POTATO MOON, Part 78: “And Now For Something Completely Different” by Lee Houston, Junior

Before Bela and Woeisme could react, Jakob grabbed each of them by a hand, pulling the ladies towards him until one was on either side of their would be suitor. There were plenty of thoughts going through his mind as he realized the arrangement, but most of them were unprintable in a public forum.

What made the situation less than ideal was the fact that they were also being approached by two different threats. Lou the Ape Man, a frustrated security guard at the local outlet of a major clothing chain was coming at them from one side.

Upon the other approached El Patata, shouting “Santora!” with every step he took.

Jakob looked upon the situation calmly, not daring to think about the fact that he was actually holding the ladies of his life in his arms. Otherwise his newly discovered backbone (or voodoo created lollipop stick equivalent for those keeping track of what passes for continuity in this story) might drift away, if not in another direction, which would cause even more problems considering his current state of (un)dress. But then again, if that happened, maybe then the ladies would stop giggling whenever they looked downward.
And now we come to that portion of the story in which the author always switches scenes in order to build suspense and keep the readers reading, let alone buying, their books.

Or in other words, Meanwhile…

Doctor Argyle Sullen heard a knock at the front door of Sullen Manor, which was unusual since anyone in their right mind would never visit, and those that did usually just barged in anyway, proving both their mental state and lack of manners.

Since he was in between video games anyway, Doctor Sullen went to answer the door, and was surprised to see who was upon his door step.

“Good evening,” said a distinguished gentleman. He was well dressed and looked like a proper British gentleman from the Victorian Era, if not an old television program fondly remembered by long time fans. “Doctor Sullen I presume?”

“Yes.”

“My name is Barabbas Cullins. My associate and I,” he said, indicating the man next to him, “have arrived to help you with your current potato and potatoe problems to see if we could wrap up some of the situations by Chapter 100.”

“Chapter 100? Why?” asked Doctor Sullen.

“Because something major always happens around Episode 100, satisfying current readers while attempting to bring in new blood,” said Barabbas with a smile, indicating that he and Edwood probably went to the same dentist.
Concurrently (another word for Meanwhile), Something paused, thinking for a moment that someone actually talked about him for a change. But hearing nothing, Something went back looking to find something to do.

At that moment (yet another alternative for Meanwhile), eager to resolve some of the outstanding plot points, Doctor Sullen ushered his guests into Sullen Manor in anything but an actual sullen manner.

“Well, do come in,” said Doctor Sullen eagerly. “But is that who I think it is?”

“Yes, I am,” said the other man, tipping his hat to his host while smiling, showing that he was actually a regular human being, if such a creature actually exists in this story world.

“My, you have such a lovely place,” commented Barabbas, taking in the surroundings. “With all the nooks and crannies, Sullen Manor has some very attractive dark shadows.”
Simultaneously (Meanwhile alternative number three) the ladies were wondering how they were going to get out of this jam, or would that resolution be left for the next author to create?

That was when Bela looked upward, instead of down for another chance to giggle, and noticed that for once there was a twinkle (of confidence? An actual personality?) in Jakob’s eye that would even put Edwood to shame, provided Edwood even knew the meaning of the word shame. This gave her the wild thought of presenting Edwood with either a dictionary or a thesaurus for Christmas, since it was always hard to come up with a gift for the sparkly vampire that he didn’t outshine.

During this time (Meanwhile, alternative number four, collect them all!), Woeisme wondered when something good in this story was actually going to happen to her again, before looking downward for a quick laugh to keep her mind off their current predicament.

For now (another Meanwhile alternative for those not keeping track) something was being over looked.

In typical teenage fashion, Something had come home from the mall alone because he couldn’t get his mother to buy him anything cool. It would be uncool to spend his own money on something cool, even if he had any to spend, for being broke was totally uncool.

Besides, with everything else going on, it’s not like he would have been missed any time soon.

He looked out the window of a second floor hallway, overlooking the surrounding countryside of Sullen Manor, looking over recent events in a sullen manner.

“I’m always being over looked,” Something realized. “I can understand Edwood and Jakob being in the spotlight at times. And of course Bela always has to be in the spotlight. But Woeisme? And all these other characters running around having their moments? Why? Most of them are just in supporting roles, if not cameos. When is it going to be my turn?”

It was a dark and stormy night outside, perfectly matching his mood.

Then suddenly Something heard a noise behind him. He turned and saw something Something didn’t think he would see, but considering how things were going, was surprised he didn’t see it before now.

It was a dark and stormy knight.

Literally.

“Who are you?” Something asked.

“I am the Potato Knight,” replied the figure.

“You sure you don’t mean Potatoe?”

“Mind your manners, grammar, and spelling young one!” hissed the knight darkly.

Something looked at the figure in the suit of body armor. But instead of being covered in glory it was just rusty old tin. “The Potato Knight, huh? I was kind of expecting someone else. You know, with pointed ears and a cape.”

The Potato Knight sighed. “Him again! Knights have been around a lot long that those spandex wearing newbies.”

“So, is that why your suit of armor is all beat up?”

“Sadly, no,” said the Potato Knight, lowering his head in sorrow the best one can while wearing a suit of armor. “In my last battle, my foe fought dishonorably.”

“So you lost,” realized Something.

“Worse. I was mashed,” replied the knight, indicating all the dings and dents in his armor.

“But what does all of this have to do with me?” Something asked, taking a page from his mother’s book, which wasn’t very good reading for a diary, let alone a would be movie script. It was all Bela this and Bela that. It lacked something, although Something wasn’t sure what.

“I need a new squire and you will need my assistance to take on the quest that your father and his friends downstairs are about to send you on.”

“A quest?” Something asked, anxious to have something to do.

“And I shall accompany you young Tot. To help you vanquish all foes and regain not only your family’s honor, but to restore the potato to its rightful glory within the world.”

“And?”

“And what?” asked the Potato Knight.

“What’s in it for you? Every character I’ve met recently has an ulterior motive for being here. What’s yours?”

“Ah, young thou may be but sharp your mind is. I can only hope that upon the completion of our adventure that at last I shall finally win the hand of my lady Munchinea. But be warned, you shall be the only one who can see or hear me.”

“If we do it that way, people might think I’m going nuts talking to myself,” realized Something.

“Who said you ain’t?”
Amidst (yet another alternative to Meanwhile) all this subplot building, back at the mall…

Lou the Ape Man approached from one side. El Patata the other.

Lou. El Patata.

El Patata. Lou.

Without too many players to keep track of, Jakob was able to act quickly.

At the last possible moment, he pulled Bela and Woeisme back a step as Lou the Ape Man and El Patata crashed into each other, proving that there were times you could actually learn something from watching Saturday Morning cartoons!
Contemporously (Meanwhile, alternative number seven for thesaurus fans, and the end of this running gag), anxiously looking forward to having something to do, Something anxiously raced downstairs to Doctor Sullen’s study.

There, Doctor Sullen and two men Something didn’t recognize were studying a map laid out across Doctor Sullen’s desk, for once actually making the room live up to its name.

Something knew that something must be up, especially considering that for once Doctor Sullen had actually turned off his video games!

“Oh there you are,” said Doctor Sullen, looking up from the map. “Come in, come in. We were just discussing you.”

“Oh?” asked Something, pretending not to know what was going on, which was easy, for most of the time he didn’t.

“Yes,” said Doctor Sullen, “we had to have something to talk about while we were making plans to get to the bottom of everything. This is Barabbas Cullins,” he said, indicating the distinguished gentleman on his right, and this is—”

“Rhode Island Smith,” said the other man, tipping his hat at Something.

“The famed archeologist, explorer, and adventurer?” asked Something.

“You forgot handsome, leading man, and potential love interest,” replied Smith.

“Boy, Edwood and Jakob are going to hate to meet you, especially if Bela’s nearby,” realized Something. “But I thought you’d be taller,” he commented, noting that the other guest wasn’t much taller than he was.

“For better or worse, Rhode Island isn’t that big of a state,” replied Smith. “Yet it isn’t a man’s physical size that determines who or what he is, but his actions, heart, and deeds.”

“Yes, yes. That’s all very nice and noble,” said Doctor Sullen, “but we have much to do and far to go.”

“Go where?” asked Something.

“To the very heart of the problem,” said Barabbas. “To the very root of all your potato and/or potatoe problems.”

“Where?’

“Idaho.”