LOUSY PUN CHALLENGE

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

The following news item screams for a lousy pun:

TAIPEI (Jan 29) – The decomposing remains of a 66-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy Taiwan street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours, local newspapers said. The 56-foot dead whale had been on a truck headed for an autopsy at a university earlier this week, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan. The whale had died after it was beached on the southwestern coast of the island.

This is not a contest because there’s no prize except the universal contempt of your peers. And let’s head off the likely first forty respondents by saying, “Wow, talk about your huge sperm donors” and “Everyone stood around blubbering” just to get those out of the way.

Go.

PAD

116 comments on “LOUSY PUN CHALLENGE”

  2. You’re going for bad puns, right?

    “What a whale of a way to go out with a bang!”

    or

    “Taiwaniese food can give you wicked explosive indigestion.”

    or

    “Fight Club taught us that fat is best for explosives, but this is ridiculous!”

    or

    “Holy s-word, that whale just exploded and now we’re all covered in blood, guts, and …white, sticky tears?!”

  3. That’s a whale of a tale, man. A real killer. Kinda Kiki even. I Orca be ashamed of these, but I’m not. Bad puns are my porpoice in life.

    (And if you think the last one shouldn’t count, see the first entry at Dictionary.com) 🙂

  9. Puns are for the weak!

    If I was nearby when it happened, I would’ve said “Okay, who cut the cheese?”

    Cause you know it had to have a fleshy farty sound.

    Or maybe “Oh, snap, I hope my souffle didn’t fall!”

    Or how about “That would’ve made a much better ending for Magnolia. All that movie needed was an exploding whale. POW!”

    Or the classic: “I didn’t do it!”

    But I think I would’ve gone with: “That’s what you get for f***ing with the blubber!” and hefted my ample gut. “Don’t mess, or I’ll blow, baby!”

  10. “Shamu Shampu, explosive cleaning power to help with all those sticky situations.”

    Or…

    Patrick Stewart as Ahab: “From the depths of Hëll, I stab at thee!”

    Ishmael: “I think you should have used the harpoon instead of the phaser banks, sir.”

    Or…

    “This place really IS the bowels of the earth! They’re all over EVERYTHING!”

    Or…

    “Too bad this wasn’t Japan… It would’ve been good for the sushi business.”

    Or…

    “When Maalox comes too late…”

  11. You know, I’ve heard of japanese food giving you gas. I’ve heard of the Japanese eating whales. I guess God really doesn’t want us eating them! Sea what happens when you pìšš øff Jehovah?

    OR

    I guess that wooden kid with the cricket said, “Screw getting out the other end! I’m getting out NOW!”

  13. “The amazing thing is, that particular block has both a sperm bank AND a donated organ distribution center.”

    Okay, so it’s not a pun…

    “There’s something fishy about this mess…”

  15. Ok, you have to say this in your best Dennis Miller voice:

    Wow, the japanese haven’t seen a money shot like that since Peter North started taking zinc. Talk about your free willy…hey, I’m OUTTA here!

  17. 2nd Headline: “Whale Flew Across Tainan; Nearby Starbucks Hit Hardest”

    3rd Headline: “Better Fetch Them a Bucket: Taiwainese Get Jìzzÿ With it in Whaling Explosion Clean Up; Moby to Play Benefit Concert”

    4th Headline: “Dorrie Questioned in Whale Investigation; Says She “Can’t Remember”.

    5th Headline: “Sperm Suddenly Easy to Come By in Tainan”

  18. I have no pun; I merely point out that someone should alert Dave Barry as soon as humanly possible.

  19. 6th (and final, I swear) Headline:

    “Peking Duck Saves Visiting Chinaman From a Whale of an Injury”

  20. “Whale, I’ll be! Bubba got sperm all over his face!”

    Wrong country, I know, but it wouldn’t work without a ‘Bubba.’

  21. Ok Folks. So Far George Grattan gets my vote for his Peking Duck.

    Kathleen (the wife) David

  23. “I wanna dip my balls in it!”

    Not so much a pun as a Vacant Lot reference, but still.

    SEAN

  24. Whale of a tale blows completely out of proportions.

    Free Sushi. For a free sample, please bring a mop.

  27. Man, that really rots. I mean, it’s nice to give an endangered mammal a bit of a lift, but come on! Still, I suppose it lets everyone get in touch with their inner whale, so they all can feel a bit of the pressure. Though I bet it was Tainan up traffic for hours. Best not to truck with them whales. Well, life’s a beach. Happy entrails to all!

  29. Grandpa Joe said “Burp!”

    I guess that’s what happens when you steal Fizzy Lifting Drinks. Now the ceiling (and floor… and walls… and furniture… and cars… and…) has to be washed and sterilized!

  34. 66 ton spermicide bomber sends message for PETA… Stop illegal whaling or worse things will harpoon to you.

    Bomber’s final words: Life’s a beach and then you die.

    All’s whale that ends whale.

  35. This is the second time I’ve heard of a whale exploding. The Oregon Department of transportation blew one up about twenty years ago. The results were just as catastrophic. The local 11 o’clock news reported it. If someone wants to look for the link, it has been preserved on the Internet for posterity.

    I lived in Oregon for a few years. Blowing up large dead mammals and broadcasting it on the news is just one reason why I had so much fun living up there.

  36. Not so much a pun, but a question that came to mind after I first discovered this story:

    I wonder what a natural whale explosion *sounds* like…

    Wildcat

  39. Premature Eruption of Sperm Fills Up Lower Part of Tainan.

    Page Two. Sperm Whale, That Is.

    I go blue, baby. I go blue.

  40. I don’t know about funny quotes for this, but I certainly see the image of a Taiwanese resting her straw broom against the doorway, and picking up, then ringing, a dinner triangle.

    How ’bout these:

    Taiwanese: “No, please DON’T pass THOSE potatos!!”

    Taiwanese: “Oh yuk. I hate it when it grows that funny ‘skin’ on top.”

    Taiwanese: “Crap. I found a hair.”

    Ad in Taiwanese shop, the day after: “Whale you need a raincoat? We have ’em!”

    …and there was NO mention of Vomit covering the streets? I’d have tossed my beans!

    😉

  41. For the conspiracy minded:

    “Whalien autopsy foiled by rotten explosion.”

    Adding to the overpopulation problem:

    “Giant Sperm explosion reported, jump in pregnancies expected.”

    And for all Hitchhiker’s out there:

    “Sperm whale splattered all over ground, mysterious bowl of petunias found at the scene.”

    Raphy

  42. —-“I wanna dip my balls in it!”

    Not so much a pun as a Vacant Lot reference, but still.

    SEAN

  43. With pun…

    “Gassy whale blows Tiawanese expectations. Local businesses struggle with limp reactions.”

    Without…

    “Innocent sperm whale’s demise a disappointment to the petunias.”

  44. Not a pun, but a reference:

    “Lawd! LAAWWWWWD! Can you dig me in this here fish?!?”

    (Of course, it helps if you’re familiar with Lord Buckley …)

    In other sperm whale news, rememeber that “sea monster” whose dead body was found off the coast of Chile? Well, DNA tests have proven that it was … a decomposed sperm whale.

    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/01/040122083507.htm

    Which makes ME feel foolish; here *I* had thought it would turn out to be … a decomposed whale shark. Boy, was *I* wrong!

  46. Not exactly a pun, but…

    “Usually the excitement happens before the sperm goes flying everywhere.”

    Of course, the worst part is that the street really *was* sticky afterwards…

  47. Now that I think about it, too bad it didn’t happen on a boat. Just think:

    Spermicidal whale leaves deck covered with sea men.

    PAD

  48. Nothing fishy here, since whales are mammals. : )

    I guess the whale had the last laugh on the way to be cut open at the autopsy? Talk about overkrill.

    Did anyone think to check if the blowhole was clogged first?

    “Admiral, there be whale here! And here! And over there! And….”

    WMD: Whale of Messy Destruction

    Must have been something he ate. Everyone told him he shouldn’t listen to the waiter and have that wafer thin after dinner mint.

  49. Headline:

    Transportation frustration situation causation: Cetacean detonation

    Punchline:

    All right, who’s the wise guy with the trick harpoon?

    Alternate punchline:

    (to street vendor) Cancel that order of krill!

    Alternate alternate punchline:

    I think we wound it up too tight.

    Alternate alternate alternate punchline:

    No guts, no gory.

    Other:

    What’s that sound? It’s called ‘Air for a Tripe Organ.’

    Other other:

    It’s not a fish, so there’s really no point crying over spilt milt.

    Obscure reference:

    First time he saw Star Trek V, huh?

    Pun:

    A scotched pod ever soils.

  50. WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

    (Ok, so it’s a stretch… but the entrails remind me of a dead octopus…)

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