Keeping the timeline unsullied sucks, thought the man who claimed the
title of Doctor. What was supposed to be a romp through the centuries
with his assistant, Captain Jacque Harness, had turned into actual
work, what with having to put Dan Quayle back into his proper place in
the timestream and wiping his memories, as well as replacing the
deceased Dukakis with a laminated cardboard cut out. Now, even his
oldest enemies were somehow drawn to this era. But why?
“There’s a great force gathering in this era, a cosmic anomaly that
warps time and space willy-nilly. And there is a group of people,
well, rather strange people but still people nonetheless at the heart
of this temporal breakdown.” said Doctor Smith to Harness. “I think I
shall have to meet them.”
***
Solanum, the self-proclaimed God of Potatoes watched as Fig and
Woeisme had their dinner date. His plan to destabilize Jakob’s
shape-shifting had worked! With Jakob now potentially a were-cow,
ancient prophecy meant that he could not have Woeisme or else risk the
destruction of all that is holy, and many things that are not.
Fig, Woeisme’s new love interest, would thus be able to take the
eight-going-on-sixteen-year-old for himself. And for his patron deity,
who would use her vague yet to be determined supernatural powers for
purposes yet to be revealed. Said Potato God (as opposed to Potato
King) now walked amidst the ruins of a local castle.
Jakob, Edwood and their former foe Yukon Gold had stormed this castle
along with a suddenly and uncharacteristically protagonistic Bela,
hoping to find a cure for Jakob’s were-cow problem, and possibly get
the One Onion Ring that Solanum said they needed to get in order to
stop Yukon Gold. Which… didn’t make much sense given that Yukon
joined them to get away from his crazed brother El Patata, the former
Toreador with a penchant for punching cows to death and screaming
SANTORA!
Solanum frowned. He had not anticipated the destruction of Master
Magus Mario Batali of the Organic Order of Gardeners’ home, and the
subsequent loss of the Onion Ring of Power. Now, Woeisme would have to
Follow the Force (all things follow the force) and find it for him
elsewhere.
Yukon Gold’s remains lay under a collapsed wall. The Potato King may
have had the power to yank politicians out of time, to order the local
pack of Werewolves around and to avoid destruction at the hands of
Ðìçk Cheney, but sadly he could not avoid the ultimate fate of any one
who is more than 51% potato. Being eaten. By ants in this case. So
many ants.
Solanum had also lost his other servant, the One True Potato (who had
disguised himself as Stephen Colbert so well that even the narration
got a bit confused for a time.) Now, without One True Potato or Yukon
Gold, El Patata’s rogue activities would be unchecked.
And who hired wizards to pose as movie theater ushers and attempt to
kill Edwood? Who blew up the castle? Why did Edwood make a voodoo doll
of Jakob way back in part sixteen? Solanum didn’t know, and that
scared him.
***
It began to rain near Woeisme, who had just been told by a strangely
dressed and probably drunk captain that her beloved Fig was a potato.
Possibly a vampiric one. She didn’t care. The rain was careful not to
mess up her hair, make-up or clothing. Like her mother before her,
Woeisme was immune to looking anything less than perfect. And to
making decisions on her own. To that end, she would need help
accomplishing her next task. Going to the town of Rainydale,
California to find the vampire father of Fig. Only then could she find
the One Onion Ring. But more importantly, only then could she get
married!
***
“Tell me why I’m doing this again?” said Jakob, who was busy watching
the rainy, wet Washington road as he drove Woeisme farther and farther
away from her reconstructed home.
“Because you love me and want to see me marry the man I love because
it will make me happy!” smiled Woeisme, totally oblivious to how much
of a jerk she was. Sadly, her argument was flawless. Jakob was still
in love with her. Had been since before she was born. Which never
stops being creepy.
Sadly, the two soon found themselves rather lost. Woeisme tried to
unfold a map, found that as a map of Seattle it was rather useless for
the purposes of this roadtrip, and then attempted to fold it back as
if nothing had ever happened. But alas, even a Sullen can’t manage
that trick. Soon, Woeisme was about to simultaneously cry and commit
murder, having crumpled the map into an origami Mr. Rogers. Jakob
sighed. He remembered the good old days, back when he was just a plain
ol’ werewolf and didn’t turn into cows or trees or geeky TV writers.
Pulling the rented car over to the side of the road, he cried out
“WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF A LAPTOP WITH WIFI!” and hoped
that this would get his beloved to calm down.
Meanwhile, in Hollywood, Jakob Blaq’s long lost twin brother, Jack,
suddenly turned into a bucket of water. Huh.
A much more relaxed Woeisme used Laptop!Jakob to get directions, and
to update her Facebook while she was at it. It pleased Jakob to be
used by Woeisme, though his teeth hurt once he returned to his natural
form. Ow.
Quite a bit of time later, they arrived. Jakob swiftly parked in front
of Rainydale High School.
“Why are we stopping here?” cried Woeisme.
“Two reasons.” explained Jakob, grabbing Woeisme and dragging her into
the hallowed halls of high school. “The first is that we’ve been
followed by El Patata, you know, that crazy potato guy what goes
SANTORA!”
“And the second?” asked Woeisme, happy to be pulled along as was her
fate in life.
“Where else are we going to find vampires?” quipped Jakob as he ran.
“Haven’t we learned anything from your parents? Immortal, ageless
beings love taking high school courses for eternity.” Then the
were-whatever and the half-vampire ran straight into that most famous
resident of Rainydale.
“Hi! I’m Artie!” said the redhaired teen whose freckles stood out
against his pale vampiric skin that sparkled like a thousand diamonds.
“These are my friends Jarhead, Becky and Veruca! Welcome to
Rainydale!”
• 
Bwa-haha! Nice twist.
What? Where you expecting someone else?
That Solanum muses paragraph was so great because it tried to wrap up all the lose threads into something. I had to read it, like, 4 times to wrap my head around it, but I loved it. I think my favourite chapters are when someone tries to take all of the various threads and give it continuity and logic.
Also, the whole thing is a script by Bela. Or is it? The mind boggles.