Day: July 8, 2007

Names you feel sorry for, Episode 1

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

An irregular feature for this blog that I’m instituting here: As someone who had a name that high schoolers thought was hysterically funny for some dámņëd reason, I will occasionally take note of individuals who probably suffered more in high school than I did.

The first winner:

HUNTER PENCE.

A rookie outfielder for the Houston Astros, I think we can surmise that this is someone who never wanted to enter the armed forces, the police force, or become a commercial airline pilot, for fear of achieving the rank of “Captain.” Because that would make him (say it out loud) Captain Hunter Pence.

What the hëll were his parents thinking? Of all first names to link to a name like Pence. What, “Tup’ Pence was taken? How many times did this poor devil get called “Underpants” throughout his school career? We’ll probably never know. He may well have become an athlete just so he’d be big and strong enough to beat the crap out of kids who made fun of him.

PAD

Beauty is only skin deep…but really, who needs a sexy kidney?

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

Investigations are apace into the blackmailing of Miss New Jersey, Amy Palumbo. When one is dealing with a scheme designed to make a beauty queen give up her crown, the obvious culprit (at least insofar as the inevitable episode of “Law and Order” will play it) would be the runner up, and that’s where police investigations are now turned. Personally, if I were a cop, I wouldn’t be grilling the runner up; I’d be talking to her friends and boyfriends. This whole thing has the stink of some chowderheaded guy who thinks he’s doing his girl friend or girlfriend a favor by setting up a situation so that she can take over the crown. Apparently the saga of a skater named Ms. Harding didn’t leave an impression as to how such schemes typically turn out.

I very much suspect that Ms. Palumbo will not be forced to resign. Why let the terrorists win? However, if she were, it wouldn’t be the worst fate. Quick, name the Miss America some years back who was forced to resign in disgrace. Right: Vanessa Williams. Now, just as quick, name the woman who took over the crown in her place. Ummm….

PAD