Silence. There was nothing but silence around the set. Golden silence. Nothing was moved and nothing stirred. If anybody was in the place in that our plucky (and annoying perfect in every way those. Right down to their perfectly brushed and flushed teeth who does that sickeningly shine effect when they use smile and near to some light source) heroes, they couldn’t hear a pin drop. Or the crickets playing their violins or whatever the heck they due when there’s nobody in the room or when somebody said something boring or stupid. Nothing at all. Well expect the sounds of a writer slamming his chubby fingers onto the plastic little marked buttons of his keyboard and swearing up a blue storm, screaming along the lines about “trying to beat the clock” and “he should have written something sooner”. Besides that and most of the cast taking a breather before the next hijinks, everything was quiet.
“I wish the author wouldn’t cuss to much. He probably killed a lot of kittens that way.” Bela muttered, while scratching her plain but for some darn reason special behind. Jakob who was playing with a hand held game system, still bare butt naked (But thankfully his dirty dirty bits were covered by the ever trusty black censor bar, provided by the author of this chapter), and still pretty much jailbait.
“Really? I thought when you….” Jakob begin to speak what it sounds to be something crude and R-rated. Doctor Sullen’s mouth dropped in shock and quickly raced over to Jakob before he finishes the dirty line. Once he manages to get to Jakob, he gives him an open-handed pimp slap. A pimp slap so hard, that Jakob dropped his game system and he knock about six of his teeth. “Dammit, man! It’s bad enough you have you’re walking around with no pants! But I will not have you soil this chapter of with your nasty talk!” Doctor Sullen yelled frantically “I’m not going have the censors ride my áršë for your obscenity! Not now or ever! Do you hear me?!”
“Yes, sir.” Jakob whimpered while holding the right side of his face. “I think you out of my fillings.” He felt something crunching and hard in his mouth and started to taste blood. “And my teeth! You’re so going to pay for my dental!”
“When’s the next scene already? The people we’re going to fight against are starting to get restless,” Edwood said while his adopted and equally beautiful mother,Woeisme is lovingly rubbing some body glitter over his perfectly sculpted and absolutely fat and pimples free body. It would have been innocent and very motherly rubdown if it wasn’t for the fact Woeisme enjoying rubbing down her son a little too much for everybody’s liking. A little too much if. How creepy? Any minute, Chris Henson would walk into the chapter and ask her to take a city. That’s how creepy it was.
“Woeisme, how come I don’t get a backrub?! It’s been about a two-hundred years since I got a backrub!” Doctor Sullen whined while trying to find some pants for Jakob.
“Because, dear, Bela does a horrible job at it and he likes it when I do it,” Woeisme sniffed while lovingly and rather seductively applied body glitter to Edwood’s lower chest. Edwood was starting to get a little creep out how his mother’s rubbing up all against him. The sparkling and very handsome vampire nervously chuckled and slowly and steadily removes his adopted mother’s loving but creepy hands off of his body. “Oh that’s okay, Woeisme. Uh-uh-uh..I can get Bela to do the rest for me later!” Edwood stammered, trying to put his adoptive Mom down gently.
“But Eddiekins. You always liked it when I rub body glitter on you.” Woeisme whimpered. “Don’t you like it when I rub you over with body glitter?”
“I do, Woeisme, I do. But it’s just so wrong and stuff.” Edwood explained “Very wrong. And it would be cool if you stop. Yeah.” After that, Edwood slowly backs away from his adoptive Mom, trying to avoid the creepiness. Woeisme watches as Edwood leaves. Her eyes narrowed in quiet disappoint. “We’re going to be mine one day, my sexy shiny son,” she quietly vowed “Your shiny, sexy áršë will be mine.”
Meanwhile, Doctor Sullen was starting to regret for turning Edwood into a vampire. Ever since he turned, he has been getting more butts than an ashtray. He should be getting all sorts of dirty, dirty sloppy mattress fun instead of his adopted and very sparkling son. It should have been him! But than, Vampires can’t get blood down there. No matter how much Vigara or male-performance drug they popped.
~Darn you, Edwood Sullen! Darn you! You have cost me backrubs and lots of fun stuff for the last time!~Doctor Sullen darkly thought ~Now I shall strike my unholy and well-dressed dark vengeance upon thee! You shall pay for my nookie! Okay, I can’t get any because of that..but it will be fine mine unnotheless. Yes! Dark vengeance!~
Vlad the Impeeler and Solanum were sitting in their Hollywood styled chairs, reading their scripts for the next chapter. Vlad “So any ideas what’s in Idaho?” Vlad asked the Potato God. Solanum snapped out from his script reading and turned towards the Killer of vampires and wearer of Trenchcoats. “Huh? What’s in Idaho? What you mean?” Solanum asked.
“Yeah, what’s in Idaho. We’ve been going through 79 chapters already trying to figure out what the heck is in Idaho,” Vlad said “And seeing you’re a God of all things potatoes, we figure you have an answer as to what’s so good about fraggin Idaho!”
“Yeah!” Jakob chimed in “I lost my clothes because of it! Start spilling the secret or we start making French Fries out of you.”
“Com’on, man! Spill the secret! Kill the running gag already!” El Patata uncharacteristically exclaimed. “We can’t run another few chapters of this crap. Spill the bean and we can all stop wondering and get laid already!” Soon everybody was screaming and demanding the Potato God to reveal the secret of Idaho before them. After a bunch of chapters, they have the right to know of what the big secret was. Solanum saw all the characters gather around him, shouting and demanding what the secret is. Getting a little annoyed, Solanum gets out of his seat and put his script into his chair.
He looks at everybody on the set/chapter. He takes a good look at them and raises his arms to address everybody. “Okay, okay, okay! You guys really want to know what’s in Idaho?” The potato God asks everybody around “You really want to know what’s the big fuss about Idaho?”
“YEAH! WE WANT TO KNOW!!!” The crowd roared.
“Do you really want to know what’s in Idaho?!” Solanum asked again, emphasizing the importance of the question.
“YEAH!” The crowd loudly answered.
“Do you really want to frackin know?! DO YOU REALLY?!” Solanum asked the crowd before him.
“Just tell us already, dangit!” Bela snapped at the Solanum. Solanum winced when Bela snapped at him. Looks like it was really time for the truth to come out. Looks right everybody’s right. It’s really time for the running gag to be put to bed.
“Alright, you puny mortals. You want to know what the secret is? You want to know what the secret is? The secret that will change the course of this chapters and possibly, your puny mortal lives?” Solanum announced to crowd before him. “Alrighty, than! The secret of Idaho is…”Before he could say anything, a loud bang could be heard. A small and clean-looking hole appeared, between the space of his eyes. Than another hole appeared in middle of his forehead. Than six well placed shots went into his chest. After those eight shots, Solanum falls back. The crowd screams and frantically runs away, trying to avoid being shot themselves. If that wasn’t enough, a giant and very endangered African Elephant fell from the sky and lands directly on the just shot Potato God. After the Elephant lands on the Potato God, it lets out a mighty roar. Than it suddenly exploded in a Michael Bay-styled explosion. Elephant body parts rained everywhere. Everybody within a mile radius was covered in burning Elephant gore.
“What the frack?! Who did that?! Who killed Solanum?!” Doctor Terrible screamed. Doctor Sullen was holding an umbrella over his head, preventing himself being covered in blown up Elephant.
“That was rather…..anticlimactic.” Doctor Sullen said while witnessing the carnage while.
“Dangit! Now the secret will never will be revealed!” El Patata shouted “We have to continue to search for the secret!”
“What the…?! I just had a shower!”
“Is that how you kill a God?” Jakob asked, a little surprised at what just happened.
Meanwhile, a guy in black trenchcoat, a black fedora hat, and lime green goggles was on the building, kneeling and holding on to a smoking sniper rifle. He stands up and starts to walk away. “Sorry, amigo,” the sniper said while he was making his get away “Had to make sure the gag continues to run. Can’t have you spoiling the fun just yet.”
~Have the target been terminated?~Somebody in the mysterious sniper’s earpiece buzzed into life. The mysterious sniper raised his hand to his radio to answer his superior.
The mysterious sniper who just killed the omnipotent Potato God responded “Affirmative. Spud Bud has been taken out of the picture. Awaiting further orders.”
~Continue to tail them, Agent Foxtrot. Make sure the secret isn’t reveal. At all cost~His superior answered back.
“Yes, Hawaiian Shirt Wearing Man.”
~And Agent Foxtrot?~
“Yes, Hawaiian Shirt Wearing Man?”
~The exploding Elephant. What was up with the exploding Pachyderm?~ Hawaiian Shirt Wearing Man asked his agent. Foxtrot shrugged while he was disassembling his gun. “I thought the exploding Elephants was cool.” After dissembling his rifle, he puts it into his really big suitcase. He then puts the case into his trenchcoat and leaves before being found out.
Five minutes after a display of comedic violence, the cast was still in shock of seeing Solanum getting shot. Okay, they were more in shock at how the Elephant was used.
“The Animal Rights group is so going to be mad once they heard what happened.” Bela said while looking at the very dead Elephant. Well, what’s left of it. “I mean seriously that’s so messed up.” Dr. Terrible and Principal Flufie was writing the exploding Elephant plans down into their bad guy notebook “I wonder what kind of explosives were used?” Dr. Terrible questioned nobody in particular order.
“Maybe C-14.” Principal Flufie answered while writing it down.
“Well that solves the problem of dinner tonight.” Woeisme replied.
“My hair! I just got of the salon! And it wasn’t very easy to get this hair style neither!” Vampire Bela shrieked “Did you know how many stylists I had to kill?” Vlad was happily swimming in Elephant Gore and drinking its blood.
“You can actually kill a God with a Elephant?” Jakob asked.
“Not really.”
Wondering who it was, the cast turns around to see a complete revived and unscathed Solanum, smoking a Cuban cigar and walking to them. The crowds were surprised. “Solanum!” They all gasped.
“Yup. That’s me.” He commented while taking a drag from his cigar.
“But we thought you were dead!” Jakob said. Solanum blew out smoke.
“Takes a lot more to take me out, kid. The Elephant bit kind of hurt though,” Solanum answered “And put some pants on please.”
• 
What?
I read three paragraphs and had to stop. Is this in English?
That was a little odd, but I got some chuckles out of it. It’s written in present-tense which is different from how the rest of it went. I’m assuming the entire chapter takes place “off set” as it were, making it an out-of-plot-interlude, kind of like when Bela was showing her script to the producers. And I guess “Off camera” Edwood is actually Woeisme’s son…maybe? I dunno. If you get a laugh, who cares?
I actually really liked how Solanum was clearly and brutally killed and he just walks back on at the end.
Well, some parts were present tense, some were past. And I think the author lost the thread of the fact that Woeisme is Edwood’s daughter, and is occasionally involved with a pedophilic werewolf with clothing issues…
~What was with the exploding pachyderm?~
“I thought exploding elephants were cool.”
🙂
I don’t know if everyone else got that Solanum is the virus responsible for creating zombies, at least in the Max Brooks books. I thought the walk on at the end was a reference to this.
I assumed it was a reference to “Solanum tuberosum,” the humble potato… I wasn’t aware of the Max Brooks reference. But hey, “Solanum” can do double duty now. 🙂
Anyone else noticed that in both X-Factor and Potato Moon, both Monet and Jakob respectively have been naked for multiple chapters at a time?
So, who’se responsible for the elephant: Groucho Marx (“I once shot an elephant in my pajamas…” or Michael Nesmith (with the album “Elephant Parts”)?