One of the downsides of passing fifty is that medical science becomes interested in shoving all kinds of stuff up your ášš. On the other hand, I’ve had too many friends die far short of fifty to feel like anything other than an ingrate if I bìŧçh about it too much.
As I write this, I’m still slightly loopy from being rendered unconscious for my very first colonoscopy. I really should have had it two years ago, but, well…I’ve been busy.
Colon cancer is a rather insidious form of cancer in that it can be pretty far along before it presents any major symptoms. A colonoscopy, which involves essentially introducing a camera into your colon that looks for, and removes, any growths it encounters, is the preferred means of checking for it.
The procedure itself isn’t a problem; I was unconscious for it. The adventure is the preceding twenty-four hours in which you have to fast while drinking this stuff called Halflytlely. From what I’ve heard others say, it used to taste like liquid chalk. Apparently they’ve made improvements, because my version–about a gallon of the stuff that I had to chug over an hour or so–basically tasted like slightly thick, weak orange juice. So if someone tells you that the stuff you drink is really ghastly, be aware they’ve made improvements. The purpose of the stuff is to clean out your colon. Without going into detail, my recommendation is to just set up camp on a toilet and have a mini-DVD player or iPhone that you can watch TV on, because you’re really not going to want to go much of anywhere else for three hours. Once you get through that, though, you’ve endured the worst of it.
My procedure was done right in the doctor’s office, which I would highly recommend rather than having to deal with the entire outpatient procedure of a hospital (not to mention god knows what kind of infections can be floating around). I walked in at 9:15 and walked out by 10:15.
The result was that I was clean inside and don’t have to deal with it again for another five years. By that time I’m hoping they have Halflytley that tastes like chocolate, or maybe Coca Cola.
So if a colonscopy is something you’re facing, or avoiding, or postponing, it’s really not as bad as it’s made out to be.
PAD
• 
Having had two colonoscopies–and due for another next year, I second what you’re saying about it not being as bad as it’s made out to be. The preparation is definitely worse than the procedure. Each of my colonoscopies was done in the hospital, though, and I was conscious both times. The first time the doctor asked if I wanted to see the screen, to see what he saw. Peter, by not being conscious you missed one of the miracles of modern science: the ability to look up you own áššhølë.
In the immortal words of Sluggy Freelance…
“NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH COLONOSCOPY!”
Glad you made it through okay.
My ex-wife had a colonoscopy several years ago, and not only was she awake for it, but I was there with an eye on the monitor Steven mentioned. Looking up anyone’s áššhølë is kind of like a less-exciting version of “Fantastic Voyage.”
That being said, I do not look forward to any medical procedures involving the introduction of any device or digit to my bum.
Looking up anyone’s áššhølë is kind of like a less-exciting version of “Fantastic Voyage.”
Just as long as Donald Pleasence isn’t involved. Raquel Welch, on the other hand …
Dude, feeling for you right now, especially with the whole prep procedure you had to endure before the event. Having a history of problems in my family, I had to have my first encounter with the camera snake last year at 40. Thankfully, like you, I’m all clean up there — relatively speaking of course.
Mazel Tov
hey PAD… first and foremost, glad to hear everything turned out ok.
i have to imagine that you’ve seen this at one point or another, but if not, dave barry has an amazingly funny column (aren’t they all) on the subject.
http://www.miamiherald.com/283/story/427603.html
the ability to look up you own áššhølë.
I can think of a number of elected officials who’ve had that ability innately for quite some time, simply due to the location of their heads.
More seriously, kudos to PAD both for getting the procedure done and for prodding us to do it. I’m not quite of an age where it’s been an issue yet, but it’ll be there afore too long, and his recommendation is a good one.
Just as long as the stuff I have to drink tastes like pizza.
TWL
so, assuming you follow the old adage of “write what you know” can we expect to see this fictionalized in the next “Knight Life” sequel? An issue of “Hulk”, maybe?
Fallen Angel?
so, assuming you follow the old adage of “write what you know” can we expect to see this fictionalized in the next “Knight Life” sequel? An issue of “Hulk”, maybe?
Fallen Angel?
My father had colon cancer surgery several years ago when he had a pain in his side. The doctors thought a fat pocket was pinching a nerve. They went in, and were shocked at how much cancer they found in the colon…if he had waited six months, the amount of cancer would have ruptured his colon and he would have died. As it is, they got it all out (along with a generous portion of his intestine) and he is now as 100% cancer free as one can be. My aunt was in the hospital, at the same time with the same cancer, but unfortunately wasn’t as lucky as Dad. She died a month later. Dad was 52 when he had the surgery, and the doctors recommended his kids getting colonoscopies earlier than normal, so at 30, I had one done. The chalk-crap was almost unbearable, but I’m glad they’ve made taste improvements. I’m due for the next one sometime next year when I’m 35, and have to say any discomfort or hesitancy on doing those tests is a totally wrong reaction. Get checked, do it regularly and be thankful when they find nothing wrong. It’s well worth the piece of mind.
Funny thing…when I was doing my cleansing, I occupied myself by reading PAD’s Hulk run. The time just flew by!
The other problem is the whole “no food for 24 hours and no one to drive me to and from the hospital” thing. And non-eating goes poorly with diabetes maintenance…so I’m hoping that they come up with something better (i.e. no fasting required) in the next few years. 🙂
Since it runs in the family and I had a grandmother die at age 51, I was advised to have mine done by age 40. Then an older sibling was tested at age 41 and they removed two polyps, so I went in a year early (why wait?) at age 39 and they removed two from me too.
I was awake through it all as well. My doctor was extra serious and put me on the liquid diet for 48 hours instead of just 24. Same gallon of colyte. (I was asked if I wanted the flavored or generic, and due to my insurance not covering the flavored, took the generic, and wasn’t too bothered.) And then I had to do a self-administered enema the morning of. Never done one of those before – kind of fun.
I hadn’t realized you were that close to me in age (I’m 55.5)
Doctors must differ. I had my 1st colonoscopy a few years ago and I was told I wouldn’t need another for 10 years.
You’re correct .. all things considered, it wasn’t that horrendous an experience.
I’m a comic book writer with an internet presence. I have to deal with enough áššhølëš without gazing up my own. I was perfectly satisfied with looking at the pictures afterward.
No, I’m not posting them.
They’re going straight to ebay.
PAD
I agree with you having had two myself. The prep is worse than the procedure. My doctor had me use this powder mixed with Gatorade (You can use any flavor but red colored)so the second time the drink wan’t that bad.
What I found surreal is after the procedure. My doctor and his group prefer that you “pass wind” before they send you home. So I found myself in a post-procedure area with about ten other patients. It sounded like something out of a Mel Brooks movie.
But considering the alternative, it was all worth it.
Do you have any good lines we can use, since I’m sure the doctor has heard all the classics (“Snort twice if you locate truffles!”) many many times.
Seriously, thanks for this. I’m a couple of years away from this and I’ve always had visions of some contraption that would look like the land submarine from AT THE EARTH’S CORE. Also, I heard about the Halflytlely (Which, btw, looks like a name that was created by just jamming your palm onto the keyboard. THIS is the best they could do? Assperclean. Rectorooter. Colonblow. Chalky McCrapsalot. I could come up with dozens of better names, and some amusing cartoon mascots besides.)
Anyway, you made it sound way better than I thought it would be so thank you. Anything that encourages people to do what’s best.
I had three of those procedures in a short period of time when I was 22 because of internal bleeding. GOD, they sucked! (I hear they’re gotten less uncomfortable in the last decade or so though.)
Even so, they’re not as awful as having the nasal-gastric tube. I was afraid of needles until I turned 22. Then they gave me the ng tube, and I got over needles like THAT, and replaced in with fear of tubes.
And it’s procedures like these that make me glad I’m only 26, going on 27. Hopefully by the time tests like these come around for me, they’ll be able to scan me with a tricorder-like device.
On the other hand, I have to deal with high cholesterol. 🙁
Last I checked, two months ago, it was 386 with an LDL of 316.
My doctor said they are working on a microcamera that you can swallow and it takes pictures as it travels through the system and, uhm, exits. So the next time it may be very different for you PAD.
Need to get mine done early next year.
Owen — YOW. Having had bouts with cholesterol myself, those numbers are worryingly large. I hope you’re getting some kind of treatment for it!
I had one when I was…hmm 15 maybe? 17? Somewhere in high school. They wanted me to get another one this year (I’m 30 now) just to get a look inside my intestines again (I have IBS).
I thought about it for a while then decided that I could go another few years without what I’m sure (due to my situation) will be a very obnoxious situation – the prep last time was almost more annoying than the procedure itself. Except that I woke up screaming in the middle of because the pain was so bad and had to be re-sedated.
It sounds like the stuff they have you drink isn’t so bad anymore. I remember mine was pretty horrible – they called it (or told me, the kid) “electrolytes” at the time.
I’m glad everything came out ok!
..hmm. No pun intended. Seriously.
I’ve had two colonoscopies…one at age 22 and one at 27; Because I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Luckily I have basically cured myself of the disease by eating correctly, so I won’t need another one until I get to whatever appropriate age for a colon cancer check.
I can report tho, that whatever they used to put me to sleep was wonderful. It was quite possibly the best 45 minute nap of my life.
As horrendous as the preceding day is from drinking all that stuff, I really wish they could put that IV in my arm and put me out like that again 🙂
Thanks for writing about this. I had one done last year shortly after turning 30, but they had me take pills every initially every 15 minutes for an hour and then again at 6am the next day, every 15 minutes for an hour. They found some pre-cancerous polyps and removed them. Now I’ll be back in a few years.
Yeah, the ultimate result was great, but those hours spent on the “throne”… ugh.
Mike, your story sounds similar. My dad suffered from ulcerated collitis and a-typical polyps as a teenager and in his young twenties. They removed some when I was born, and the complete rest of… his lower(?) intestines due to cancer when I was ten (he was 38). My aunt developed colon cancer when she was around the same age, fought it, lived for three years and eventually died as it moved into her ovaries. The reason? Private Insurance versus an HMO essentially.
Cut to me: Aged 28. My physician suggested to start ten years before the age of the parent at the time of discovery. I’m 32 now and had my second two years ago, spaced three years apart. They tell me if I develop a polyp, it will be annually and if it’s a-typical, every six months for a while.
My flavor of choice was cherry GOLYTELY. Holy hëll, that stuff was NASTY. Bitter and ugh. I hope they’ve changed and improved. Thirty years ago Dad had to drink mixed castor oil and orange juice.
I don’t eat red meat or diary for the week into the procedure. And starting two days before, I only eat salads, and high fibrous foods and fast for 24 hours before. The last time was less than half of the gallon and “easy” on the system.
I just can’t do this. I turned 50 this year and will be nagged by all and sundry. No issues in my family.
The husband has it done regularly and has polyps removed. *shudder*.
I hate hospitals, anesthetic and I don’t think I want the back door used as an entrance. Exit only!
That “cleaning out the colon” process sounds unpleasant, but are there health benefits to that beyond preparing you for the procedure? If there’s stuff that isn’t getting out of your colon just through normal means, it seems that cleaning it out would be a good thing.
Speaking as someone who was quite surprised by colon cancer this year (at the age of 43), good for you!
What I found surreal is after the procedure. My doctor and his group prefer that you “pass wind” before they send you home.
Good lord. I had NOTHING like that. I woke up, they told me everything was fine, and I went home.
Nor did I have to do any self-administered enemas. The more I hear, the happier I am with the way I had it done. Again, no desire to be awake for it. Perhaps the “being awake” thing is easier to do in a hospital. What amazes me is both how quickly I went out and how quickly I woke up and shook off the anesthetic once it was over.
PAD
If it makes you feel any better Peter, I’m 35 years old and have already had four of these procedures, with a fifth coming this summer. I have Crohn’s Disease and my internal health has to be monitored more closely because of that.
You were fortunate enough to be knocked out when they were doing the test. The first three times I had it done, the doctors said, “You’ll be out and won’t remember a thing.” Aside from the fact that I was awake through the entire procedure and remembered every minute of it, they were right. Then I switched to a new doctor and the way he did the test was a vast improvement. The anesthesiologist gave me the sedative and told me to count backward from 10. I think I got to 9 and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery area. So far, I’ve had a clean bill of health.
And the passing wind comes from the fact that the device they use for the colonoscopy can blow air into the area they are checking to make passage of the probe easier and allow a clearer view. The air can get trapped and need to be released later. (These are the nicest terms I can think of for this situation.) Fortunately, that hasn’t happened in my case, but that’s how it was explained to me.
I’m glad your test went well, but please don’t put your experience into a comic. I can’t bear the thought of any of my heroes going through this. Villains, maybe…
“What amazes me is both how quickly I went out and how quickly I woke up and shook off the anesthetic once it was over”
My doctor I believe used an IV form of Ambien, so it was more like an intense sleeping pill than anything else. Before he counted to 5, I was out cold. Although some of that may have been due to my willingness to go to sleep!
But then when he woke me up, I was wide awake…no side effects like anesthesia causes.
And my doctor also made me pass gas before I could go home.
Unfortunately for my mother on the car ride home…there seemed to be a lot of gas left in my intestines from the procedure. 🙂
I had a colonoscopy about 10 years ago. I was in my early 30s, and had recently been diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease (which, fortunately, has been in remission now for many years). The treatment for Crohn’s had me taking 17 pills a day. I had been told (mistakenly) to go ahead and take my meds that morning. I had a half a glass of juice and my 5 morning pills.
When I arrived at the hospital and they asked if I had had anything to eat or drink, they were not happy when I told them yes. They decided to go ahead with the procedure, though. Initially, the doctor – fearful that I might have a reaction to the anesthesia and start vomiting in the mask- decided that we should try the procedure with no anesthesia. Not knowing what to expect, I decided it would be okay to try.
That lasted less than five minutes.
After a few minutes of having a tube shoved farther and farther up my backside, I told them to try the anesthesia. Fortunately, I went under very quickly.
I did the procedure again about a year later. That one went much better, I’m happy to say.
I’m glad they have improved the process.
Having just finished a 2-week clear-liquid only medical diet, a 24-hour one gets no sympathy! 🙂
I’m still several years away, but I don’t look forward to it, even though my grandmother was caught with the earliest stages of colon cancer (she recovered fine.) I am already determined to have my husband print “exit only” on my rump beforehand.
When my foster son was 16 and hospitalized for what eventually turned out to be a blocked intestine, they tried doing a colonoscopy on him. If you think it’s traumatizing for you, try pinning down an autistic who doesn’t understand the situation but knows dámņëd well you got no business doing what you’re trying to do. Eventually they decided gee, maybe they should knock him out first… And after all that, the colonoscopy turned up nothing (the blockage was just past the stomach).
My mother had a colonoscopy about two years ago. The hospital sedated her, but apparently not enough. She was awake enough to be aware of the procedure, but wasn’t awake enough to react. She was rather traumatized by the experience and is likely to go for a long time before getting another one.
Glad there weren’t any nasty surprises, Peter.
I just turned 45 in October, so I guess this is something I can look forward to in five years…
Bill Mulligan, I want to design a product just so I can let you name it.
As for the cartoon mascot to accompany your version of Halflytely… no way in hëll I’m posting my thoughts here. I’ll e-mail you. 🙂
My father was awake for his first colonoscopy and it almost resulted in a trip to the ER. He’s on medication for hypertension which is doing its job, but the shock of having something jammed up the bunghole combined with the medication caused his blood pressure to drop rapidly. I’m thankful to say it all turned out OK but now he insists on getting a general anesthetic for the procedure.
The above story isn’t an excuse not to get the procedure done, by the way. It’s just another reason why it’s better to be put under while someone is putting a tube up your exhaust port.
PAD: “They’re going straight to ebay.”
Dunno why, but this reminds me of Rush’s recent appearance on The Colbert Report (the band, that is, not the pundit). Colbert had the band sign his hand. After doing so, drummer Neil Peart advised him, “I don’t want to see that on eBay.”
I got over needles like THAT, and replaced in with fear of tubes.
Then what are you doing on the Series Of Tubes??! O.o You must be getting over that.
Happy to hear the disease-free news, Peter. (Sentence edited a few times to make it not-awful. I was thinking of BAD ways to phrase that.)
Don’t they have a miniturized submarine that does that nowadays?
Don’t they have a miniturized submarine that does that nowadays?
I drove my dad to and from his first colonoscopy a few years ago. He had a similar report about the preceding period.
I also had a friend who died several years ago of colon cancer, only a few weeks after being diagnosed. She was almost 33. Do take care of yourself.
Sorry about the duplicate post.
It’s possible that the microscopic organisms living in PAD’s intestines have developed into a civilization with language skills and opposable thumbs. By now they should be pre-industrial, perhaps along the line of the Smurfs.
You’re okay until the Industrial Revolution comes and they build railroads.
After seeing that white, chalky stuff in “Ghost Town” I’m glad my doctor only wanted me to use Phospo-Soda to clean out my system for my recent colonoscopy. I bought it off the shelf in Wal-Mart and mixed a couple teaspoons of it with a cup of apple juice. It was six doses over 5 hours and flushed me out like I’d inserted a hose.
Worst part of the actual procedure was discovering that my prep nurse was a former high-school classmate who I hadn’t seen in 39 years. Turns out neither of us attend class reuinions so I won’t have to hear about it later.
I still can’t drink any kind of cola because of my first colonoscopy. I had to drink this stuff called “Fleet” and when the nurse told me about it, she said to make sure I drink it mixed with something I didn’t care for. I asked her what she meant, and she said that whatever I mix it with I’ll never want to drink again. I forgot her advice, and the night before my procedure I had nothing in the house to mix it with, so I used diet Pepsi.
That crap tasted SO bad that to this day (four years later) I shudder at the idea of drinking any kind of cola.
Howie Modell wrote:
> I hadn’t realized you were that close to me in
> age (I’m 55.5)
>
> Doctors must differ. I had my 1st colonoscopy a
> few years ago and I was told I wouldn’t need
> another for 10 years.
The recommended age and frequency varie depending on your family history and your other personal health issues. Earlier and more often, all other things being equal, for someone overweight as it will be presumed there’s more fat in the diet, for example.
By the way, cash price for someone without health insurance? $1,000, according to my physician.
They don’t actually put you to sleep for the procedure … if they did, they would require an anesthesiologist to monitor you, which would up the $$$. Instead, they give you some delightful narcotics for the discomfort and some La-la juice (usually Versed, a relative of Valium) through the IV so they can listen to you sing a rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rectum” if you’re so inclined. The beauty of Versed is it robs you of your short term memory so you don’t remember the procedure, making you far more likely to volunteer for a future colonoscopy.
Those of you who were conscious and watched on the screen likely had a sigmoidoscopy, where they only go up about halfway up the colon, rather than the whole 3 feet. When I signed up for mine at 40 (got a family history of cancer), I opted to get a colonoscopy for the unconsciousness and the completeness of the exam.
When you start getting them and how often you get them is based on risk factors such as family history, presence of other bowel disease (ulcerative colitis they practically park it in your butt), smoking, etc. For a normal person they start at age 50 and check every 10 years. If they find any polyps, they recheck in 3-5 years.
They do have a camera pill you can swallow that can take pictures of every inch of your GI tract … but you still have to get cleaned out, and if it finds anything they have to schedule you for a separate colonoscopy. So what’s the point? Same with the “virtual colonoscopy”, which they do with a CT scanner … you still have to get cleaned out, they have to go in again if they find anything, plus you’re getting a nice hefty dose of radiation.
Given the few gastrointestinal doctors in my area, at one point I entertained the notion of doing sigmoidoscopies in my family practice office. Unfortunately Medicare only pays about $50 for it, which meant I would ultimately end up losing time and money on the deal. One of the bizarre things about our health care system is the price they tell a cash-paying patient is way higher than what they’d accept from an insurance company. Of course, the mark-up all across the boards is ridiculous, as anyone who’s ever gotten an itemized bill from the hospital knows. My solution to the medicare prescription drug coverage would have been to put a cap on what drugstores could charge medicare patients for generic drugs … average wholesale price plus 10%, say. Instead, the government starts paying for drugs and the pharmacies jacked up the price of generic drugs 300% in the year Medicare D came about. That’s just going to break the Medicare system that much faster.
Worst part of the actual procedure was discovering that my prep nurse was a former high-school classmate who I hadn’t seen in 39 years.
I have to admit, my biggest fear was that, just before I dropped off, the doctor would say, “By the way, I didn’tmention it until now, but…I hated your run on She-Hulk.”
PAD
Intesti-Clean. TumorFlush. Corn-B-Gone. PolypPolish.
Intestinal 4-T-Tude; Mr. Stream; Craptacular; Sit-and-Spin.
PAD
Intestinal 4-T-Tude
Now THAT would make you groan even before you take it! I like PolypPolish too. Nice and friendly. For thwe TV ads, a cute little cartoon of a smiling guy walking down the street with his bûŧŧhølë whistling Zippity Doo Dah. “Clean as a whistle!” spokeswoman Bea Arthur chirps.
The beauty of Versed is it robs you of your short term memory
I remember an episode of Boston Legal (I think) where a case revolved around a girl who wanted to take a drug that would make her forget a traumatic experience. I assume Versed only works on memories accumulated during the time it is used but it’s an interesting premise–do something or witness something that’s really awful and you pop a pill and voila! The memory is gone.
All kinds of potential for abuse, of course, but that’s technology for you. You gotta have the wisdom to use it wisely and there is no pill on the horizon for that.
it’s an interesting premise–do something or witness something that’s really awful and you pop a pill and voila! The memory is gone.
That’s pretty much the premise of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
“Intestinal 4-T-Tude; Mr. Stream; Craptacular; Sit-and-Spin.”
Splurge-N-Purge; Down and Out; Diarrhea in a Drum; I Can’t Believe It’s Not Food Poisoning.
I only hope I’ll be able to keep my sense of humor about this when it’s my turn for this procedure. 😮