The Most Awards 1998

Originally published January 22, 1999, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1314

And so, as we roll into the next year, it’s time for the annual doling out of what may very well be the least-awaited awards in the country: The Most Awards. Named for the patron saint of this little column, Donny Most (for no particular reason) the Most Awards is given out (in no particular order) to assorted people, places or things (in no particular pattern) for various reasons (with no particular criteria.) And so, here we go:

Most Capable of Doing Anything Award: Sergio Aragonés. There are certain givens that one takes as signposts of reality. Certain inviolable anchors to which one can adhere and know that, as long as this is so, the rest of the world can hang together. A number of them are covered under Murphy’s Law. But in a less pessimistic vein, it lends a sort of comfort to we mere mortals to know that, no matter what we might chose to do with our lives, or wherever our interests take us, Sergio’s probably done it already or, if he felt like it, could do it better.

This is, after all, the guy who reputedly, during a male/female DC Comics volleyball game, felt sorry for the women who were being slaughtered and abruptly switched sides. He then proceeded to more or less singlehandedly wipe up the male opposition… and, while doing so, crying out in a high-pitched “female” voice, “Ooo! Ooo! I… I’m not sure I can get it!” before spiking the ball back with the velocity of a torpedo.

This was particularly driven home at the MECYF 98 convention in Mexico City. One evening there was a party hosted by the convention organizers. There was a group of musicians performing assorted Mexican ditties, and at one point Sergio suddenly stepped in with the band and joined them in song, performing with (I think) a baritone voice that put the rest of them to shame. What impressed me was that the moment he walked over to the group, I simply knew instinctively that he would be able to match and/or better them. Because, y’know, he’s Sergio. As long as he’s better than everyone at everything, all seems right with the world. I’m still of the firm opinion that, if he felt like it, he could speak with a polished British accent (and why not? Neil Gaiman can talk with a superbly McFarlane-esque Canadian accent. Reports of Neil’s singing voice remain murky.)

Most Win-Some/Lose Some Award: James Cameron confounded pundits by not only giving us a film that made over a billion dollars, but cleaning up at the Academy Awards. Shortly thereafter, his marriage with Linda Hamilton dissolved. This is a double tragedy: Not only does yet another family in this country have to suffer the agony of divorce, but it also pretty much bûggërš any likelihood of her starring in a third Terminator film.

Most Neck-Snapping Double Take Cameo Award: In the closing moments of the final episode of Babylon 5, series creator Joe Straczynski makes a (glasses-less) cameo as a maintenance guy who shuts down the deserted space station (and presumably then high-tails it outta there) just before the place is blown to kingdom come. It was a bit disconcerting, particularly considering Joe’s earlier refusals to be seen even in a crowd scene. But it was also rather Hitchcockian in its way, and kinda cool just as Harlan Ellison’s cameo as a Psi-Corp cop was in another episode (an appearance which, by the way, resulted in an utterly ghastly B5 trading card featuring Ellison in a surreal pose that looked great in the moody context of the show, but hideous when slapped on a piece of pasteboard.

Word to the wise: Don’t bring it to him to sign. Yes, yes, I know, there are probably wise guys out there who will read this and immediately feel the need to do exactly the opposite, in which case I hope he tears it up and throws it in your face. But for the rest of you… I reeeeaaally wouldn’t.)

Most Welcome News Award: “Seduction of the Innocent,” the comic-pro singing group composed of Max Collins, Bill Mumy, Miguel Ferrer, Steve Leialoha, and Chris Christensen, has been asked to appear at next year’s San Diego Comic Convention. That is seriously great to hear, particularly since this column had been advocating a return of the group to San Diego.

Most Bizarre Historical Accuracies Award: Some of the most grotesque aspects of The Mask of Zorro turned out to be factual. I mean, here I’d been all set to make fun of the surname of the villainous Captain Love (y’know, who was his second in command, Major Cupcake?). And then I discovered that there really was a Captain Love. Not only that, but he really did execute criminals named Three-Fingered Jack and Joachim Murietta (in the film, the older brother of Alejandro Murietta, the eventual Zorro). In real life he whacked off Jack’s hand and decapitated Murietta, and bottled the dismembered parts for display, just as he did in the film. These severed body parts served as grisly museum pieces, picking up a reputation for being accursed and bringing death and destruction wherever they went.

Where did I learn these depressing bits of reality? From the DC Comics Big Book of the Weird Wild West. A must for any Zorro completist, as it turns out.

Most Overused Comparison Award: If I hear or read one more news story that cites Wag the Dog whenever Clinton has to employ military force abroad, I’m going to scream.

Most “Yeah, Right” Story Development Award: To the concept that Batman is now considered an urban myth to the people of Gotham. Yeah, right.

Most Supremely Cool Batman Story Award: To the episode of the Batman animated series which featured several kids describing in vivid detail what they had heard Batman was like in action. It was an in-joke, comic fan tribute dream episode. One sequence was a picture-perfect rendition of the 1940s/50s Batman, complete with oversized props (a gigantic piano, for instance). Another sequence was an adaptation of the classic junkyard fight from Dark Knight, right down to the female Robin, a perfect recreation of Frank Miller’s art style, and even some of Miller’s dialogue. But the best gag was actually a throwaway dialogue bit, where one boy starts describing his own view of Batman wearing plastic, sculpted armor (with nipples, presumably), and driving a Batmobile that improbably could zip right up a wall. His increasingly absurd vision is finally silenced with an annoyed, “Shut up, Joel!” from one of the kids. Anyone who was repulsed by director Joel Schumacher’s efforts on the recent film installments was cheering their TV set.

Most Teapot-Bound Tempest Award: The acquisition of Wildstorm by DC (or is it Time-Warner.) I’ve written about it in more detail in a previous column, so I just figured I would take this opportunity to say: Good for Jim Lee, and big flippin’ deal to everyone else.

Most Welcome Return to Acting Award: Chris Reeve, erstwhile Superman, in a wonderful remake of Rear Window. Naturally we knew that Jimmy Stewart could get up out of his chair and go home at the end of a shooting day. With Reeve, the story worked on multiple levels since what one saw was pretty much what one got. Sure, I know, it’s not like Reeve is getting a ton of opportunities tossed at him these days when it comes to acting, but still it seemed to me a very courageous role for him to take. He also appeared on Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show, wryly commenting how people have told him that his accident has revitalized his career, but certainly there must have been easier ways to go about it. Nobody asks to be thrust into this kind of role-model scenario, but now that he’s there, what an inspiration he is.

Most Bizarre Double Demise Award: Certainly, if one is speaking on a historical basis, the winner remains John Adams, who passed away on July 4, 1826, with his last words being “Thomas Jefferson survives,” unaware that Jefferson had also died on that very same Independence Day. But of recent vintage, we must speak of two of the great icons of television puppetry. On July 30, Buffalo Bob Smith, the heart and soul of Howdy Doody, passed away. Hey, kids, what time is it? Well, it was your time, Buffalo Bob. But the time also came, barely three days later, for Shari Lewis. Smith’s hey-day was the 1950s, but Lewis charmed generations from when I was a kid through to my own children with Lamb Chop, Charley Horse, Hush Puppy and others. If nothing else, I was always fractured by the end of Lamb Chop’s Playalong where Lewis found herself besieged by the insidiously catchy, “This is the Song that Doesn’t End”… a tune that can be easily customized next time you find yourself on an autograph line stretching to infinity (“This is the line that doesn’t end, yes it goes on and on, my friend. Somebody started standing here not knowing what it was. And they’ll continue standing here forever just because this is the line that doesn’t end…”)

Most Egregious Miscasting Award: Lemme get this straight. The producers of Lost in Space, the movie, create a climactic sequence featuring an adult Will Robinson… and they cast someone other than Bill Mumy? Is there anyone on the planet who is more qualified to play a 40-ish Will Robinson than the 40-ish Mumy? What in hëll were they thinking? Some fans have told me that the film was spoiled for them by this stunning missed opportunity (although, frankly, there were so many things to ruin the film, it’s surprising that they had to wait that long to find something.)

Most Disappointing Remake Award: Go rent The Shop Around the Corner. If you can find it, lay your hands on a copy of the British TV version of the musical comedy She Loves Me. Both are adaptations of the stage play La Parfumerie, and both are vastly superior to the distressingly dull You’ve Got Mail.

Most Welcome Reprint Award: DC’s new editions of the old 80-page giants.

Most Capable of Making it Look Easy Award: DC let production poobah Bob Rozakis slip away. The problem with people like Rozakis is that they’re so brilliant at their job, that people tend to forget just what’s involved. I don’t think anyone doubts that if Rozakis had still been running the show, the printing snafu which turned the hardcover edition of Crisis on Infinite Earths into Crisis on Infinite Reprints would never have happened.

Most Valiant Effort by a Comic Fan/Pro on a Game Show: Nat Gertler, who showed up on Win Ben Stein’s Money and wound up getting blown out of the water by a woman who went on to trounce Stein worse than anyone had ever beaten the host in the show’s history. I could never go on a show like that. My nightmare would be that I get some comics-related question that everyone and his brother knows, and I blow it and never hear the end of it.

Most Asked-For End to a Column Award: This one.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)