Holiday Gift Suggestions, 2001

Originally published January 4, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1468

Christmas is coming, yes, the most dangerous time of the year. Dangerous in that the suicide rate supposedly spikes, and dangerous because people get reeeaaaaal sensitive about it. I once described Christmas as a “mythical birthday.” What I was referring to was that Biblical scholars doubt that December 25^th is the actual date of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth. Instead I got deluged with mail from people claiming I said that Jesus didn’t exist and that I obviously hated Christians.

But you know what’s safe to talk about?

Presents.

There are some unbelievably cool things out there, particularly if you’re a comic book fan. Granted, some of it is high end, but I’ve been told that fans actually have boundless amounts of wealth, all stored in underground vaults guarded by goblins, so I figure that shouldn’t be a problem.

Therefore I thought I’d share with you the things which I consider incredibly cool that have recently caught my eye, which you might want to acquire either for yourself or the comics fan in your life. They are, in no particular order:

Thor’s Hammer. It just doesn’t get cooler than this. I know that Factory X has other comic book props coming out, but none of them exceeds the “Whoa! Dude!” factor of a full size replica of Thor’s weapon. Sure, sure, there’s replicas of Blade’s sword, and there’s gonna be Doc Doom’s mask and Iron Man’s helmet and Elektra’s sais. But there’s tons of replica swords around, and a mask is just a mask, a helmet is just a helmet, and a sai is just a sai. None of these can possibly compare to the majesty of Mjolnir. It’s described at ThirdZone.com as being “17 inches long with cast aluminum head, wooden handle wrapped in leather, and a museum quality display stand. Inscribed ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!’”

I personally cannot wait to get one so that I can stand on the roof of my house, whirl it around my head, throw it, grab the thong, and be carried along for the ride. Not to mention the sheer joy of being able to affect weather patterns, knock down that oversized dead tree in my backyard with one mighty blow, and finally being able to do something about those annoying, traffic-impeding double-parked cars.

My understanding is that Factory X has worked so hard for accuracy, that every single one of the hammers is actually being manufactured by trolls. Yes, that’s right, those idiots who hang around the Internet trying to make life miserable for everyone else have finally been harnessed and put to valuable and society-benefiting work. Factory X has a huge assembly plant entirely populated by Usenet trolls striving to make the deadlines by putting the finishing touches on the last of the advance orders for Thor’s hammer.

Granted, this puppy will set you back close to $300, but hey… if nothing else, you can’t go wrong with a home defense system that can take out anything from burglars to Frost Giants. The best thing is, there’s no shipping costs involved. When you order one, they just throw it in the general direction of your home and it flies there on its own. Just… don’t get in the way.

Moveable Tick Antenna. A definite must-have, and only $7.95 if you preorder it from New England Comics. You want a girl to know you’re interested? Just wear these things on your head, squeeze the little bubble controls, and they’ll stand straight up. What chick could resist those? I mean, really?

I’m loving the Tick TV series, by the way. A recent episode involving sidekicks had to be the most hilarious homoerotic treatment of the topic since the days of Seduction of the Innocent. Ron Perlman was hysterical as a superhero who was flaming in every sense, and you had to love the Tick’s (Patrick Warburton) utter blindness to the very surfacy subtext. Also of interest in that same episode was Captain Liberty (Liz Vassey, replacing Teri Hatcher as the definitive comic book fanboy pin-up girl) and her adoption of a puppy. Now considering just how gay the episode was, either that’s an amazing coincidence, or an inspired in-joke. Why? Because the famous episode of Ellen in which Ellen DeGeneres’ character announced her sexual preference had the code title, “Ellen Gets a Puppy.”

The Wrist Camera Watch. How unspeakably James Bond. Casio manufactures a wristwatch, the WQV3-1BNDL, which serves as a digital camera that can store up to 80 images. It has a Visual Databank that stores not only the images but also names and phone numbers, it has a shutter delay of two to ten seconds, it has a full month calendar, it can interface with PCs and other wrist camera watches and—get this—I’m reasonably sure it tells time. The only thing it needs is a little button that makes a “zee-zee-zee” sound to summon Superman.

The uses to which this baby can be put are limitless. Imagine being able to snap pictures of a robber as he makes his getaway… provided, of course, it’s not the watch he’s getting away with.

Imagine you’re, let’s say, I dunno, Todd McFarlane, standing in a hallway at a convention and you’re concerned that standing just around the corner is someone you really don’t want to see—let’s say, I dunno, Neil Gaiman. No need to commit yourself. Just set the shutter delay on five, extend your wrist, click a picture, and check to see if the coast is clear. If it is, you can go on your way. If not, at the very least you can call your lawyer for instructions.

Imagine you’re a guy in a bar, and sitting two seats over is, let’s say, I dunno, Liz Vassey. You want to chat her up. You figure the moveable Tick Antenna you’re wearing isn’t going to impress her. So instead raise your wrist and say, “Hey Liz… think I can make some time with you?” She looks at you in befuddlement, and suddenly her picture magically appears on the face of your wristwatch. She smiles, enchanted by the magic of it all. She’s yours; from there on it’s just a matter of reeling her in. And need I remind you of the phone number recording option?

The retail on this puppy is about $200. If you’ve got an extra thirty bucks burning a hole in your pocket, Neiman-Marcus makes a separate edition of the watch which has a much snappier wristband.

Elfquest Action Figures. Kids, I have been waiting for these ever since I first saw prototypes at the San Diego Con and Richard Pini uttered the immortal words, “Peter, stop drooling on our characters.” At long last we’ve got Leetah, Cutter, Picknose, and—most impressively—Tyldak (not to mention Petalwing and Cutter’s wolf), beautifully colored and meticulously crafted. They come complete with interlocking stands to form one impressive display.

I regret to say they’re not perfect. If you’re a keep-them-in-the-packaging person, then there’s no problem. But me, I actually play with my toys, so if there’s design flaws, I’m going to find them. Cutter’s left leg required minor surgery when it came right off the first time I tried to move it, and I had to reinsert the hip pin. Furthermore, for some reason they decided to make the ankles one of the points of articulation. This was a mistake. The winged Tyldak fortunately comes with a separate rod to hold him upright, but the others don’t. Cutter’s standing in a dramatic pose with his feet spread, so in his case there’s no problem. But Leetah and Picknose have their feet close together and they’re both top-heavy; consequently, they have this tendency to slowly bend forward or backward at the ankles while displayed. There are ways to solve the display glitches (the most entertaining being shoving Petalwing up Leetah’s skirt to brace her) and even with the imperfections, the figures are still absolutely worth it. Hopefully the design flaws will be solved in future editions (I personally eagerly await Winnowill.)

And speaking of action figures, I should make note of what is possibly the least cool figure out there. The toy that any self-respecting comic book fan will take one look at and unleash a cry like unto the souls of the dámņëd. Yes, as I’m sure you’ve surmised, I’m talking about…

Soccer Spider-Man. From Toy Biz, so Marvel has no one to blame but itself. A twelve-inch doll of Spider-Man outfitted in soccer ensemble. It’s wrong on so many levels, one barely knows where to begin. Heaven help us, there’s also baseball Spider-Man and jammin’ basketball Spider-Man. We are urged on the packaging to “Collect All Three,” which is kind of like acquiring athlete’s foot, jock itch, and psoriasis all in one day. What puts Soccer Spider-Man in a league of his own is the unspeakably ghastly black shorts with the web pattern decoration. Winner of the Super-Unhippest Comic Book Toy Award and also the cherished But I Digress “What the Hëll Were They Thinking Award?” (last awarded to the fine folks who gave you that marvelous peanut butter confection, “Peter Pan Whipped,” which I notice disappeared off the grocery shelves not too long after I pointed out the unfortunate choice of product name and how it reflected poorly on both Wendy and Tinkerbell). One wonders who in the world was the target audience for this thing? Soccer Spider-Moms?

Here’s what I suggest, in order to save Spidey’s honor and what shreds of dignity he might have left. Buy however many of them you can afford. Put them in a pile. Then haul out your Thor hammer and go Whack-a-Mole on them. Yes, that’s right, use Mjolnir to Mjush them into Mjulch. Spidey will thank you for it.

It will certainly lend new meaning to the term, “Walloping Websnappers.”

(Peter David can be written to at Second Age, Inc. P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)