Originally published May 31, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1176
(The following continues the transcript from the Disney Villain Roundtable, held at Disney University in DisneyWorld. Participants are Cruella DeVil, Jafar, Ursula, Scar, Gaston, and the Evil Queen. Moderator is Malificent.)
Ursula: And then there’s the sexism involved in villainy.
Jafar: Sexism? Don’t be absurd.
Ursula: Oh, really? May I point out some of the demise scenes that the Disney geniuses have come up with.
Gaston: Well, I… uh… fell. Although, you know, there was a different ending discussed. One where I survived, only for the curse to be transferred to me. I’d get transformed into a beast and go running off into the woods, and LeFou runs after me having been transformed into a potbellied stove.
Scar: You know… I like that. I really do.
Gaston: So did I… especially because, with the power of the beast, I could have wreaked havoc! Revenge! I could have returned, claws bristling, and torn that newly transformed prince to ribbons… and then taken Belle and–!
Jafar: You’re talking sequel. Trust me on this one, Monsieur Biceps… sequels are not all they’re cracked up to be. My character survived the first film, albeit it in a rather humiliating state. But I fared even worse in the second.
Scar: Try being torn apart by hyenas, why don’t you?
Evil Queen: Or tormented by berserk dwarfs.
Scar: Oh, that sounds terrifying. Berserk dwarves?
Evil Queen: Dwarfs.
Scar: Whatever. With names like “Happy” and “Dopey,” I’m sure that would have struck fear into anyone’s heart.
Evil Queen: You’re crossing into dangerous territory, hairbag.
Malificent: Ursula, you were making a point about sexism, I believe?
Ursula: Correct. Every other villain came acropper via a variety of methods: Falling, imprisonment, falling, being eaten, falling, car crash, and… of course… the ever popular falling.
Evil Queen: Or falling after being tormented by–
Ursula: Shut up, bug eyes. The point, Mallie, is that you and I were the two most powerful female Disney villains… indeed, perhaps the most powerful…
Jafar: *Ahem*
Ursula: Oh, please. We were trained magic users and sorceresses in our own right. You rubbed some metal. Big deal. The point is… we were not only incredibly powerful, but we were women. And what happened? Both of us get impaled by phallic symbols. Sharp representations of male dominance… you on a sword, me on a bowspit. And we were the only two who weren’t defeated by the title characters: Females. After all, we were too powerful for “mere women” to handle, oh no. The handsome, drippy princes had to step in and do the job, wielding symbols of their masculinity. Jabbing, thrusting, shoving in with their…
Gaston: Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?
Ursula: You’re disgusting.
Malificent: He’s French. What did you expect?
Gaston: You know, I resent that sort of broad-based clichéd view of an entire people…
Scar: Oh, look, over there… Jerry Lewis.
Gaston: Where?! Where?!?!
Evil Queen: If he’s French, where’s his accent?
Jafar: You’re Dutch. Where’s yours?
Scar: You’re Arabic, where’s yours?
Malificent: You’re African, where’s yours?
Scar: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. And speaking as the only nude villain in Disney history…
Jafar: That’s almost as pathetic a reach for distinction as Ursula’s nonsense about sexism. All animals in Disney films don’t wear clothes… except for, of course, all mice.
Cruella: Yes, I’d been wondering about that. What is it with mice and that company? Mickey and his shorts, I understand. But all the mice are clothed. “The Great Mouse Detective,” “The Rescuers.” Even when they start unclothed, they get dressed.
Evil Queen: You’re talking about that sicko, Cinderella, aren’t you. The one thing Snow White and I both agreed on: We couldn’t stand her. Oh, Snow would act nice to her, but she acted nice to everyone… the two faced little…
Cruella: I just can’t believe Cinderella was supposed to be the heroine! The girl dresses vermin, for God’s sake! People speak so vilely of her stepmother, but good lord, I can’t blame her for keeping that girl locked in some upper room whenever company comes around. She’s an embarrassment! Not only is she incapable of bathing or dressing herself in the morning without help, but she makes little clothes for the šøddìņg vermin! If I saw a mouse scampering about, I’d be whacking it with a broom, and there’s Cinderella, the one-woman Filene’s Basement for rodents! It’s ghastly! Simply ghastly!
Jafar: It might not be entirely her fault. Being around all that high-pitched squeaking… if she weren’t crackers before that, that would certainly have been sufficient to drive her around the bend.
Malificent: Cruella’s right. It’s difficult to believe that Cinderella winds up in the castle when the more appropriate place for her is an asylum. I wonder if she ran about crafting hosiery for any rodents skittering about the palace. Can you imagine the prince introducing her to some foreign dignitary, and she turns around and start introducing her own little friends that she’s made around the castle… dressed in their finery?
Evil Queen: There’s a marriage that probably lasted five minutes.
Gaston: And yet… at least she had a marriage. Look where we wind up at the end of films.
Jafar: Nowhere.
Scar: Or worse.
Ursula: It hardly seems fair. All our work, all our efforts… and it comes to nothing.
Cruella: The heroes work hard and triumph. We work hard and come up empty, time and again.
Evil Queen: It doesn’t seem right.
Jafar: Maybe we should just give up.
Scar: There seems to be so little point to it all.
Evil Queen: All this wonderful villainy, going to waste. Perhaps we should forget it all…
Gaston: Turn over a new leaf.
Jafar: It would be nice to accomplish something, just once…
Malificent: I can’t believe this. I cannot believe what I’m hearing. The most powerful beings, the most insidious minds, the most twisted and warped sensibilities, gathered at one table…and all you can do is whine and moan about your fate! You’re a disgrace to the forces of evil!
Evil Queen: Well, what do you suggest?
Malificent: I say we fight back! I say we join forces!
Ursula: Not again. We tried that in “Fantasmic…”
Malificent: I’m not speaking of some two-bit waterside show in a theme park! I’m talking of a real, true revolution! Imagine if true disciples of chaos were running Disney!
Scar: Do you really think anyone would notice?
Jafar: How would we do it? Is it possible–?
Malificent: Of course it’s possible… because we have a new ally! The greatest villain in the Disney pantheon… in the universe… has agreed to help us!
Gaston: But all the major villains are already here!
Scar: Except Shere Kahn… thank God. Arrogant clown, afraid of his own tail…
Evil Queen: Who are you referring to?
Malificent: Tchernabog.
Cruella: Tchernabog?! The batwinged creature from the volcano in Fantasia? That Tchernabog?
Jafar: He’s huge!!
Ursula: Yeah, and I bet he doesn’t get impaled on some male symbol of–
Scar: Oh, do give it a rest, would you?
Malificent: Yes, Tchernabog! He who commands a million demons with a wave of his hand! Granted, he has problems with sunlight and the “Hallelujah Chorus,” but other than that he’s absolutely unbeatable! An army of Princes Charming couldn’t begin to slow him down! We can storm across the face of Disney… across the face of the world… and remake it into our image! Villainy will reign, evil will be rewarded! When Tchernabog arrives… we will be unbeatable!
Cruella: It sounds fantastic! I’m in!
Jafar: I’m with you, Malificent!
Gaston: As am I!
Scar: It sounds beastly! Count me in!
Ursula: We’ll rule land, sea and air! We’ll… wait? What’s that sound?
Gaston: The ground is rumbling! The building is shaking!
Malificent: He’s coming! He’s coming! Ladies and gentlemen… or, should I say, villains and villainesses… may I present… Tchernabo…
Jafar: Wait a minute! What kind of trick is this?! That’s not–
Cruella: Oh my lord! It’s… it’s…
All: Peacocks!!!
Peacocks: Yes, that’s right. It is we, the peacocks! We’ve tired of terrorizing tourists! We’re making our move! We destroyed Tchernabog on his way here… and now we’re taking you down!
Malificent: Nothing can stand against the unleashed might of infuriated Disney peacocks!
Evil Queen: Run! Run for your lives!!!
(A stampede as the villains rush out of the room, leaving only the peacocks… numbering in the hundreds… taking over the parks… taking over the world… coming this way… run… run…)
* * *
(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. He wishes to assure all concerned readers that the foregoing was just a work of fiction. It’s not as if… say… a peacock has taken over this column, typing away using the reliable hunt and peck method. No… no, far from it. It was just meant to be humorous. Why… peacocks wouldn’t hurt you. Not ever. Just… come down to Disney University and see for yourself. And if, while you’re down there, peacocks head your way… surround you… why, don’t run. No, no. Show them you trust them. Just lie down on the ground and present your jugular vein to them. Give in to the peacocks. Surrender to the peacocks… surrender… surrender…)
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For some reason, I imagine Dr. Facilier sittin among the attendees at this panel, taking notes.
I picture Gothel and Frollo trading parenting tips – and Gothel puling a knife when Frollo gets too close.
*applauds* That’s a riot! Terrific brick joke at the end there.
When I finally go to WDW, I’ll have to warn my kids about The Flock. They cornered the Davids and decimated Tchernabog himself!
Wait, they cornered the Davids? Can someone elavorate?
That was a story from a previous BID column (originally published about 2 months before this one):
http://www.peterdavid.net/2011/10/24/when-peacocks-attack/
Tchernabog had a problem with the “Hallelujah Chorus?” When did he hear it? In Fantasia, he and his demon minions begin fleeing when Schubert’s “Ave Maria” starts playing.
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Okay, maybe Malificent confused the two (it wouldn’t be the first time that a villain hosting a roundtable got the facts wrong). Maybe she’s one of those people who think all classical music’s the same.
Maleficent has professional standards to maintain. The first Disney Villain to say “hëll” in a movie can’t admit she knows the proper titles for hymns.
It would be like Lemmy Kilmister admitting he knew the Twilight soundtrack.
There’s a Twilight soundtrack? (I’m kidding, of course.)
Scarily enough, Our Host is not the only one to have had this idea. There are now four Kingdom Keepers books (and more to come) in print, written by Ridley Pearson (with — somewhat amazingly — the blessing of the Disney Powers That Be), and involving an ongoing plot by actual Disney villains to take over (a) the Disney theme parks, and (b) the world.
The Evil Queen was Dutch? I thought she was German, considering how most people would track her back to Grimm’s Fairy Tales.
I just watched Cinderella again today and realized something halfway through it: the mice are the stars. And Lucifer the cat is the real villian. Sure, Cinderella and the Stepmother are there and they play their part, but they’re very passive characters. Cinderella just wanders around being pleasant and talking to animals and the most evil thing the Stepmother does is locking a door. The mice are all over the place doing stuff: fixing dresses, outwitting cats, fishing keys out of pockets, pulling coaches, etc. And the cat causes trouble throughout the whole movie, even to the point that the mice essentially have a showdown with him to get Gus and the key back.
Well, Snow White wears wooden shoes, so I figured…
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PAD
So does Cinderella in one scene, but I’m pretty sure she’s French (story taken from Charles Perrault and all). However, I don’t think wooden clogs (or “clomps” in Dutch) are exclusively Dutch. I read a lot of old folk tales and I have one book of French folk tales and they mention wooden clogs frequently. I even learned and told a story called “The Wooden-Clog Maker and the King’s Daughter” from that book (oral storytelling is a hobby of mine). I’ve also read Dutch tales and they tell what the “clomps” were for. They were essentially what they used for boots when walking in wet, muddy ground. I think clogs might have been what some European countries used for walking around outside in the wet during the days before watertight rubber soles were developed. Just a theory. I think the Dutch just made them famous.
On the subject of clogs:
http://www.112gripes.com/53.html
To note, my grandparents, farmers all, wore them way into the sixties for everyday chores. But now, french farmers wear rubber boots now, and have done so since the fifties.
And Jerry Lewis has never been the star americians satisrists think he is in France. Some critics thought he was a good movie _director_ in the sixties, but that was all. No movies of his have played in theaters for years, it’s been a very long time since I’ve seen one of them being advertised on TV, and there’s no statue of him outside the Cinémathèque.
RE: The byline paragraph
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Did . . . did a peacock just order us to assume the party escort submission position?
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Will there be cake?
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In other videogame-related references, a number of these villains did in fact end up teaming up in Kingdom Hearts, as I recall. Jafar, Ursula, Maleficent (complete with all the forces of Hëll, i.e. Hades from Hercules), and yes, even Tchernabog. Perhaps you should contact Square-Eniz and discuss I small gratuity for coming up with the idea. 🙂
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In any event, strength in numbers? Didn’t help. They all got beat by a little kid, a clumsy dog, and a duck with a severe speech impediment. Once a failure, always a failure, I guess.
Well, even then, they did the whole “wait your turn” thing, instead of rushing the heroes en masse. If they’d gone all at once, it would have been no contest.
So, does this mean NBC is having its revenge on disney for buying ABC instead of them?
lol loved the thing though kind of thought chernabog was going to show up to help them. plus loved scar little i will show you mine if you show me yours crack. even being said by a disney bad guy the phrase is dirty. and love the peacocks sending them running. though would have cruella trying to turn the birds into a coat.