Originally published February 10, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1108
Long ago, in a industry far, far away…
COMIC WARS
Chapter 6:
“Return of the Jepi”
…As the
Distributor
Alliance witnessed the
creation of the Death World and the
imminent collapse of the direct market, there
was—unbeknownst to anyone—something new waiting in the
wings. The Last of the Jepi Knights, young Loot Streetwalker, was
being trained by Jepi Master Coda in the ways of the Sales Force, not realizing
his imminent call to arms… .
The stacks of overcrowded comic books were piled at least 30 feet high, wavering in the strong breeze that wafted past. Perched high above was Loot, seated atop the pile while balancing a cycle sheet in his lap. He was making notations nervously, sweat beading on his brow. Far below him, Jepi Master Coda called up in a creaky, gravelly tone, “Now…now, young Loot…must use the power of the Sales Force…”
“But there’s nowhere else to cut orders, Master Coda,” Loot said, nervously. “I’m at the bare bones as it is. There’s limited series coming out that I’m ordering maybe one copy of the third issue and the first one hasn’t even come out. And there’s all this overstock! All these back issues! They’re clogging up my inventory, my cash is tied up, and—whoa!” The boxes tilted beneath him, and Loot plummeted to the ground.
Moments later he sat up, dusting himself off, as Master Coda peeled himself off Loot’s back. “Control,” he moaned, “you must learn control.”
But Loot’s eyes had gone wide. “Control,” he whispered. “Master Coda, I, I see something, something dangerous, vast, fighting for control.”
Coda nodded unhappily. “It is the future you see.”
A distressing scenario spread through Loot’s mind. “I see the Comic Empire—and—and other publishers. They’re all going exclusive. At this very moment, distributors are approaching the Comic Empire’s competitors, setting up exclusivity deals that will drive other distributors out of business. It’s, it’s becoming every man for himself.
“Emphasis is entirely on a handful of large publishers, as the distributors fight for survival—small press is being hammered through the cracks—fans don’t know when issues are coming in anymore—there’s no individualized services—everything’s coming via UPS, and it takes weeks to trace any shipments, and there’s damaged comics with no replacements available—sales are shrinking still further—”
He grabbed Coda’s arm desperately. “I have to stop it! My friends are suffering.”
“You must complete training,” said Coda.
“Listen to him, Loot.”
Loot turned to see the shimmering outline of a familiar figure.
“Obi Wan Seuling!” he exclaimed.
“This is a delicate time in your training, Loot. If you leave now, you may fall away to the dark side of the Sales Force.”
“I’ll come back,” said Loot fervently. “I swear. But now—now I have to stop the Death World—before it’s too late.”
Moments later, Loot’s ship(ment) blasted off, hurling itself into space, leaving behind two concerned beings. “That boy was our last hope,” said Obi Wan Seuling.
“There is another,” said Coda.
“Really?”
He sighed. “No, not really. I was just trying to make you feel better.”
***
“It’s coming! It’s coming!” shouted General Panic.
The Rebel Retailers, with Admiral Capgem at the helm, ran to the sensors. The instrumentation scanned the skies over Norleens and quickly informed them that General Panic was exactly correct.
The Death World was heading their way.
“A message is coming through!” said General Bell.
The air crackled, as a firm voice said, “This is Grand Marv Tarkin of the Death World. All retailers are advised to come with us immediately.”
“Don’t listen to them!” called out Admiral Capgem. “All we have to do is stick together and refuse.”
“Refuse what? Refuse to carry our titles,” laughed Grand Marv Tarkin. “Don’t be absurd. Even if some of you decided to go that suicidal route, others of you would quickly pick up the disgruntled customers. You won’t remain united. We know that. And as for you, Admiral Capgem—clearly you are unaware of the activities of your twin brother, Admiral Gemcap.”
“What are you talking about?” said Capgem nervously.
“At this very moment,” said Grand Marv Tarkin, “Admiral Gemcap is meeting with our Comic Competition. He’s no more anxious to lose 35% of his income than you are. However, whereas you’re spouting off about unity and other nonsense, Gemcap has a schedule of meetings lined up that will enable him to be exclusive distributor for our Comic Competition. He’s going to make up the shortfall somewhere—and it’s going to come out of you.”
“You’re lying!”
“You know I’m not.”
Admiral Capgem sagged into his chair. “But, but I’d be out of business—I’d be ruined…”
He looked around and suddenly realized his voice was echoing in an empty room. The retailers had deserted him. They had all run outside and were clustered in small, fearful batches, looking up toward the sky where the oncoming Death World blocked out the sun.
“Don’t worry,” said Grand Marv Tarkin. “You won’t be around long enough to be concerned about it.”
***
The Death World drifted closer and closer to the rebel base of Norleens. In the control room of the Death World, Grand Marv Tarkin looked at the approaching target and smiled smugly. “Gunnery,” he called, “you can hit Admiral Capgem without striking the Rebel Retailers outside, can’t you?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good. Then nothing can stop us now,” he said to anyone who would listen. “Soon, soon it will be just us, for a change: comics the way they oughtta be.”
Suddenly a quickly moving object appeared on the Death World’s scopes. Tarkin leaned forward and asked, “What is that?”
“A ship, sir, in the shape of an X.”
“Must be one of ours, then. If anything has an X, it’s ours. That’s our trademark.”
“I don’t think so, sir. It appears to be—” He gasped. “It’s Loot Streetwalker! Last of the Jepi Knights!”
“The Jepi Knights!” gasped Tarkin. “You mean that legendary group that kept peace and order in the direct market for years, until vanishing almost into non-existence?”
“That’s them.”
“Get rid of him,” said Tarkin.
***
Loot banked his fighter down, as the Death World began to fire at him. Blasting out of the on-board weaponry came millions upon millions of curved chips of wood and Styrofoam that were usually used for packing. Instantly Loot realized what it was.
“Excelsior!” shouted Loot in alarm, even as the assorted packing debris clogged his vision. He was unable to target the Death World.
Suddenly a voice spoke in his helmet. “Use the Sales Force, Loot. Reach in and turn it against them.”
“Yes!” said Loot. “That’s exactly what I’ll do! Don’t worry!”
He angled downward, slicing through the excelsior and shoving open his cargo bay doors.
The contents plummeted downward, down towards the Death World.
“What is that?” demanded Grand Marv Tarkin in alarm. And then, seconds later, the Death World was inundated—by backstock.
Millions upon millions of comics—comics that had tied up inventory, comics that had been overordered, comics that had been pushed and shoveled into the marketplace—cascaded from Loot’s ship. They went everywhere, raining down upon the Death World, overloading it, driving it downward, ever downward. They were unable to compensate, unable to deal with it, and the Death World sank down, down towards the surface of Norleens.
“You wanna see what it’s like to be one of us,” called out Loot, “then deal with that!”
“But it’s not even all our books!” cried out Grand Marv Tarkin, but that didn’t seem to matter. The Death World struggled to maintain itself, puffing itself up, but it was unable to. Within moments, the mighty vehicle had crashed to the surface of Norleens with an impact that shook the entire galaxy.
Smoke trailed upward as Loot’s ship descended to inspect the damage to see if there was anything left. As his ship landed, he hopped out to discover Admiral Capgem standing there, arms folded, looking stern.
He tossed off a salute. “Loot Streetwalker reporting, sir. And I just polished off the Death World for you.”
Admiral Capgem slugged him. He fell hard, looking confused.
“It fell on our Rebel Retailers!” said an irate Capgem, and, indeed, it had. All the retailers has been crushed by the impact.
“Uh-oh.”
“You bet your butt ‘uh-oh!’ ”
“Guess I needed more training after all. So what do we do now?”
“Do? The only thing we can do: Rebuild. Start from scratch. And try, in some way, to put it all back together again. Perhaps not make the same mistakes.”
“Absolutely,” said Loot gamely. “This time we can make all different mistakes. And may the Sales Force be with us.”
Admiral Capgem slugged him again and then—by himself—walked off into an uncertain future.
(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)
• 
I wish there was a better spot to put this question, but there hasn’t been a Star Trek-specific thread lately.
.
I just finished reading TNG: A Rock and a Hard Place last night. I thoroughly enjoy it, and I thought it would be interesting if Stone appeared again, but I don’t think he has.
.
One thing really stood out to me: Quentin Stone really seems like a predecessor of Mackenzie Calhoun.
.
Is this just coincidence, am I seeing something that just isn’t there, or was the character of Stone in fact such an influence on the creation of Calhoun?
They’re actually both different versions of Mel Gibson characters. Stone was based on Riggs from “Lethal Weapon” and Calhoun was based on William Wallace from “Braveheart.”
.
PAD
Are you a Mel Gibson fan, Peter?
I’m a fan of his work, yes.
.
PAD
Me too.
Interesting. I can certainly see the connection between Stone and Riggs. The fact that Gibson himself has turned out to be a little on the nutty side I think makes it stand out even more.
.
I’m not sure I see it quite as much between Calhoun and Wallace, but it’s been a long time since I read those first few New Frontier novels. The stories in the years since, to me at least, give more of a Riggs than Wallace feel. 🙂
I liked Calhoun’s pugnaciousness in comparison to the other Star Trek captains. In the first book, when he verbally dresses down Dr. Selar in his office… that reminded me of a real Navy man. I didn’t see the similarities between Wallace and Calhoun until after I’d read it.
I have an odd question- How did you come up with the name Dennis Malloy, the alter ego of Ghoul, that fought the Hulk in #357? I ask because my dad was named Dennis Malloy, and he played the Hulk character for years at Universal Studios, a few years this character was created. He died suddenly a few years back, and I am always searching for remnants of him. I’m sure it is just a coincidence, but I felt inclined to ask. Thank you!
First of all, my condolences on your loss.
.
As for your father’s name showing up in the comic, I would love to tell you that he wrote to me and asked if his name could be used in the book, but I honestly don’t remember. I just don’t. It’s possible that I met him. It’s possible that he wrote to me. It’s also entirely possible that it was just coincidence. I wish I knew, but I just don’t. Sorry.
.
PAD
Thanks for the honest answer! I am sure it was just a coincidence, but I couldn’t resist asking. Thanks again for the response!
PAD: I have a couple of questions for you, if you wouldn’t mind answering.
.
1–Is there any info you can provide on the status of “Dark Tower: Sheemie’s Tale?” The standalone hasn’t come out, yet it’s been solicited as being included in the “Eluria” HC.
.
2–Given the events in the current “Fallen Angel” arc, are we approching the end of the series or do you have more stories in mind? (While reading the last issue, I couldn’t help but think that you were in the midst of wrapping up the series.)
.
Thanks (in advance) for whatever info you can give.
Greetings! As we’re pretty much completely off-topic, here’s a general query: Any thoughts on the current boom in superhero pørņøš? (For those keeping score, in the past 2 years there have been adult versions of: Batman (the 1960s show), Batman (THE DARK KNIGHT0, Superman (the first two Christopher Reeve movies), Wonder Woman, and the Justice League; upcoming ones will include Supergirl (not PAD’s version), Spider-Man, and the Incredible Hulk.) Are these a loving (or at least nekkid) tribute to classic characters, or taking them somewhere they should never have gone? Could these be a blessing for struggling comic book shops, or a nightmare for the CBLDF? How broad has the definition of parody become that D.C. and Marvel are letting companies make money (lots of it) off their characters? And what would the ideal superhero pørņø be?
Oh yeah, add CAPTAIN AMERICA to the list of upcoming superheroes-for-adults-only movies.
There was also an Iron Man one recently.
.
Er. Not that I know anything at all about it…
Y’know… somehow, I suspect that in the Superman pørņø, he wasn’t “faster than a speeding bullet.”