Blast from the Past

Originally published May 15, 1992

And now, due to absolutely no demand at all, we present another installment of:

USELESS STORIES

A couple of years ago, as a tie-in with DC’s “Invasion” storyline, artist James Fry and I produced one of the single silliest comics it’s ever been our joy to put out: The Blasters. The utter antithesis of every serious space-saga ever produced, “Blasters” featured the adventures of humans who had, as a result of alien experiments, developed super-powers. Originally developed by James and Robert Loren Fleming, I was brought in and told that DC wanted to go in “a different direction” with them.

I went in a different direction, all right. I went insane. Absurd in-jokes (ranging from “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” to “Star Trek” to “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”) were scattered throughout an utterly loopy story and semi-whacked characterization. I knew a lot of people would hate it. Usually I get very concerned about that notion. With “Blasters,” I didn’t care.

The main characters were the old JLA mascot, Snapper Carr (who could transport by snapping his fingers); Churljenkins, a green-furred cat female; Jolt, who uncontrollably repulsed everyone and everything (kind of like the entire slate of Democratic candidates); Gunther, an alien scientist who tried to alleviate her condition; Frag, a big German guy who exploded into fragments; Dexter, a British guy whose body became round and large, like a mirror, and projected reflected light; Crackpot, a black guy who could talk anyone into anything; Moishe, a small Israeli boy who could spin at cyclonic speeds; and his mother, who had no powers, but was the most formidable member of the group because she’s a Jewish mother.

So this one-shot special came out, and some people liked it, and some people hated it, and I didn’t give it much more thought because it had been a hoot to work on that was all that mattered.

Then, a few months ago, I was contacted about the possibility of doing another “Blasters” one-shot. To my mind, there were only two reasons for doing so: To get to work with James again, and to see if we could get even more demented than before.

The go-ahead was given, and James and I got together at my house. Our firm conviction about the “Blasters” hadn’t wavered: This group was far too eclectic to try and write anything remotely straight about them. Besides, what was the point? There were lots of straight space adventure stories out there.

Considering the way we’d done “Blasters” the first time, they barely seemed to fit into the present DC universe at all. And so we decided, hëll, let’s do something that takes them out of that universe altogether.

And we did, cackling dementedly all the way.

An outline (not a full plot) was sent in, approved at the outset, but then rejected further on down the line because it didn’t fit into the current atmosphere of the DC universe.

We tried to be silly, in-jokey, and apparently had succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.

Maybe they’ll bring in Bob Fleming to go in a different direction with it. That would be appropriate. In the meantime, since I never saw any money off it, I figure it’s mine. So you “Blasters” fans (both of you) can thrill to the story you’ve been saved from thanks to DC editorial diligence, namely:

“THE RETURN OF THE BLASTERS”

Outline for 1-shot

by Peter David & James Fry

Once again the Blasters launch into outer-space adventures, this time to save the hapless denizens of an alternate-dimension planet from falling prey to the darksome intentions of an interplanetary menace. Featuring more bizarre riffs, strange attitudes, and insane twists than anyone could possibly expect–or believe, for that matter. At the same time, “Blasters” continues the fourth-wall shattering, comic-tweaking attitude that had fans all over the country saying, “What the hëll is this?”

* * *

In recent months, things have gone badly for the Blasters. Since their comic was not picked up into a regular series, the group broke up and the members went their separate ways, each trying to eke out a living. The smooth-talking Amos, a.k.a. Crackpot, who can convince anyone of the truth of anything he says, is now working as a White House Press liaison. Young Moishe, a.k.a. Dust Devil, is becoming a successful child star, starring as a youthful Captain Kirk in “Star Trek VII: The Voyage Home Alone.” Others have found employment in the world of comics: Frag, with his exploding abilities, is now a supervillain stunt double (explaining how supervillains always seem to manage to survive the life-ending situations they’re in); Dexter is helping Gotham City save electricity by functioning as the Bat Signal; Jolt and Gunther are operating a beauty salon, specializing in producing those weirdo zapped haircuts so popular with such characters as Lobo, Wolverine, and others. Churljenkins, the rock-and-rolling cat female is presently unemployed, although she had been doing doubling work for Tigra, Catwoman, and the many other feline characters in the various universes. And Snapper Carr has been pursuing, with a singular lack of success, a singing career.

Things change abruptly when Snapper is contacted by representatives from the far off world of DizzNee (the Happiest Planet in the Universe). The reps are under the misconception that the Blasters are, in fact, a singing group, and want them to perform. Snapper, seizing the opportunity, manages to convince the other members of the Blasters to leave their current positions and take their act on the spaceroads.

The Blasters take off, but trouble strikes when their rented ship goes off course and they fall into a bizarre galactic anomaly called a Kitchen Sink Hole. They drop through the Sink Hole (passing some old webbing that reads “The Spirit”) they emerge into a pocket universe (complete with lint.) In front of them is a large world that is being, of all things, pushed along, by a small group of super-powered animals.

The Blasters confront the animals, who are revealed the be the SCPA (Space Canine Patrol Agency; one of their members is Krypto, of course, except that Krypto doesn’t exist anymore, so he’ll be wearing noseglasses and a cape with a prohibit slash through the “S” so that no one will know it’s him.) There is a brief altercation before the SCPA realizes that the Blasters are not their enemy, nor are they agents of He Who Is…namely the planet-ravaging individual known as Galaxis.

The SCPA has moved their homeworld, which is called Mort, to this relatively secluded section of space to keep it safe from the anger of Galaxis. Ignoring the fact that this is, of course, preposterous, the Blasters head to the planet surface (noting as they go that the skies are purple) to meet with the ruler of the planet Mort who is, naturally, a talking gorilla. They also run into pastiche versions of the following denizens of the planet Mort: PET (the cats who are pets of the Phantom Zone Criminals); Bat-Mite; Super-Turtle; Mopee; female reporters who only dream about unmasking someone; Beppo; whoever else occurs to us. Also, all small children on Mort begin sentences with the phrase “Me am…” and virtually everyone speaks, not in normal conversational tones, but instead in expository dialogue.

It turns out that Galaxis is the enemy of all that Mort stands for. Herein is revealed the Secret Origin of the humongous space-going Galaxis: Eons ago, at the dawn of time, Galaxis was walking home from a movie with his parents, Eternity and Death. And then, to the horror of young Galaxis, his parents were gunned down by Joe Chill. This so traumatized young Galaxis that, as he grew up, he swore vengeance on the entirety of the universe. But he wasn’t sure what form that vengeance should take. And then, one night, he was sitting in his living room, and a planet suddenly hurled through the window and fell into his fireplace, becoming covered with dirt and grit. “That’s it!” declared Galaxis. “I shall take planets, and make them gritty!”
And so Galaxis travels through the galaxy, taking happy and fun planets and turning them grim and gritty.

The Blasters try to organize the denizens of Mort, telling them that they must take a stand against Galaxis. Mort marshals its collective forces (except for Super-Turtle who’s busy eating lollipops) and then Galaxis, in all his towering, grim and gritty fury, shows up. The Blasters and the Morts attack, but all their efforts are as nothing against the World Changer as he readies his massive Grim and Gritty Ray. He then activates the ray…

And the planet Mort begins to transform. For one thing, it gets an “e” tacked on its name so it becomes “Morte.” The SCPA turns into ravenous, snarling beasts. A number of beings are simply too silly to continue to exist, and blink out of existence. And the Blasters themselves begin to transform, become grim and gritty versions of themselves. Churljenkins starts clawing people and speaking with caption narrative. Amos becomes angry and snarling because he’s black. Frag becomes an ex-Nazi alcoholic. Snapper starts snapping necks instead of fingers. Jolt becomes a prostitute, and Gunther her pimp. In one of the most bizarre changes of all, the British Dexter is transformed into–to all intents and purposes–Sandman, using his reflecting power to become a mirror of all the darkness and bleakness in the soul of humanity. In addition his dialogue balloons become white-on-black and no one can make out what he’s saying.

The last ones to be affected are Moishe and his mom (since Moishe is the youngest and most innocent, he’s the toughest one to change). But it begins when his mom is blown away in cold blood, riddled with more holes than swiss cheese. Moishe runs away screaming, feeling himself also becoming grim and gritty. A 900 number is posted demanding whether or not Moishe should be killed off. Moishe runs, screaming, to the office of the Gorilla president and, after narrowly escaping death, discovers a secret lab with a large raygun in a capsule that says, “ENLARGING RAY. IN CASE OF PLANETARY DISASTER, BREAK GLASS.” Moishe breaks the ray out and turns it on himself, so that he can grow super-huge and confront Galaxis. But just as he activates it, Super-Turtle cruises by and gets caught in the ray.

Galaxis is looking over his handiwork. His job is just about done…and then suddenly to his amazement, he is confronted by the equally towering, super-humongous Giant Turtle Moishe. Giant Turtle Moishe slugs it out with Galaxis…

And the titanic confrontation is witnessed by all the grim and gritty inhabitants of Morte. It is easily the most ludicrous thing they have ever witnessed. They start to laugh uncontrollably, laughter and good-humor sweeping the planet.
And Dexter absorbs the emotions washing over him, concentrating it and turning the power onto the planet ravaging Galaxis. Galaxis screams, writhes under the emotional power being turned upon him…and he starts to change…

And he is transformed into…Bizarro Galaxis #1. With a white, fragmented face and a completely new attitude, B.G. #1 is now determined to bring happiness and fun to the universe. He starts by transforming Morte back into Mort, putting everything the way it was (including reviving everyone who died). He then goes off to spread silliness throughout the galaxy as the denizens of Mort wish him well.

Having defeated the menace of Galaxis, the Blasters must now find a way to return to their own dimension. The answer to that, of course, is simple: All they have to do is say aloud the word “Sretsalb”…Blasters spelled backwards…and they are magically sent back home. And ahead of them is DizzNee…easy to spot, because it’s this big planet with two equal-sized moons positioned at about 11 o’clock and 1 o’clock, giving it the general appearance of a giant stylized mousehead. The Blasters give their first major performance, are a tremendous hit, and launch on a new career as a spacegoing rock and roll group.

And then, suddenly…

The book ends.

# # #

Just for the record, the “Secret Origin of Galaxis” is Part One of James’ “Secret Origin of Galactus.” Herewith Part Two of James’ Secret Origin, which explains, among other things, why Galactus had a big “G” on his chest when he first showed up (we would have worked this into the “Blasters” comic, too.)

The setting is Stan Lee’s office, and Jack Kirby walks in with the pages of Fantastic Four #48:

JACK: Here it is, Stan, the latest issue. Story we discussed about the FF fighting someone big and cosmic. Well, here he is.

STAN: This big guy here? With the “G” on him? He looks great, Jack. Who is he? What’s the “G” stand for?

JACK: God.

STAN: God?

JACK: That’s right, Stan.

STAN: We’ve got the FF fighting God?

JACK: Well, sure. Big guy, wearing a “G.” Shows up on your planet and that’s all she wrote. Who else is he supposed to be?

STAN: I dunno, Jack. I mean…the FF going up against God?

JACK: Don’t count ’em out, Stan. That Ben Grimm, he’s a pretty tough customer.

STAN: Hmm. And who’s this guy here? On the surfboard?

JACK: That’s Frankie Avalon.

STAN: What?

JACK: Oh yeah, trust me on this, Stan. The kids love Frankie Avalon. But I was having trouble with the hair, so I left him bald. Have Vinnie or somebody put that in.

STAN: The FF battle God and Frankie Avalon. Ooookay…if you say so, Jack.
(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to c/o To Be Continued, In., PO Box 239, Bayport, New York 11705.)