Idaho!
The very name conjured up images that paraded like a marching band through Something’s head: images of a state shaped vaguely like a golf club or a platform shoe, some city named Boise that he guessed was the capital, the letters I, D, A, H and O, and, well, potatoes. He was sure there was more to Idaho than that, but the author of this chapter was far too lazy to indulge in actual research.
“And what’s in Idaho?” Something asked. “Besides Boise and potatoes, I mean.”
“That,” Barabbas answered gravely, “shall be explained in another chapter.”
“What a cop-out,” Rhode Island Smith muttered under his breath.
Suddenly, Something noticed something familiar about the man in the hat. “Hey, uh, Rhode Island?”
“Call me Rhodey.”
“Rhodey, do you have a brother? Waspish figure, dark-brown hair? Usually dressed in a three-piece pin-striped suit and a brown duster? Wears red trainers?”
Rhodey looked startled. “My brother John? You know him? The time traveler, licensed potato inspector and weight loss consultant to the stars?”
“That’s the one.”
“Huh. Small world,” Rhodey said with a lopsided grin that would have driven Bela wild if she’d been there to see it. “My brother’s always been a little flighty. Ever since we discovered that time machine back in the forties we’ve traveled all over creation together. But he kept using it, going off on crazy continuity-twisting adventures, while I settled down in this era to pursue my simple treasure-hunting, teaching and bullwhip hobbies.”
“He sounds fascinating. I’m quite looking forward to meeting him,” Barabbas said gravely. Barabbas seemed to say everything gravely.
Doctor Sullen broke in. “First things first. Something,” he said, in an attempt to drag the plot towards some kind of coherence, “before we travel to Idaho, we have to locate your parents, your sister, and that tiresome were-whatever who’s always stalking Bela. This concerns them too.”
“I left them all at the mall,” Something offered. “I was really bored, and Mom was too busy being attacked by Jakob’s shapeshifting were-potato father to buy me anything cool.” He paused for a moment, listening to himself. “Jeez, my life sounds like some kind of nightmarish fever-dream.”
“In any case, we’d better head to the mall. We’ll take my car –“
“I’ve got a better idea,” Rhode Island Smith interjected, tilting his fedora at a rakish angle. “Let’s steal a plane.”
“What, pray tell, is a ‘plane’?” the Potato Knight wondered, unseen and unheard.
—
Elsewhere, the newly-backboned Jakob was showing his exasperation as Bela and Woeisme giggled at his nudity. “Look,” he said, and immediately regretted his choice of words. “Would you please stop laughing at my—“
“…santora…”
The exclamation came from El Patata, who was semi-conscious on the floor next to Lou. He did not, at the moment, seem like the sort of potato that could punch a hole in a bull’s chest. This would be the perfect time, Jakob thought, for a little father-son chat. Except for the fact that I’m naked.
“Hi, Dad,” Jakob said, rolling the word around on his tongue like a loogie. “So, would you mind telling me why you’re trying to kill me?”
“Santora,” El Patata explained.
“Oh yeah, my mother, who I apparently killed during childbirth. But did it ever occur to you that I had no choice in the matter? I don’t even remember it. I had to have it explained to me in exhaustive detail in Chapter 70! Dammit, I don’t even know how I’m related to the old dude in the wheelchair that I thought was my father! Who is he, El Patata?!?”
“SANTORA!!!” El Patata shouted, on his feet faster than Jakob was prepared for. Bela and Woeisme screamed – Woeisme because of the renewed threat, Bela because her shopping day was, like, totally ruined.
“Oh, there you are, Bela.” Edwood emerged from between a rack of ladies’ dresses, still holding his Jakob spudigy. “I was wondering where…”
SPLORTCH!
El Patata embedded his fist in Jakob’s chest. Just as he had with Señor Mendoza.
“Nooooo!” Woeisme shouted, as so often happens during climactic moments.
Jakob stared at his chest in horror as El Patata removed his fist, leaving a gaping hole. It didn’t take a doctor to see that Jakob was not long for this world. He collapsed to his knees.
El Patata looked down at Jakob in triumph. “Revenge,” he said quietly.
Edwood glanced at his spudigy. Like Jakob himself, the potato now had a hole in its chest. Could this work? Edwood wondered. Thinking quickly, he filled in the hole with squidgy bits from other parts of the potato.
And, to his amazement, Jakob’s wound instantly healed. Jakob stood up suddenly.
“Ready for Round Two, El Patata?”
“Bravo, my brother! It’s like one big family reunion!” a voice behind him shouted. Jakob turned and there, in a store that suddenly seemed way too small, was his twin brother Jack. Jack was instantly recognizable – he looked like a strange amalgam of Lon Chaney, Johnny Depp, Jack Nicholson, Denzel Washington, Chow Yun-Fat, and Florence Henderson. His pants were also damp for some reason.
Behind Jack stood a host of others. Vlad the Impeeler, Scourge of Potatokind and Lord Vampire. Solanum, God of Potatoes. Simon Cowbell, wearing his suit of human skin. Dr. Terrible, the non-gynecologist. The Potato Goddess of Righteous Buttery Justice’s , robotic assistant Symblor. Vampiric Bela. Russet. Even Principal Flutie the Werewolf, still missing the paw that was bitten off by Jakob in snake-form way back in Chapter 18.
It was like looking at the rogue’s gallery for Howard the Duck.
“We have come home… to roost,” Jack intoned with unnecessary melodramatic flair. “The revelation of your split personality, and your recent acquisition of a backbone, has attracted many of your spud-surrogates, your –“
“Santora!” El Patata growled.
“Do you mind? Your avatars. They want to rejoin you. Without them, you are… incomplete, fighting at half strength. With them, and with my help, we can defeat El Patata –“
“I’m right here,” snarled El Patata.
“—and then find the remaining shards of your soul. After that… perhaps we can even resolve this insane love quadrangle you seem to have gotten yourself into. Well, my brother? What do you say?”
There was only one thing left to be said. And Jakob said it, at the top of his lungs.
“FOOD FIGHT!!!!”
…
…
There was a long, long pause. Everything was quiet, except for the distant sound of a prop plane.
“Why isn’t anybody moving?” Bela hissed, sotto voce.
Jakob looked abashed. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I think we were all expecting a chapter break just then. Oh,” he said, brightening suddenly, “here it is now.”
• 
That was awesome. The Chapter break at the end was one of my favourite meta-texual gags in the whole series, and there’s been a lot of them. And Bela being pretrubed that her shopping was runined was pretty sweet too. And “It was like looking at the rogue’s gallery for Howard the Duck.” was a good chuckle.
Thanks! I had fun writing it. I’m *really* looking forward to seeing what the next writer does with this scenario. 🙂
Yay for the spudigy!