My procedure

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

One of the downsides of passing fifty is that medical science becomes interested in shoving all kinds of stuff up your ášš. On the other hand, I’ve had too many friends die far short of fifty to feel like anything other than an ingrate if I bìŧçh about it too much.

As I write this, I’m still slightly loopy from being rendered unconscious for my very first colonoscopy. I really should have had it two years ago, but, well…I’ve been busy.

Colon cancer is a rather insidious form of cancer in that it can be pretty far along before it presents any major symptoms. A colonoscopy, which involves essentially introducing a camera into your colon that looks for, and removes, any growths it encounters, is the preferred means of checking for it.

The procedure itself isn’t a problem; I was unconscious for it. The adventure is the preceding twenty-four hours in which you have to fast while drinking this stuff called Halflytlely. From what I’ve heard others say, it used to taste like liquid chalk. Apparently they’ve made improvements, because my version–about a gallon of the stuff that I had to chug over an hour or so–basically tasted like slightly thick, weak orange juice. So if someone tells you that the stuff you drink is really ghastly, be aware they’ve made improvements. The purpose of the stuff is to clean out your colon. Without going into detail, my recommendation is to just set up camp on a toilet and have a mini-DVD player or iPhone that you can watch TV on, because you’re really not going to want to go much of anywhere else for three hours. Once you get through that, though, you’ve endured the worst of it.

My procedure was done right in the doctor’s office, which I would highly recommend rather than having to deal with the entire outpatient procedure of a hospital (not to mention god knows what kind of infections can be floating around). I walked in at 9:15 and walked out by 10:15.

The result was that I was clean inside and don’t have to deal with it again for another five years. By that time I’m hoping they have Halflytley that tastes like chocolate, or maybe Coca Cola.

So if a colonscopy is something you’re facing, or avoiding, or postponing, it’s really not as bad as it’s made out to be.

PAD

79 comments on “My procedure”

  1. Whiplashman said:

    “They do have a camera pill you can swallow that can take pictures of every inch of your GI tract … but you still have to get cleaned out, and if it finds anything they have to schedule you for a separate colonoscopy. So what’s the point? Same with the “virtual colonoscopy”, which they do with a CT scanner … you still have to get cleaned out, they have to go in again if they find anything, plus you’re getting a nice hefty dose of radiation.”

    True, but the important thing is that if you are clear, you have not had the colonoscopy. Approx. 5% of all colonoscopies cause tears in the intestinal wall that could possibly cause an infection.

  2. Diarrhea in a Drum, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Food Poisoning…

    Just when I didn’t think it could get better. And then Alan has to bring us all down with a sentence that includes the words “tear” “wall” “intestinal” and “in”. Ðámņ. I was this close to scheduling one a couple of years early (EDITORS NOTE-the hëll he was).

  3. Peter – Next time ask for the pills. Much easier to do. My experience was positive and they removed a polyp.

  4. The Savage Swab of Colon. Stool Aid. Stool & The Gang. Round Up The Usual Stool-specks. Fecal Contraction. Incontinental Divide.

  8. Star Wars II: The Colon Wars

    Colon Encounters of the Third Kind

    Indiana Jones and the Colon of the Crystal Skull

  9. I had one recently as well and used the HalfLitely for the first time. Its not quite as bad as what I’ve done in the past. I’ve been having them roughly every other year since 1985 due to having been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease back then (which has been in remission for quite a while, but the doctor wants to keep an eye on things). The prep has always been worse than the procedure, especially with the newer drugs where you don’t remember any of it!

  12. My father died of bladder cancer, so my brother and I decided we both needed to get in and get checked out. I was able to read 4 readers digests cover to cover while my Golytely did everything but go lightly. I was wasnt put out but was able to enjoy quite a lovely cocktail (versed, Fentanyl, demorol) Man the wonders of drugs. I went from crawling-the-wall fear to being concerned that my ášš wasnt sticking up far enough for the Dr.
    What was worse was: it was done as an out-patient which the area is adjacent to the ER which is where I work so naturally my nurse was someone I work with. I wonder why she never looks me in the eye?

  13. The Remains of Two Days.

    I think we may have a winner here — I very nearly spit out my tea.

  14. Does one read “Crack’d” magazine during the procedure? A “Fox News” joke is waiting here somewhere.

  15. “Crohn’s disease “

    Our oldest son (23yo) has been given this as a provisional diagnosis to be confirmed on follow-up gastroscopy next month or early Feb. He was NOT IMPRESSED with the prep meds he had to take (Poly-Prep?). He was pretty “spaced out” after the first gastroscopy though.

  16. I too have Crohn’s Disease, and have had to have a few colonoscopies. I was never given the option of having anaesthesia. The whole experience was extremely painful.

  19. Peter David: What amazes me is both how quickly I went out and how quickly I woke up and shook off the anesthetic once it was over.
    Luigi Novi: Yeah, I had the same experience in September of last year when I had five teeth removed, four of which were impacted wisdom teeth. The last time I had had general was when I had a tonsillectomy at age seven. But when I had a biopsy at age 18, the butcher–er, I mean, the surgeon, insisted on local, and it seemed like I felt everything. I resolved that I would never opt for local again.

    So when it came time to get five chompers yanked, and they gave me the general, I was AMAZED at the transition. I’m in the O.R. getting the pumped into me, and and–WHAMMO! I’m in the recovery room waking up with tubes in my nostrils. The surgeon even told me that I was “fighting” him at some point during my semi-consciousness. I had no recollection of this, but I apologized to him. The best thing was that the pain, which felt like my head was going to split open, was gone. Thank you general anesthesia!

  20. “They forced him to watch “Twilight?”

    LOL

    The level of sedation is just above unconsciousness.

  21. I had one back in May. The procedure was just as you described. The only difference with me was the mixture I took to clean the colon out. I forget the brand name, but it tasted like cherry flavored mucus. They gave you five different flavor packets and, in retrospect, I should have gone with tropical fruit.

    I was awake for most of the procedure. Seeing the inside of your own colon through an arthroscope wasn’t as disgusting as I imagined, but it won’t replace The Daily Show as evening entertainment.

    Despite the worries of the medical staff, I shook off the anestetic quickly, so much so that I felt guilty about having my sister take off work to ferry me home when I could have easily ridden a bus. Personally I think insurance liability worries make these doctors offices cautious to the point of paranoia.

    For anyone facing this, the worst part is the evacuation of the colon the night before. Once you get past those two or three hours, the rest is a breeze – – unless they find something, of course.

  22. The preparation for my first one was horrible, though not quite as horrible as the procedure itself.

    I had been suffering for the last several months from undiagnosed Crohn’s Disease, which had made my appetite virtually nonexistent, and I couldn’t keep down what little I did eat. I could only keep liquids down, so I was basically surviving on the sugar in pop. My weight had dropped from 250 pounds to about 180 pounds in about 6 months.

    They finally admitted me to the hospital, and diagnosed the Crohn’s by finally x-raying the area I said the pain was coming from. They immediately put me on steroids. My appetite immediately came back in spades, due to my prolonged starvation diet. Also, the steriods increase your appetite, so I was mad with hunger.

    However, they needed to do a colonoscopy to confirm, so the first thing they do is put me on a clear fluid diet for 24 hours. So that night, I having to endure a hunger like I’ve never experienced before since, but forbidden to eat anything.

    The next morning the nurse brings me a huge 6 liter bottle of water, and am told I have to drink the entire bottle before I can have the colonoscopy. I have to keep drinking until only clear water is coming out the other end. I drink and drink and drink, but I just get more bloated, and nothing comes out the other end. Finally, I get the added indignity of an enema to get things flowing.

    But all things considered, the procedure itself was still much worse. And I didn’t get any anaesthetic, or heavy-duty painkillers, just a light painkiller that was probably slightly more powerful than taking a couple Tylenol.

  23. “My weight had dropped from 250 pounds to about 180 pounds in about 6 months.”

    Our young bloke went from his normal weight of 72kgs to 56kgs (he’s 185cm tall – so on the slim side to start with) in about 8 weeks.

  24. I had a colonoscopy on July 14 this year. I told the doctor that I was sure that he’d heard all the jokes he could stomach and more, so I only commented that there must be a better way to celebrate the storming of the Bastille.

    The cleansing was a STRONG disgusting orange flavour, and two fleet enemas, one the evening before and the second the morning of the procedure. That was definitely the worst part of the whole thing. The second-worst part was that the nurse assisting, um, recognized me from my job. THAT was embarrassing…

    In-hospital at 8:00 a.m. for blood-work and being tossed into a bed for 5 hours of boredom until they put in the IV, then wait until 3:30 for the procedure. I fell asleep for it, and was told afterward to lie on my left side, “because that’s the way the wind blows.” Yeah, much passing of gas.

    Apart from it taking all day, it really was nothing to be concerned about. Despite the current (improved?) state of the laxative, do NOT make excuses to delay the procedure.

  25. God, you people are hilarious – TWO spittakes while reading this! Who…does…number two…work…for…

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