This one is kind of difficult to talk about and will probably be difficult to read. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if Kath and I were going to be discussing it, but she said she wanted to, so I’m following her lead. I’m putting it below the cut line though so you can know in advance that this isn’t a typical blog entry.
Kath was having an unusually heavy period. So profuse was the bleeding, in fact, that her OBGYN’s office wanted us to take her to the local emergency room last night. One concern was that it was being caused by fibroid tumors; in any event they wanted to make sure the bleeding was brought under control since it was showing no signs of slowing.
We went to the local ER. She was checked in, hooked up to an IV, and they drew blood to run a work up on her. Over the long hours, the attending (whom we starred referring to as J.D. just to remember–we actually started naming all the assorted medical care folks after TV doctors–J.D., Elliot, House, etc.) did an internal, cleared away a bunch of the clots, and said he was going to start her on a medication to slow the bleeding.
Some time later he came back to us, looking rather surprised. “Did they go into detail at your doctor’s office as to possible causes?” he asked.
“They seemed most concerned about it being tumors,” she said.
He shook his head and said, “Your blood work came back positive for pregnancy. You’re having a miscarriage.”
We were stunned.
You know that whole “ninety five pecent effective” thing about contraception? Meet Mr. and Mrs. Five percent.
Kath sobbed profusely, emotions roiling, and I just stood there looking like I’d been hit in the face with a 2 x 4.
Anyway…
We left the hospital at 3 in the morning. Ariel was a trouper taking care of a fussy, “I want my mommy” Caroline until all hours, so we let her sleep in and then stay home from school while I drove Kath today to her OB/GYN. He did an ultrasound to make certain that no further work was required, which it wasn’t. Her uterus had effectively cleaned up after itself, and the bleeding is already in the process of tapering off.
“One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage,” he said.
I had no idea it was that high.
When you didn’t even know there was a baby in the mix…and then it’s gone…it’s like the biological equivalent of the Groucho Marx song, “Hello, I must be going.” Except without the whole being funny aspect.
As I said, I wasn’t sure if we should even be talking about this. But Kath decided that she wanted to, and if she’s going to then naturally I am too. I’m still not even sure how to feel about the whole thing. Right now my focus is on taking care of Kath and trying to make the next few days as stress free on her as possible.
PAD
• 
Jerry, remember that sometimes the long shot come through. As an Aspie (Asperger’s Syndrome), there was a 30% chance my first child would be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and only an 8% chance that child would have full-blown Kanner’s autism. This chance was further reduced when the ultrasound revealed she was a girl – three-fourths of autistics are male.
Guess what her official diagnosis is?
Point being, that 5% chance you’ve got may not be quite as farfetched as you’ve feared – and for what it’s worth, we’ll be praying for you, too (Peter and Kath got into the prayers when we read the post).
(Hope you don’t mind, PAD – I mean, we’re not Jewish or anything, but the Guy we pray to was!)
Peter, I’m so very sorry for the both of you. At least Kathleen is healthy, and the two of you can still gaze on the beautifully adorable face of the child that you have together, as well as your other kids and family members. You’re two strong people, and I know you’ll get through this, and be even stronger for it. May all your future trips to doctors be filled with joy and happiness.
My condolences on your loss.
I’m told my grandmother had two miscarriages in her lifetime. She miscarried her first, had my mother, then my aunt, and miscarried the last. I’m told she always referred to the two she lost as her boys, to match her two girls, I think.
One of my managers at work had a miscarriage last week. In her case, though, it was a bit of a hellish experience. She was told at the six-week check-up that the baby had, along with a genetic defect, congestive heart failure which would kill her before birth. So my manager spent the last few months of her pregnancy basically preparing herself emotionally for a stillbirth.
May God give us His strength in our hours of need.
Chris
Hearing about miscarriages always makes me wonder if my mother would have had me if she hadn’t miscarried my nascent brother-to-be several months into her pregnancy. I’m pretty sure they were stopping at the third child, so it’s a little unnerving to think of.
With no children of my own and none planned, I cannot imagine the emotions you are feeling. Thank you for sharing this with us – your fans and friends. Take care.
Jerry, I hope the odds thathave treated Peter and Kath so harshly will be kinder to you and your wife.
All the stories on this thread are very sad and very humbling. I have never come close to any similar experience myself, but looking back to the previous generations of my family it seems as if that such stories are have always been there in one way or another.
We recently found a poem written by my great-grandfather for a son he lost about a 100 years ago. 4 others went on to have familes of their own, including my grandmother and mother with their stories. This is very humbling to me.
Jerry, what Bill Myers said speaks for many of us.
We have become so protected by medicine from the harsh realities of human existence that it comes as a shock to see the statistics on miscarriages. Reading accounts of our ancestors reveals the death of children as a regular event but now it’s a rare tragedy. Most of us are poorly prepared for even the possibility. I know I am. Seeing Peter and Jerry handle and openly discuss these things helps give strength to those who may face similar hardships in the future and I thank you for your courage in doing so.
On a much lighter note:
Meeting a man with no feet may make your bunions seem like less of a burden… but bunions still hurt and it’s not overly selfish to acknowledge that
That reminded me of two lines, one from Jacky Handey, the other, conversely, not: I cried because I had no starter fluid, until I met a man who had no chainsaw. and Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them.
And then there’s Steven Wright: “Once I saw a man walking down the street with wooden legs and real feet.”
More seriously … Jerry, our thoughts and best wishes are with you. Odds are odds for a reason: people can and do beat ’em.
TWL
Wow, my condolences and sympathies. My wife and I had thought we might never have kids, preferring to be dinks (double income no kids). However, she got sick last year and bang, she was pregnant. She had a pretty bad miscarriage 2.5 months in, and we realized we wanted kids. We waited, tried again last summer and she had another bad miscarriage again. We both thought something was wrong with one or both of us, but then we heard what you did, that 1 in 4 miscarry. I still have trouble beleiving it, but after hearing since that my mother, grandmother and mother-in-law all had several miscarriages, its a sobering fact of life we have to accept. I can only imagine that it makes you appreciate the kids you do have, though. That’s the thought that is going to keep us going as we try a third time this year. God bless.
My deepest sympathies to both of you.
Mike Hintze, good luck.
It’s obvious just from our little sampling size here that this is an issue that far more people have to deal with than most would expect. It just doesn’t get talked about much, leaving people to think they are alone.
Adoption is a similar, though far happier issue. When my ex-wife and I adopted our oldest daughter, the beautiful Amanda, it seemed like people came out of the woodworks to tell us about their adoption stories. Several of my best friends told me they were adopted, which was something I’d never known.
Bloggers get a bad rap for narcissistic behavior, talking about every detail of their lives. There is some truth to that but it’s a definite good thing that we are becoming a more open society regarding the good and bad that can befall us. Nobody should have to go through these things alone.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Kath.
Brian
Mike, good luck to you and your wife. My mom miscarried twice before I was born (and then lost another child at age three weeks between my and my younger brother — it was a hard road, no question, but in the end it did work out. (As for whether she appreciates the kids she has, you’ll have to ask her. 🙂
TWL
Geez.
My most heartfelt sympathies to you both.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish your family comfort. You will be in my prayers.
Psalm 139 (everyone clings to the other Psalm, but I find comfort in this one, so I’ll leave it with you.)
Barry
I haven’t responded to this post for a long time because I didn’t quite know what I could say. I can’t imagine what the two of you are going through, but I know you have great kids who love you and a lot of good people (on and offline) who care as well. My deepest sympathies for your loss and my fondest hopes for your future.
Stacy
My wife and I have been trying for a second child, but she’s had three miscarriages in 18 months. We thus found out that the percentage really is high; many women and mothers we know, once we told them the news, also revealed their own dissapointments. We have a circle of freinds with (counts mentally) fourteen five and unders, but the amounts of miscarriages is considerably higher.
So knowing that miscarriages are common was a small balm, but that doesn’t stop my wife from feeling that sense of loss. My condolances to Kath and you.
It’s more common than most people realize, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
My most sincere sympathies and well-wishes to both of you.
–Daryl
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your wife and your families.
My deepest sympathies to you and your family. You and Kath will be in my thoughts.
Sorry, hope it all gets behind soon and does not affect you negatively.
Much sympathy, Peter. Miscarriage sucks.
Mike, good luck with your efforts. My wife has friends who’ve had several miscarrages, and persavered, and now have beautiful children. I can’t say from experience that it’s worth it, but I do know that my son is the greatest source of joy in my life, and I can’t imagine that anyone would ever say that the heartache and frustration you and your wife must be dealing with will not all vanish the first time you look upon your child.
Jerry, we’ll add you and your family to our prayers. Odds are just numbers…life is far stronger than people give it credit for. We’re in the last two weeks’ of my daughter’s gestation, and I’ll be a nervous wreck until she decides to pop out. Then I’ll be deliriously happy for a couple days, and then I’ll be worried sick again about SIDs and such…
ah, who’m I kidding…I’d be worried about my kids if they were 40.
My deepest condolences and sympathies to you and your family.
i am so very, very sorry
My sympathies as well to Peter & Kathleen, and to the Chandler’s.
My wife and I have no kids, and no plans for kids, so I’ve never really dwelled on the “what ifs” of this kind of situation.
Dear Peter and Kathleen…
I wish I had something more clever or poignant to offer than my deepest sympathies, and prayers for all of you in the days to come.
On Saturday night, my family gathered to celebrate my mother’s 91st birthday (just four days after she renewed her driver’s license). Among the people there was my newest grand-niece, Katie, who is about 6 months old. I had read this blog entry, Peter, before joining them. And it made me think how lucky my family has been with its children so far. But it also helped me to feel your pain and Katherine’s. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope it’s something the two of you never have to experience again.
Sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your wife.
Peter, my wife miscarried in December 04. If you ever figure out how to feel, let me know, and if I ever figure it out, I’ll let you and everyone else in on it.
I love my new son, and I would never in my life wish for him not to be here, but, sometimes in the night out on the road, I wonder “what if?”
Blessings be to you and Kathy.
“Grief is the price we pay for loving.
“It’s a high price, but it’s worth it.” — Douglas McEwan
I am so sorry for your loss.
Peter, this seems a little strangely personal for me to be reading, but this is the Internet and, well, so it goes. I wish I was around to give you guys a hug. Just know that I’m thinking about you both out here.
I just want to say I am sorry for your loss. I went through a very similar occurrence back in the late 60s. NO one spoke to you back then if you’d had a miscarriage. Like the little one never existed. Now it’s ok to grieve and that is as it should be. It’s a life that didn’t happen for whatever reason and it should be mourned.
It’s amazing the curve balls life will throw without warning. Our hearts and sympathies go out to you. My cousins miscarried at 5 months, which was most difficult. You’ll be in our prayers.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was going to comment about when my fiance’s doctor had her go on the pill when she had a similar experience with the bleeding, she was not pregnant though, but when I read further down I was just floored. My condolences.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was going to comment about when my fiance’s doctor had her go on the pill when she had a similar experience with the bleeding, she was not pregnant though, but when I read further down I was just floored. My condolences.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was going to comment about when my fiance’s doctor had her go on the pill when she had a similar experience with the bleeding, she was not pregnant though, but when I read further down I was just floored. My condolences.
I am so sorry to hear this news. I’ve been lurking on your blog for a while now and just wanted to post to let you know that I will be thinking of your family and praying for strength, peace, courage and healing for you, Kath and all the family.
My deepest sympathies, good sir.
*sniff… So sorry for your loss. Truly a sad time for you. I have a similar story. (Which won’t lessen the pain of yours.) Stay strong, give each other a lot of hugs. Sincerely, from a stranger, I wish you peace.
deepest sympathy
That’s just….that’s just really sad.
My deepest sympathies to you all.
To everybody who has sent kind words and thoughts our way, thank you. I passed them on to Jenn.
To Peter and Kathleen,
My prayers are with you. Peter, your quick story of your weight loss efforts has encouraged me during my time of life changing (not diet).
I hope the stories of others who have shared their experiences provides comfort for you both and them in sharing.
To Jerry and Jennifer, my prayers are with you as well. Take care of your twins, they will take care of each other, and my hopes for two healthy beautiful babies.
Until later
John Wilson
Wow. I miss a few days…
Most people don’t have any idea the rate is nearly that high because it occurs early enough for most that they think it’s just a heavy period.
Peter, you and Kath will certainly me in my prayers.
Jerry, I’ll be doing my best to send good vibes your way as well.
-Rex Hondo-
Peter, so sorry to hear the news, my wife and I had a similar scenario happen to us awhile back…
She was about 8 weeks pregnant at the time, and started coplaining of stomach pains, so we went to the ER. They ran some tests, came back in their good time (as doctors are wont to do) and told us she had miscarried. Obviously we were devastated, and were making arrangements for her to go see an OB/GYN, when the doctor came back and told us to wait…the lab had screwed up her blood test, the baby was perfectly fine and the pregnancy was healthy.
For 4 hours, I went through what I must imagine you’re going through now, trust me when I say I know how you feel. I only wish you and Kath’s story could have had an ending more like mine and Katie’s.
Please give Kath our love, and remember that time heals all wounds. I know that’s a pretty flimsy condolence when you need something more, but it’s still very true.
Peter, so sorry to hear the news, my wife and I had a similar scenario happen to us awhile back…
She was about 8 weeks pregnant at the time, and started coplaining of stomach pains, so we went to the ER. They ran some tests, came back in their good time (as doctors are wont to do) and told us she had miscarried. Obviously we were devastated, and were making arrangements for her to go see an OB/GYN, when the doctor came back and told us to wait…the lab had screwed up her blood test, the baby was perfectly fine and the pregnancy was healthy.
For 4 hours, I went through what I must imagine you’re going through now, trust me when I say I know how you feel. I only wish you and Kath’s story could have had an ending more like mine and Katie’s.
Please give Kath our love, and remember that time heals all wounds. I know that’s a pretty flimsy condolence when you need something more, but it’s still very true.
Peter, so sorry to hear the news, my wife and I had a similar scenario happen to us awhile back…
She was about 8 weeks pregnant at the time, and started coplaining of stomach pains, so we went to the ER. They ran some tests, came back in their good time (as doctors are wont to do) and told us she had miscarried. Obviously we were devastated, and were making arrangements for her to go see an OB/GYN, when the doctor came back and told us to wait…the lab had screwed up her blood test, the baby was perfectly fine and the pregnancy was healthy.
For 4 hours, I went through what I must imagine you’re going through now, trust me when I say I know how you feel. I only wish you and Kath’s story could have had an ending more like mine and Katie’s.
Please give Kath our love, and remember that time heals all wounds. I know that’s a pretty flimsy condolence when you need something more, but it’s still very true.
Wow. I’m so sorry to hear this. Just keep doing what you’re already doing – be there for her. And take care of yourself.