You have to love Stephn Colbert’s interview with Congressman Lynn Westmoreland, who is sponsoring a bill that would require the ten commandments in government buildings and court houses. When Colbert asked him the leading question as to whether there was ANYplace more appropriate to see the ten commandments, Westmoreland couldn’t think of any (like, oh, say…churches.) And when Colbert asked Westmoreland to name all ten, Westmoreland wasn’t able to come up with more than three. Maybe that’s why he thinks they should be posted in more places: So he can learn them.
PAD
• 
Actually, I believe that when one goes back to the original texts, a more accurate translation of Commandment 66 is:
When in doubt, nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
15. Thou shalt not pull on Superman’s cape.
And let us not forget:
Thou shalt not spit into the wind.
Thou shalt not pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger.
Thou shalt certainly not mess around with Jim.
-Rex Hondo-
67. Let us do right to all, and wrong no man.
68. Remember, no matter where you go – there you are.
69. The possiblity of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.
70. Push the button every 108 minutes.
71. The surgeon general warns that smoking can cause lung cancer, emphysema, heart attack, and stroke …and, you know, they’re not bad after unprotected sex with multiple partners, either.
72. Snakes: Nature’s Quitters.
73. A wizard did it.
74. Oh gosh, that’s funny! That’s really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. “You are the weakest link, goodbye.” You know, I’ve, I’ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You’re the first. I’ve never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that’s what she says on the show right? Isn’t it? “You are the weakest link, goodbye!” And, and yet you’ve taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That’s so fresh too. Any, any “Titanic” jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we’re hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity, hmm? God you’re so funny!
Here is a link to a site listing the religions of Comic book characters.
http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/comic_book_religion.html
75. Work yourself into a lather. Rinse. Repeat.
76. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
77. Never say, “I’ll be right back.” Because you won’t.
78. Never have sex. Because then you’re dead.
79. Never expose them to sunlight.
80. Never get them wet.
81. Never feed them after midnight.
82. He who has the gold makes the rules.
83. Never talk about Fight Club.
84. (related to #69) Never tell me the odds.
85. KAAAAHHHHNNN!
86. kaaaahhhhnnn!
87. It’s people! Soylent Green is made out of people!
88. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Ironically, Lego-Rome was built in about 20 hours.
89. Never tell Zinedine Zidane a “yo momma” joke.
90. Jack Bauer is the number one cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
91. Vulcans don’t lie, they exaggerate.
92. Its not HBO. Its just regular-ášš TV.
93. It was his sled. I just saved you two bøøblëšš hours.
In NY Courts, it says:
IN GOD WE TRUST
in big letters behind the Judge.
At any rate, the fact that they aren’t laws has nothing to do with whether they should be hung up there. Courts do more than just enforce written laws-there is common law, there is equity, etc. So lying may not be against the law (although perjury is) but if caught, it won’t be good for you, or your side, in court-. all courts aren’t criminal. If you coveted your neighbor’s wife, or his ášš, or your neighbor’s wife’s ášš, it could look bad for you as a witness or litigant.
There are also lots of rules in court which aren’t laws-like, take your hat off in court, don’t let your cell phone ring or you may get kicked out, and try not to snore if you sleep.
So, Spiderrob8, then why SHOULD they be put up there?
94. Giveth Cerebus all your gold coins.
1Posted by carolinablueelf at July 13, 2006 02:27 PM
So, Spiderrob8, then why SHOULD they be put up there?
***
I don’t think they should. I was just doing a stream of consciousness thing with a few jokes, that’s all. I hadn’t even heard of this.
(I also think, though i have a different view of the Establishment clause than many, and don’t believe it requires a strict separation of church and state, that this violates the establishment clause. It almost assuredly would be struck down. It is one thing to have some artwork, even including the 10 commandments, as part of the court design, and another to require this kind of posting. It both in fact establishes religion and has the intent to do so, not well someone may infer the government is endorsing this religion, that it its plain purpose and certainly result, so no good).
“Courthouses would be free to display the Ten Commandments under a bill to be introduced by Georgia House Republicans.
The bill would allow Ten Commandments displays as long as they are portrayed as historical, not religious, documents. The state attorney general would have to defend any legal challenge to the displays, saving local governments from expensive battles over their constitutionality.”
http://www.11alive.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=43064
Article is from 2004 so it may have changed but
Hmmm. This is a little different than advertised.
Allow, not require, and historical documents, not religious settings.
I did find one bill that would require the 10 commandments in the Capitol, and one that said basically “the display of ten commandments in public buildings is not an establishment of religion.”
Here are the bills
1. Resolved, That if the Supreme Court of the United States holds in either the case of Van Orden v. Perry, 03-1500 (TX) or the case of McCreary County v. ACLU, 03-1693 (KY) that the display of the Ten Commandments in public places by State and local governments constitutes a violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment to the Constitution of the United States, thereby ruling against religious freedom and diminishing the importance of the Ten Commandments to the United States, the Speaker of the House of Representatives shall provide for the display of the Ten Commandments in the chamber of the House of Representatives.
(c0-sponsored by Westmoreland)
2. Resolved by the House of Representatives (the Senate concurring), That Congress–
(1) recognizes that the Ten Commandments are a declaration of the fundamental principles that are the cornerstone of a fair and just society; and
(2) directs that a copy of the Ten Commandments be prominently displayed in the United States Capitol at such place and in such manner as the Architect of the Capitol shall designate.
(not by Westmoreland as far as I can see)
3. Resolved by the House of Representatives (the Senate concurring), That it is the sense of the Congress that the display of the Ten Commandments in public buildings does not violate the first amendment to the Constitution of the United States.
(not sponsored by Westmoreland as far as I can see)
4. No court created by Act of Congress shall have any jurisdiction, and the Supreme Court shall have no appellate jurisdiction, to hear or decide any question pertaining to the interpretation of, or the validity under the Constitution of–
`(1) the Ten Commandments , or its recitation, display, acknowledgement, or use;
`(2) the Pledge of Allegiance, as defined in section 4 of title 4, or its recitation, display, acknowledgement, or use; and
`(3) the National Motto, as defined in section 302 of title 36, or its recitation, display, acknowledgement, or use.’
(not sponsored by Westmoreland as far as i can see)
(5)
Proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States protecting religious freedom.
Resolved by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled (two-thirds of each House concurring therein), That the following article is proposed as an amendment to the Constitution of the United States, which shall be valid to all intents and purposes as part of the Constitution when ratified by the legislatures of three-fourths of the several States within seven years after the date of its submission for ratification, and is intended to include protection of the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, the display of the Ten Commandments , and voluntary school prayer:
`Article —
` To secure the people’s right to acknowledge God according to the dictates of conscience:
`The people retain the right to pray and to recognize their religious beliefs, heritage, and traditions on public property, including schools.
`The United States and the States shall not establish any official religion nor require any person to join in prayer or religious activity.’.
(which was sponsored or supported by Westmoreland)
Posted by: Sasha at July 12, 2006 07:44 PM
10) …covet neighbors house, wife, slave, ox or ášš — Nothing against the law to covet, it’s the American Way. Who here doesn’t covet Angelina Jolie?
I’ve especially coveted Angelina Jolie’s ášš.
The way that commandment is often worded makes it sound as though coveting they neighbor’s wife, ox, or ášš are equivalent transgressions. And that scares me. Because anyone who covets his neighbor’s ox in the same way he covets his neighbor’s wife is nobody I wanna know.
95. Reacheth into the hiding places of your parents and draw forth the pictures of dead presidents. Sendeth these pictures to me, in c/o…
Since the other commandments were inadvertantly broken by Moses, of course, one can only guess at what they were (a hundred points for the reference).
“The way that commandment is often worded makes it sound as though coveting they neighbor’s wife, ox, or ášš are equivalent transgressions.”
That’s probably because they were. Wives were often historically seen as property, the same as livestock.
“Since the other commandments were inadvertantly broken by Moses, of course, one can only guess at what they were (a hundred points for the reference).”
HotW:PI
Posted by: Bobb Alfred at July 13, 2006 04:36 PM
“The way that commandment is often worded makes it sound as though coveting they neighbor’s wife, ox, or ášš are equivalent transgressions.”
That’s probably because they were. Wives were often historically seen as property, the same as livestock.
Sigh… yes, I know that. It was a joke. See, back then, a man’s house, his slave, his ox, his ášš, and his wife were all considered property. Whereas today, looking at a man’s ox in the same way that you look at his hot wife would be considered by most to be… disturbing, at the very least.
For the record, the Congressman’s office says he came up with about 7, but that they edited to 3.
Not that i think it really matters to the issue.
I am sure there are a ton of things politcians vote for or sponsor or sign into law (or bodies they set up) as requirement that they themseleves could not do. Citizenship tests, educational requirements, physical fitness requirements(;0)), whatever. Doesn’t really matter as to whether the idea is good or bad-not to mention that, in the course of an interview, a politician could be somewhat flustered or taken aback in an interview even though he should (or does) know it. and editing can always play a role as well.
I may have told this story here before…….
This is actually not as funny as some I’ve seen or, in this case, heard. Back around General Assembly ’96 or ’97, there was a bit of a dust up caused by the press when they pointed out that some bill that got passed was written so narrowly that it pertained to exactly, and obviously favorably, one man in the entire state (a friend of a delegate) and his business. The next day the local news radio station (WRVA) played an interview clip with one of our elected wonder boys. He said, and I swear to God that I heard this myself on the radio, “Well, if we had known what the bill was about then we might have read it before we voted on it.”
It made me so proud to be a Virginian.
The 0th commandment:
Don’t eat the yellow snow.
that’s 0th as in zero
95. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Whoops – make that 96.
97. Do not taunt Dynamite Monkey.
98. The Giving Tree is not a Chump
99. No Groaning in my store
100……
I’ll leave #100 up to PAD (or someone else)
100. Though shall not question, detain, arrest, or take viagra from Rush in a Red State.
101. Never whistle while your pìššìņg.
102. Never meddle in the affairs of Wizards for they are soggy and hard to lite.
103. Give it to Mikey. He will eat anything!
104. Do not throw butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
105. All your base are belong to us.
Olsen posted:
103. Give it to Mikey. He will eat anything!
Um, not quite. In the original Life Cereal commercial, three boys (including Mikey) are seen at the breakfast table. The two older boys are discussing the cereal
Boy 1: “What’s this stuff?”
Boy 2: “Some cereal–supposed to be good for you.”
Boy 1: “Did you try it?”
Boy 2: “I’m not going to try it. You try it!” (pushes a bowl to Boy 1)
Boy 1: “I’m not going to try it.” (pushes the bowl back; then, suddenly inspired) “Let’s give it to Mikey.”
Boy 2: “Yeah, he won’t eat it. He hates everything.”
It was only AFTER Mikey started eating the cereal that we got
Boy 1: “He likes it. He really likes it*.”
I believe the commercial’s end tagline included some comment about finicky eaters enjoying Life, “even Mikey” (or “even kids like Mikey”, though I think that was a later variation).
Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve seen the commercial, but I believe I’ve remembered it more or less correctly.
*Of course, by the end of the decade, a variation on that came up when Sally Field accepted her Oscar with the line, “You like me! You really, really like me!”
Joseph, what’s amazing is that even after God knows how many years, you nailed it.
I can’t remember the names of the students I taught last semester but upon watching the criterion DVD release of EQUINOX I was shocked to discover that I remembered every single detail of the trailer, which I hadn’t seen since 1970. How does that happen?
(a movie which violates Law 44, btw)
I have fairly distinct memories that the “he likes it!” line is “he likes it! Hey, Mikey!” rather than what Joseph said — but other than that, I think it’s spot-on.
(And Bill, I can’t compete with you on movie trailers, but I can name the kids I taught 5-10 years ago, possibly alphabetically by section. The other teachers all hate me for some reason…)
TWL
Commandment 106: Trust your feelings … and then if you can’t be good, be careful.
107: If the girls don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
(A tip of the hat to anyone who gets that reference. I’m not going to offer anything tangible because I have nothing tangible to give.)
108: Thou shalt not make commandments that are not, in fact, commandments, but are instead truisms, warnings or suggestions.
109: Thou shalt not condemn others for transgressions also committed by thyself, as thou hast done within this very post.
110: Thou shalt avoid using Elizabethan English unless thou truly knowest it so thou dost not make a fool of thyself.
111: Relative to 110, see number 109.
112: Thou shalt not make a mess of the system of numbering commandments by creating commandments that are merely references to prior commandments.
113: Relative to 112, see number 109.
Tim,
That’s an absolutely amazing ability. You’re like…Rainman or something!
(I had a kid say that to me once after I did some instant multiplication in my head. What was amazing was that A-she really meant it as a compliment and B-the multiplication in question was something like 7 x 8. When I blurted out 56 I received looks of wonder and amazement not seen since the time I picked up a 5 foot blacksnake and didn’t react when the poor thing bit me. “You must have a calculater in your head!” was another comment. I weep for our future.)
Back briefly to the cereal issue–anyone remember Freakies? Someone say yes or I may conclude this is all some drug induced haze and I didn’t take drugs in college (yeah, I know, but that’s the story I’m sticking to). They were little, um, freaks, I guess, and they lived in a Freakie tree. There was an jingle that went with it:
“Oh we are the freakies”
“We are the Freakies”
“This is our Freakie tree”
“We never miss a meal”
“‘Cause we love our Cer-e-al”
(ok, that’s a terrible rhyme but if you pronounce cereal as “Seer Eeee Ale” it kinda sorta works.)
As I recall, they tasted of berries and corn…
I’m pretty sure the final line is, “He likes it! Hey, Mikey!” “He likes it, he really likes it” is a misquote of Sally Field’s Oscar line.
PAD
PAD’s correct…but what’s funny is that somehow the whole thing has been mutated into what Olsen thought it was. I’ve heard it referenced a few times by baby boomers and, to a one, they used it in some “Give it to Mikey! He’ll eat anything!” kind of way.
Did anyone else bother to vote on Quisp vs Quake? Hey, for me that conflict was VASTLY more important than the one in Vietnam, at least at the time. Quisp was a way cool alien while Quake was, well, a miner. It was sad. He wasn’t even a mutant miner or anything. Quisp could fly. Quake could hit rocks with his hammer. Jesus. You almost had to feel bad for the guy.
I remember buying both cereals (which both tasted like Captain Crunch, as I recall) just to get these plastic rings. Quake’s ring had what was advertised as a piece of lava on it. I now understand that what the bášŧárdš meant was that they found a dámņ igneous rock and glued it on but at the time I assumed it was pulled from the very maw of some active volcano, possibly Kracatoa, East of Java. (Well, if you’re willing to go the long way it really IS east of Java).
Quisp’s ring had what was promised to be an actual meteorite! Well Mrs. Mulligan’s kid wasn’t some rube who just fell off the turnip truck. OBVIOUSLY this was a steaming bucket of horse fecal matter. Ain’t no WAY they are giving away actual pieces of meteorites, no matter how small.
But I got both anyway and wore them with pride (which goes a long way toward explaining why I was seldom in serious running for Most Popular At School). Both rings, long lost, sell for around $800-$1000 on the collector’s market. For that money I could actually buy a beautiful head-sized meteorite on ebay. And the goddess of irony smiles once again…
114) Thou shalt not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
115) Two wrongs don’t make a right.
116) Three do.
117) Thou SHALL return the shopping cart to the appointed place in the parking lot.
118) Thou shalt not spank bears.
119) If tis yellow, let it mellow
120) If tis brown flush it down.
121) Who marries who is none of your business.
122) “Like” is not to be used as every third word in a sentence.
123) Know that any film based upon the works of L. Ron Hubbard shall be dreck.
Tangential to all this, just found out I’m gonna be a daddy in about 7 1/2 months.
(A tip of the hat to anyone who gets that reference.)
Just make sure you follow that up with the Man’s Prayer: “Quando omni flunkus moritati”. 🙂
Tangential to all this, just found out I’m gonna be a daddy in about 7 1/2 months.
Oh wow, hey, congratulations!
I am all for it!!
plus these commandments.
11)Thou shall not bring guns to school and kill fellow students.
12)Thou shall not teach Darwin,true science,or promote creativity outside “normal” thinking.
107: If the girls don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
(A tip of the hat to anyone who gets that reference. I’m not going to offer anything tangible because I have nothing tangible to give.)
124) Thou shalt observe the Duct Tape and keep it handy
125) Thou shalt keeo thine stick on the ice.
Regarding the whole neighbos ox/wife conundrum…I know some people (unfortunately) where that wouldn’t be much of a problem. Now, whether that’s because these people like animals or the wives are really, er, having great personalities, I’ll leave that to your imaginations.
Craig J. Ries and Manny, I have a hat lying around somewhere… as soon as I find it, I’ll put it on and tip it in your direction.
Bill Mulligan, I thought you were crazy, but Jeannie remembers Freakies cereal. She may even have one of the magnets on our ‘fridge.