Originally published June 28, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1180
Not too long ago, a fellow on CompuServ asked me to try my hand at attacking comic book titles. I didn’t understand the challenge, and said so. Why in heaven’s name, I asked, should I want to attack comic books? I try to defend them, not tear them down. But another poster explained, rather nicely, I thought, that it would be to parody censors’ tactics, to hone rhetorical skills, and to try and second-guess where such attacks might go. Having had it explained to me in sufficient one-syllable words, I took a whack at it. The result was not half bad, I thought, and so I’m running it for you here as well, in slightly expanded form.
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The book under discussion is one of the many samples of the black and white perversions currently available to children. It is entitled, Bone, produced by a writer/artist using the obviously fake name of “Jeff Smith” (perhaps feeling that “John Smith” was simply too conspicuously a pen name.)
Although Bone hides behind the imagery of childlike simplicity, it is in fact that style which serves merely as camouflage for its more seditious underpinnings.
The title itself is a popular and crude slang for an erection. The lead characters are walking phallic symbols with a combination of elongated noses and necks. To say nothing of the fact that they walk around in various states of undress. None of them ever wears trousers, and the lead “Bone” flaunts not only his nudity, but his leering and continued lechery for the underage female protagonist.
Clearly one of the underpinnings is the girl’s sexual “awakening.” She is lusted after by the nude phallic symbol with the slang name, is haunted by dreams which lead her to reach for a sword for protection (another phallic symbol).
Indeed, Bone can be held up as typical of the woman-hating so prevalent in all aspects of comics today… and all the more heinous because of its subtlety.
There are two types of women in Bone–either virginal maidens to be lusted after and require phallic protection, or old, spent women who are relegated to status of “Cow.” Yes, that is correct. This series actually had the temerity to have an old woman (the only other female in the book) race cows and win, thereby making her “first among equals,” as it were. Females in “Bone” are either old cows or lust objects.
And this doesn’t even begin to address the unChristian elements of magic and sorcery prevalent in Bone. The girl displays sorcerous powers, there are shapeshifting elements, and whenever matters are particularly stressful, the Bones do not appeal to Jesus or any acceptable deity to save them. No, instead they hope for the divine intervention of dragons. Dragons are portrayed as feared creatures by the populace, as well as they should be. The evil of dragons and their status as enemy of mankind was certainly established in the tale of St. George’s destruction of same. Yet dragons here, in this unChristian work, are saviors, showing up miraculously as if by invocation.
The only difference between Bone and more overt woman-hating, soul-rotting fare is that “Bone” is intended for a younger audience. Get them when they’re young so they can continue to feast on such rubbish when they’re older. Liken Bone to marijuana and Verotika to crack cocaine and you’ll see the sort of deadly addiction that comics pose. If we manage to wipe out Bone, it may very well save us having to wait until our children are grown to be saved.
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There.
You know… this could be interesting.
You could do lots of books this way. For instance, consider the Fantastic Four when they first debuted. What if someone had said:
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Parents must be warned about The Fantastic Four. It is clearly laden with sexual innuendo.
The leader of the Fantastic Four is “Mr. Fantastic.” Why, we wonder, does he hang this fairly immodest name upon himself? Well, when one says that a man is “fantastic,” the nature of what we are referring to is fairly obvious. It’s sexual performance. And just how fantastic is Mr. Fantastic? Again, it’s fairly obvious. He can stretch at will, enlarge bodily portions however he wishes. Truly his is a case where size doesn’t matter, because his size can accommodate whatever lustful tastes women might have.
And who is his best friend?
“The Thing.”
The Thing, as in, “Baby, gimme that thing. Baby, you got the thing I want. Lemme have some of that love thing. What is that thing? You call that a thing? I got your thing right here.” And other lustful, smutty phrases that one would hear coming from the lips of today’s hideous youth.
Yes, it should be no surprise that Mr. Fantastic’s best friend is a big hard Thing. Isn’t that always the case with any man who fancies himself a “Mr. Fantastic.” You can’t go and swing if you ain’t got that Thing.
But wait… there’s another male member (you should pardon the expression) of the Fantastic Four.
He is a teenager. A teenage boy, filled with rampaging hormones as every member of that species is. And he is a living incarnation of that lustful mindset, because he’s “the Human Torch.”
After all, how often has one heard young men with sex on their minds (probably after reading comic books) say, “Oh, man, I’m hot for her. I am so hot. I’m burning up for her. I’m on fire, man.”
So… here we have the three male teammates of the Fantastic Four. There’s the fantastic leader who can suit a woman’s fancy, a rock-hard Thing, and a teenager corrupted by their influence who is literally hot to trot.
And where is the female participant in this bawdy bunch?
Well… she’s invisible.
This should come as no surprise. Imagine poor Sue, surrounded by these walking incarnations of male sexual power. When this much testosterone is flowing, a woman is about as welcome as a preacher in a whørë house. Susan must disappear, for two reasons: First, because she’s not wanted. And second, if she is wanted, she’s wanted for one and only one purpose. And I think we know what that is.
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I know, I know, it all sounds ridiculous. But considering that forty years ago a shrink said that Superman was a totalitarian symbol and that Batman and Robin were clearly gay, we shouldn’t take anything for granted.
If anyone else has any examples from modern day comics they think are secretly purveyors of smut and youth corruption, feel free to send it in. This isn’t an official contest; hëll, I still haven’t gotten around to sending out the prizes from the last contest. But heck, it’d be interesting to see how the most innocuous material that comics have to offer are actually capable of rotting children’s minds.
America, beware. It’s even more dangerous out there than you suspect.
(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Seriously, send in suggestions. It’d be nice to get mail from someone other than people telling me how silly I am to favor the assault weapons ban.)
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Superman. Iron Man. Wonder Woman. Iron Fist. She-Hulk. Miss Marvel. The Teen Titans. The X-Men. The Beast.
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Isn’t it amazing how a lot of superhero names sound like pørņ nicknames?
While there *are* plenty of superhero characters and franchises getting the pørņ treatment, you’re right about the double entendres that have been there for ages. To add more:
Giant Man. Hellcat. Colossus. Power Man. Iron Fist. (Ow!) The Whizzer. (Ew!) The Hellfire Club (which also was the name of a S&M club in NYC). The Scarlet Witch. Mystique. And, as pointed out in TWISTED TOYFARE THEATER, Nova began as Ðìçk Ryder, the Human Rocket!
But not Unus the Untouchable. Poor guy…
Given the costumes of some the members of the traditional Hellfire Club, they didn’t really stray that far from the S&M club.
Oh, I forgot: Hourman! And yes, ROBOT CHICKEN did a sketch about him promoting pills that will let men “last an hour.”
As for the Hellfire Club, Jean Grey’s Black Queen outfit was based on Emma Peel’s outfit from THE AVENGERS episode “A Touch of Brimstone,” which was more or less set at the Hellfire Club. Here are some details: http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/2006/03/30/comic-book-urban-legends-revealed-44/
(And for a fun — but decidedly NSFW — sketch with the Hellfire Club, check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_gEWRQA4go When the ranting starts, it’s frickin’ terrific!)
Okay, one comment.
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Giant-Sized Man-Thing.
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Wauuughhh indeed.
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P.S. PAD, you sure are silly to favor the assault weapons ban! 🙂
I think you were a little off-base in your analysis of the Human Torch.
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He seems incapable of forming any lasting relationships with normal human females – his two longest-lasting such relationships have involved aliens, one of which was a shapeshifter (and thus of no fixed gender). His closest companion is the hypermasculine Thing. And his power? Flaming. What else is said to be “flaming”?
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Clearly, Johnny Storm is a closeted homosexual, trying desperately to mask his true desires with a series of meaningless, ultimately fruitless dalliances with young women too bedazzled by his celebrity to notice his inattention.
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You’re right, this is fun!
OTOH, Jonathan, perhaps the reason why the Torch’s difficulty in “forming any lasting relationships” is because, like fire itself, once the fuel is gone, the fire burns itself out. And what fuels a relationship? Love or passion.
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I’d also note that the Torch’s power is NOT “flaming.” He flames ON–he burns stuff. I haven’t read anyone who’s ever described any gays as “flaming on.”
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Additionally, there’s this: “Love is a burning thing/And it makes a fiery ring/Bound by wild desire/I fell into a ring of fire/I fell into a burning ring of fire/I went down down down/And the flames went higher/And it burns burns burns/The ring of fire/The ring of fire.” (“Ring of Fire”–June Carter and Merle Kilgore; recorded and popularized by Johnny Cash in 1963, less than 2 years after the FF first appeared.)
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Oh, and about the time that the FF made their debut in the stores, Elvis Presley had been on the charts with a song called “(Marie’s the Name)His Latest Flame.”
And don’t get me started on Galactus. A guy who’s so hungry to put something in his mouth, anything, really, as long as it’s really, really big, like something the size of a planet…
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But the worst is X-Factor. Let’s see, a team led by a guy who’s a one-man ménage à trois. Or ménage à quatre, ménage à cinq, ménage à seize, ménage à whatever. His power allows the scandalized readers of this filthy publication to entertain fantasies of infinite multiple sexual partners, in direct violation of God’s intentions, while simultaneously operating under the rationalization that it’s really just the one guy.
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And then you have a Muslim woman, Monet, who’s from a religion that emphasizes feminine virtue chastity for all but her husband, but her whose name contains the word “moan” in it? I don’t need a map, slide rule and a Quran to see that this character is also intended to fetishize the contradiction of both virtue and sexual pleasure.
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And it’s not just that this book is overly sexual in is tone, but racist as well. One member of this team is a tall, bald fellow, Strong Guy, who kinda resembles a pëņìš. And it turns out that his name is Guido Carosella. Guido Carosella? So he’s Italian? An Italian who resembles a pëņìš? Aha! So he’s clearly a dig at the stereotype of the Italian libido! What next? A black character who resembles a watermelon? A Jewish superhero who resembles a $100 bank note? Disgusting.
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Of course, even the writers of this four-color storybook of sin knew they crossed the line with a character named “Darwin”, a being who has the ability to “evolve” to suit his needs. Apparently whoever wrote this tripe got so complacent that he eventually stopped even trying mask his satanic leanings with subtext or euphemism, because now he just outright names a character after the author of the most evil idea in the history of mankind! I’m guessing there must’ve been a protest from rational-minded parents, or something, because they eventually got rid of this bug-eyed Demon of Pseudoscience, having him quietly leave the title.
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The most blatantly perverted character, however, has got to be Rictor. Let’s see. He has a homosexual relationship with another man, in direct violation of Leviticus 20:13. And it’s not just any man, oh no, it’s a sweaty, hot-blooded, red headed warrior from another dimension who has the ability to make two long, blades shoot forward from his wrist. I don’t need Stan Lee to tell me what those two things are meant to represent! But it doesn’t stop there. You see, Rictor isn’t content with blaspheming decent folk by lying with another man. Oh, no. He’s not a one-man man, so to speak. He likes to play the field. This is why when he’s not busy spreading his Unstable Molecules all over another man’s back, he’s spending time with a young girl who turns into a dog. That’s right, you heard me. A dog. So either he has relations with another man, or an animal. Apparently homosexuality wasn’t enough for the creators of this vile tract of anti-Christian hate. No, they had to up the ante by including bëášŧìálìŧÿ along with it! Thank god this perverted character isn’t a friend of mine. I’d be afraid to invite him over to my house, as I’d probably have to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t schtupp my refrigerator! And that’s not even the worst part! You see, since the beginning of the current incarnation of this book’s publication, Rictor has not had any superhuman abilities like his teammates. But in a recent issue, he suddenly acquired a superpower. And guess what that power is?
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He vibrates.
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That’s right. He has the power to vibrate really hard.
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I, for one, will no longer spend my hard-earned Welfare money on this gutter-trash. I am cancelling my purchase of this rag, and sending a letter to DC Comics letting them know that I am done patronizing the reprehensible material that they call “comics”.
To begin with….Merry Christmas ! And then my two cents. Because I feel that there it something missing. I know it’s corny, but I feel this thread would not be complete if somebody did not mention the pornographic horror that is….DUCKBURG !!!
I know, we are talking Disney here, but – imagine – a city where a large portion of the population walks around without pants. And not just the males, the females as well. Even children. What a horrible, rotting influence this must have on the minds of young readers. All of Disney’s comics and magazines should be banished at once !
(PS…For anybody who cares – not that I expect anybody will – Serious Request collected 8.6 Million Euros.)