Month: May 2009

The ferret skittered past the wailing orphans littering the street and between the wheels of the speeding ambulance with preternaturally unrodent grace and charged the double doors of Prescott’s Ascott’s Ford’s Theater and House of Flapjacks. Jakob resumed his true form and pushed through the double doors with more haste and less cool than he would have liked, regretting not having morphed into a fleeter form.

As he had hoped — make that feared, he amended mentally — Edwood had stumbled into a trap. The undeniably cool vampire for whom Bela had left him stood mesmerized in the recently renovated yet nostalgic lobby of the movie theatre çûm car dealership çûm flapjack house (Jakob smirked as he always did when he worked dirty-sounding words into his internal monologs) staring into a mesmerizing montage of movie images even more dazzling than his sequined jacket. An apprentice wizard, disguised as a bored usher, held a sharpened and butter-slicked wooden wand over Edwood’s heart while the other usher çûm wizard (did it again) drew back his cell phone like a Nokian mallet, ready to drive the stake home.

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 32 by Kevin Killiany” →

“The force? The force? The Force! Of course! The FORCE! I must follow the Force!!!!1111111”

The magnitude of such a realization shook even the gods of (sic) grammar, and broke the physics of language. For a brief moment, exclamation points went through a rapid breeding period, evolution to an ascended, even higher language – thus unnamed but one that allows math to be punctuation, and was rapidly extinguished by the genocidal zealous of the quotation mark.

“The thing to remember here,” He said aloud. “Is the clues that I’ve been given. Yes, it all makes sense!” The pieces clicked together like something out of a jigsaw puzzle. Satisfied with the brilliant metaphor, Edwood, raced off to follow the Force.

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 31 by Matt “Tuberous” McLain” →

“But you can’t be!” Something gasped in a truly tragic manner seen only in melodramatic movies and Scooby Doo cartoons. “Solanum is DEAD! Everyone knows that!”

Ominous organ music swelled in a stereotypical “Dum, dum, dum.”

Edwood, shimmered in his overly-sparkly self, as he looked around. “Where’d the music come from?”

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 30, by Rhonda Eudaly” →

PAD here: I’m pretty sure that Keith DeCandido now holds the land speed record, turning in his entry a mere two hours and three minutes after getting the call.

Jakob and Edwood dashed angstily toward the Forks, Washington nuclear power plant, the scene of the battle royale (without cheese) between the time-displaced Governor Michael Dukakis and Yukon Gold, the Potato(e) King.

Jakob knew in his heart of hearts—which is a really bizarre, and indeed slightly gross metaphor, all things considered—that no matter what he did, even if he was the one to save the day using his maddeningly inconsistent shapechanging powers to save the day, that Bela would still go running back to Edwood. Why, oh, why, oh, did he ever leave Ohio and come to this place where his heart would be broken like a piece of wood after a karate student hit it with the side of her hand? Why did he long after Bela with a longing as deep as the deepness was long? Besides, he was betrothed to the confusingly aged Woeisme, and Bela was obviously never going to leave Edwood no matter how pretentious he got, so why did Jakob keep coming back to her?

Was it because he always wanted what he could not have? Was it due to his incredibly disturbing potato obsession? Or was he just a schmuck?

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 29 by Keith “Rah-Rah” DeCandido” →

“Here I come to save the day, Edwood Sullen’s on his way!” sang out a perfect voice, on perfect key, with flawless accuracy as Edwood swept down from the skies, looking like the perfect prince. All he needed was a white horse to complete the look.

Bela swooned as she watched the love of her life strike a perfect pose. “Sparkle…power…make up,” he said, as he began to twinkle like a star that he was. “I will save you from the evil threat.” A spotlight seemed to shine mysteriously on him, from the heavens.

“Oh, Edwood, you’re so handsome,” Bela swooned. “You’re such a spud!” A flurry of hearts seemed to appear in her eyes. “If only we could be together forever.”

Jakob stared. “Didn’t you say our relationship issues needed to be put aside?” he asked. He was starting to wish her single brain was as large as her…twin potatoes. “There’s a battle going on!”

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 28 by El Weiss” →

Which is when the muffled explosion-y sound reached them.

Bela and Jakob spun towards the sound, from the direction of Sullen Manor. The glow of the explosion from that direction let them know they hadn’t just imagined it.

“My house!” yelled Bela.

They then saw a meteor-like streak in the sky, arcing glowingly. A smaller streak split off that streak, and quickly angled downward. Towards them. Bela and Jakob dove for cover as a flaming helmet crashed mere feet away. Only the letters KE DU IS remained visible on the charred, mashed-potato-smeared headgear.

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 27, “The Blast Action Hero,” by Christopher Walsh” →