This one is kind of difficult to talk about and will probably be difficult to read. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if Kath and I were going to be discussing it, but she said she wanted to, so I’m following her lead. I’m putting it below the cut line though so you can know in advance that this isn’t a typical blog entry.
Kath was having an unusually heavy period. So profuse was the bleeding, in fact, that her OBGYN’s office wanted us to take her to the local emergency room last night. One concern was that it was being caused by fibroid tumors; in any event they wanted to make sure the bleeding was brought under control since it was showing no signs of slowing.
We went to the local ER. She was checked in, hooked up to an IV, and they drew blood to run a work up on her. Over the long hours, the attending (whom we starred referring to as J.D. just to remember–we actually started naming all the assorted medical care folks after TV doctors–J.D., Elliot, House, etc.) did an internal, cleared away a bunch of the clots, and said he was going to start her on a medication to slow the bleeding.
Some time later he came back to us, looking rather surprised. “Did they go into detail at your doctor’s office as to possible causes?” he asked.
“They seemed most concerned about it being tumors,” she said.
He shook his head and said, “Your blood work came back positive for pregnancy. You’re having a miscarriage.”
We were stunned.
You know that whole “ninety five pecent effective” thing about contraception? Meet Mr. and Mrs. Five percent.
Kath sobbed profusely, emotions roiling, and I just stood there looking like I’d been hit in the face with a 2 x 4.
Anyway…
We left the hospital at 3 in the morning. Ariel was a trouper taking care of a fussy, “I want my mommy” Caroline until all hours, so we let her sleep in and then stay home from school while I drove Kath today to her OB/GYN. He did an ultrasound to make certain that no further work was required, which it wasn’t. Her uterus had effectively cleaned up after itself, and the bleeding is already in the process of tapering off.
“One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage,” he said.
I had no idea it was that high.
When you didn’t even know there was a baby in the mix…and then it’s gone…it’s like the biological equivalent of the Groucho Marx song, “Hello, I must be going.” Except without the whole being funny aspect.
As I said, I wasn’t sure if we should even be talking about this. But Kath decided that she wanted to, and if she’s going to then naturally I am too. I’m still not even sure how to feel about the whole thing. Right now my focus is on taking care of Kath and trying to make the next few days as stress free on her as possible.
PAD
• 
Happened the same way with my wife; it was one of the longer days in our lives.
I said it on livejournal to Kathy, I’ll say it here.
You’re both in our thoughts. A few tears from down south and a very great many prayers.
My deep sympathy to you both. Incidentally, you met my ex-wife Christine (and her powers of recall) in the ER last night. She recognized you, somehow, from the frenzy of books that I own and since removed from her habitat. I only own one of yours, Q-Squared, and had only read the first half recently (so far, so strange). I’m sure this anecdote won’t be a candidate for a chapter on the paranormal in a Time/Life book, but I find it noteworthy nevertheless. I wish you and your wife well. -Andy
These are the times when the power of words mean nothing and everything, so just know that for all the words said here, there’s a whole lot more out there just as concerned and wishing you all well.
I’m sincerely sorry to hear that, Peter and Kath. Both of you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I do know what you’re going through, Peter – it happened to us in ’05. Your writer friend above needn’t feel embarrassed about not finding the words, because there aren’t any. I extend instead heartfelt sympathies to you and Kathy, and your children. I only wish there were some more concrete support I could offer.
Oh, man. That’s just … really, really šhìŧŧÿ.
Lisa and I haven’t been there (and hope not to be), but we’ve certainly had friends and relatives of ours who’ve miscarried (including my mom back before I was born … two or three times, I can’t remember which). It’s just an awful thing pretty much any way you look at it.
Kudos to Ariel for doing as much good as one can do under these circumstances … and our sympathies and best wishes to you and Kath.
TWL
You have our sympathies. Our story was the reverse. The birth control failed (we now think due to medication conflict), and we had a surprise daughter. When we actually started “trying” for one a few years later, the one successful conception ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks. We had about four weeks of dreaming of a second child. It was a good four weeks.
All the best to your family, Peter.
I don’t have the words. Just be well.
My best to you and the wife, sir, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s tough to lose something like that, no matter how many times you see it used as a story device. Be strong.
That’s seriously heartbreaking.
My brother and his wife went through it. My wife and I (both in our late 30s) had a relatively smooth time with the birth of our daughter four years ago and are trying to decide now whether to tempt fate again…
I’ll say a prayer for you and the family tonight.
My sympathies are with you sir.
I’m very sorry to hear that, Peter. My wife and I tried for years to conceive, and we were unsuccessful. The whole process was much harder than I’d ever expected it to be. Your situation seems like it would be even harder still.
My condolences. Know that my thoughts are with you and your wife.
Peter:
Just another grieving voice wishing the sincere hope that everything will be alright from this point forward for you, Kathleen, and the rest of the Davids.
In my prayers Peter and Kath
My condolences to you and Kathleen.
Peter and Kath,
I am truly sorry. There truly are no words I can come up with that I think would ease your pain, but I had to at least let you know that. I am truly sorry.
My deepest condolences to you and Kath.
I’m so sorry about what happened to you both. My wife and I went through the same thing at Christmas, though we needed the whole evacuation procedure. That’s when I discovered the “one in four” thing myself. And after mentioning it on my column, I then discovered so many people I knew had also miscarried. It’s not something people talk about openly, and I think they should, if only that when it happens to someone else, they don’t feel quite so alone. So thank you.
Peter, my condolences go out to you, your wife, and your family. My wife has had two with the most recent being just a couple of months ago. I’ve been there, man, and between the two miscarriages we had a wonderful son named Logan that is the center of our universe. Stay strong and be your wife’s rock. My thoughts are with you.
Brad
I have absolutely no idea what you are going through, but I know it can’t be easy for either of you. My thoughts are with you both.
I thank you for letting us sometimes selfish fans inside your world PAD. I just wish I could help ease some of that awful pain your family is going through. We all love you and will send up prayers, wishes, positive karma your way.
Carl
That’s 3 this week for us. 2 of our closest friends both had a miscarriage over the past few days and now Kathleen.
My wife and I also went through it a couple of years ago – not nice – but the body knows when something isn’t going right, so I guess it’s for the best in the long run, even if it doesn’t feel that way initially.
All the best to your whole family.
Simon.
That’s 3 this week for us. 2 of our closest friends both had a miscarriage over the past few days and now Kathleen.
My wife and I also went through it a couple of years ago – not nice – but the body knows when something isn’t going right, so I guess it’s for the best in the long run, even if it doesn’t feel that way initially.
All the best to your whole family.
Simon.
i am so sorry peter
my sister in law has had two miscarriages there is nothing more horrible
all my best to you and your family
Peter and Kath,
I wanted to be among the poeple who are sorry to hear about this bit of news. I agree that one in four seems high except for the fact that I have a brother and siter and my Mother had one miscarriage. Hope that you both recover from this soon.
Peter-
I am so sorry. I have no idea what you are feeling right now. My own mother miscarried years ago, but never talks about it.
I have no good words to say to this. No one should have to go through this. I can only offer you my thoughts and sympathies
Take care.
Josh
This is quite a shock. The first thing I thought of with the headline was cancer. I had no idea that miscarriages were this high. I hope you and Kath both find comfort in the next few days.
I’m really sorry for you both, Peter. There’s nothing more to say, really.
You and Kath will be in my thoughts and prayers during this time. You have my sympathies.
I am so very sorry for what has happened.
First, I’m amazed that you guys came through such a shock relatively “well.” That shows strength of character for both you and Kath. Your comics and novels have numerous examples of incredible strength of character — MacKenzie Calhoun, anyone? — but this shows what REAL character is. You *should* hurt, but you should also take pride in yourselves. Reasonable?
Second, it is wonderful that you supported Ariel so well and let her stay home from school. That was also incredible judgment in the middle of a crisis, and was such a great decision. Family is everything, and you’re setting such a clear example of that for your kids.
Third, I humbly suggest that you could do a little family getaway to a nice lake or other peaceful area for a 3-day weekend or similar … as soon as Kath is able of course. Hang your schedule, shelve the laptop, etc. Go and relish some quiet in nature and cherish peace in each other.
All of this is exactly what I would tell my brother or my best friend.
Fourth, I still owe you more info on somewhat recent antimatter research at NASA, from when I met you at DragonCon and bought some FNSM scripts. But that can wait …
Awwww! A little baby! The grief is understandable. I am SO sorry to hear that. I lurk on Kathleen’s blog from time to time too and as evidenced by how you guys love your kids this is quite a blow- planned or not.
Anyway I’m glad she’s all right and it’s not the dreaded “C” word, but I am sorry for your loss. Hang in there Kath.
My deepest sympathy to both of you. I’ve gone through this and watched my daughter and daughter-in-law experience it too… it hurts like hëll. The best advice – of sorts – I know of is to grieve for the life that was, even if you didn’t know it had begun. Feel the pain, hold onto each other and your family, and let the healing take its course. You both seem to be strong people… it will take time but you will heal. (hugs)
I’m sorry. My Wife had a miscarriage last year and it was devastating, moreso for her. I’m soorry again and wish you both well.
Joe V.
Peter, my wife and I experienced the same thing about 4 years ago. We knew we were pregant, tho that didn’t make it any easier. I don’t think there are three times in my life I’ve cried harder than that. While not a religious person I told myself that that little person just wasn’t ready to be with us. About a year and a half later, my beautiful daughter joined my wife, her big brother and me in the family. It was finally her time. THEN! We had twins. Turns out “whoever is up there” decided we needed the one we lost after all. I absolutely look at either one of the twins as the miscarried baby now being with us.
You’ll be ok, I know you will.
I can’t imagine how much that must suck. My condolences. So many bad things happen to good people.
However I’d heard that the number is closer to 50%, most of the time the miscarriages happen so early in the pregnancy that no one, even the mother, even notices.
I’m very sorry to read of your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with your family, PAD. — Matt
My deepest sympathies to you both. I don’t know if that helps, but given the many other posts saying the same thing, I hope that you understand you all have friends out here, concerned with you as human beings and not just as celebrities.
One in four. You’re right, that number is far too high, especially for what is supposed to be a country obsessed with health and sanitation. And when you think of countries where that isn’t true – where some families have may children – what would it be to live with higher miscarriage rates? What must it be like to be a woman facing that? Whoever called them the weaker sex?
My deepest condolences to you and your family.
Peter,
Jennifer and I send our deepest sympathies. Some time ago I posted on your blog that Jenn and I were expecting twins. We’ve recently learned that there is a 95% chance that we will lose one of them and, depending on the circumstances of its death, its death could threaten the health or life of the other twin. This is scaring the hëll out of us as we’re praying for the best but preparing for the worst.
I can’t imagine how much worse it is to be told that you’re the father of a new life and then, in the same breath, with no time for that realization to sink in and no time to prepare for the next bit of news, told that that life is no longer there.
Jenn said that the only thing that helps her feel any better at all since we got our news has been the hugs of family, friends and the people who care about us. She said to tell you that she sends a hug for Kath and, again, or deepest sympathies.
Jerry & Jennifer Chandler
My sympathies go out to you, Kathy and your entire family.
PAD,
My condolences to you both. To your entire family, in fact. I imagine this sad news must be equally hard on them as well.
Rick.
I’ll be praying for you both…Though you don’t know me, please let me know if there’s anything more I can do.
I am so sorry for you, Kath and the rest of your family. However, I’m sure that you’ll get through this. God be with you.
Peter, I wish I knew what to say. I can’t even claim to empathize because I’ve never been through anything remotely similar. I’ve no idea what you and your family must be going through right now.
For what it’s worth, however, you and your family will be in my prayers. I wish Kath a speedy physical recovery. I also devoutly hope that your journey towards emotional healing will be made easier through God’s grace and the support of loved ones.
I went through something similar and yet completely different a few years ago myself. God bless. My thoughts are with you and your family.
At this point I’m thinking the Chandlers are the ones with a far greater emotional row to hoe than Kath and I.
PAD
See, and I thought it was worse on your end.
Jenn and I are doing the best we can to see the fact that 95% against still leaves 5% for. We have hope. It’s slim, but it’s there.
To me, what happened to you, being told that you’re the father of a new life and that the life was gone in the same breath, is by far more of a kick in the gut then what we have.
Peter & Jerry: recently I was discussing my lifelong battle with sleep disorders in Colleen Doran’s blog. She remarked that what I had been through sounded like “torture.” I replied that my problems struck me as trivial compared with those of some people in this world. After all, there are people living in areas where there is no access to medical care, adequate food, or clean water. Colleen chided me for dismissing the gravity of my own problems, and told me, “Not being allowed to acknowledge you have a bad day, or express a bad feeling because someone in Bosnia always has a bad day and bad feelings doesn’t actually accomplish anything in the world.”
I don’t think either of you are quite going to that extreme, but nevertheless thought Colleen’s words would be worth passing along. Meeting a man with no feet may make your bunions seem like less of a burden… but bunions still hurt and it’s not overly selfish to acknowledge that.
Jerry, I didn’t mention your situation in my prior post in this thread because you had told me in a private e-mail that it’s painful to discuss. I’ve been trying to give you the space you and Jenn said you need right now. But let me reiterate here what I said in my most recent e-mail to you: you’re a friend, and therefore you may feel free to draw on me for as much or as little support as you need. Whatever, whenever: you have only to ask.