Something on par with the sort of stupid discussion you’d hear in a bar or see at a convention.
Plus I’ve watched a few too many of those “Best (fill in the blanks) in movies.”
So I’ve decided we should collectively put together a list of the Twenty Best Úš-Kickings in movies
I took the precaution of running a goggle search on the subject and, sure enough, found someone had already put together such a list. But I consider his choices, for the most part, inadequate. So I want to put together a list that kicks the ášš of the other ášš-kicking list.
What do I mean by ášš-kickings? I mean a fight where someone gets his head handed to him, sometimes literally. An ášš-kicking that is iconic. That when you mention it, it immediately calls the moment to mind and you go, Oh God, yes, I remember that. It shouldn’t be a fight that’s going along fairly evenly matched and then someone wins at the end, such as the battle between Robin Hood and Sir Guy in “The Adventures of Robin Hood.” An ášš-kicking should, for the most part, be someone who is rapidly outmatched and gets more so by the moment. It can even be that the fight winds up turning out the other way, but in the course of it someone still gets their ášš kicked.
At this point, I’m not putting them in any order. Eventually, once I get a sense of the room, I will.
There are my thoughts:
BLADE RUNNER: Rick Dekkard versus Roy Batty. Bad enough that he almost dies between the muscular thighs of Darryl Hannah (which, let’s face it, there’s worse ways to go.) But Dekkard can muster little more than one long retreat before winding up at Batty’s mercy. If Batty had let go, Dekkard’s ášš is little more than grass.
MONTY PYTHON & THE HOLY GRAIL: King Arthur vs. the Black Knight. Rarely has someone’s ášš been more comprehensively kicked than the Black Knight. Yet even more famous than his dismemberment is his absolute refusal to acknowledge it. “It’s just a flesh wound,” has entered the language as an example of denial at its greatest.
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: Indiana Jones versus the German Mechanic. Barely edging out Indy getting thrown out the front of a moving truck, this wins because in the truck sequence, Indy rallies and comes out on top. In the mechanic battle, staged in front of a moving airplane, Indy winds up flat on his back and helpless, and only wins because the mechanic didn’t think to look behind him when a propeller swung his way.
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Luke vs. Vader. For much of the time, Luke seems overmatched, and yet there are brief moments where you think he’s going to rally. So it’s all the more crushing and shocking when he loses his hand. What kicks the ášš-kicking to an entirely new level is that, not only is he beaten physically, but the revelation of who did it crushes him spiritually.
WITNESS: John Book versus a bunch of punks. Harrison Ford finally on the right side of a whupping. When a bunch of smart mouth teens hassle the Amish, Book advances on them despite the caution that, “It’s not our way.” His terse, “But it’s MY way” underscores why he and Rachel will never make it together as he proceeds to issue the teens a single warning and then tap dances on their faces. Speaking of tap dancing…
CLOCKWORK ORANGE: Alex vs. the Author. The only ášš-kicking that is as famed for its perverse use of “Singing in the Rain” as the actual ášš-kicking itself.
ALIENS: Ripley vs. the Alien Queen. An ášš-kicking that announces itself in the unforgettable moment of Ripley emerging in a power loader and bellowing, “Get away from her, you bìŧçh!” No longer running, Ripley lays all her nightmares of aliens to rest by smacking, pummeling, burning, and crushing the queen before chucking her out of the ship, and all it costs her is a sneaker.
ROCKY II: Rocky vs. Apollo Creed. The other list acknowledges Apollo being killed by Ivan in Rocky III, but I’m sorry, if you’re going to have a Rocky-related ášš-kicking, then Rocky should be participating. The second film takes it because it’s a rare double ášš-kicking, with both boxers desperately crawling back to their corners.
DIE HARD: John McClane versus Karl. Pity poor Karl: He was just trying to avenge the death of his brother. Too bad his brother was one of the bad guys. Particularly memorable since it’s an ášš-kicking accompanied by what one would hear in a real-life ášš-kicking, namely an almost non-stop string of profanity. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bruce Willis ad libbed some of that family unfriendly diatribe as he pounds on Alexander Godunov before leaving him hanging by the neck. Props to Karl for surviving and almost having the last laugh…before getting his ášš kicked yet again courtesy of an alert cop blowing him away.
TERMINATOR II: The Terminator versus the T1000. Literally getting his head handed to him, Arnold’s iconic bionic gets slammed in the head repeatedly by an I-beam, then pummeled with a metal rod before getting speared through the chest. Yeah, sure, he blows up the T1000 at the end, but that hardly erases the thorough thrashing he took at the hands of the far smaller, but far meaner, T1000.
I have some other thoughts, but let’s see what you guys come up with.
PAD
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Would the Westley-Inigo duel in “The Princess Bride” be apropos? Or even, perhaps, Inigo-Rugen? I’d vote for the former over the latter, because it becomes so clear that Westley is just toying with him — in a relatively kind way compared to others on your list, but toying nonetheless.
One could argue that the closing portion of the Luke-Vader duel (once Luke’s enraged) qualifies, but I don’t know if using only part of a fight is valid.
Interesting idea!
TWL
Max Rogatansky in The Road Warrior. He’s broken enough in the beginning; by the end he needs a body cast and a good plastic surgeon.
And Mal Reynolds in the Firefly episode “War Stories.” I think I’d rather have the Road Warrior treatment. Serenity, too, he looks like hëll, with the bloody eye and all. In fact, I think he gets his ášš handed to him in at least half the episodes.
For a wicked good bar brawl, try “Trainspotting.” An absolutely incredible book, and a very decent movie of it.
Seconding Westley/Inigo in The Princess Bride. Because, seriously, “I’m not left-handed either” = SHEER AWESOME.
Kill Bill Vol. 1 – Beatrix Vs. the Crazy 88’s/Gogo Yubari/O-Ren Ishii.
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children – Cloud et. al. Vs. Bahamut-SIN. Yes it counts!
The Machine Girl – the entire freaking movie.
The Christmas Story – Ralphie vs. Scott Farkus. Face it. This is one of movies true ášš kickings and deserves to be listed amongst the best of the best. Remember Ralphie’s “speaking in tongues” bit as he pummeled the larger and stronger Scott?
Fight Club – Tyler Durden Vs Him Self
Kill Bill volume 1 – The Bride Vs School Girl
Kill Bill volume 2 – Beitris Kiddo (the Bride) Vs Elle Driver
Last Dragon – Bruce Leroy Vs Sho-Nuf
And Mal Reynolds in the Firefly episode “War Stories.”
Oh, hëll yes.
TWL
First of all, the above movies are of the status titled “AWESOME.” But, I believe that these could be just a tad bit better.
1.The Breakfast Club
2.Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
3.Original Star Wars Trilogy
4.Get Smart
BATMAN: It’s Batman Vs. The Joker, the Big Climax of the film, the Final Battle…and The Joker doesn’t even get a punch in. To me, that’s good; The Joker is not one for fisticuffs, and every time he’s engaged in one in other sources it’s felt out of place for him. Here, the Clown Prince of Crime relies on firearms, underlings, and trickery to fight the Caped Crusader, but when face to face with Batsy’s fists of fury, he comes out much the worse for wear…and he’s STILL SMILING at the end of it! A memorable asskicking, to be sure.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: For most of the film, everyone’s favorite lean green teens had accquited themselves admirably against the Foot Ninjas. Enter the Shredder. Dressed in his razor-sharp armor, wielding a fittingly pointed glaive, and determined to show these “Turtle Freaks” who’s boss, ol’ Shred Head goes in and does JUST THAT. Each of the turtles try and fail to take him down, instead getting their reptilian áššëš handed to them on a plate. Their áššëš get kicked so badly, Shredder sees no harm in simply standing and waiting as the Turtles huddle around trying to figure out a way to defeat him!
HULK: There is no point during his 45-odd minute rampage against the army that the Hulk is genuinely threatened. Oh sure, they send in the tanks and the jets and the footsoldiers, but the closest they ever come to hurting the Green Goliath is taking him into the upper atmosphere, and all THAT does is give him some frosted highlights. What does the Hulk do to the army? Toss their tanks around like paperweights, ride their jets like broncos, and generally make the military look like a bunch of overpaid suits helpless in the face of his sheer, unadulterated POWER. If THAT isn’t an asskicking, I don’t know WHAT is.
SUPERMAN RETURNS: Lex Luthor hates Superman. Across thousands of comics, several cartoons, dozens of novels, and, of course, a quintet of movies, this fact has not changed. Yet rarely if ever has the Greatest Criminal Mind of Our Time gotten to take Superman’s ášš to the cleaners as handily as he does in one of the tensest, most heartwrenching beatdowns put to film. Stripped of his powers and general health by an island filled with Kryptonite, Supes must be commended for still trying to put up a fight against Lex and his goon squad. Alas, all he can muster is a meager defense, and against a fighting-mad Lex Luthor, that’s just not enough.
BATMAN: It’s Batman Vs. The Joker, the Big Climax of the film, the Final Battle…and The Joker doesn’t even get a punch in. To me, that’s good; The Joker is not one for fisticuffs, and every time he’s engaged in one in other sources it’s felt out of place for him. Here, the Clown Prince of Crime relies on firearms, underlings, and trickery to fight the Caped Crusader, but when face to face with Batsy’s fists of fury, he comes out much the worse for wear…and he’s STILL SMILING at the end of it! A memorable asskicking, to be sure.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: For most of the film, everyone’s favorite lean green teens had accquited themselves admirably against the Foot Ninjas. Enter the Shredder. Dressed in his razor-sharp armor, wielding a fittingly pointed glaive, and determined to show these “Turtle Freaks” who’s boss, ol’ Shred Head goes in and does JUST THAT. Each of the turtles try and fail to take him down, instead getting their reptilian áššëš handed to them on a plate. Their áššëš get kicked so badly, Shredder sees no harm in simply standing and waiting as the Turtles huddle around trying to figure out a way to defeat him!
HULK: There is no point during his 45-odd minute rampage against the army that the Hulk is genuinely threatened. Oh sure, they send in the tanks and the jets and the footsoldiers, but the closest they ever come to hurting the Green Goliath is taking him into the upper atmosphere, and all THAT does is give him some frosted highlights. What does the Hulk do to the army? Toss their tanks around like paperweights, ride their jets like broncos, and generally make the military look like a bunch of overpaid suits helpless in the face of his sheer, unadulterated POWER. If THAT isn’t an asskicking, I don’t know WHAT is.
SUPERMAN RETURNS: Lex Luthor hates Superman. Across thousands of comics, several cartoons, dozens of novels, and, of course, a quintet of movies, this fact has not changed. Yet rarely if ever has the Greatest Criminal Mind of Our Time gotten to take Superman’s ášš to the cleaners as handily as he does in one of the tensest, most heartwrenching beatdowns put to film. Stripped of his powers and general health by an island filled with Kryptonite, Supes must be commended for still trying to put up a fight against Lex and his goon squad. Alas, all he can muster is a meager defense, and against a fighting-mad Lex Luthor, that’s just not enough.
TRAINSPOTTING: Francis Begbie vs. some guy getting a beer. Begbie takes a beer mug and rams it into the guy’s face. The glass breaks and cuts up the guy’s face as it breaks his nose. The guy instantly goes down on his knees bleeding like a waterfall while Begbie stands there, so scary that nobody even moves to help the guy. Not a long fight, but a very thorough one.
The Hanson brothers vs. anyone and everyone in Slap Shot.
Several of Riggs’ fights in Lethal Weapon 1 and 2 come to mind, especially the ones at the end of each movie, where Riggs and his opponents are both staggering around half dead, and then Riggs gets in the last fatal shot.
I can’t believe nobody has mentioned what i would consider the single greatest one sided ášš kicking in movie history. I give to you:
Santino ‘Sonny’ Corleone beats the living crap out of his brother in law Carlo Rizzi in THE GODFATHER. Carlo gets in ZERO offense–his best move is trying to grab onto something so that Sonny can’t drag him out into the street for an even BIGGER ášš-kicking. You know, I think there might even be one shot where Sonny actually kicks him in the ášš!
Compared to what Sonny did to him Carlo got off easy when Clemenza merely garrotted him at the end.
I would like to second The Christmas Story beat down. Classic
and add one:
SCARFACE: Tony Montana versus Everybody. Even with his “little friend” taking out most of the bad guys he buys it most spectacularly in the end.
I would claim this the best anti-hero ášš-kicking.
If we’re not limiting it to one-on-one, I’d have to throw in for ROBOCOP, in the beginning, when Murphy just gets completely jacked up by Boddicker’s crew to the point his limbs are blown off gruesomely one by one. Oh yeah.
Raising Arizona
The swordfight from “Rob Roy.” Mediocre film, but an utterly amazing scene!
Frank Drebin vs. the League of America Haters in The Naked Gun.
UNFORGIVEN: Little Bill beating English Bob in the streets of Big Whiskey to “send a message.”
Godzilla vs the American Godzilla in GODZILLA FINAL WARS.
Bruce Lee vs everyone in the pagoda up until the level with Kareem Abdul Jabar in the original scenes from what would have been GAME OF DEATH.
Ash in EVIL DEAD 2 and ARMY OF DARKNESS. (I’d still pick him for my team because there’s something to be said for a guy who can get his ášš bëáŧëņ so much and so often and still come back for more)
Liam Neeson gets his tookas handed to him by Tim Roth in ROB ROY. With a sword, yet.
Spartans vs Persian army, day 1, 300
Butterbean vs one of the JÃÇKÃSS guys. (All time great quote as the guy begins to regain consciousness: “Is Butterbean ok?”)
Does “Bambi vs. Godzilla” count? The original, obviously….
Great idea… and I’ll go with Wesley vs. Inigo in the famous duel at the top of the Cliffs of Insanity because Wesley is really only playing with him the entire time… and the individual Turtles vs. Shredder in the first movie is an inspired remember.
But also SUPERMAN II, Supes gets his caped butt handed to him by Zod and company.. to the point where he has to fly away and rethink strategy.
Bugs Bunny vs Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck, Wile E Coyote, Marvin the Martian, and pretty much anyone else. If Bugs was a D&D character he would have unlimited hit points and an endless supply of anvils. He’s one bad mofo.
They Live has one of the longest and most brutal fist fights. And nearly every Bourne movie has at least one great ášš-kicking.
If it’s body count you want, Mel Gibson’s (I know, and everyone else’s) Hamlet comes to mind.
SUPERMAN II– Clark vs. the brute in the diner (rematch)
MARS ATTACKS– Byron vs. the Martian hordes on the runway
RAGING BULL– Jake vs. Joey
CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL– Packer vs. Bell
Lecter’s escape in Silence of the Lambs
Vanhelsing– him vs. count dracula
Blade 3 — blade vs. dracula
Matrix — Neo vs. mr. anderson
jáçkášš — ryan dunn vs. that chinese lady
300 — any of the fights
Oh, and of course GREAT EXPECTATIONS– Pip vs. Miss Havisham’s robot monkeys
Spock vs the punk in Star Trek IV
Cool Hand Luke. Luke gets beaten so badly, the other guy gives up because he feels bad about doing it to him.
Ðámņ, someone beat me to Sonny Corleone’s beatdown of Carlo Rizzi in the Godfather.
Um… how about the step-by-step destruction of Saddam Hussein in Hot Shots Part Deux?
Someone else said Mal Reynolds in “War Stories,” but that was a TV show. From Serenity, how about River Tam vs. a bar full of guys (including Jayne Cobb’s testicles), or Mal vs. the Operative, either in the Companion School or in Mr. Universe’s basement?
J.
Snake Pliskin vs Ox baker in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
Terrance Stamp throughout THE LIMEY Kicking ášš and taking names.
OLDBOY. Min-sik Choi, a hammer, a dozen other guys. Sublime.
DEAD/ALIVE Father McGruder, kicking zombie ášš for Christ.
EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN — Ash vs. Ash;s possessed right hand. Ash is knocked out by a limb a mere fraction of his side, he’s humiliated by having dishes broken over his head, and he gets his unconscious butt dragged across the floor!
And honorable mention must go to ROBOT CHICKEN for their Most One-Sided Fist Fights segments!
MYSTERY MEN: How about the Mystery Men getting their butts handed to them by the Red Eyes at the start of the film (by the way, a truly underestimated superhero gym).
KINDERGARTEN COP: Ah-nold laying out the abusive dad. The feel-good butt-kicking of the decade.
SUBURBAN COMMANDO: Hulk Hogan vs. the car alarm. Maybe not, but, hey, we are discussing something pointless…
And I second (or third) Batman vs. the Joker.
And a few honorable mentions from TV…
Faith putting the smack down on Conner when he still wants to stake his dad is season 4 of Angel and Hurley leveling Sawyer on “Lost.”
Bugs Bunny vs Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck, Wile E Coyote, Marvin the Martian, and pretty much anyone else. If Bugs was a D&D character he would have unlimited hit points and an endless supply of anvils. He’s one bad mofo.
I don’t disagree, but I also wanted to point out why this is always such a satisfying ášš-kicking. I believe Chuck Jones said someplace that the main difference between Bugs and Daffy (other than the fact that Bugs, y’know, gets to win most of the time) is that Bugs never goes up against anyone until he’s crossed first. Once “you know, this means war,” then he’s all set — but he’s always the initially wronged party.
Don’t think that’s not a moral lesson I’ll be teaching Katherine. 🙂
TWL
Seconding Vincent Murphy’s suggestion of “They Live.” It’s what I was going to put and as I was scrolling down I was like “C’mon, somebody…somebody.” I mean, it was over *sunglasses* fercrissakes!
Also, Jerry Mitchell vs Buddy Revell in “3 O’Clock High.” An almost forgettable movie except for the ridiculous high school fight at the end.
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Predator: Arnold versus the Predator, final sequence. He uses trap after trap to whittle the Predator down.
Happy Gilmore: Bob Barker versus Happy Gilmore. “Now you’ve had enough . . . bìŧçh.”
Well I can not believe we got this far with no one mentioning Road House…
*smacks head* Oh man, I forgot to nominate Indiana Jones Vs. the Sword Guy in Raiders Of the Lost Ark.
All that buildup and then Indy JUST FRICKING SHOOTS HIM ONCE.
That’s a “you’re not even worth the effort to frag, n00b” kind of asskicking. 🙂
Road House and Robocop — yeah…
Karate Kid wasn’t bloody, but the kid was fighting his final match with a freakin’ BROKEN LEG!!!
Hmm… Most of the really good ones have bee taken. Looks like I’ll have to go the oddball route.
1 – The Killer (Dip huet seung hung) (1989)
The final gun blazing battle in the church that capped off an absolutely fantastic and hypnotizing movie. Ah Jong (Chow Yun-Fat) and Inspector Li Ying (Danny Lee) VS just about every bad guy that’s still alive. An insanely dazzling ballet of violence ensues that leaves a mountain of bodies behind it and only one of the film’s main protagonists left alive.
2 – Wheels on Meals (1984)
Jackie Chan VS Benny “The Jet” Urquidez. I don’t care if you don’t like Jackie Chan movies or if you’ve never even seen one so much as one time in your life. THIS is an awesome fight and Jackie plays up the come-from-behind underdog masterfully here. Benny knocks him around for quite a bit of the fight before Jackie begins to even the score and finally win. Also, the fights between Jackie’s friends and Benny’s fellow thugs while the main fight is going on are great to watch.
3 – The Punisher (2004)
Frank Castle getting his butt handed to him by The Russian and every trick he tries gets shut down. Only a pot full of pasta and a lucky roll down stairs saves him.
4 – X2 (2003)
Wolverine VS Deathstrike. “I’m Wolverine. I’m the best there is at what I do. And what I do in this scene is get rag-dolled by a rather petite Kelly Hu.”
5 – Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
The fight gets dragged into the real world and Freddy pretty much has to have Jason’s boot print surgically removed from his backside after the film. Still, he never stopped tossing out the one liners.
6 – Death Proof (2007)
Insane killer, tricked out car and a death fetish VS three girls in a Challenger. Did I mention high heeled boots?
7 – Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)
Anakin “The fastest whiner in the Universe” Skywalker gets his ášš handed to him in glorious Sith fashion by Darth Tyranus.
8 – Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)
Mechagodzilla VS King Seesar. Jeez… Mike Tyson broke more of a sweat kicking Michael Spinks ášš than Mecha G did turning the holy defender into a whimpering mass o’ messed up foam rubber and a broken zipper.
9 – Predator (1987)
Come on… Do I have to explain it? One heavily roided up human VS one ticked off alien killing machine. Arny gets his ášš handed to him for most of the fight before getting a lucky break with a bøøbÿ trap.
10 – Snatch (2000)
The final underground fight of the film. Brick Top has everyone’s balls in a sling and it’s been made clear to Turkish that if he doesn’t get Mickey to throw the fight they’re not leaving the building upright. Mickey is getting beaten half to death in round after round until, in am extremely surreal moment, he’s knocked out, snaps back to consciousness and destroys Brick Top’s fighter. Then the film adds to the fun when you discover that Brick Top wasn’t quite as on top of the situation as he seemed to believe he was.
I believe Chuck Jones said someplace that the main difference between Bugs and Daffy (other than the fact that Bugs, y’know, gets to win most of the time) is that Bugs never goes up against anyone until he’s crossed first.
I saw Chuck Jones give a talk once at college (great guy BTW) and he said something to the effect of “Bugs is how I want to be and Daffy is how I fear that I really am.”
If this weren’t limited to movies I’d nominate “your biggest fan” vs dignity.
people mention THEY LIVE and while it is a fight of extreme awesomosity it’s too evenly matched to qualify as a true ášš kicking as PAD defined it. Kudos to John Conner for the ROAD HOUSE suggestion though and a tip of the hat to Queen Anthai for even knowing about THE MACHINE GIRL!
How ’bout Jesus in Gibson’s Passion of the Christ?
Well it’s been a good number of years but I still remember a scene in BILLY JACK. The one where he tells the áššhølë, “I’m about to kick you in the face with this foot right here and there’s not a dámņ thing you can do about it.” Points there for style
One thing I always found great about the Fleischer Popeye and Superman cartoons is that the heroes always got the snot knocked out of them at first, and then they came back, seemingly against all odds, to beat the bad guy(s)
I remember a lot of westerns where guys got beat up badly or nearly killed — heck, Clint Eastwood practically came back from the dead in “Hang ‘Em High” to get his revenge on the guys that lynched him.
And what about that long, creepy, hand-to-hand combat scene between the Nazi soldier and the American soldier in “Saving Private Ryan”?
And who can forget the classic fight between King Kong and the Tyrannosaurus Rex in the 1933 version of “King Kong.” Willis O’Brien, who did the stop motion special effects for that film and thus choreographed the fight, had once been a boxer himself.
There’s also always that first bone-wielding ape in 2001…
MEMENTO: This is an ášš-kicking that litterally kicks off (and also ends, chronologically speaking) the movie, and it’s great because Lenoard set up Teddy for the ášš-kicking of his life because Teddy’s been screwing with him for god-knows-how-long… and the best part is, Lenoard doesn’t know that he masterminded his revenge! Trust me, I’ll make sense when you watch it. Uh, maybe. Its the beginning and the ending of the ášš-kicking that the whole movie is about, all wrapped up into a package that’ll blow your brains out.
I thought I’d put a couple movies that many of you might not have seen, one that just about everybody has seen, and a general suggestion.
EQUILIBRIUM – Christian Bale’s character kicks ášš and takes names throughout the movie. I love the director’s commentary about having the fights be so one-sided in Christian’s favor: “When I was growing up and fantasizing about whipping ášš…I can promise you that in my fantasy you didn’t get a few good licks in. I kicked your ášš in a commanding fashion with compelling punctuation.”
DIGGSTOWN – Louis Gossett Jr. fights ten boxing matches in 24 hours.
FIRST BLOOD – Sylvester Stallone vs. everybody.
And, lastly, just about any Jackie Chan movie.