Went into Manhattan to run some errands. Picked up some Muppet figures for Kathleen. Also picked up an antique that Harlan purchased which I’ll be shipping out to him shortly (yes, the dealer could have shipped it, but it’s complicated, so forget it.)
Riding the subway between destinations, I spotted an attractive young woman, preparing to get off the train. As a mental exercise, I tried to figure out what her deal was, particularly since she was a stark contrast to everyone else in the train. Perfect hair, perfect make-up. Black leather boots with stiletto heels, black leather skirt coming down to just above the knee, a pink bustier, a black knit kind of sweater thing with a fake fur collar, and a short black wool coat. And I’m thinking, “Okay…high priced call girl, model, or actress.” Then I spotted her large purse. It was clear plastic, all contents on display. So I figured, okay, this bag cries out “Look at me,” so I settled on either model or actress. Then I spotted a Samuel French play edition in the bag, along with several sheets of white paper tucked in. Actress on her way to…a class? A rehearsal? Way too dressed up for someone who’s already got the job. Plus she also had a pair of sneakers buried in the bag. She was on her way to one place where she was trying to look dressy and then was going to dress down afterward.
Answer seemed obvious.
Basically, all this went through my head in about five seconds. And as the doors opened and she started to walk past me, I said, “Good luck with your audition.” “Thank you!” she replied automatically. And then she did a double take as she stepped off the train, her face a question mark. At which point the doors closed.
I like messing with people. It’s also a good writing exercise. Observing people, seeing how much you can discern from their outward appearance. Helpful for doing character descriptions in your own writing.
Elementary.
PAD
• 
Hah! That’s a great exercise. I remember I tried to do it in high school, but I wasn’t quite up to the task in those days. The good luck wish was a nice touch.
Now I wonder if this aspiring actress will show up in one of your future issues.
The just recently released On The Road With Ellison v2 CD (www.deepshag.com I also strongly recommend The Frantics’ Frantic Times from the same site) has a long bit from a Harlan talk in the early 80s where he recounts doing a similar Sherlock Holmes deduction of two people in a restaurant, amazing his co-diners. He mentions much the same thing about writers observing others.
I’ve tried that same trick of discerning something about a person by their outward appearance myself, from time to time, though it’s been a while since I last did that exercise. I also don’t take public transportation, so it’s rare when I’m in a situation where either they or I would be briefly passing through the scene, leaving the other person to puzzle over how I knew something about them.
Your post reminds, me however, of your BID article from a few years ago, when you spotted an almost incognito Michael Jackson at Disney World (Land?) and called out to him, just as he was passing by.
That was amusing.
So, ever reach a deduction about someone that was completely off the mark, or have you pretty much been accurate?
Rick
That’s a pretty good trick, PAD. I should do that more often…I usually have my nose in a book on the subway.
Of course, it’s been a while since I’ve been on the nice comfortable New York subways.
That’s a pretty good trick, PAD. I should do that more often…I usually have my nose in a book on the subway.
Of course, it’s been a while since I’ve been on the nice comfortable New York subways.
We do it all the time to the characters in our favorite TV shows and books, so hey, why not to the people we come accross during the day?
You know, I’ve tried that before and every time I do I FAIL MISERABLY. I guess I just need to study people more or something.
Sorry, Mr. D. You missed the most important observation.
It’s a MAN, baby!
WOW! That is fantastic! I’m gonna start doing that!
PAD=Geniuz
Back when I had a ponytail, I had people on one or two occassions guess that I was an artist, IIRC, based on that feature. I’m not sure, though, if there were other aspects of my appearance that made it obvious as well.
The weirdest most moment came when I was in the local supermarket, and someone came up to me and said, “You’re an artist, right?” I can’t recall if I still had the ponytail or not I (I cut it off in September of last year), but I freaked out, saying something to the effect of “Jesus, how did you know that???!!!” I freaked because I thought this woman was a psychic, or something (I’m a skeptic, min you). She responded, “I saw you at the annual Multi Arts Festival doing those portraits and cartoons for kids.”
“Oh.”
Silly me. I thought it was funny.
That’s the coolest stinkin’ thing I’ve read all week.
Great story Peter, but since you don’t read my posts you’ll never know I said that. :0)
I’ve been in a situation where I was pegged as a liberal before by someone just observing me, which of course led me to vehemently deny the other person’s observation.
Which leads me to the point, not all initial observations are correct.
:0)
You’d do Conan Edogawa proud.
Yes I just referenced Case Closed. Sue me.
Very cool. It’ll be really neat if you wind up running into her again and find out how it went!
Of course, if you’d been in a Super Shuttle in L.A. you’d have a 50-50 shot of being right whenever you wished someone a good audition. Every single shuttle we took, the first question was basically “actor, or musician?” 🙂
TWL
Tim:
Reminds me of Spalding Gray’s film “Monster In A Box.” Gray, if you’ve not seen it, discusses how he was in LA working on a new TV show called “LA: The Other,” which was to be about the side of LA not involved in acting/entertainment.
Only problem is, they couldn’t find any. Every single supermarket clerk had a screenplay he was hoping to sell. The waiters and waitresses were, of course, all actors and actresses waiting for a big break. Etc etc.
Tim:
Reminds me of Spalding Gray’s film “Monster In A Box.” Gray, if you’ve not seen it, discusses how he was in LA working on a new TV show called “LA: The Other,” which was to be about the side of LA not involved in acting/entertainment.
Only problem is, they couldn’t find any. Every single supermarket clerk had a screenplay he was hoping to sell. The waiters and waitresses were, of course, all actors and actresses waiting for a big break. Etc etc.
Neat story. Wife caught you lookin at the hot chick on the train, huh?
Kidding.
Will – you made me sad. No more Spalding Grey performances to look forward to.
Totally off topic but check out http://www.scalzi.com/whatever/003030.html
The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time.
Good, funny stuff. he really nails the long lost Star Trek Christmas episode “A Most Illogical Holiday” (1968) “…Rumor suggests Harlan Ellison may have written the original script; asked about the episode at 1978’s IgunaCon II science fiction convention, however, Ellison described the episode as “a quiescently glistening cherem of pus.”
That is a neat trick. I should try it more often. Usually, if I’m looking at a cute girl on the subway, I’m thinking, “Would this person ever want to date me?”
Great, now Tom has me dropping money on Harlan Ellison CDs. ‘Tis the season for Christmas gifts to one’s self, I figure. You can’t trust the family to get the appropriate hints sometimes…
Good thing she didnt turn out to be an escort…reminds me of the “Seinfeld” ep where George meets a girl on a train, skips a job interview and goes to a hotel with her and is promptly ripped off…she steals his clothes because he didn’t have any $$.
Glad this didn’t happen to you, PAD 🙂
That poor girl’s probably still wondering how you knew where she was going.
I have tried this in the past as well.
I am a pediatricia. One day while working in a clinic, I noted when examining a baby that the baby’s right cheek was warmer than the left. I deduced that the mother must cradle the baby with her left arm, such that the baby’s right cheek is against her chest and thus warmer.
So I said to her, out of the blue ‘Do you always carry the baby in your left arm?’
She looked at me horrified (remember, it was a clinic so she had never met me before), and asked me if I had been stalking her. Since then I keep my observations to myself.
You’re a detective like Batman, PAD!!
🙂
Thanks for sharing!
Oh, and in case I don’t get the chance later, have a very happy Hunakkah!! (Never sure if I’m spelling that word right…)
Matthew Hawes
COMICS UNLIMITED
654-B E. Diamond Avenue
Evansville, IN. 47711
Use to do something similar when I had my Father helping me at conventions. When there were several people in front of my tables, I would point to each one & say “yes” or “no” (meaning if they would buy anything), and was very rarely wrong. Used to blow his mind.
Of course, I had been selling at cons for over 12 years, so it was more experience than talent.
There was a Sherlock Holmes movie, I believe the one with Vincent D’Onofrio, where Holmes and Mycroft sat in a cafe and deduced the professions and tasks of the people walking by; Mycroft figured out more details.
And following up on the Spalding Gray comment above, he said in California everyone wants to be in show biz, so you can ask the checkout boy at the grocery store “How’s your screenplay coming?” and he’ll respond, surprised, “How did you know?” That’s *really* elementary.
PAD,
I am impressed. While I like to consider myself observant, my wife would testify I miss a lot of things.
It does get funny when we are watching TV. We were watching last Wednesday’s Smallville. Within the first few seconds (literally, within the first 30 seconds), she nailed what was going on. She doesn’t get sci fi or why I like Smallville, but she gets people and when they are “in” and “out” of character quite well.
Jim in Iowa
Don’t break you hand patting yourself on the back, Pete. 🙂 The play with the notes was a giveaway.
If you see a man in jeans, a t-shirt and a goatee on the train, how much does that give you?
I mean, if I see a woman dressed up as a nun, I could discern that she’s… a nun. Or if I see a fat cop I could discern that he’s a cop… But not one of those fit cops.
🙂
Yes you’re very clever and there’s no doubt it makes a wonderful writing exercise, but your delight in freaking her out — and your statement at the end about how you like messing with people — doesn’t sit well with me. Why would anybody go out of their way — and then revel in the opportunity — to make a total stranger feel uncomfortable?
You couldn’t have just asked her if she was going to an audition?
Peter
were you at midtown comics yesterday i thought it was you but wasnt sure. I went for Fallen Angel but it was sold out so i had to go to midtowns second store on lexington were they had it great book by the way i hope it continues for a long long time.
isaac
Donald,
I don’t think that particular “messing with people” is really quite as sinister as you’re making it out to be. Remember, all he really said to her was “good luck with the audition” — sincere well-wishes (I assume) and certainly nothing creepy.
I see what you’re getting at, but I imagine that the woman in question probably forgot about the incident five minutes later, and was probably more perplexed than upset during the first five minutes.
Of course, I’m a teacher, which I’m sure makes me a borderline sadist in some people’s eyes anyway. 🙂
TWL
I know I would have been rattled and upset if I had been in that woman’s place. I don’t think men realize how it is for a young woman alone. We have to be fearful and alert in situations that men would consider completely benign (like the one Peter described). Now that woman has to wonder if she is being stalked by a creep or if her privacy has been violated.
I believe that Peter would never try to purposely hurt someone, but it is really cruel to rob a woman of her peace of mind simply for personal amusement. She needed to feel calm and secure–especially if she was going on an important audition.
It
I know plenty of New York actresses.
Trust me, none of them would have even noticed the conversation once it was over.
Really, people.
wouldn’t it be funny if she wasn’t an audition but she was in fact a high priced call girl going off for an audition for sex? Huh? Get it?!
…
dammit, I got NOTHING to work with here, people.
wouldn’t it be funny if she wasn’t going to an acting audition, I meant. Methinks I killed a little too many braincells last night…
Holy freakin’ kolker! Totally off-topic but the “Starpoint Academy” site just opened up. ITs exactly a teaser description of what it is and a sign up sheet. But, dang, that teaser description got me, uh, well, I liked it.
Anyway, point ye browsers over here!
http://www.starpointacademy.net/
Boy, I’d stump you silly.
i can’t wait to read about kathleen’s lustful event at the park just after her grocery shopping, it’s her turn now, right? only fair.
Very nicely done, Monsieur Dupin. 🙂
And while everyone does well, yes, to remember that some women can perceive even public spaces very differently than some men–with regrettably good reason–I really don’t think what PAD described her comes anywhere *close* to the line of creepy discomfort: crowded public space, the speaker is *leaving the scene* as he addresses the woman, the comment is kind and genial, etc. In all likelihood, she’s merely got a great story to tell–“This weird guy totally scoped me out on the subway and figured I was going on audition–he wished me luck!” Then she and her friends will reverse the game and perhaps figure out he was a writer running errands and exercising his brain….:-)
Who knows? Someday during her Oscar acceptance speech she may well than “the guy on the subway who wished me good luck on my way to the audition that really opened up my career….”
I can say without guile or sarcasm that this story is one of the coolest things I’ve ever read.
I don’t this sort of “messing with someone” is cruel or, for the talented, unusual. He noticed something about someone, and made a slight comment to them about it. There was nothing menacing or mean about it.
For the “worst” thing PAD’s ever done to a fan, check out the documentary SEX, LIES AND SUPERHEROES during the credits, where Mr. David recounts this humorous tale of messing with someone. (I’d tell it here, but I leave it up to PAD himself to decide if it should be posted here; or if he wants to tell the tale himself!)
Heh!
Reminds me of something similar but different I did to a friend of mine at I-Con 2 years ago. I’m a big advocate of being aware of one’s surroundings at all times, such as making mental notes about little details of the area I’m in because you never know which bit of information will be useful.
(Granted, I also keep an eye on any nearby reflective surface because my friends have this sadistic habit of trying to sneak up on me. Ironically, me constantly foling their plans just encourages them to try harder, but I digress..)
We had gotten lunch at the gawdaful student union cafeteria and sat on one of the low walls to eat. When finished, while my buddy looked around for a garbage can I walked over to a five-foot high wall, reached over, and dropped my garbage on the other side. Stunned, he runs around the wall and sees that I had placed my trash in a garbage can on the other side.
“How the heck did you know that was there?” he cried. I just said “I noticed it there when we left the building earlier. Didn’t you?”
Yeah, I know. It’s that kind of smart-assery that makes you want to beat your friends until they see the secret mystery colors. Trust me, he did.
PAD, remind me never to play poker against you.
If you can read people that well, you could have a very lucrative second career…
Absolutely amazing, Peter. I don’t think I would be perceptive enough to do something like that.
And I am a psychologist.
I feel utterly incompetent now, Peter. Thanks a much 🙂
Tim says:
“Of course, I’m a teacher, which I’m sure makes me a borderline sadist in some people’s eyes anyway. :-)”
Ok then, try this: I got this idea from The Amazing Randi. All you need is one student who is willing to work with you to totally mess with his friends heads. yeah, I know, that part is easy.
So you tell them that you are going to show the scientific method to test psychic ability. It works best if you present yourself as a slightly smart alecky sceptic. You arrange 6 different objects on a table and you hold a clipboard. You announce that you, the teacher, will concentrate very very hard on one of the objects and the students must try to read your mind. After a few seconds of furrowing your brow in a comical imitation of deep thought you announce ask for a show of hands over each object. When your student lackey raises his hand you announce that yes, that is the one you picked. All the students who picked that one go outside the room.
Now you and the remaining class pick another object and, after calling everyone back in, you have the class concentrate on that object. You point to each object and sure enough, at least one student (your stooge) gets the correct guess.
Now at this point you go into statistical analysis to show that this has so far been No Big Deal. After all, the odds of getting 2 in a row right are only 1/6 x 1/6 or 1/36. Well within reason. You send however many remaining correct guesser are left out side, do it again and he gets it right.
By now there is much muttering. You are slightly put off but even though he has beaten some major odds here it’s still hardly proof of anything. Hopefully by now some students are offering suggestions on how to improve this experiment, if not you should nudge them along in that direction. Accuse him of using someone in the room to send him signals. Send someone outside with him to make sure he doesn’t cheat (Usually the largest, meanest looking football player will volunteer for this task. He gets it right again.
You are getting pìššëd and flustered but you are trying to hide it (of course, no you’re not). If it hasn’t been suggested yet, have him stay in the room with his back to you as you silently direct everyone to think about an object. he gets it right.
By now chaos is beginning to descend. Suggestions are flying around, including the possibility of burning him at the stake. Send him out again, under guard and tell half the class to concentrate on one object, half on another. When he comes in he seems to be having trouble and confesses that he can’t decide between two of the objects…the two you had picked.
People are freaking. You let other people pick the object. He gets it.
Finally you, now in a state of utter disbelief that your great lesson plan on pseudoscience has just dashed all of your beliefs onto the floor order the kid out and tell everyone to concentrate on whatever the hëll object they want. He comes in and after a moment or two of confusion says that he can’t get a reading–it’s all jumbled and confused.
At this point the aforementioned big footbal player said in a very very quiet voice “Dude, if this is some kind of trick you’d better tell me now ’cause I’m getting really freaked out.”
And it’s confession time. The trick is that you are sending signals to the student “mindreader” using your clipboard. You hold the clipboard so that a hand is over the position of the chosen object. If they pick the left middle object you hold the clipboard so that your left hand is gripping it by the middle. When they picked 2 objects you just used both hands. You also have some preapproved signal for the big finale, like having both arms crossed over the clipboard.
It’s a GREAT excercise! It illustrates 3 major points: it doesn’t take very much to make people believe in unlikely things; it is very difficult to design an experiment that eliiminates all variables; and lastly, I really love teaching.
Sorry, John Popa, I am a New York actress, and I would’ve been freaked out. I might have forgotten it by the next day, but I still would be rattled.
Not because he said something. If I knew that PD had only looked at me on the train, and had deduced it just from how I looked, I would’ve been fine with that. Actually, I would’ve said, “Ooh, that’s cool, teach me!” But I guarantee you her first thought was “How does he know that?” and her second thought was “He must have been following me!” That is what would creep me out.
And yes, it’s her faulty logic, but the truth is, if you’re a young, attractive woman in New York, it’s much more likely that you’d be followed than it is that you’d run into someone with Amazing Super-Cool Deduction Skillz.
I think I saw a variation of that on Monk when his father-in-law was having trouble with his game show.
Eric,
You are correct sir. there are a number of easy to do things of this type–pick up any Penn & Teller or Randi book. The sad thing is that there are plenty of people making money by using these easy techniques to bilk the unwary. at least I know I will be able to make a good living should I ever lose all sense of ethics and decency.
You have been to Afghanistan, I perceive….
My attempts to do this sort of thing have almost always led me to Watsonian rather than Holmesian conclusions, so it’s pleasing to read that somebody can get it right in real life.
I agree with New Yorker. That is a pretty creepy thing to say to a female stranger. I’m sure she thought Peter was stalking her.
Nice, Pete, really nice.