Originally published January 29, 1999, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1315
(Interior, conference room of a Major Comics Publisher. Several Executives are waiting. Executive A enters, two issues of Comic Buyer’s Guide tucked under his arm. He slams them down on the desk and projects his ire to the others in the room.)
EXEC A: Did you read this? Did any of you? This whole “MarvelManic” satire that compares us with Titanic?
EXEC B: It’s satire. It’s nothing.
EXEC A: I want this David guy gone! I want him off any titles that he was working on for us! And I want it done nine months ago!
EXEC C: You got it, boss.
EXEC A: The whole tone, implication of the column… comparing our business moves to puncturing watertight compartments so that we sink… the whole thing comes across as if all we do is sit around in our conference room and try to come up with one stupid move after another!
EXEC B: But… boss… that is what we do.
EXEC A: I know that! You know that! But how the hëll did he figure it out? Maybe… (he looks around suspiciously) maybe we’ve got a leak somewhere.
EXEC D: Oh, don’t be paranoid, boss. It was just a lucky guess, that’s all. There’s absolutely no way that any outsider could know that this company has actually been taken over by a group of business and psych majors who are using it as basis for a doctoral thesis entitled, “The Ratio and Relevance of Stupid Moves Required for the Dismantlement of a Once-Healthy Company.”
EXEC A: I suppose you’re right. Imagine that… psych majors getting paranoid. (General laughter from all.)
EXEC A: Okay, so… down to business. The moves we’ve made over the past few years have, admittedly, been spectacularly stupid.
The dismantling of the direct market, the firings, the cancellations, the attempts to mimic Disney when, unlike Disney, we only have characters that appeal to a fairly narrow demographic group.
Now granted, we did have a setback when objections were raised to The Incredible Hulk movie because, really, that script was just beyond stupid. If that had been filmed and released, the whole company would have just instantly imploded.
EXEC C: True, but fortunately Executive E, who raised the objections, has been pushed out. And I hear there’s talk of a new script draft.
EXEC A: Will it be stupid?
EXEC C: Oh, probably. But even better… I hear they’re going to get the guy who starred in the Ernest movies to play Banner.
EXEC A: Jim Varney? Perfect! But you know… it’s not enough. The problem is, we’ve managed to alienate the distributors… retailers… and a goodly number of fans. Unfortunately, we haven’t alienated nearly enough. In fact, we’ve actually garnered some.
EXEC B: How did that happen?
EXEC A: Well, the problem is that editorial doesn’t realize the mandate is to make stupid moves, and so they’ve actually managed to get some solid talent on the titles and make a go of them.
EXEC C: I see. But we can’t do more stupid things to editorial. Firing so many of them fulfilled this quarter’s quota of editorially-related stupid moves.
EXEC D: Right, right. We’d have to come up with something else. Something aimed at freelancers, something spectacularly stupid. If we cheese off enough freelancers, they’ll desert the company in droves. We have to make Marvel come across as anti-writers and artists. But… how?
EXEC F: You’re right. But what can we do that’s stupid enough?
EXEC C: Well, we’ve discussed this before. There’s the Shooter Scenario.
EXEC A: I know, I know. But it’s just not stupid enough. He has some supporters, and besides, once he’s in power, he might actually do stuff that’s not stupid. We can’t take that chance, at least not yet, although we can’t rule it out.
EXEC C: We could just fire the lot of ’em. Turn the whole line of books into reprints.
EXEC B: That’s not bad. I mean, we do have almost 40 years worth of material. We could just start all the books over with #1 and start running them. And since it’d be all reprints, we don’t even have to pay incentives or reprint fees.
EXEC D: That’s true. Whose stupid idea was it to stop paying reprint fees?
EXEC B: That was mine.
EXEC A: Good bad thinking, B. That was remarkably stupid. But y’know, switching entirely to reprints… that’s not just stupid, that’s suicidal. Do we want to go that far? Still… maybe something with incentives…
EXEC D: I know! I know! I got it! We get rid of a select few! The high profile ones! We get rid of Busiek, Waid… oh! Oh, my God! And how about this! We show Lee the door! How would that be for a morale crusher?
EXEC B: Jim Lee? But we already–
EXEC D: No! Stan!
(Immediate shouts of disbelief.)
EXEC A: Aw, c’mon! There’s stupid, there’s suicidal, and then there’s just plain nuts! He’s the living legend! We do NOT diss Stan!
There are some things that are just so beyond the pale that they shouldn’t even be broached! Besides, look how the whole Kirby dissing backfired. No, there are just some things that even we won’t stoop to. Not much, mind you. I still think the incentive thing might be the way to go. Hit the freelancers where they live, in the wallet.
EXEC B: But y’know, if we just stop paying incentives or something like that, it might not be stupid enough. With all the bankruptcy stuff, some people have almost been expecting that. Besides, these days, most books pay so little on incentives anyway…
EXEC D: We could just stop paying them altogether.
EXEC A: That’d be pretty stupid. But then they’d just quit. Still, if we can’t come up with anything better…
(Exec C starts to laugh demonically.)
EXEC A: What? What’ve you got?
EXEC C: Oh, it’s too perfect. It’s just too perfect.
EXEC A: C’mon, c’mon… out with it. Is it stupid?
EXEC C: Unbelievably stupid! The most stupid move yet! Here’s what we do: Instead of not paying them… we try to make them pay us!!!
(Dead silence for a moment… and then the entire conference room erupts in hysterical laughter.)
(Some time later, cut to: A Marvel freelancer, getting a letter from the company, cracks it open and reads in disbelief:)
Dear ______,
A review of our records indicates that you were overpaid on your incentives by Marvel Enterprises, Inc., for the sum of $3,460.00. Please contact my office at [phone number given] no later than December 15, 1998 to arrange payment for such amount to Marvel Enterprises, Inc. If you feel we have sent this letter in error, please contact me telephonically or in writing. In the event we do not hear from you, this office will have no alternative but to turn this debt over to a collection agency.
Your help and cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely yours,
[An executive]
Marvel Enterprises, Inc.
(And somewhere in the distant wind, a chorus of stupid laughter could be heard…)
(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Some of the foregoing was made up. Some wasn’t. Isn’t that scary?)
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