In case anyone was wondering what I was doing posting on the board at all hours, it was because I was taking breaks from finishing a sketch I was writing for this year’s Shore Leave convention in Maryland (www.shore-leave.com). It’s the 25th year for this fan-run Star Trek/media con, and when I found out they needed someone to write their Sunday afternoon showcase sketch (performed by the extremely formidable troupe Cheap Treks) I volunteered.
Mostly the reason I couldn’t pass it up was because I saw ripe parody material from the previous year’s convention when James Marsters showed up, and the startled convention found itself overrun with shrieking female teenage “Spike” worshipers. It was Elvis level. This in turn made me think of “Bye Bye Birdie” where a town is turned upside down with the arrival of an Elvis-like rockstar. And when it was announced that this season would be the last for “Buffy,” “Bye Bye Buffy” seemed a natural. So the sketch is, in essence, the story of a convention run amuck with teenyboppers because Spike is coming. And matters become complicated when Captain Bill (a thinly disguised Bill Shatner), jealous that James Marsters has become the new bare-and-smooth chested sex symbol, plans a Phantom of the Opera-like revenge. Following is a selection from a typical song, set to the tune “Kids,” sung by Bill…
BILL
Fans!
Yes, they’ve helped to keep my career alive.
Fans!
But they all still hate me for “Star Trek Five”
Fans! How they used to love me, worship where I walked.
Each convention, need I mention yeomen
Would keep my Captain’s log warm
Fans! All they think about are the latest stars
Fans! It’s like I’m from Venus and they’re from Mars!
BILL & CONVENTION CHAIRMAN
Why can’t they be like we/You were
Trekkies in every way.
What’s the matter with fans today?!
If you live in the area of the convention, would like to be in the show, and can sing, let me know and I’ll pass your c.v. to the show’s director.
PAD
• 
Why does this scare me?
*laughs*
I love it!
Jeez…is it that subtle that you have to state that Captain Bill was a thinly disguised Bill Shatner?
Actually, the name “Cheap Treks” had me giggling even before I got to the song…!
Funny stuff…wish I lived in Maryland!
Any chance of putting the script up on the web after the Shore Leave performance? I still crack up over the Luke tells Leia about their relationship scene from Return To Jedi: Address Unknown, and the “You Klingon son, you killed my bášŧárd” from your Star Trek III Shore Leave parody.
I am professionally jealous.
The best I could do was a pre-Voyager sketch about a Captain Jiang-Wei who took care of the Borg in her own fashion….
Bye Bye Birdie is the one musical movie I like. Sounds like a great sketch.
What was your version of the telephone hour?
What was your version of the telephone hour?
In the sketch, there’s a group of fans so into the show that they call each other by character names. There’s also three guys floating through the sketch evocative of the Evil Trio from season six, referred to here as the Geek Chorus. Lastly, there’s Toady, the convention lacky given the unenviable task of trying to round up guests for Shore Leave.
This is the beginning of the song:
DAWN
Hey Buffy!
BUFFY
Hey Dawny.
DAWN
What’s the story, queen of gory?
BUFFY
What’s amiss, little sis?
DAWN
Did you hear about Shore Leave this year?
(The Geek Chorus tries to get off to the other side, but are intercepted by the entrance of TARA and WILLOW.)
WILLOW
Hey, Tara!
TARA
Hey, Willow!
WILLOW
What’s the talking, dead girl walking?
TARA
What’s the sitch, Uber-witch?
WILLOW
Are you going to Shore Leave this year?
ALL GIRLS
Oh now didn’t you hear?
Spike is coming again.
So I’m calling you now.
You call up your friends.
Yeah I heard Spike was back.
GEEK CHORUS
Uh boy.
ALL GIRLS
Yeah, I’m totally sure.
GEEK CHORUS
Big deal.
ALL GIRLS
Oh my God I can’t breathe.
GEEK CHORUS
So what?
ALL GIRLS
Getting ready for Spike.
TOADY
Hello Mrs. Davies, we need guests for Shore Leave, can I speak to John Rhys please?
Get ready for that Elvis-reaction again on Labor Day weekend. James Marsters is booked for Dragon Con. I sincerely hope that the Dragon Con organizers realize just how popular he is. The Buffy Track organizers commented last year that the Dragon Con folks don’t seem to understand just how devoted Buffy fans are. A fan panel just talking about Spike and James was packed last year. I shudder to think of the registration lines when word gets out about James actually appearing.
Matt-
I am not too worried. I was on the DragonCon directors board many monns ago and they know how to handle the crowds. Considering some of the other people they have had through and that the hotel/convention area is about 20 times bigger and they have police and security there at all time, I think they can handle it.
We (Peter, Caroline, and I) will be at DragonCon this year.
Kathleen
“What’s the sitch, Uber-witch?”
LOL. I love it.
I second Tom Galloway–please post the script!
Chris
Wheeee! You’re coming to DragonCon! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!
Bill Mumy’s going to be there also, I see. Any plans for hijinx that permit audiences? I regret the lost opportunity to attend Shore Leave, as Maryland is a bit outside my travel budget right now. The skit sounds like a blast.
~happy dance~
Jarissa
I’m convinced Peter David has made a pact with the Devil. No one is that naturally gifted and talented . ‘Fess up, PAD! You know “Elizabeth Hurley”, don’t you?
*laughs insanely* Oh, gods… this is such a flashback. I did “Birdie” in highschool, playing the uber-fangirl, Ursula.
Consider this another plea for the full script after the con–I’d love to read it!
Boy, thank Bart for the Simpsons, as it’s been far too long since I saw Bye Bye Birdie to remember how “Kids” goes.
And the spamming posts just keep on a ‘comin. 🙁