One in Four

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

This one is kind of difficult to talk about and will probably be difficult to read. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if Kath and I were going to be discussing it, but she said she wanted to, so I’m following her lead. I’m putting it below the cut line though so you can know in advance that this isn’t a typical blog entry.

Kath was having an unusually heavy period. So profuse was the bleeding, in fact, that her OBGYN’s office wanted us to take her to the local emergency room last night. One concern was that it was being caused by fibroid tumors; in any event they wanted to make sure the bleeding was brought under control since it was showing no signs of slowing.

We went to the local ER. She was checked in, hooked up to an IV, and they drew blood to run a work up on her. Over the long hours, the attending (whom we starred referring to as J.D. just to remember–we actually started naming all the assorted medical care folks after TV doctors–J.D., Elliot, House, etc.) did an internal, cleared away a bunch of the clots, and said he was going to start her on a medication to slow the bleeding.

Some time later he came back to us, looking rather surprised. “Did they go into detail at your doctor’s office as to possible causes?” he asked.

“They seemed most concerned about it being tumors,” she said.

He shook his head and said, “Your blood work came back positive for pregnancy. You’re having a miscarriage.”

We were stunned.

You know that whole “ninety five pecent effective” thing about contraception? Meet Mr. and Mrs. Five percent.

Kath sobbed profusely, emotions roiling, and I just stood there looking like I’d been hit in the face with a 2 x 4.

Anyway…

We left the hospital at 3 in the morning. Ariel was a trouper taking care of a fussy, “I want my mommy” Caroline until all hours, so we let her sleep in and then stay home from school while I drove Kath today to her OB/GYN. He did an ultrasound to make certain that no further work was required, which it wasn’t. Her uterus had effectively cleaned up after itself, and the bleeding is already in the process of tapering off.

“One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage,” he said.

I had no idea it was that high.

When you didn’t even know there was a baby in the mix…and then it’s gone…it’s like the biological equivalent of the Groucho Marx song, “Hello, I must be going.” Except without the whole being funny aspect.

As I said, I wasn’t sure if we should even be talking about this. But Kath decided that she wanted to, and if she’s going to then naturally I am too. I’m still not even sure how to feel about the whole thing. Right now my focus is on taking care of Kath and trying to make the next few days as stress free on her as possible.

PAD

149 comments on “One in Four”

  1. Thanks to your both Peter and Kath. A friend of mines daughter just went through a miscarriage this week, and I know this story will help her know that she’s not alone going through this 🙂 It hit her especially hard, as they are trying to have their first child.

  2. Dammit, PAD. So sorry, to both of you, to the whole family — can’t imagine how sudden and painful this is on both of you. And one in four? That’s astonishing and frightening. Am just glad Kath’s well and that she has a loving family to take care of her, to heal with her.

  3. I can only imagine how rough that must have been for you two to go through, and I’m sorry.

  5. My sympathies. We’re going thru IVF ourselves so all the stress, fears, hopes, emotions are a rolla-coaster ride with minimal safety straps. I’m with you, man.

  7. Kath and PAD,

    I’m sorry–that’s really rough. There’s really nothing I can offer except my prayers, which you most assuredly will have. I hope that the next handful of time allows you to find some peace and comfort, and allows you to go thru the grieving process.

    ~Chris

  8. Michael and I went through this in 1993.

    It’s okay for neither of you to know how you feel just now. There’s no right way to feel.

    Take care of each other and yourselves.

  9. For some, the miscarry rate is much higher than one in four. Heidi and I had five consecutive miscarriages, most occurring in precisely the manner you describe, although two of them required a D&C procedure to stop the hemorrhaging. But then after adopting two wonderful children, we got pregnant again quite by accident and carried to term with no problems whatsoever. If there’s a God, s/he has a twisted sense of humor.

    I know it’s difficult, but have faith that nature knows what she’s doing. :^)

  10. While my wife and I are currently enjoying are almost eight-week old baby, when she was about three months pregnant, she started to have an odd amount of bleeding and the doctor gave us the bad news concerning “1-in-4”. As such, as soon as I read that as this blog’s title, my chest caved in and my heart began to pour out sympathies. Please put those sympathies in a bottle and use them whenever you need to.

    Best,
    Chris Grillo

  11. You all have my sympathies. I wasn’t aware of those statistics either. I’m searching for something else to say to end this and drawing a blank, because nothing I can think of seems like it would be the least bit helpful, and some of the things I’ve thought to say seem trite. It’s times like this when I wish there was more I could do. I just hope things can eventually return to normal for all of you, especially Kath.

  12. Yes, I wish there was something I could say that could help in any way, but I doubt if that’s possible. My sympathies. Perhaps the words of people who have had similar experiences will be more helpful.

  15. My step-daughter Helen went through something like that in early 2005 – she knew she was pregnant (quite early) and then, between one doctor’s visit and the next – she wasn’t.

    (This while husband Steve was off getting in his training before heading out to Iraq.)

    But then Steve came home for leave before going Over There. They seem to be almost frighteningly fertile…

    So my grand daughter will be fourteen months old Monday.

    But the shock of that first one is still there in the background.

    My sincere sympathy and good hopes for both you and Kathleen.

  16. Wow. To find out the baby is there and already gone would be overwhelming. My sympathy and prayers.

    Iowa Jim

  17. Ye gods. Ðámņ, I’m sorry this has happened to all of you. You’re in my thoughts, all of you.

  18. For whatever support and help it lends, you’ll all be in my family’s prayers. Thank you for sharing.

  20. I’m normally not a praying man, my nickname aside, but I will be saying a prayer for your family tonight, Peter.

  22. My condolences Peter. I know how you feel. Our first child was to be twins, but one was lost before we even knew about it. The doctor sliped and pointed it our on my wifes first ultrasound before he even realized what it was, otherwise he never would have even told us.

  24. Having lived through 2 miscarriages with my wife, I know nothing that I say can help. Instead I only offer this: You and your whole family is obviously well loved. Many prayers will be said for you and your family.

  25. Just an additional thought, for your next writing gig you should considered writing a book on “How to be a Great and Loving Father and Supportive and Loving Husband.”

    I’d buy 2.

  26. Peter, I don’t even want to pretend that I can relate to the situation you’re both going through, so I will avoid any of the usual platitudes, which really don’t do much good Suffice to say, I send my very best wishes.

  27. Muc like you don’t know how to feel, I have no idea what I could say that would be at all helpful, but I feel I must say something. I’ll only say that your family is in my thoughts and you have all my best wishes.

  28. You, Kath and your family have my deepest condolences. There is nothing that can be said or done to make this time any easier but try to take comfort in the believe that our thought and prayers are with you.

  30. My condolences to you, Kathy and the family.

    There’s nothing I can say that would make the hurt go away, I can’t think of anything to even try.

  31. With my wife and I having been through a similar miscarriage, I understand the confusion over what you “should” be feeling. Understand that that is perfectly normal. It’s also absolutely normal to go through the regular phases of grief as well, so don’t fight it or think you’re being silly.

    Some people who haven’t been through the same experience just don’t _get_ that sometimes. That’s okay too, you hope they never have to.

    I’ll be thinking of you, Kath and your family over the next few days.

    Ecog

  33. Writers are supposed to find the right words to communicate feelings and emotions. “Sorry” just seems too small a word to have to carry the weight of so much sympathy. But it’s the best word I’ve got.

  34. Sorry. Stuff like this really puts the important things into perspective. Obviously nothing I say can make you feel better, but you have my condolences and it means a lot you’re willing to share something this personal. Keep on truckin’, Peter.

  35. I know how you feel. I had a similar experience.

    I had a miscarriage when I was 39, after my husband and me had tried in vain for a baby for years. It was emotionally very painful for me. My husband felt the loss very hard as well but he told me, there are two ways to look at this: I lost a baby but now we know that I am able to become pregnant. There is some hope.

    And he was right: Our daughter was born one year later, when I was 40. It is and amazing gift.

    Now she is four years old and two months ago, I am pretty sure, I had a near-pregnancy. It gave us an incentive to try harder. For example, I am losing more weight, which isn`t easy but it works so far. Who knows, maybe we will be lucky again. Blair`s wife had her youngest child with 45. But if not, we are very grateful that we have our Jennifer.

    I hope my story helps you to feel better about this.

  36. You have my deepest sympathies.

    My late brother and his wife lost their first child to a miscarriage. They and I knew about the pregnancy, so it was a different situation then yours, but I still remember how hard it was on them.

    The days ahead will be hard on you, but like anything, time heals all wounds. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that healing comes soon to you.

  37. Having gone through two miscarriages and an actual stillbirth with my wife, I know this type of unique pain that can’t otherwise be described without living through it. We have two beautiful girls now (one adopted), but I still can’t bring myself to look at the gown our stillborn son was dressed in before cremation that we keep in a ribboned container in our living room next to the ashes. I know so many others it’s happened to, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Condolences, Peter.

  39. Some good friends of mine had two miscarriages before finally giving birth, I too was shocked when I learned how common it is. I’m praying for both of you, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

  40. My prayers will be with you in this difficult time. Good luck. I cannot imagine what you must be going through.

  42. My prayers and thoughts are with you both. I can’t relate personally, other than to say that I’m a survivor of a 3-in-6 miscarriage rate with my mother– Her first, fourth, and sixth pregnancies to be exact.

    I was the fifth, and last successful, pregnancy and always felt that there was supposed to be “someone else” growing up. I even had an imaginary twin brother that no one knew about because it just seemed right that he should be there. In my 20s, my mother told me about the two miscarriages, I didn’t know about, which finally explained my feeling of absence. It wasn’t a twin who didn’t survive, it was my younger sibling.

    I’ll think of you both and your children tonight during the Mi Shebeirach and Mourner’s Kaddish.

    Daniel

  43. I’m so sorry to hear about this, PAD. I hope Kath is doing okay, now, physically and emotionally. As many others have said, a miscarriage is a deeply painful and personally tragic experience. My brother and his wife recently lost their first baby in the eighth month; there isn’t really any way to comfort a couple who go through this. But as others have said, we love you both, and our thoughts and prayers are with you.

    And Ariel is awesome; she seems so grown-up, mature, and reliable!

  45. Peter–

    I was going to tell you about the two that Stace had, but right now you don’t need that. Just know that I’m thinking of you both, and I can well imagine what you might be feeling, probably close to what I was when it happened.

    Don’t know if there’s anything, but if there is anything I can do, let me know.

    S.

  46. My heart goes out to both you and Kath. It must have been a terrible shock after shock. As long as she is doing all right now, that’s the important thing.

    Steve

  49. That’s some tough stuff, Mr. David. I can’t imagine just how confused your emotions are right now. However, I’m glad that Mrs. David is doing okay.

  50. Peter and Kath, there is absolutely nothing I can say to help ease the shock and pain of what you’re going thru. All I can offer is my deepest sympathies and the wish for extra strength for you during this ordeal.

    -Jeff

Comments are closed.