An actual conversation I just had with an outfit that regularly calls Kathleen (during dinner time, of course) looking to have her donate money:
CALLER: Is Kathleen David there?
ME: No, she’s not.
CALLER: When would be a better time to reach her?
ME: When she’s here.
(Confused silence. Then…)
CALLER: Thank you.
ME: No problem.
PAD
• 
I love it. And my parents always said there was no value to being a smart-ášš.
It’s precisely because of solicitors/telemarketers that I’ve started answering the phone with, “Sector Seven Intelligence…” or, with a thick southern accent, “Happy Harry’s Hat Shack, how may I help you?”
Fun the old fashoined way.
M
Peter, you’re just the coolest.
Peter, you’re just the coolest.
Peter, you’re just the coolest.
Peter, you’re just the coolest.
Peter, you’re just the coolest.
I generally answer them by saying that she’s on the other line doing her telemarketing job and probably won’t be able to answer for some time.
You don’t have your number on the do-not-call list?
You don’t have your number on the do-not-call list?
Even if you have your name on the no-call list, you can still get calls from any company you’ve done business with. Hëll, I got two calls tonight from credit card companies whose cards I haven’t used in a couple of years.
You can also get calls from non-profit organizations. They are exempt.
Not sure if its been put out but Steve Gerber passed away yesterday.
Not much else to say…..
Guess who else can call you? Politicians and their election committees. Wonder who put that provision into the bill?
1Mine this morning during the 8am wake up call for someone who doesn’t live here and hasn’t as long as I’ve had this phone number (going on four years now)L
Caller: Is So and So there?
Me: No, she doesn’t live here.
Caller: When would be a better time to reach her?
ME: I’ve never met the woman so I wouldn’t know.
Caller: Do you have a number she can be reached at?
That is the point where I usually hang up. I’ve tried to explain it to them in the past and all I ever get is a ‘promise’ to have my number taken off the record. A promise that tends to last all of 23 ours and 56 minutes.
The one time I’ve thought quickly enough to say something like that was when some Mormons came to the door:
Them: Could we come in to talk to you?
Me: Ah no, not right now, I’ve two small children to look after
Them: When would be a better time
Me: In about four years when I’ll get enough peace to be able to say one sentence without being interrupted.
Them: (pause) Can we give you our card?
Me: Sure!
That’s awesome.
Me, I have great fun with the fact that Lisa and I have different names.
“Is Mrs. Hazard there?”
“Nope!” (Lisa’s never been a Mrs. Hazard — Dr. Hazard, yes.)
“Well, is this Mr. Hazard?”
“Nope!”
“I see. Thank you.” [click]
Works surprisingly well some of the time.
TWL
I finally got a persistent telemarketer to hang up by asking him a question that embarrassed him so much he apologized for bothering me. It took me at least 2 minutes to get him to listen to me. In the end, what I said might have been cruel, at least to him.
He: Time-Life Books blahblah Old West blahblah…
Me: Sir…
He: Blahblah Wyatt Earp blahblah…
Me (several times): Sir…
He: Excuse me, yes?
Me: Do your books come in Braille?
He: {{stammering}} {{apology ensues}} Have a nice day. {{click}}
My wife was getting some rather annoying telemarketing calls recently. They would call with an automated message and ask you to call them back.
We eventually found out they’d gotten our info from the World Wildlife Fund, and at that point we were already getting crap on a weekly basis from the WWF on how we needed to renew our membership (which was still 6 months from expiring), etc.
The last time these telemarketers called, she actually got a live person and had us removed from their call list.
And we no longer donate to the World Wildlife Fund.
We found out who was calling us with the help of this site: http://800notes.com/Default.aspx
It’s very handy. 🙂
By the way, I worked in telesales for ONE DAY. I can safely tell you that the ONLY way to get them to stop calling you is to say, in these EXACT words: “Put me on your Do Not Call list.” They do it again, they get their áššëš fined.
Alan, just think of how much worse it’d have been if the salesdrone had been trying to sell you a subscription to Playboy…
TWL
“We found out who was calling us with the help of this site: http://800notes.com/Default.aspx“
Cool. I’ve been using:
http://www.whocalled.us/
And now I have another site I can check.
Corey
The comic strip “9 Chickweed Lane” did a sequence a few years ago – all week, a telemarketer found himself talking to a different cast member every day.
Marketer: Hello, I’m calling on behalf of Trimodal World Interactive Telecommunication Services, Inc…
Dr Juliette Burber: Were you aware that your company’s initials spell “Twits”:
Marketer: …
Juliette: … and another thing; it’s probably not good tactics to let the prospect hear your pencil snap…
The Sunday strip that week involved Juliette’s daughter Edda dropping the phone inside the grand piano and then ripping through a few bars of Rchmaninoff or whatever:
Rather Frazzled Marketer: I’ll put that down as a “No”, then.”
I will never join a do-not call list because I LOVE making them hang up on me. I LOVE what you did PAD–isn’t it fun?!?
My dad loves telling this story from the 70’s. He was working the night shift, and was woken up by the phone one afternoon.
DAD: Hello.
MARKETER: Good afternoon. I’m calling from the Federation for the Blind. We are selling light bulbs to raise funds.
D: What does a blind man need light bulbs for?
M: I’m sorry sir. Are you blind?
D: Yes I am.
M: (moment of confusion) Sorry to bother you sir.
I like what Calvin did in one Calvin and Hobbes strip when the phone rang, and the person on the other end of the line asked, “May I speak with your father, please?”
“Heck, you don’t need my permission,” Calvin said. “Be my guest.”
And he hung up, muttering, “What a weirdo.”
Granted, it’s not stated, or even implied, that a telemarketer had called, but as Bill Cosby once said, “I told you that story to tell you this one.”
I used that same “you don’t need my permission” line on an actual telemarketer. Though I don’t recall whether they asked for my Dad by name (who doesn’t live at my current home and never has) or for “Mrs. Keating.” Since my Mom doesn’t live here either, the answer’s the same: the caller doesn’t need my permission.
If a telemarketer asks for “Mr. Keating” or for me by name, I never confirm my identity. I ask who’s calling. Only if it’s someone I want to talk to will I state that yes, it’s me. Otherwise, let them think I’m the butler.
Since I know that telemarketers tend to call at certain hours, I will sometimes answer the phone at those hours with a phrase like, “yes, commissioner?” It tends to discombobulate them for some reason.
Returning to Calvin and Hobbes, I seem to recall one strip where the phone rang, Calvin answered it and said he’d like to order a pizza. Again, not necessarily a telemarketer call, but the sort of greeting to give to a telemarketer.
Fortunately, I don’t get as many telemarketing calls as I once did, but what irritates me is that some I do get are automated calls that won’t disconnect unless I literally pull the cord out of the wall. And they’re usually politically related. Whomever’s behind those can’t-just-hang-up-on-them calls belongs in the 11th circle of Hëll.
Since we’re in an election cycle, we’ll probably be getting more of politically-related telemarketing calls come summer and fall. One plus of my state’s political parties having pìššëd øff the national parties by holding an early primary is that the candidates (and their robo-callers) didn’t do any telephone campaigning.
Rick
and I was having such a great time tonight. I just reread all the posts and saw that one of my favorite writers has gone away. S.O.B. I never got the chance to tell him how MUCH I loved his work. I know this isn’t the place, so ……
Jerry Seinfeld still has the best.
That said, call waiting is the best thing since sliced bread.
Not only did I put the sit.wav tone on my answering machine (google it or ask me for it) but my son and I have the same names. Years ago I had all kinds of fun.
Me: Hi.
Tele-Marketer Scum: Hello, I’m with Such and Such. Could I speak with Mr. Redacted?
Me: Sure. He can’t come out here to the phone right now, though.
Tele-Marketer Scum: Would there be a good time to call back?
Me: Yes, about two months. He isn’t born yet.
Wait…Tim…
Your wife can legitimately go by the name of “Doc Hazard?”
That is just so freaking cool.
PAD
The name “Dr. Hazard” does imply a need for either sidekicks or minions.
Also, Hazzard & Lynch sounds like the name of a good law firm.
I’m glad I read this thread after the Steve Gerber one. I need the cheering up.
A few years ago a charity called seeking a donation and I declined. I can’t remember exactly what it was now, but I believe it was something to do with educating kids about something, so let’s say it was about promoting drug abuse prevention…
The caller then tried to persuade me by asking a he-has-to-answer-yes-to-this question, something like: Don’t you want to help children say no to drugs?
I simply responded, “No. I don’t.”
That stopped her in her tracks. She didn’t have any planned comeback on her flowcharts (or whatever they use) to help her deal with my response. After a significantly long pause and before she could recover I hung up.
That probably got me on some government watch lists, I would imagine. 🙂
_________________
Then just the other day a guy called asking for a donation to some policeman’s “narc” (that’s the word he used) organization to educate kids about the dangers of illegal drugs. He did his spiel and then asked, Won’t you help the police fight drug dealers?”
I answered, “Sure, if I see any drug dealers I’ll call the police right away.”
Him: “Uh, I mean financially, sir.”
Me: “Oh, well then I’m sorry, but no, not at this time.”
He made a couple more efforts before realizing I wasn’t going for it and he gave up.
______________________
It’s not that I think the causes are bad or anything, but I just don’t give private info, let alone financial info, to anonymous callers who may or may not be who they say they are or representing the organizations they claim. And the organizations may or may not exist. It’s unfortunate, but the scammers have ruined it for the legitimate and worthy causes.
Besides which I know there’s no way to give a donation that won’t result in them coming back over and over and over asking for more, not to mention getting my name on a shared list for other organizations to come a callin’.
Me, I just ask them, in a very enthusiastic voice, what they’re wearing. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just start to make certain noises indicating that notion of what they’re wearing pleases me.
Works.
Every.
Time.
I have never had a conversation with a telemarketer where I gave a witty response but I have had two conversations that amazed me.
The first was for a Sears credit card. Since I had no interest in the card I told them my annual salary was $100 and I had not been employed in over a year. Everything else I told them was accurate. I later received a card with a $1000 dollar limit.
The second was when I was working for my previous employer in cell phone sales. One of my perks was free phone service. I received a call from a competitor trying to get me to switch and when I told him why I wouldn’t he insisted he could give me a better deal than I already had.
The first story may be funny, but it’s hardly surprising if you know that credit card companies prefer guys who make $100 a year and have been unemployed for a year because they benefit more from the charges incurred by people who can’t pay, because of their connections to government, and the debt collection industry.
I like to do a reverse “Crank Yankers” and pretend that I’m mentally challenged.
Caller: Hello, I’m calling on behalf of Such & Such Organization. How are you today?
Me: I’m swell. I’m watching Road Runner. He’s so funny when he goes Beep Beep.
Caller: . . . May I speak to your father, please?
Me: Sure, if you know who he is. There are a few guys that we’ve accused.
Caller: May I speak to the head of the household, please?
Me: My mom says I’m the man of the house cause I’m special.
Caller: . . . Is your mother available to come to the phone?
Me: No. She’s in line for free cheese.
Usually I get a hangup at this point.
Okay, FINE, I’m just going to have to post the most epic telemarketer pwnage ever, aren’t I?
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
Your wife can legitimately go by the name of “Doc Hazard?”
That she can. Occasionally does, even.
That is just so freaking cool.
I’ll be sure to tell her. 🙂
(Of course, given MY last name, it was a given that we weren’t going to hyphenate Katherine’s last name. Doesn’t matter which way you go with it, it’s not a good name to inflict on a child.)
And I think I’ve told this story before, but when Lisa’s cousin had a child a few years ago they named him Justice.
Justice Hazard, yes.
THERE is a name that requires minions. Or possibly law clerks.
(To make matters worse, he was born on Election Day ’04. I’m fairly certain that’s not the reason he was given the name, however.)
TWL
One afternoon, when I had lots of spare time on my hands ‘cos I’d come down with a case of the unemployment, and when I still had a land line, I answered a telemarketer call…
I: Hello?
He: Hi! I’m with Joe Blow Travel, could I interest you in a vacation package?
I: Not really, but do you like comic books?
He: Pardon?
I: You know, comics… Superman, Hulk, Spider-Man, Batman…
He: Well, I don’t…
I: Because you see, I sell comics, I’m an online retailer, and my website is (no, I’m not going to spam my website here 😉 )… do you think you might be interested?
He: I can’t say that I am…
I: I can assure you that they contain some really well-written storylines… they’re not “just for kids”, you know…
He: I’m afraid I’m not intersted…
I: Oh, well, I’m sorry to have troubled you. Thank you for your time! *click*
Wildcat
One afternoon, when I had lots of spare time on my hands ‘cos I’d come down with a case of the unemployment, and when I still had a land line, I answered a telemarketer call…
I: Hello?
He: Hi! I’m with Joe Blow Travel, could I interest you in a vacation package?
I: Not really, but do you like comic books?
He: Pardon?
I: You know, comics… Superman, Hulk, Spider-Man, Batman…
He: Well, I don’t…
I: Because you see, I sell comics, I’m an online retailer, and my website is (no, I’m not going to spam my website here 😉 )… do you think you might be interested?
He: I can’t say that I am…
I: I can assure you that they contain some really well-written storylines… they’re not “just for kids”, you know…
He: I’m afraid I’m not intersted…
I: Oh, well, I’m sorry to have troubled you. Thank you for your time! *click*
Wildcat
Geez, All I do is say “I’m not at all interested” and hang up on them before they can get a word in edgewise. These folks are just doing their job for minimum wage or just a tad more, and I just don’t feel like having fun at their expense while they do a miserable undesirable job.
I sold Sears Maintenance Agreements over the phone when I was in college twenty five years ago, so I know how much that job sucks. And while I’m not going to waste my time listening to a spiel I have no interest in, I’m not going to lord it over them with sparkling wit either.
Also, Hazzard & Lynch sounds like the name of a good law firm.
On the other hand, “Hazard, Lynch”…not so much. Sounds like you’re taking a real risk of the case not going well for you.
Geez, All I do is say “I’m not at all interested” and hang up on them before they can get a word in edgewise. These folks are just doing their job for minimum wage or just a tad more, and I just don’t feel like having fun at their expense while they do a miserable undesirable job.
Oh, I dunno. I think part of what makes it miserable and undesirable is people hanging up on them all the time. I’d much rather give them an anecdote for the break room. “I got this one guy this afternoon and he said…”
Another favorite tactic I use is the “for” angle. See, they’re trained that they can’t deviate from their script, so if there’s an opening in the wording, they’ll get completely stalled. As in:
CALLER: Hello, I’m calling for Liberty Mutual.
ME: Sorry, Liberty Mutual isn’t here right now.
CALLER: (Pause) I’m calling FOR Liberty Mutual.
ME: You just said that. I told you, Liberty Mutual isn’t here right now.
CALLER: (Pause) I’ll call back.
ME: Okey doke.
See, if they could get off script enough to say, “I’m calling on behalf of Liberty Mutual,” they could then get past their salutation. But they never do.
PAD
There was a time when I held down 4 or 5 part time jobs…at the same time. One of them was being a telemarketer.
Awful, soul crushing job. I last about 2 months and I know exactly what day I decided to quit–the Challenger had blown up and one guy I called up was as devastated about it as I was. We talked for about a half hour and when it was over I never wanted to pester anyone over the phone ever again. Once the customers become real people it’s over.
Having an unlisted number saves me from most of those unwanted conversations, but as far as semantic exchanges, I’m always amused when I get a pre-recorded message saying ‘Calls may be recorded for…’ Whenever I point out to the person who answers the phone that I’m recording the call in accordance with their own policy, they generally get terribly insulted. And when you try to explain that their own policy says that I may (as in ‘allowed’) record the conversation, most of them still don’t get it.
I got my old high School to stop calling by just threatening to sue them for harassment.
I told them to take me off the list, of course, the caller was too stupid to realize that I meant the calling list (she thought I meant the grad records, though I can’t say I’d mind that) and said I can’t do that ,but as soon as I said the magic harassment lawsuit words all contact disappeared.
One time, my dad, who worked for the DOD, gets a call from the police(not the Police, although my dad talking to Sting would’ve been almost as cool as Tim’s wife’s name.) They’re looking for donations for such-and-such. When my dad said no(as money was rather tight at the time) the officer said something about not wanting to help those that serve–WRONG thing to say to someone in my family. So, that’s when my dad pretty much read him the riot act because of everything my dad’s done in service and this, that, and the other thing. Gets off the phone, looks at it for a minute, looks at me, and says, “Bud, be REALLLLLLLY careful when you’re driving out there. I think I made him mad.”
Me, though, when we had a land line, and I was feeling vindictive, if a call came in I’d either answer in Klingon or I’d do that bit with the yelling from Mrs. Doubtfire.
I’ve got some stories from the other end, too, from when I was a marketing director. And all I talked to were supposedly professional insurance agents.
I sound like a kid on the phone.
Me: Hello?
TM: Hello! May I speak with your mommy?
Me: ExCUSE me? I’m 25 years old.
(Pause)
TM: Oh, ah… May I speak to Mrs. J. Marks?
Me: May I ask who’s calling?
TM: My name is Tracy and I’m calling on behalf of (some company you’ve never heard of and I’m saying the name just fast enough that you can’t really understand it)
Me: (Sweetly) Mum’s not home right now, can I take a message?
I usually ask to be taken off their calling list though. The worst thing I’ve done is put the phone down and walk away, but only because the lady wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise, not even to tell her that I wasn’t the one she was looking for.
One of my favorites was this exchange:
CALLER: what would you do if you won this sweepstakes?
ME: The first thing I would do is go out & get laid.
CALLER: ….
For the most part, since I know these guys are just doing their job, I give them at least one, usually two, opportunities to take “no” for an answer before I just plain hang up.
But, there’s that one time someone called for the umpteenth time to entice me to subscribe to the newspaper. I simply responded with, “If I wanted a subscription to the paper, you wouldn’t have to call me…I’d already be a subscriber.”
Several years ago, I did encounter a new tactic for telemarketers to get past the first step:
Caller: “Can I speak to Dr. So-and-so?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”
Caller: “Is this 123-4567?”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Caller: “Oh, then I have the right number, just the wrong name listed. {begin schpiel here}”
Then, as others have mentioned, there’s the companies that call for someone who used to have your phone number, but haven’t for years. We’ve had our current phone number for almost 6 years. We still occasionally get calls for “Sue,” who had the number before us. Sad part is that, for probably a year, some of those calls were from her mother…we’d get messages on the machine: “Sue, this is Mom. Give me a call when you get this.”
In person can be even more fun.
I was at Port Authority picking up my daughter from the bus, and this guy walks up to me, holding documents, and said, “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.”
I smiled at him and said, in a gentle voice, “I am Jesus.”
He looked at me uncertainly, laughed uncomfortably, and said, “No, you’re not.”
I put a hand on his shoulder and said, “Yes, I am, my son. I have returned. All will be well. Spread my word.”
He turned and ran.
I found his lack of faith disturbing.
PAD
When I lived in Augusta, GA, a few years back, I kept getting calls from this one group soliciting funds for ‘bulletproof jackets for the Augusta Police Department’. What was funny (or not-so-funny, depending on your view) was that the local media, including the TV station I worked for at the time, had done pieces on this telemarketing scam– even going so far as to get members of the Augusta-Richmond County Sheriff’s Department (not the ‘Augusta Police Department’) on camera saying “don’t donate to these people because they don’t represent us.” So by the third time I’d gotten calls from them, I had fun confronting them with evidence of their scam:
TELEMARKETER: (after I repeatedly refused to donate) Why don’t you want to donate? Do you not want police officers to have bulletproof vests?
ME: I’ll tell you what. I’ll donate $1000 right now if you will go to this website and read it for me, okay?
TELEMARKETER: …okay…
ME: (reading off the website for the news report in the local paper; this was before the days of streaming video on the internet)
TELEMARKETER: …Oh!
That was one of the most satisfying moments of my life. What is truly sad, though, is that I still get calls from these clowns every couple months, even though I go through the same rap with them just about every time.
Now that I’m in Atlanta, my big telemarketer fun is with people selling subscriptions to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. About once a month, every phone number at work will eventually receive a call from one of their telemarketers, despite the fact that we, individually and as a company, have repeatedly informed them that they’re calling a place of business that’s been put on the do-not-call list. It’s since devolved into a company-wide contest of who can mess with them the best… and since I sit right near the tech support guys, I usually get to hear the cream of the crop as it happens. Imagine a bunch of frustrated tech support guys who finally get to be on the other side of the equation; one of the tech guys actually managed to convince the telemarketer that he had died, and that “nobody else in the family is getting any of daddy’s money!”
As far as I’m concerned, you keep calling back after being told not to, well, all bets are off. And usually to humorous result.
Posted by: BrakYeller
ME: I’ll tell you what. I’ll donate $1000 right now if you will go to this website and read it for me, okay?
This, plus PAD’s previous post, made me think of a country song i heard just once – the guy describes how he fell asleep in front of the teevee and woke up at 3AM with a televangelist yelling at him, and before he woke up enough to think, he had sent off his donation:
“i wrote a hot check to jesus for ten thousand dollars…”