost to death in GOODFELLAS qualifies as an ášš-kicking, as does the “justice by baseball bat” delivered to Pesci’s character and his cousin in CASINO.
    Another gem is Jim Belushi in THE PRINCIPAL giving the main protagonist his just desserts. “No More” indeed! His making short work of a would-be rapist of a teacher in the same movie also qualifies.

  11. I’ve got two…
    Jim Carrey in “Liar Liar” when he kicks his OWN ášš, just so he can get a continuace in court, then standing before the bench, bloodied and mangled, he can’t even lie to the judge when he is asked if he is fit enough to continue.
    “Saving Private Ryan”…The company is torn apart by Cap’n Miller’s (Hanks) decision to release the German soldier (Steamboat Willie, in the credits). Later , it is Pvt Mellish (Adam Goldberg) at the recieving end of his beat-down in the schoolhouse. They tussel for a good ten minutes before the German slowly impales Mellish on his own bayonet. I still cannot watch this whole scene at one sitting…. Powerful and poignant, especially the part with Cpl Upham. He is just outside in the stairwell, too consumed with fear to help and it’s tearing him up inside.
    All he can do is listen to his ‘mate die.

  12. Raging Bull: Jake LaMotta vs Sugar Ray Robinson (where Jake loses the title)
    Rocky III: Clubber Lang vs Rocky I (Clubber wins)
    First Blood: Rambo vs Teasle (actually Rambo vs everybody)
    Unforgiven: As mentioned earlier Little Bill vs English Bob.
    I disagree with Superman II. Superman left to protect the innocent bystanders. He could have easily stayed and continued to fight.

  13. Kill Bill vol 1 – The scene with The Bride vs the Crazy 88. If that’s not an underdog situation, I don’t know what is.
    Serenity – Mal’s fight at the end with Bounty Hunter and avoiding the samurai death, yikes!

  14. Bogart, disarming Peter Lorre in THE MALTESE FALCON. You don’t pull a gun on Sam Spade. You just don’t. (Later on, he does the same for Elisha Cook. He so completely outclasses the Fat Man’s gang that by the story’s end — I say “story” because it originates in the novel by Dashiell Hammett — it’s clear that he’s just been playing with them all along.)
    I prefer mentioning stuff more than two years old, because I rebel at the idea of bestowing classic status on anything that hasn’t stood the test of time (hence my awards to Harold Lloyd and BAD DAY AT BLACK ROCK), but there was one in just the last couple of years: three *very* pìššëd-off women vs. Kurt Russell in Quentin Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF. Ya gotta admit, that was one serial killer who picked a fight with the wrong people. He never had a chance.

  15. I scrolled all the way through to see if this had made the list, as I’d forgotten about it and wanted to add it, but Adam just above me beat me too it: DEATH PROOF, absolutely.

  16. My husband pointed out this uneven match in STAR WARS: Grand Moff Tarkin vs. Alderaan.

  17. Miss Piggy vs. Mel Brooks and some thugs in The Muppet Movie. (Hey, I closed the code correctly this time!)

  19. If the double beatdown from ROCKY II is to be counted, then the double asskicking from THEY LIVE must count as well,
    The Luke/Vader rematch in JEDI. Throughout the entire thing, Vader is clearly out of his depth (his being kicked down the stairs is just humiliating). When Luke finally cuts loose and actually fights his father rather than defending against him, the beatdown is epic. This asskicking also gets props for having an awesome score (the swelling choir as Luke proceeds to smack down always gives me chills).
    Also, Palpitine vs. Luke. Total ášš whuppin’.

  20. I am shocked that nobody’s mentioned the ášš-kicking that Sonny Corleone gives to his shady brother in law in ‘The Godfather’ which leads to Sonny’s horrific demise at a deserted toll-booth.

  22. this probably doesn’t count because it takes place off screen…would have loved to see it rank Sinatra vs Ernest Borgnine in From Here to Eternity, Sinatra shows up

  24. Ms .45
    Thana unloads her gun and her anger on a group of street thugs.
    The Born Losers
    Billy Jack puts a hurtin’ on a biker in a one on one fight.
    Bud Abbott Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein
    Franky VS the Wolf Man. No contest.
    Dogma
    Jay and Silent Bob outclass the Azreal’s skate punk Stygian Triplets.
    Brotherhood of the Wolf
    Mani has fun with the local thugs as he and Grégoire de Fronsac come to town.
    Star Wars
    OBi-Wan Kenobi VS the bar thugs.
    Caveman
    Atouk VS Tonda.

  25. Well, the two which immediately came to my mind have been mentioned, repeatedly, but I’ve decided to add my vote to their tallies.
    The Bride vs. the Crazy 88s in Kill Bill vol. 1. (The battles with Go Go Yubari and O-Ren Ishii (sp?) are both also great, but don’t meet the “one-sided” criteria.)
    River Tam vs. an entire bar in Serenity. Actually, River vs. the Reavers might qualify, too.
    Also, I’m glad that someone mentioned Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – I was thinking that there was at least one candidate there, but it’s been an unfortunate while since I’ve seen the film. (Hmm… may’ve just found a plan for tommorrow afternoon.)

  26. Frankenstein Unbound: the monster sticks his hand through the chest of a gendarme, then rips the guy’s heart out –
    – and shows it to him before he dies!

  27. (maybe a tad outside the rules but)
    THE SIMPSONS – LARD OF THE DANCE: Homer and Bart concoct a scheme to steal grease and make money. Unfortunately, their final target ends up being the kitchen of Springfield Elementary and they pìšš øff Willie by dipping into his “retirement grease”! Wille chases Homer into the air ducts, tackles Homer, and Willie waves his fists and says “Well, if it was up to me, I’d let ya go. But the
    lads have a temper, and they’ve been drinkin’ all day!” And then Wille proceeds to beat the unholy hëll out of Homer, with Homer yelling matter-of-factly “Ow! Stop pummeling me! It’s really painful!” (Willie’s response: “Okay. I’ll strangle ya for a while!”)

  30. Or keeping it timely: Alien invasion fleet áššëš kicked by a mac power book whelding David “Brundel-fly” Levinson and Captain Steven “Big Will” Whitmore in Independence Day

  31. I hold out for The Quiet Man. John Wayne, professional boxer, vs Barry Fitzgerald, big brawler. Yes Fitzgerald lands some punches mostly by cheating, which Wayne handles with aplomb, while Wayne systematically pummels Fitzgerald (who, granted, can take a punch with the best of them).
    But at the end of the fight Wayne lays him out amongst the sweetpeas with one killadilla punch.

  32. Superman vs. the Asteroid in the “Panic In The Sky” episode of “The Adventures of Superman
    Superman vs. the crew of “The Golden Vulture”
    George Reeves at his best. 🙂

  34. If you are going to have a “Rocky”-related ášš-kicking, my vote is “Rocky III”. Either fight winds up being a total ášš-kicking, so if you want to have it where Roccky wins, it would have to be the second fight, where he dares him, “Come on, my mother hits harder than that, come on, hit me harder this time!”, in addition to changing his style, overcoming his fear and absolutely kicking the šhìŧ out of a stronger opponent.

  35. Kaiser Soze vs. All those witnesses in Usual Suspects.
    The Dude, Donnie and Walter vs. The Nihilists in Big Lebowski.
    L vs. The Bug in MIB
    And my personal favorite
    The Harpo vs. The Theater Owner in Night at the Opera

  36. It’s comics, but what the hëll, we’ve drifted here:
    Captain America vs. Thanos, “Infinity Gauntlet #4.” Probably the most one-sided fight this side of “Bambi vs. Godzilla,” as Cap remains the lone hero face-to-face with the invincible god who has just killed the most powerful beings on earth. There Cap is, totally outclassed, knowing full well he’s not gonna make it, and he STILL proceeds to deliver Thanos the obligatory “So long as one man stands against you” speech to Thanos, SOAKS UP a full-bore punch from Thanos thanks to his shield, gets in one useless punch, and then gets his spine broken with a casual backhand.
    Every time someone even begins to think they can match up against Captain America for sheer wits or courage, or believes for even a second that Captain America will ever, ever, ever quit — I’m lookin’ at you, Tony Stark — I think of that scene.

  39. Well, if we’re delving into comic books, I don’t know, the Beyonder, Peter Parker’s bathroom, I’m just sayin’….

  40. Well, if we’re going to go to comic books, there’s a few that come to mind for me:
    Galactus vs. the Beyonder
    Phoenix vs. the Sh’iar cruiser (or the planet or anything)
    Magik vs. Belasco
    Beta Ray Bill vs. Thor

  41. I know it is not a movie, but I just watched Star Trek: The Original Series episode “This Side of Paradise” where Spock kicks Kirk’s ášš until the violent emotions eradicate the spores from Spock’s body Spock even hits a solid metal club and bends it in half! And Kirk goes into the fight knowing he would get a super-ášš-kicking.

  42. Put me down for ROBOCOP, although not for the previously mentioned scene. The last moments of Murphy were just brutal.

  44. Han Solo vs. Greedo.
    The Millenium Falcon vs. Darth Vader’s TIE Fighter at the Death Star.

  45. I first off have to congratulate whoever mentioned the “Happy Gilmore” fight
    I have to mention Hartigan v the yellow freak in “Sin City”. I mean he liquifies his face, and pulls his nuts off!
    How come no one mentioned Neo hitting Smith with a train?! Or exploding him from the inside out?
    How about Maggie v Albert Brooks in “The Simpsons Movie”? Maybe not the best, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

  46. How about Ben Grimm vs. Dr. Doom in “And A Blind Man Shall Lead Them/The Battle of the Baxter Building” (FF #40?)?
    I know it’s cheating but somebody else already mentioned comics so blame them for starting it and not me 🙂
    Although, to make it half way relevant to the subject at hand, that story would have been perfect for “Fantastic Four 2”. With a different cast. And a different director. And, well, a different everything.

  47. Rex O’Herlihan vs. any of the Colonel’s men in “Rusters’ Rhapsody”.
    “I’ll shoot you in the hand”
    “In the hand? Not in the head or in the heart?”
    “You heard me.”
    “I don’t much like the thought of getting shot in the hand.”
    “Then go home.”
    “Go home?”

  50. Jet Li in Fist of Legend confronts a rival instructor who killed his master while he was away. He not only dismantles the guy in front of his students – proving his master must have been poisoned before the fight – but he only ever hits the guy on the right half of his body.

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