This just in…

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

In a tragic setback in Iraq, it was announced today that a dog ate the just completed Iraqi constitution.

“We finished it, honest to god,” said assembly speaker Hajim al-Hasani, looking greatly chagrined and scuffing his toe. “It was all done, we had it, we just needed that extra day to make it look really good. And then we were carrying it to work and this dog just came out of nowhere. It barked and scared us, and I was so startled that I dropped the constitution. Next thing we knew, it was in this dog’s mouth and he was running away with it, chewing on it.”

The constitution and dog have eluded capture. Authorities believe that the dog may have been associated with insurrectionists, since there have been several instances of dogs being employed as suicide bombers.

Fox News reported CIA suspicions that protestor Cindy Sheehan may have been behind the theft, stopping at nothing to make President George W. Bush look bad.

“I sympathize with the Iraqi assembly,” President Bush stated from his annual one month vacation in Crawford, Texas. “I remember when a dog ate my copy of the Bill of Rights and the Geneva Convention. We still haven’t gotten over that one.”

With the Iraqi assembly now having to start all over again, a new delivery date for the Constitution is uncertain since they’ll have to re-create it from memory.

PAD

129 comments on “This just in…”

  2. Heh. Very nice.

    since there have been several instances of dogs being employed as suicide bombers.

    What’s really sad is that this part is true.

    TWL

  3. “Since there have been several instances of dogs being employed as suicide bombers.

    What’s really sad is that this part is true.”

    Yeah, I know.

    Good time to be a cat owner. Strap a bomb to a dog and tell him to run into a crowded area, and the poor thing will do it. Try it with a cat, and it’s just as likely to pick that moment to crawl into your lap and hold on until the bomb goes off.

    PAD

  4. Good time to be a cat owner. Strap a bomb to a dog and tell him to run into a crowded area, and the poor thing will do it. Try it with a cat, and it’s just as likely to pick that moment to crawl into your lap and hold on until the bomb goes off.

    Depends on the cat — I’ve known some that’d crawl into your lap, wriggle out of the straps, then run away leaving you with the bomb. (Gotta love Maine Coons.)

    TWL

  5. Peter, I’m really annoyed that you misrepresented Fox News and their reporting that their was a connection between Mrs. Sheehan and the dog when nothing could be further from the truth and you know it. What Fox News actually said was that Mrs. Sheehan was in fact associating with Michael Moore, who in turn is allied with MoveOn.org, who on their website have reportedly been urging Iraqi dogs to engage in active protests against the interim government, be it eating constitutions or any other form of documentation. Fox News went on to point out that it was widely believed that it was a member of the terrier family that actually ate the master list outlining the location and size of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, thus giving the Bush government a black eye when they weren’t able to find those weapons witout said list.

    In the future Peter, we’d all be very grateful if you could report the facts accurately instead of going for cheap laughs at the expense of our president.

  7. Complete rubbish. Unbelievable.

    you expect me to swallow that Bush only takes one month of vacation a year?

  8. I can hear President Bush already:

    “We must do everything we can to stop these terrierists!”

  11. “In the future Peter, we’d all be very grateful if you could report the facts accurately instead of going for cheap laughs at the expense of our president.”

    With all due respect, Mr. Nazarro, I don’t ever remember asking you to speak for me.

  12. I donut care what side of the fence you call home, this is funny! ^_^

    And Mark L gets second place. 😀

  15. Fox News went on to point out that it was widely believed that it was a member of the terrier family that actually ate the master list outlining the location and size of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, thus giving the Bush government a black eye when they weren’t able to find those weapons witout said list.

    Fox News has since reported that the constitution was in fact eaten by a poodle.

    Never trust those French dogs.

  16. I am a gigantic fan of Peter David but I really don’t think humor is appropriate here. Over eighteen hundred Americans and only god knows how many Iraqis, journalists and various foreign solders have died in this pointless war. I don’t blame the president as he is simply carrying out the mandate of the people that voted him into office. All that said though I must admit I did smile and laugh at reading Peter blog before the guilt kicked in really hard so maybe I’m being overcritical of Peter.

  17. Well, Lester, after 5 years of this guy in office, all I have to say is that if we didn’t laugh, we’d cry.

    Also, I admit that maybe my memory of the 2000 election may be fuzzy, but I don’t recall Bush campaigning on the “I promise to invade Iraq on the most specious reasons possible and then giggle in front of the camaeras daily as our troops sink into an escapable quagmire” platform. So, I’m sure if he is acting on the mandate of the people who elected him.

    Someone poll the Supreme Court on that question, please.

  18. Lester: This isn’t a thread about the war or the dead (on both sides!) this is a thread about the government (bboth American and Iraqi) saying “WE WILL GET THIS DONE BY THIS DATE.” and then not doing it. They didn’t do it but the sun still came up, the world continues to spin. I think PAD was just poking fun at that attitude of WE MUST GET THIS DONE BY AUGUST 18th OR ELSE!!!!”

    Den: Stupid dogs!

  19. Den: He’s acting on the mandate of the corporations that supported him in his bid to become president!

    Does anyone else think the only reason he got elected was because his dad used to be head of the CIA and so knows where all the bodies are buried? Do you suppose Sr. flipped a coin:
    “OK, heads, it’ll be Jeb, tails, Dubbya. Tails”

    “WOO HOO, In yer face Jeb! Mom always like me better too!”

  20. What about Neil?

    Poor Marvin, all he got was mom telling the world about his Krohn’s disease.

    Oh, and that should have said INescapable quagmire.” Ðámņìŧ.

  22. This whole thing is emblematic of the US’s prediliction for trying to impose our solutions on situations where they don’t necessarily fit….*sigh*

  23. In the future Peter, we’d all be very grateful if you could report the facts accurately instead of going for cheap laughs at the expense of our president.

    Not me. I much prefer the cheap laughs at the expense of our president.

  25. Forgive me, this has nothing to do with the (admittedly hilarious) posting about doggie terrorists…just a letter directly to Peter David, and some questions on writing…

    I know you probably get an obnoxious amount of fan e-mail every day (and I know that an obnoxious number of those e-mails probably start with “I know you probably get an obnoxious amount of fan e-mail every day”…I could go on in this vein, but then I’d run the risk of inadvertently opening some sort of temporal vortex…)

    …BUT I just saw the link to your website listed in the latest issue of WIZARD, and I simply had to write. When I was growing up, your were one of my very favorite comic scribes and novelists. I read and re-read (and re-re-read) all your amazing, humorous and touching stories about Troi, Riker and Q. I pored over VENDETTA so much that the pages turned yellow and the cover fell off (that book was my most prized possession throughout grade school…it finally left my hands, when I gave it to my best friend and fellow Borg fanatic, in the hope that it would blow his mind the way it did my own). THE SIEGE became, not only the definitive DS9 story to me, but also a future horror writer’s first real encounter with a writer’s power to shock and terrify (I didn’t discover Stephen King until I was much, much older). And although “The X-Cutioner’s Song” remains one of the coolest and most solid story events in X-history, your contributions were what added the depth and elements of human (or post-human) drama that really captivated me.

    But the very first story of yours I ever picked up and read remains the most amazing to me: the novelization of THE ROCKETEER. When the movie came out, I carried that book around with me everywhere. To this day, whenever I put in the movie (still excellent after all these years), my mind can’t help but fill in the blanks between scenes with the fantastic little moments you added (like the Wicked Witch bumping into Secord on the movie set, and Clark Gable scoffing at the young comic-reading P.A. for thinking a man could fly).

    Now, as an adult (and a riter in my own wright…no, wait, that’s not how that’s supposed to look…), I recently found the trade paperback of MADROX: MULTIPLE CHOICE at Wizard World Chicago, and I immediately bought it and read it that very night. I was delighted to rediscover, not only the characters I enjoyed so much as a child, but also the unfailing talent of the man who brought them to life.

    Because I almost never write fan letters like these to my favorite creators, I’m also compelled to take this opportunity to ask some questions about our chosen field. (Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask the dreaded “Where do you get your ideas?” My favorite answer to this question was provided by Robertson Davies: “Sit down, take out a blank sheet of paper, and at the top, write, ‘Once upon a time.’ If you can’t think of anything to write after that, then you’re not a writer. End of story.”)

    All professional writers offer their eager acolytes the familiar advice, “A ‘writer’ writes…write every day, always be writing something, if only to keep in practice.” To say “I have taken this advice to heart” would imply that I had some choice in the matter. The truth is, I sit down at my computer to write every day, simply to purge the various banalities of the day and because I must exorcise my ideas and emotions onto the screen/page. Often I develop my own characters and mythologies, and I also frequently indulge my vanity by writing stories featuring established characters (Punisher, Sabretooth, even Batman) that, I am sure, will never see the light of day, just to keep in practice. So being prolific is hardly a problem for me. Likewise, I’ve read Dennis O’Neil’s guide to writing comics, and I’ve scanned the published comic scripts of Grant Morrison, Briand Michael Bendis and the like, so proper formatting is the least of my concerns.

    However, in the year since I graduated (from Columbia College Chicago, with a B.A. in Directing and Screenwriting), I’ve come to realize how unfriendly the comic book industry is to aspiring writers. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, since I know from experience that most of the “writers” of my generation can’t spell out a coherent and grammatically-correct sentence, let alone frame any sort of dramatically-captivating tale with a relevent theme to it. (I’m immensely frustrated by this, as I come from a family of editors and book people.) But–as Wizard World demonstrated all-too-clearly–artists in this field are given an infinite number of opportunities to showcase their work while seeking employment, and although the “Digital Webbing” site has led me to a couple of low-paying gigs (the published results of which I have yet to see, and I doubt whether I ever will), it’s often difficult for me to feel like I’m making any genuine professional progress. The natural impatience of my youth (and the constant bombardment of our increasingly youth-obsessed culture) make it hard not to feel like I’m toiling in utter obscurity at 23, with no end in sight. (But like Charlie Kaufman and Mark Millar, I try to let these feelings FUEL my writing, rather than discourage it.)

    So, in a nutshell, what advice would you offer someone like me? I’m immensely tempted to ask whether you’d be willing to read some of my work (the work on established characters, because then there wouldn’t be issues of ideas and properties, since the characters clearly aren’t mine to begin with). But such a request would doubtless seem rather impertinent, as I’m sure you have many projects you’re currently laboring on, and probably wouldn’t have time to peruse fan fiction. Still, any insight you could offer would earn my eternal gratitude.

    But meanwhile, Thanks for the Memories…

    Joshua Bermont

  26. I don’t blame the president as he is simply carrying out the mandate of the people that voted him into office.

    When 25% (or so) of the voting population equals a mandate, you know this country is up Shìŧ Creek.

    And not just because of the math involved.

  27. Craig,

    Welcome to the wonderful world of a fat and lazy electorate. Turnout is typically low in most western countries. The last election we hit nearly 60% of registered voters – a record in the last several decades. In Texas we have early voting – so Election Day is really almost two weeks long. Even with that, a lot of people just don’t care, or don’t think there’s enough difference between the parties.

  28. Even with that, a lot of people just don’t care, or don’t think there’s enough difference between the parties.

    Oh, I know, but it’s just another reason to despise Bush and those that use the argument.

    Mandates tend to come from majorities. True majorities.

  29. Dennis Miller had the right idea in one of his rants…

    Move Election Day to April 15. Pay your taxes and vote at the same time. We’ll see how many of these scumbags keep their cushy jobs…

  30. I’m sure most of you have heard this idea before, but wouldn’t it be nice if voting was manditory? If people didn’t want to vote, they could spoil their ballot or pay a fine, say $250.00 not to vote.

  31. “Last week I got my new bumper sticker:

    FRODO FAILED

    BUSH HAS THE RING”

    OMG- That’s awesome!

  32. Posted by: Hermann at August 16, 2005 01:37 PM
    “I’m sure most of you have heard this idea before, but wouldn’t it be nice if voting was manditory? If people didn’t want to vote, they could spoil their ballot or pay a fine, say $250.00 not to vote.”

    Don’t you think that people who refuse to vote are already making the greatest contribution to the democratic process of which they are capable?

    Steve Leavell

  34. Good time to be a cat owner. Strap a bomb to a dog and tell him to run into a crowded area, and the poor thing will do it. Try it with a cat, and it’s just as likely to pick that moment to crawl into your lap and hold on until the bomb goes off.

    Too dámņëd true (I write as I have two cats trying to occupy my lap at the same time).

    And Lester, if you think that’s offensive, you certainly shouldn’t hang around with any combat vets, cuz they’re raunchier, rowdier, and ruder than anything PAD has ever said here. Humour is what gets you thru it.

    -Kelly

  36. I thought Bush was pushing for an amendment against man dates. (Okay, so it’s not nearly as good as Mark’s “terrierist” comment…)

    As for “Bush has the Ring”, I have to disagree. He thinks he’s got it, but it’s a fake. Cheney’s got the real one, which is why the “undisclosed location” is so easy to come up with. He can actually be at Bush’s side the whole time.

    TWL

  37. Mike (going way back in the comments),

    Peter didn’t say that Bush takes only one month of vacation a year, he said he was on his annual one month vacation in Crawford. He didn’t say anything about any of the two week vacations in Crawford, or the one month vacation in Kennebunkport, or any of many vacations of other lengths.

  38. “So, in a nutshell, what advice would you offer someone like me? I’m immensely tempted to ask whether you’d be willing to read some of my work (the work on established characters, because then there wouldn’t be issues of ideas and properties, since the characters clearly aren’t mine to begin with). But such a request would doubtless seem rather impertinent, as I’m sure you have many projects you’re currently laboring on, and probably wouldn’t have time to peruse fan fiction. Still, any insight you could offer would earn my eternal gratitude.”

    This is going to sound unspeakably cheesy, and I apologize in advance, but the best thing I can suggest for you is…buy my book. “The Art of Writing Comics” will be published in June 2006 by Impact Books/F&W Publishing. I pretty much give you all the advice on writing comics that I can think of, plus comments from various publishers on submitting material to them (and I even explain why I can’t and don’t read material from fans; sorry.)

    If you want to discus it further, feel free to write me at padguy@aol.com.

    PAD

  39. What happens when you make voting mandatory is that the people who don’t care enough about politics to vote under your current system would now make their choices based on the most stupid of reasons. Like, because candidate A is more handsome than candidate B, or because I have a co-worker that is a pain and since he supports A I’ll vote for B, etc.

    Now people who don’t vote because they know politics but are disgusted by both parties would just go there and cast some kind of null vote (not sure if American voting machines allow for this possibility now, but if voting is mandatory, they should, no one should be *forced* to choose the less evil of a limited list of candidates).

    So, I suppose I envy America this. Non-mandatory voting is the way to go. Better this than to let people who aren’t really interested make the choice for you.

    >I’m sure most of you have heard this idea before, but wouldn’t it be nice if voting was manditory? If people didn’t want to vote, they could spoil their ballot or pay a fine, say $250.00 not to vote.

  40. Ok, that was funny. It is totally divorced from the true facts of the case, but you made a better case for your side in a few short sentences than whole websites I have gone to. So well done, even if I disagree.

    Iowa Jim

  41. I can hear President Bush already:

    “We must do everything we can to stop these terrierists!”

    Mark L wins today!

  42. I am a gigantic fan of Peter David but I really don’t think humor is appropriate here.

    Actually, I think humor — or perhaps more accurately, sarcasm — is exactly what is needed here. Skillful use of this tool helps set forth a point of view far better than if PAD had ranted and raved about Bush, etc. This was not a cheap joke for a comedy show, this was a well conceived political statement packaged in a way to ensure it conveyed PAD’s point of view. While I may disagree with the view, you can’t help but admire the skill involved in crafting this “humor.”

    If you don’t believe me, just try to do it yourself. But I would suggest practicing first on friends before posting it here! 🙂

    Iowa Jim

  43. PAD, and SEVERAL subsequent posters (including Joe Nazzaro – anybody who took his “annoyance” at PAD seriously didn’t read his post that closely) – LOL!!

  44. I don’t think the Vice-President is wearing the Ring while next to President Bush. The phrase they usually use is SECURE undisclosed location. Considering Bush has no sense of balance and can barely swallow a pretzel, being right next to him is hardly secure.

  45. What happens when you make voting mandatory is that the people who don’t care enough about politics to vote under your current system would now make their choices based on the most stupid of reasons. Like, because candidate A is more handsome than candidate B, or because I have a co-worker that is a pain and since he supports A I’ll vote for B, etc.

    I’d say that half of American voters pick their candidates based on reasons like those already.

    See: The election of George W. Bush.

    Now people who don’t vote because they know politics but are disgusted by both parties would just go there and cast some kind of null vote (not sure if American voting machines allow for this possibility now, but if voting is mandatory, they should, no one should be *forced* to choose the less evil of a limited list of candidates).

    You always have the option to write-in someone else if you don’t like any of the candidates. I’ve written my own name in for Congress several times.

  46. “You always have the option to write-in someone else if you don’t like any of the candidates. I’ve written my own name in for Congress several times.”

    The problem with that option is that it is, while amusing and momentarily gratifying, a completely meaningless gesture within the context of the electoral college system.

    The reason a lot of people don’t vote is that the system is simply broken. It’s an outdated relic of a system where, regardless of what we may be told, a lot of people’s votes simply don’t count.

    *shrug* but I think I’ve gone a little far afield of the original thread. Sorry, just kind of a hot button topic for me…

    -Rex Hondo-

  47. Sadly, the use of animals as suicide bombers was first used by the USA against Germany in World War 2. They strapped tiny bombs onto bats (!) and dropped them over Germany, thinking that they would go into barns and dislodge the attached devices, setting fire to German farmland and crippling their food supply.

    Tragically, the plan did not work. The bats fell asleep at the cold temperatures of the high flying planes and fell straight down, blowing up and sending bits of fledermaus all over confused German farmers.

    And if this is some urban legend I DON’T want you to tell me. I don’t care if Davey Crockett died like a coward, screaming out “Shoot the women and children but let me live!” but dámņ it, I want my exploding World War 2 bats.

  48. As a country that prides itself on being “The Land of the Free,” it would be a bit silly if it’s citizens weren’t free NOT to vote. Right?

    Not to mention to be free from the reoccuring nightmare of never having your favorite candidate win! ::grumbles::

    Oh.. and one thing about cats and bombs. What self-respecting cat would stand still while a bomb was belted to it? I say that the bomb explodes as the terrorist attempts to coax the kitty out from under the bed. 😉

  49. “but dámņ it, I want my exploding World War 2 bats.”

    I can confirm that that is a true story. I got it from a guy who worked in the OSS during the war.

    My favorite “odd weapon” story, though, is the one about what I like to call “the all-American Grenade.”

    It seems that at the begining of WWII, a lot of our boys were having trouble working the British grenades. So some smart guy invents a “baseball” grenade. It was about the size of a baseball, and would arm itslf when thrown, and detonate when it hit the ground. Apparently the inventor resoned that the one thing every Red Blooded ‘Merican boy know how to do was throw a baseball.

    So, they gather the troops for a demonstration of this wonderful new weapon, and the demonstrator hands one to a nearby sargeant while he commences explaining the workings of this weapon. However, what is the first thing any Red Blooded ‘Merican boy is gonna do with a baseball? He is going to throw it up in the air (arming it) and catch it. (BOOOM!)

    It was discontinued.

  50. It’s a little known fact that the officer in charge of the abortive bats operation was heard to say afterwards, “As God is my witness, I thought bats could fly.”

    TWL

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