NOTE FROM PAD: After being out of the country for several weeks with limited access, not to mention a few no-shows in the rotation, we’ve got “Potato Moon” back up and running…kinda. Let’s see where we go from here.
Bela woke up.
She blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. Then, still unsure she wasn’t hallucinating, Bela sat up and looked around the strange room she now found herself in.
It was a large square room, smelling faintly of rose incense and extinguished candles. Three walls of the chamber were festooned floor to ceiling with shelves laden with the most bizarre collection of things she had ever seen. One shelf held a large hand puppet of a snake (until she realized it had an almost humanlike face and long blond hair). Another displayed a life-sized baboon of translucent crystal. From a third hung an oversized cage holding a duck with a countenance of purest malevolence. A small makeshift shrine on yet another held a small skull that Bela knew (somehow, just knew) was of a Buddhist monk, which would gladly debate philosophy with her and enjoyed yak-butter with its tea.
The remaining wall was empty, save for a sledgehammer and a small pile of bricks and mortar that lay against it. The wall was covered with irregularly patched cracks and gashes of varying sizes, as if it had been repeatedly broken then sloppily put back together.
In the middle of the room stood a man in a dark suit holding a cane in a hand with rings on each finger. He had long, wild hair, a thick beard, and the brightest eyes Bela had ever seen. He looked like a modern day Old Testament prophet and Bela had a sudden urge to either run for her life or throw herself down to the floor and repent.
‘Hello, “Bela”’, said the man in a surprisingly soft voice.
“How do you know my name?” Bela asked. “Why are you saying it in quotes?” She paused for a moment, considering, then: “How did I know you were saying my name in quotes? You didn’t wiggle your fingers or anything . . .”
The man smiled. ‘In order: I just do. Because that is who you are. Because you can.’
Bela’s face fell into her hands as she shook her head, uncomprehending. “Am I dreaming?”
‘No’, replied the man. ‘Dreams would be more in the province of “Neal”. This is more like idea space. You might have been sleeping or perhaps this is that instant between eyeblinks when reality ceases and recreates while you’re not looking.’
A thought crossed Bela’s mind. She looked up in terror and awe. “Are … are you … God?”
The man’s smile broke into a grin and then a laugh. ‘No, “Bela”. I’m a god but not the God. Strictly speaking, at the moment I’m not even a god right now because your current god writes now and he’s just borrowing me for the nonce. But for now, please, call me “Allen”.’
Bela frowned. “‘Allen,’ ‘Neal,’ ‘Bela’ … all in quotes. I don’t understand.”
‘We are “Allen”, “Neal”, and “Bela” because that is what we are’, replied Allen. ‘Not characters but, rather, caricatures designed for pastiche. I, “Allen” represent a god among gods, one the current god felt would best serve this creation. “Neal”, another such god, represents my former pupil.’
“And me? Who am I? Who do I represent?”
Allen’s grin settled back down to a sad smile.
‘You represent a bland creation of a journeyman god. The prime mover of your existence, “Bella”, the Primary Acting Deity whom I call PAD …’ he stopped and chuckled, turning towards the recently patched wall, as if sharing a private joke with some intelligence beyond it. ‘PAD set forth a contest wherein his fellow gods would essentially place the one-dimensional characters of said god before a fun-house mirror to create a grotesque illusion of depth.
‘The preceding gods have had merry sport with you. Think about how utterly absurd your life has been: I mean really … Dan Quayle?’
For the first time, Bela truly considered her recent adventures. How dámņ silly they were.
“So what does it all mean?” she asked.
‘“Bela”, it means that, quite literally, your entire existence had been nothing but one colossal joke.’
Bela sat unmoving, staring into space as the weight of the revelation settled into her. Then, bowing her head, she began to cry.
As her sobs echoed in the room, Allen walked over and knelt down next to her.
“DAMMIT! DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT!” shrieked Bela as she pounded her fists against her forehead. “I HATE ME!”
‘Why?’
“BECAUSE MY WHOLE GØÐS-ÐÃMNÊÐ EXISTENCE IS A JOKE!”
‘No it isn’t.’
“BUT –” she sniffled and caught her breath, “but you said my existence is a joke.”
‘No, I didn’t. I said your existence “has been” a joke.’
Bela, her eyes bloodshot, looked up at him.
‘You have potential. You have the potential to be something else. You would not believe what can evolve from the least promising material. I was given a rather insipid horror comic, “Bayou Beast”, and what stories I could tell with him! PAD himself transformed a less-than-interesting Jekyll-and-Hyde variation into something truly unique. The same could be true for you.’
“But what about my existence so far? It’s too far gone.”
‘That’s why you’re here’, said Allen. ‘“Idea space”, remember? The current god conjured me, “Allen”, because he felt I (or more accurately, the god I represent) was the best fit for it – my affinity with meta-commentary made me the ideal choice to attempt something as audacious as this. Think of this moment as the pause after the initial musical flourish. The music may continue as it was, it may go off on a new theme, or fugue back to similar but not quite identical. Past is prologue.”
“So, I won’t be a joke anymore?” asked Bela, wiping her nose.
Allen sighed.
‘I honestly don’t know. Instead of outlandish parody, perhaps you may become part of a thoughtful satire, or perhaps a non-campy deconstruction. Who knows? In order to make fun of the comic book industry, perhaps one of the proceeding gods will have “Jakob” punch time, or have you and “Edwood” make a deal with the Devil and reorder history, or perhaps a Crisis that will allow your existence to begin again at Chapter 1. PAD will be the first to agree that a reboot renumbering back to “1” is a guaranteed way to revitalize and fix a story’s direction. Perhaps, instead of rebooting you, the next god will use this interlude to dial back some of the more outlandish bits of your recent life, recasting them as half forgotten baubles in your room like the end of Time Bandits.
‘However, it is also possible that the next god, content to let it slide off the rails, will ensure a spectacularly messy ending for you. You may be subjected to indignities as yet undreamed. I notice with some surprise that none of the previous gods had anyone jumping any variation of shark. It’s entirely possible that soon, you will either leap over a shark, attempt to leap over a shark but fail and fall into the shark tank to be torn apart, or that someone will be metaphorical and have you copulate with a shark.’
Bela blanched.
‘But “Bela”, you have potential. Know that. And if that isn’t enough …’
Allen leaned over to Bela and whispered something into her ear.
Bela smiled.
“Thank you, ‘Allen.’ Thank you so much.” She wiped away her tears. “Will I ever see you again?”
‘Perhaps. Probably not’, replied Allen. ‘Even if you did, it wouldn’t be quite me. Different god and all.’
“Will I remember any of this?”
‘Depends on the whims of the next one in line. Maybe a bit, maybe nothing, maybe everything. Only one way to find out.
‘Are you ready?’
Bela took a deep breath. “Yes.”
‘Very well then. Close your eyes.’
Bela closed her eyes.
‘Bella’, whispered Allen. ‘Wake up.’
* * * * * * * *
Bela woke up …
• 
Wow, I really DID shatter the fourth wall…
Very cool stuff.
Yes, yes you did. Somebody had to fix it.
Thank you.
I wonder what the next person in line is gonna do. They’re gonna have to work hard to top everything that’s come before.
Maybe it’s time for that meteor to hit the Earth.
Well, the idea with my contribution was that no one would have to try. POTATO MOON kinda turned into a contest of “Top This!” Perhaps now it can proceed with a more reasonable level of lunacy.
Besides, any attempt to top yours would undoubtedly lead to mass insanity. It’s just safer not to attempt it. 🙂
Jeez, is this still going on? When a story like this requires a Crisis, you know it’s in trouble.
Hey, it’s been a almost a month since the last one, which is great to see it again. I hope the next scene begins with Bela waking up, literally on a motorcycle ready to jump over a shark. That would be awesome!
I’m just glad it finally moved on from my disasterous contribution. I was beginning to worry that I’d killed it entirely.
Your contribution wasn’t disastrous, it was just impossible to top. (This is what PAD wrote when I was tapped for my chapter: “Okay, David, you wanted in on “Potato Moon,” and you got in. And boy, has your predecessor left you with a lot to deal with. So much so, in fact, that the person in front of you punked out, unable to deal with it. So I’m hoping you can get us back on track.”) It was a wild and glorious thing to read, but a hard act to follow.
My other idea was to have the Brigadier from Monty Python enter, declare the story to be too silly, and segue on to something completely different. I then decided it would be more fun if I just went ahead and did something completely different instead.
He said that? Gee, all he said to me after reading it was “Uhhh… Okaaaayyy…”
(chuckles)
Honestly, given the musical nature, I’m shocked… SHOCKED… that nobody thought to blame it on Brave and the Bold villain Music Meister. Heck, you already have Dr. Horrible running around.
I still can’t figure out why it’s okay to refer to him by his real name, for the record.
Everyone note… Jacob? Still naked as of this chapter. He must be getting cold by now.
Actually, he’s not. From part 81:
““That will be quite enough of that, Jakob,” Edwood said firmly, his stern tone belied somewhat by the glitter on his skin. Jakob thought fleetingly about all the interesting places that glitter could get to before scowling and pulling on his pants.”
Oh, and for the record… Aaron and Sasha, I really enjoyed your chapters. 🙂
Thank you.
I recall PAD saying it was about halfway through when it was in the 40s, so I’d be surprised if it goes past 100.
Probably more than halfway in retrospect since there’ve been a few no-shows.
I’m curious to know if anyone is even reading it anymore -there never seem to be more than a handful of comments for any given entry, whereas Peter’s political essays, news items, and even his latest bowling score manages to muster up more responses.
Well, when we were doing three or four PM’s a week, people were bìŧçhìņg that it was all we were doing. Now they’re intermittent and people are complaining that no one’s interested. As for my latest bowling score, if you’ll check, you’ll notice that my report about the Marvel Bowl-off received exactly zero response until I started talking to myself.
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The fact is that the only things I post that receive truly significant responses are either political or reviews of TV shows.
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PAD
Obviously, your public wants you to start reviewing Glenn Beck’s TV show…
I’ve been keeping up with Potato Moon, and I’ve been enjoying it. I think that’s in part because my expectations have been reasonable. It’s an improvised collaboration between people who are for the most part not professional writers (to the best of my knowledge, anyway) and don’t even know each other.
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I’ve liked some chapters better than others but haven’t had much to say because I’m one of the contributors, and don’t want to give the impression that I’m sitting in judgment on anyone else’s installment. I mean, for God’s sake, I wrote mine in the space of twenty minutes. Talk about a fragile glass house.
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Anyway, I seem to be one of the few people who think this continues to be a worthwhile endeavor. I enjoyed it as a participant and am enjoying it as an audience member.
I knew hitting Bela in the head with a rock was a good idea. And not just because it kept me from having to give her dialogue.
Good work. Very Morrison.
…I think I just insulted Grant Morrison.
Yeah, there can’t be too many chapters left. Lord only knows how it’ll end.
Thanks for the set-up, and thanks for the compliment. It was a challenge to come up with something that could somehow put this beast back in its bridle. It was a lot of fun to write.
I think Alan Moore has a lot more to be insulted about.
No problem. Anytime you want Bela hit in the head with a rock, I’m your guy.
I think the beast ATE the bridle, honestly. This thing was way off the rails before I pulled the WereGiantRobot vs Idaho musical number.
Your bit was very much like Animal Man, hense the Morrison comparison. You got right everything I attempted and got wrong with the writer/PAD sequences.
Again, thank you for the compliment.
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I was tempted to use a Morrison totem instead of a Moore totem, but a). I couldn’t come up with a good pseudoname for him as I could “Allen”, b). I “got” Moore better than I did Morrison, and c). it gave me an excuse to throw in a bunch of Alan Moore in-jokes that either no one has figured out or no one has bothered to comment on.
For me, personally, I read a handful of them and while I thought they were somewhat amusing, since I didn’t like the source material everyone was uh, tributing, the story never really caught on.
I do think the idea itself was a lot of fun and I hope that PAD has another game like this in the future, staying far far away from Twilight as the subject matter.
I’ve thought about this too. If PAD ever wants to do another one, I’d say do the “Adventures of Albus Severus Potter at Hogwards”. Lots of room to parody re. fan fic to play around with in there.
“And thus began a very dull year, as all the bad guys were in jail, reformed or dead.”
One of the gags above did start me wondering, and I’ll bet someone here knows the answer –
When, on our mere mundane calendar, did the Various Flavors of DC Crisis writers have Superboy-Prime punch his way through time? I was curious as to whether they came up with it before or after Randy Milholland, in his side strip Super Stupor, created Time Peace (who later changed his name to Clockstopper, in the hope “it’ll get more girls”).
Been a month since the last entry, if this is the finale, it’s a nicely ambiguous way to end it with the “Bella woke up” line.
Heh. Just reread this, and suddenly realized that ‘Allen’ is using British-style single quotes for his lines, and “Bela” is using American-style double quotes for hers. Nice detail. 🙂
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I *was* wondering what happened with the updates… has everybody been punking out lately on PAD’s list?
Thanks. 🙂 “Allen’s” dialogue also follows British punctuation rules, with the period and the comma placed outside the quote marks rather than in. (I’d been recently subjected to a lot of British grammar and it just seemed like a puckishly fun thing to do.)
And I’m still waiting for *someone* to pick up on the Alan Moore in-jokes I threw in there . . .
Weren’t PAD and Ariel supposed to write the last chapter though?
Just in case you haven’t noticed, Lady S and her “publisher” have resurrected their work. The latest press release is at http://www.prlog.org/10470822-russet-noon-returns-the-empire-strikes-back.html
cool, maybe that way we can finally start reading an actual parody of the syb’s story
Well, it’s just fan fiction on the web at this point.
I mean, the “Press Release” thing is just mad. Anyone can put up a press release on that site.
She’s clearly gone off the idea of even vanity printing it, or making money from it.
…(taps mike)
Is this thing on?
Ahem…
Please finish the story.
Thank you. (bows respectfully, walks off the stage.)
I am sitting here staring at a basket of “Team Edward” hashrounds(tm) from Burger King, and thinking “Potato Moon” was just ahead of it’s time…
Yikes… it’s been a full year since the last instalment! someone must be working on a hëll of a last chapter!
Considering it is January 8, 2011 as I post this, I am beginning to think that Chapter 84 was (sadly) the last for the Potato Moon round robin.
While reviving this or starting Book 2: New Spud (a parody of the actual Book 2 title “New Moon”) are both options, personally, I would prefer to start fresh with a new round robin, if Peter ever has the time to host one again.
But did we at least get enough material to compose that charity volume for the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund?
Sincerely,
The contributor of Chapter 79.
The problem is that no one seemed to want to follow it. I spent a month going down the list of subsequent contributors, and every single one either never replied or said they would do it and then çráppëd out. I finally got fed up with it.
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PAD
So any chance that you and Ariel will then supply the last chapter as planned, bringing this odd experiment to a proper close?
I’ll second the motion. I mean, it’s not like it isn’t already at a good point to end it… But it just doesn’t feel right to leave it without you and Ariel giving it the final word.
Perhaps a posting on the main page asking for contributors would have been more successful, as well as giving people who had contributed a chapter in the past, the chance to do so again?
Two years and counting.
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[sigh]
Two and half years, and counting…