Amalgam contest results, part 3

Originally published May 23, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1227

Finishing up the Amalgam/Vs. Contest, here’s the last of the most intriguing entries. It’s been a lot of fun. And these are by no means all of them. I’m listing the ones that are, quite simply, my personal favorites. Sure, it’s arbitrary. To paraphrase the parents of everyone in the world, As long as you’re living in my column, you’ll live under my rules. Italicized comments are mine.

For that matter, I’m curious: Are there other contests that people would like to see? The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction is always running contests that were created by reader suggestion; if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for us. What sort of contests would you like to see? Lemme know.

In the meantime…

From Donald G., Springfield, VA:

 1) Fem-Force Works

 2) Lady Justice League

 3) G.I. Joe Palooka

 4) Casper the Friendly Ghost Rider           

 5) Diana Prince Valiant

 6) Mother Goose & Grim Jack

 7) Judge Dreadstar 

 8 ) Lone Ranger Rick

 9) Curious George of the Jungle

10) Teenage Mutant NINJAK Turltles

 11) Solar, Plastic Man of the Atom

 12) Shi-Hulk

 13) The Scarlet Witchblade

 14) Shadow Hawkeye

 15) Hi & Lois Lane

 

From: Kristine K., Aurora, CO

1) Zen Intergalactic Ninja High School

2) Quest for Spawn

3) Bullwinkle and Boris Bear vs. Rocky and Mr. Peabody

 

From: Dennis Y., Pleasant Hill CA

Battles:

1) The Atom vs. Atom Ant

2) Kamandi vs. Dinoboy

3) Swamp Thing vs. Pogo

4) Lobo vs. Calvin & Hobbes

Amalgams:

1) Mickey the Sorcerer Supreme Apprentice

2) Jonny Question

 

From: Brian S., State College, PA

Multiple Character Amalgams

1) Captain Atom Ant Man: (Captain Atom, Atom Ant & Ant Man)

2) Mr. Plastic Fantastic Man (Mr. Fantastic, & Plastic Man)

3) The All Winnie Squad

(Brian doesn’t mention who would constitute the members of the All Winnie Squad, but it’s certainly food for thought. Winnie Winkle, obviously. Winnie-the-Pooh. Need at least two more Winnies, I think, to make a squad. Or, if you want to go in a different direction, you could have it be Comet the Super Horse, Black Beauty, My Friend Flicka, and Mr. Ed. And their opponents could be the Neigh-Sayers.)

 

From: Tim S., Frankfort, IN

1) My Three Sons of Satan

 

From: Alan I., Pittsburgh, PA

1) All superheroes, from every superhero universe everywhere vs. Groo

They kind of did this: They let Sergio loose on both the Marvel and DC Universes, with painful results for both universes.

2) Grimjack vs. Sandman: Grim and Gritty

Bonus points for the single worst pun in the contest.

3) Donald Duck vs. Daffy duck vs. Miz Goose, amalgamed into Duck, Duck, Goose

And that’s a close second.

4) Mighty Mouse vs. The Power Rangers vs. Phantom Stranger, amalgamed as Mighty Mousin’ Power Strangers

And that’s a definite third.

Plus: A Multi part crossover between the Star Trek and Dilbert universe. We’d amalgam: an Enterprise that actually functions like a real world organization, instead of existing in Earth-Star Trek where everyone is extremely competent and capable and gets along with all their colleagues all the time. The battles would include:

Geordi La Forge vs. Dilbert

Deanna Troi vs. Catbert

Commander Riker vs. Dogbert

Data vs. Wally

Captain Picard vs. The Pointy-Headed Boss

(Most of the above would be intriguing match-ups–particularly Picard and the Pointy-Headed Boss–but I think I speak for everyone in saying that Dogbert would wipe up the floor with Riker.)

 

From: Wayne W., Richmond VA

I gotta say, I’d pay serious money to read the following:

1) Batman vs. Crying Freeman

2) Captain America vs. The Desert Peach

 

From: Arlen B., Duluth, MN

1) Star Trek’s Q vs. James Bond’s Q

2) Underdog vs Krypto

3) Gigantor vs. Frankenstein Jr.

Amalgamizing :

1) NYPD Blue Beetleborgs

Featuring nudity and adult language, no doubt.

2) 3rd Rock from the Sunboy

 

From: Lee H., Houston, TX

1) Moby Ðìçk Tracy

2) Sherlock Holmes Alone

 

And now, special awards.

To: Sean D., West Chester, PA

The “Waaaay Too Much Time on His Hands Award” for the following, submitted with “Profuse apologies” (not profuse enough)–

So anyway, Johnny the Homicidal Animaniac sets out on a Poison Elfquest which leads him to an island of all women where he is struck down by Stray Bullets in Paradise. The females doing the shooting are Josie and the W.I.L.D. Cats (Women in Lotsa Distress), who are actually aiming at their arch rival Sabrina the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Aiding this latter entity is none other than Vamperonica, who has recently had her butler suck the blood from a certain redhead’s body…

A passing bird, having nothing better to do, carries the redhead’s soul back to A&M Records where she signs a deal under the name Cheryl Cow Blossom.

Meanwhile, back in the seventies, Valkyrie and her Lady Liberators are busy defeating Bobby Riggs in straight sets.

Professor X forsakes the live sports telecast to take a call from an irate Mr. Wilson, who is complaining that the kid next door must be “some kind of mutant.” As this is the case, Charles sets about converting the Mitchell boy into Dennis the X-Menace, with is a tad easier than his Captain Scarlet Witchblade of the Immortal Doctor Fate conversion. Dennis’s first act does nothing to improve mutant PR when he beats the stuffing out of the guy in the UPN time slot next to Voyager.

I’m thinking of calling this “All Abscess.” Or maybe I should just simplify the plot and do Elric as Foghorn Leghorn…..

I think the movie soundtrack should include “Stairway to Free Bird” by Dread Zeppelin.

 

To: Kevin K., Louisville, KY

The “How Do we Do It? Volume.” award for an entry featuring over 130 amalgams combining comics with movies, books and TV shows. These include:

1) Booster Gold Finger (Goldfinger and Booster Gold)

2) Reservoir Dogs of War (Reservoir Dogs and Dogs of War)

3) Deadman Walking (Dead Man Walking and Deadman)

4) Throw Mephisto From the Train (Throw Momma from the Train and Mephisto)

I don’t know why I like that one. It makes no sense at all. But I do.

5) Shi-Devil (She Devil and Shi)

6) Rahne Man (Rain Man and Rahne (Wolfsbane))

7) A Very Brainy Sequel (A Very Brady Sequel and Brainiac)

8 ) Slaine’s World (Wayne’s World and Slaine the Berserker)

9) Swingblade: Vampire Hunter (Swing Blade and Blade: Vampire Hunter)

Billy Bob Thornton IS… Blade. The comedic possibilities of the monologue alone are priceless

10) Old Aqua Man and the Sea (Old Man and the Sea and Aquaman)

11) Super Whipping Boy (Whipping Boy and Superboy)

12) MacDeath (Macbeth and Death)

13) Grace Under Fire Hair (Grace Under Fire and Firehair)

There’s something vaguely sexual about that which I can’t quite pinpoint…

14) Beavis and Bru-Hed (Beavis and Bûŧŧhëád and Bru-Hed)

15) My Favorite Martian Attacks (My Favorite Martion and Mars Attacks)

16) My So-Called Life with Archie (My So-Called Life and Life with Archie)

17) Dr. Quinn: Wonder Woman (Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman and Wonder Woman)

18) Captain America’s Most Wanted (America’s Most Wanted and Captain America)

I thought we already knew Cap’s Most Wanted: Mark Waid and Ron Garney

 

And that’s it. Thanks to everyone for playing.

Next week: We discuss how Captain America comics have proven that wrong is right and right is wrong.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)