You have to love Stephn Colbert’s interview with Congressman Lynn Westmoreland, who is sponsoring a bill that would require the ten commandments in government buildings and court houses. When Colbert asked him the leading question as to whether there was ANYplace more appropriate to see the ten commandments, Westmoreland couldn’t think of any (like, oh, say…churches.) And when Colbert asked Westmoreland to name all ten, Westmoreland wasn’t able to come up with more than three. Maybe that’s why he thinks they should be posted in more places: So he can learn them.
PAD
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The ultimate example of a religious panderer. What you want to bet he’s probably broken every rule he doesn’t remember?
1Alas, that’s far too common. Lots of people (on both sides of the aisle, though more commonly on the right) do a lot of talking without thinking.
But it was great piece!
Okay, I’m going to give it a shot cold. Let’s see how well the Catholic High School holds up after 20+ years 🙂
In no particular order:
I am the Lord your God – though shalt have no other God before me.
Honor thy father and mother
Thou shalt not:
steal,
kill,
bear false witness,
covet neighbors possessions,
covet neighbors wife,
commit adultery
What am I missing?
Keep holy the Sabbath and No false idols
Now can anoyone list the other 100+ that went along with the remaining 10?
Wait an hour after eating before you go swimming
It’s okay to eat chicken with your fingers
When you’re using a Q-Tip, only go on the outside; don’t poke it into the canal
Peter:
Do me a big favor and call Marvel comics and ask them if you can do a draft of the HULK part 2 movie script.
Your a great writer, and you know the Hulk better then anyone, this could be your big chance to get a writing credit on a big budget movie. If you do this you rake in crazy money on other hollywood projects.
Even if you have not written scripts before, don’t worry about it, big movies like the Hulk always have more than one draft anyway.
What do you have to lose?
Whats the worst they can say? No?
big deal
Just ask them.
You will not regrett it. Plus it will make it 10X easier when you write the novel version.
Shoot I will give you Avi Arads home phone number if your willing to ask him.
Here’s a list of the 10 commandments from Exodus 20 & the second set of 10 commandments from Exodus 34:
http://www.positiveatheism.org/crt/whichcom.htm
Scroll down about 2/3 of the page.
And when Colbert asked Westmoreland to name all ten, Westmoreland wasn’t able to come up with more than three.
Creative editing – he came up with more. Not all ten, but apparently six or seven. Which is still funny, but not AS funny.
Each of those interviews goes somewhere near 2 hrs (they get something like 20 for The Daily Show correspondant reports), and is edited into the funny we get to see.
Now can anoyone list the other 100+ that went along with the remaining 10?
Actually, there are 602 other commandments in the Torah (Five Books of Moses, for those unfamiliar).
I just cant stand watching colbert do his shtick for too long. Almost as painful as Dennis Miller. Although Colbert is a bit more topical.
You mean that wasn’t a fake (part edited out aside)? I tripped over it a week or two ago and showed it to some friends and we figured it must be one of those Internet jokes. This guy makes Dalton McGuinty (Ontario Premier, roughly equivalent to state governor, and unfortunately my riding representative) seem intelligent in comparison and we didn’t think that was possible.
You know, I think Coungressman Les Whinen ought do More Thinkin’ and Less Whinnin’!
…yes, I know that “Coungressman Les Whinen” doesn’t even remotely sound like “Congressman Lynn Westmoreland”. But, please, let me have my obscure Simpson reference.
By the way, and it’s a common mistake, but the actual commandment is not “Thou shalt not kill”, but “Thou shalt not murder”.
Ah yes, I still remember sunday school lessons…..
You think he’s related to William Westmoreland?
Truly, if you’re going to require something in every government building, it should be highly memorable *and* applicable; like…
“…fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.”
“The Force will be with you. Always.”
“Yippie-ki-aye, .”
…or, my personal pick…
“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
Heh; my own self-censoring worked wonders… 🙂 Make it…
“Yippie-ki-aye, [censored].”
11. Never eat at a place called “Mom’s”
12. Never play cards with a man whose name is a city.
13. Never lie down with a woman who has more problems than you do.
The fun part is hearing these guys constantly whinge on about needing the Ten Commandments plastered on every corner is that US law only relates to like 2.4 of them, and most every politician lies to get elected in the first place.
Oh, and the adultery stuff? That only matters when a Dem is involved.
Whoa, whoa… there’s no commandment against lying: Bearing false witness (#9) is a VERY specific case of lying, and really awful. That is a crime in the US, it’s called Perjury.
So let’s go through the other 9, and their legal status:
1) I am the Lord your God – forbidden by the first amendment (although there’s some argument that the first amendment was designed just to forbid a state-sponsored church, and nothing else)
2) No false idols – y’mean like Coca-Cola, Mickey Mouse, Golden Arches. Not a law.
3) Don’t take the name of the lord in vain – not one of the seven words you can’t use on television involves god. Not a law.
4) Remember the sabbath – only in a few communities, not federal law. In Illinois, you can’t shop for cars on a Sunday (which is not the original Sabbath, either, mind you)
5) Honor thy father and mother – Hardly a law, barely even a commandment.
6) Thou shalt not murder – Law #2. Not kill, but murder. Nice distinction.
7) … commit adultery – Nope, no sir, not a federal law… again a few communities, and very hard to enforce, mind you. Also note, not a ban on fornication, only interfering with a marriage vow.
8) …steal – Law #3
9) …bear false witness – Law #4
10) …covet neighbors house, wife, slave, ox or ášš — Nothing against the law to covet, it’s the American Way. Who here doesn’t covet Angelina Jolie? That nice house across the way? Slavery’s out, but that hunk of Kobe filet sure looks good 😉
11. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
12. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
13. Never go on a comedy show where they can edit you into looking like an idiot.
14. Especially when you are already not too bright, making said editting quite easy.
15. Thou shalt not pull on Superman’s cape.
16. Thou that smelt it, dealt it.
17. If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding.
18. Clean thy plate lest the children starve in China
19. Thou may vote for Nader, but know thy vote is cat upon the wind never to be seen or heard again.
20. Thou shall not let Joel Schumacher near a superhero franchise lest you be condemed to the lake of fire
21. The above bears repeating!!!!
19 should read
19. Thou may vote for Nader, but know thy vote is cast upon the wind never to be seen or heard again.
The stone tablet was cracked and difficult to translate
JAC
22. When all else fails, play dead.
23. Know your role and shut your mouth.
24. Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
25. Always have your towel handy.
These are great, the commandments a la the Robocop 2 directive list. Peter should consolidate them all into another post later. (Like how I volunteered you for secretarial duty, PD?)
Whoa, whoa… there’s no commandment against lying: Bearing false witness (#9) is a VERY specific case of lying, and really awful. That is a crime in the US, it’s called Perjury.
When you consider that there were no courts or much in the way of laws when the Commandments were handed down (as far as I know), it’s very much been left to interpretation. Some groups interpret it far more literally than others; some say it’s only to do with courts, some say you shouldn’t lie at all.
So, I’d say that US law has no basis in the Ten Commandments with this one.
I was going to say Number 26: No pooftahs! But then it occurred to me that there are enough fundamentalists who actually believe that should be a genuine commandment, so…
PAD
was going to say Number 26:
It would probably have to be 26 through 35, just for emphasis.
I think the whole numbering of the extra commandments is off. The 11th, according to Heinlein and other sources, is “Don’t get caught”.
Not that I disagree with the others, just that that’s the only one I’ve ever heard people refer to by number with the full expectation that people will know what it is.
Just as an FYI, the “No Adultery” thing is illegal in the military. It’s against one of the articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
I’m just sayin, is all…
I was going to say Number 26: No pooftahs! But then it occurred to me that there are enough fundamentalists who actually believe that should be a genuine commandment, so…
26. There is no commandment 26.
27. In the trees, as you please; on the ground, not a sound.
// By the way, and it’s a common mistake, but the actual commandment is not “Thou shalt not kill”, but “Thou shalt not murder”.
Ah yes, I still remember sunday school lessons….. //
Depends which interpretation you read. It should be noted that at one point the Catholic Church officially changed the text to read “murder”, to specifically excuse those fighting in a war or those who kill in self defence.
// Truly, if you’re going to require something in every government building, it should be highly memorable *and* applicable; like…
“…fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.”
“The Force will be with you. Always.”
“Yippie-ki-aye, .”
…or, my personal pick…
“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
//
A few years ago there was a story about a official, (can’t remember the state), who had “With Great Power Comes Great Responciblity” put on wall of his building.
A few years ago there was a story about a official, (can’t remember the state), who had “With Great Power Comes Great Responciblity” put on wall of his building.
I’m nigh-certain you’re thinking of Rhode Island Attorney General Patrick Lynch, who took office in 2004 and added a plaque with this phrase to his office. The story’s online at http://www.projo.com/words/2004/20040617_st.htm (and contains a somewhat amusing anecdote of how he went about getting permission to use the quote.)
28. You do not talk about Fight Club.
29. You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.
30. Someone yells Stop!, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.
31. Only two guys to a fight.
32. One fight at a time, fellas.
33. No shirt, no shoes.
34. Fights will go on as long as they have to.
35. If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.
10) …covet neighbors house, wife, slave, ox or ášš — Nothing against the law to covet, it’s the American Way. Who here doesn’t covet Angelina Jolie?
I’ve especially coveted Angelina Jolie’s ášš.
😉
36. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
37. Spit Rule: You must tap only the bottom of the beer bottles when toasting with them.
38. It’s not a real sport if there are ******* dots on the ball.
39. You’re not a real country if you don’t have a flag.
40. Never tick off the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells.
Fun with creative editing!
Kelly said—“Creative editing – he came up with more. Not all ten,…”
Could be transformed, without changing the order of any words, into—“Creative editing – he came up with…all ten,…”
But I wouldn’t think of doing that. 😉
Jeff Coney said: “19. Thou may vote for Nader, but know thy vote is cast upon the wind never to be seen or heard again.”
Maybe that should read: “19. Thou may vote for Nader, but know thy vote is cast upon the wind and it shall taste most foul when it returns.”
41. Not to eat meat, that is the law. Are we not men?
42. Not to go on all fours, that is the law. Are we not men?
43. Not to spill blood, that is the law. Are we not men?
44. Never read from an ancient book of Sumerian Demon Summoning, for it is foolish and shalt lead to much grief.
45. Even though the monster doth appear dead it is unwise to checketh to make sure it is so.
46. Smite a zombie upon the head. Do not smite him about the shoulder or chest for this is wasteful and will stop him not.
47 What God hath put together let not be torn assunder; do not split up for it only maketh it easier to die one by one.
48. Dwell not in a grave, nor a mausolium, nor an ancient buriel ground. Art thou stupid?
49. Heed not the words of toothless gas station attendants for they will lead thou and thine kin away from the path of holy righteousness and into the arms of inbred hillbilly cannibals.
50. Standeth not too close to those who make merry in times of strife for they usually biteth it quickly.
51. That goes double if they be Nubians.
52. Be kind to the meek for they may have psychic powers. Bathe them not in the blood of pigs, nor of cows, nor of any cloven hoofed animal, for the Lord doth not find it funny.
53. Messeth not with mother nature; increase not the sizes of scorpions or spiders or grasshoppers or crabs or rats or any other creeping thing for it is brainless and a wonder that it received grant money in the first place.
Don’t know why these didn’t post before, or why nobody else put these up yet (for shame). I present to you (assuming they go up this time) the revised, sensible, Two Commandments, courtesy of George Carlin:
Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.
&
Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.
-Rex Hondo-
56. Look not a gift horse in the mouth.
57. If thou beith in a glass house, throw not the stones.
54/ Thou shalt not mess in the affairs of dragons for thee art crunchy and good with ketchup.
55. Always get Leonardo Acropolis to paint the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells in an emergency after much strong alcohol.
56. If at first you don’t succeed, hire a media consultant to convice everyone that not only did you never try, but it was all a put-on by the opposition.
57. Thou shalt not question the driver as to the choice of music in the vehicle, for it is sacrosanct and leaves you subject to ejection at high speed a la that guy in Goldfinger.
58.Thou shalt not emulate X-ray, lest ye be subject to disemvoweling.
59. When returning from the captivity of a German master of disguise, always kill the nurse in the cow costume for everyone knows that Nursie is less interested in looking like a cow and more interested in proving that she is a disturbed woman with an udder fixation.
And this is an easy one, but not many people follow it–(y’know, like they follow ALL the others…)
60. Never pay more attention to the person on your phone or the voice on your radio than the road while driving, commandment 57 notwithstanding.
Depends which interpretation you read. It should be noted that at one point the Catholic Church officially changed the text to read “murder”, to specifically excuse those fighting in a war or those who kill in self defence.
Just for the record, the Jewish books of the Law were written in Hebrew long before there ever was a Catholic church. So it is irrelevant what the Catholic church says. You must go back to the original Hebrew and look up how the word was used and what it meant in the context of the time.
Sorry, the rant is over.
Regarding the suggested law, it is rather idiotic. And pointless. Putting them on the wall is not going to change a heart which is the only real way to change behavior. While their being posted should not be as scary as some make it out to be, this type of law is pure lunacy.
Iowa Jim
61. Don’t cross the streams
62. Don’t look at the trap
63. Never Tell me the Odds
64. Never Count Your Money When it’s sitting at the Table
65. Affleck is the bomb in Phantoms
Regarding the original Hebrew of the 6th commandment…there isn’t complete agreement on whether it was kill or murder. However, the word is the same for both the crime and the punishment so your two basic choices are:
He who kills shall be killed.
or
He who murders shall be murdered.
(The latter possibly meaning that G-d gives society the right to take a life for a life…but he doesn’t completely remove the guilt from those who carry out the punishment.)
By the way…there aren’t 602 other commandments. There are 603 other commandments. Nitpicky, but the total is 613. here’s a complete list
Of course, even so called ‘experts’ often get things wrong. An article appeared on Beliefnet several years ago The author, a senior editor of the New Republic, talks about the 6 commandments Jesus supported, and the 4 he left out. Unfortunately, nowhere in the article will you find a reference to “thou shalt not covet…” This is due to one of Jesus’ six being “love thy neighbor as thyself’. One of the 613, but not one of the 10, so when you combine Jesus’ commandments, and Moses’ Top Ten, you get 11. (Otherwise, it’s an interesting article.)
66. When it doubt, blow it up.