Category: Useless Stories

Originally published August 30, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1189

Gather round, kiddies—it’s another ripping installment of:

 Useless Stories

As I write this, I’m in sunny Montreal, where Space Cases is being prepped for its second season (set to begin in October). In that spirit, I’ve decided to show you a script that was written for the first season but—for a variety of reasons—didn’t get used. Written by Space Cases co-creator Bill Mumy and me, it shows the crew of the Christa learning one of the oldest lessons around: that the saying “May you live in interesting times” is the deadliest curse in the universe.

Continue Reading “Space Cases: “Same Old, Same Old” Part 1″ →

Originally published February 9, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1160

Previous installments: Part I – Part II – Part III – Part IV

I was staring at the wall.

This entire business had started small with a request by a kid named Billy Gates (who was no relation to some guy that people kept asking me if he was related to) to find out who had taken the fun out of comics.

The trail had led me in a giant circle, going from retailer to speculator to publisher to distributor and back to retailer. Each one pointed the finger of blame at the next. Each one had an answer that passed along responsibility to someone else.

And, in the wake of my investigation, there had been a massive purging of people from one of the major comic book companies. I found myself ankle-deep in devastation.

Continue Reading ““The Cape Dripped Red” Part V (Conclusion)” →

Originally published February 2, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1159

I knew better than to roll over the corpse of the Big Boss—or, should I say, what was left of the corpse of the Big Boss. The last thing I needed was to have my fingerprints all over the epidermis of the recently deceased.

But even without getting close, I noticed something straight off.

Continue Reading ““The Cape Dripped Red” Part IV” →

Originally published January 12, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1156

I felt the oh-so-gentle jab of a toe in my rib cage. The snow against my mouth tasted like New York snow usually tastes: dirty. What else can you expect from something that’s fallen through the air? After all, who knows where the air had been?

I tried to raise my head and get out a word that sounded vaguely more intelligent than a simple low moan of pain. Unfortunately, I was not particularly successful on that score. I made a sort of “urkh” sound, but that was all.

Continue Reading ““The Cape Dripped Red” Part III” →

Originally published January 5, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1155

“Find out who stole the fun in comics.”

The voice of my client, 12-year-old Billy Gates, echoed in my head, as I trudged through the snow. I couldn’t be wasting my time on a pointless case during pleasant weather. Nope. It had to be snowing. The trouble with snow is that it’s deceptive. It floats gently from overhead with an almost soothing silence. When it falls just right, even the high-decibel crankiness of New York City seems to fade out and be replaced by a respectful silence.

Continue Reading ““The Cape Dripped Red” Part II” →

Originally published December 29, 1995 in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1154

“Are you Ðìçk Cosmic?”

I’d been studying the racing forms for tomorrow’s stakes at Belmont, trying to determine just which horse I was going to bet on—which was, in turn, going to guarantee that some other lucky saps were going to strike it rich.

I’d convinced myself that I was not only the crunchy cream center of my own little private detective universe, but that my various picks in different races were capable of determining just precisely who was going to lose (me) and who was going to be raking in yet another long shot at the trackside ticket windows (not me). Sure, I was dragging some poor saps down with me.

Then again, anyone who was dumb enough to bet on the same ponies I picked probably deserved whatever they had coming to them.

The kid who spoke was standing in the doorway of my dingy little detective concern—said office located in one of the seedier sections of Times Square. The block was filled with prostitutes, pornographers, and slimeballs. Unfortunately, Disney was pretty much buying out everything, so the neighborhood was in danger of going straight down the toilet.

Continue Reading ““The Cape Dripped Red” Part I” →

Originally published April 7, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1116

The Young Hero had not visited his grandfather at the retirement home since Christmas 2031—nearly six months ago. He figured it was overdue. But he did so not out of a sense of joy, but rather of obligation. After all, the conversations always seemed to go exactly the same way every time. Still, someone should visit the old man, and it simply wouldn’t be right or proper to expect someone else to attend to it. Nope. It had to be him.

Continue Reading “The Young Hero” →