So I had the TV on just for background noise while I was working, and suddenly some TV doctor comes on and starts talking about how–if you feel tingling or heaviness in your legs–you may have peripheral artery disease, or P.A.D.
That got my attention. I looked up and watched in annoyance as the doctor proceeded to tell you everything you can and should do (including, of course, buying a particular product) in order to combat the terrible hazard that is P.A.D. And there’s my initials all over the commercial. “Beware of P.A.D.” “Know the early warning signs so you can avoid P.A.D.” “P.A.D., the silent killer.”
At least it’s not something that requires a rectal exam to detect. “Make sure your doctor sticks his finger up your butt to see if there’s any warning signs of P.A.D. in there.”
PAD
• 
Could have been worse; Penile Atrophy Disorder, Pustulous Anal Discharge…you got off easy.
Yeah, I saw that ad at work last night and I just though that it’s a dámņ shame. Look at it this way, though. You can tell people that you always were a leg man….
PAD…. silent, but deadly? *ba ba bummm*
Count your blessings:
Chris Aids
2XXX Martin Rd
Birmingham, AL 35235-2147
((That’s from http://www.theultimates.com/white))
Well, that answers the question I had when seeing the ad: “I wonder if Peter’s seen this?” http://www.PADfacts.com, heh.
PAD:
Just so you have ammo to pick on another tri-initialed comrade:
Jaundiced Mandibular Syndrome
Of course, a man who spaced a teddy bear might actually be flattered by it.
I hate to admit it, but every time I’ve seen that ad (which has been around for awhile) I confess I’ve thought of you. 🙂
I know someone who understands… Sadly, my sister’s initials are PMS.
My mother’s defense?
“They didn’t call it THAT at the time you were born…”
Rassa-frassa doctors… :/
It could be worse. My middle name is Mayer. I got it because when I was born, my great-grandmother was upset that noone was named after her sister, Helen. I guess she had forgotten that there was only one girl born in my generation. Anyway, my rabbi, to keep the peace, suggested that my middle name could be Helen’s Hebrew name, but in masculine form. So basically, my middle name, as if it weren’t bad enough that I get “you mean, like Oscar Mayer?” actually translates to “Helen.”
That’s fantastic. You know when you’ve arrived in the world when you have symptoms.
Is it a great deal of fun to provide the setup for opponents to ridicule you? I would probably be apprehensive, but our responses to a number of things differ remarkably.
PAD – As many have pointed out, it could be SO much worse . . .
My grandfather insisted on using his first and middle initials, “V.D.”, on the return address for letters to my mother at college. My mother still talks about how embarassed she was. (Hey, this was the 1950’s and I’m sure she didn’t even know what VD was until she hit college!)
She tried to tell my grandfather not to use those letters, but since sex was not one of those topics discussed in her household, it must have been a very interesting conversation!!
Jester
Well, when you hear people say they’re sick of PAD, you can pretend they’re not talking about you.
Bob:
Speaking of strange addresses and names… Did you know that, according to Anywho.com, there really IS a Gary Seven living in Manhattan?
Hey, it could be way worse then that for all of you. About three years ago I pulled a girl (about 18 years old or so) over for blowing a red light. Her given first name was Climittia.
A little later I ran into a Richmond officer I know and I was telling him about her. He knew the girl and her mother from calls involving the mother. He said that her mom was an idiot who always used big words that she knew nothing about in conversation. She gave her daughter that name because she thought that it had a nice, sing-song sound to it.
We both agreed that mom needed to be stoned to death.
Jester,
Hey, I got a V.D. that’s almost as bad as yours.
We had an officer working for us (nice New Yorker who hated what happened next and us for having so much fun with it for sooooo long) who had the initials V.D. Actually it was V.G.D. but we never used the G. Why mess up a perfectly good thing?
Vinnie was out for a while because of an operation and was listed on our shift schedule as being out on Short Term Disability. Or listed as S.T.D. for short. Do you know how nuts you can make a New York raised musclehead who can’t kill you because he’s recovering from an operation with that kind of thing? We do ;).
“P.A.D., the silent killer”
Actually, with the right ammount of publicity, that could help with the longevity of your books:-)
Well. . .being called ‘ The Silent Killer ‘ is kinda cool. Makes you sound like a ninja or something. Ninjas are still cool, right? Or are pirates the new ninjas now? I can never keep track. . . :p
Stacy
And for my next project, I’ll chronicle the adventures of hitman Peter Alan Davis, the Silent Killer. Clients pay dearly to have their victims never hear him approach.
(Never could get the nerve to fully tuckerize someone. And even George Pelecanos does it.)
“About three years ago I pulled a girl (about 18 years old or so) over for blowing a red light. Her given first name was Climittia.”
Don’t take this wrong, but I’m curious: Was she black? Reason I ask is because a comedian did a routine themed on the notion that black mothers could call their daughters just about any dámņëd thing and somehow it “sounded” like a name. He proceeded to imitate an annoyed black mom trying to round up her kids with all these insane names, and I’m reasonably sure “Clymidea” was one of them.
PAD
That seems to be a running gag with many comedians. I remember several years ago seeing a black female comedian talk about black women naming their children things like “Fahrvegneugen.”
PAD: the New York Times Best-selling Killer.
“He ended my life with words!”
“About three years ago I pulled a girl (about 18 years old or so) over for blowing a red light.”
Straight line of the year. F’nar! F’nar! Must…resist…urge…to make…stupid joke…
I know someone’s gonna cry racism at some point…but I’ve had more than a few students with great names and most of them have been Black girls. For boys it’s more or less normal names–Jason, Tyrone, Jeremy—but the girls! Seems to have been a real fad about 15 years ago to just add “iqua” to the end of words and presto! Instant female name. Shaniqua, Tomiqua, Archeopterexapiqua, Domique a neek neek neekqua, you name it.
My Mom teaches economics at college and reminds me of one student named Female, pronounced Fee-Mahl-ay. Another friend of mine teaches at Emory and had a girl names Telekinesis, who had no idea that it was an actual word. She said her mom had heard it and thought it sounded cool, which, in point of fact, is true.
And there is the probably apocryphal story of a certain Mrs. King who named her baby Nosmo after claiming to have seen the name on a sign as she was wheeled in and took it as an omen.
Lest we look like we are picking on Black folk I’d like to point out that the really groan worthy stupid pun names have always come from white parents, who go to great lengths to point it out. “My son’s name is Cole. Cole Slaw. Get it?” yeah lady, I get it, and I hope one day you get it too, when little Cole finally snaps and goes on a killing spree with his pals Ðìçk Fitzwell, Brock Lee, Jenny Tull, and the Pitts twins, Harry and Cheri.
My girlfiend’s mother has a few very unfortuate children in her third grade class. Here is the phonetic presentation of my personal favorite…
Shu-THEE-ud
Press your buzzer when you figure out the proper spelling.
PAD,
Yes she was and yes I had heard the same stand ups doing that bit. I just never thought that they were serious until after that traffic stop.
My girlfiend’s mother has a few very unfortuate children in her third grade class. Here is the phonetic presentation of my personal favorite…
Shu-THEE-ud
Press your buzzer when you figure out the proper spelling.
Oh my God, it isn’t possibly “Sh*thead,” is it? *wince*
It could be worse.At least your not blamed for making every woman’s life miserable for a week every month.
Patrick Micheal Straight.
Congrats PAD, Now you can stand right alongside Lou Gherig and Bill Alzheimer in medical history!
True Life Story:
Not a joke
Not an urban legend
My brother-in-law’s sister (or would it be my sister’s sister-in-law? – anyway -) married a man last-named Lear (like King Lear or Norman Lear) when they had their daughter they named her Crystal Shanda Lear. She usually goes by Christy now (she’s 22), but had no END of torture during grade school.
Dude, I would totally kill my parents.
Trace
btw: my last name is Belcher. ****grrrr*** Stupid irony******
I had a science teacher in high school named Don Juan Casanova. And no, his name didn’t fit him at all.
There’s no excuse when a writer does it, though. Stuart Woods’ character, Stone Barrington (He should be shot for that name alone.) has a fiancee named Arrington. So if they married…
I don’t want to think about it. He gets paid more than I do for this stuff.
On my previous job, while fooling around with the name search for the company’s database, I found a woman named Mary Ima Moron.
Honest!
Well, my initials are MAL – which is latin for evil, bad, etc.
(such as malformed, malcontent, etc).
That almost fits the Hogg family in Texas.
Supposedly there was a man by the name of Edgar Hogg who had two daughters, Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg. I think the Ima Hogg was an actual person, but the Ura Hogg is a fictious add on.
I’ve got a friend, Mr. Smith (really!) who named his daughter Mary, with the middle name of Chris.
Mary Chris Smith. Say it fast.
I used to hate my parents for my name, given that no one writes it correctly… but after reading all this? I figure I got really, really lucky and at least it is an actual name (My initials are still AZ, but that is kind of cool)
Re: Names–Fascinating book titled “Freakonomics” which, among other fascinating chapters, studies prevalence of certain names among high educated vs low educated people, rich vs poor people, etc. It’s interesting to look up your kids name and see what it says about your position in our society.
My ex-wife worked as a civilian for the Australian Defence Department, and has actually worked with the following people (No, I am not making these up – I’ve met them…)
Seaman Stainz
Gunner Rear
Private Parts
and my all-time personal favourite
Major Turnoff
Who wasn’t going to improve as he rose in the ranks, becoming Captain Turnoff (and there’s a superhero you really don’t want to rescue you) and then General Turnoff.
A friend who was a police officer was also in a courtroom where there were, at the same time, a Corporal Sargeant and a Sargeant Corporal.
True story, former students, twins, at the school my Mother in Law works at, named…
Lemonjello
Orangejello
Pronounced Lee Mon Gelo and Or An Gelo. Felt so sorry for them and the hëll they would be getting a few years down the road.
I contracted a disease called Guillain Barre Syndrome in highschool the same year we read the play, Pygmalian, by George Bernard Shaw. The two will be forever intertwined in my brain.
You think that’s bad? My intials are d and t.
” I’ve got a bad case of the DTs.”
Ah, high school memories.
“I think the Ima Hogg was an actual person, but the Ura Hogg is a fictious add on.”
Ima Hogg was real — she’s still reknown in Texas for her philantropic works, and I passed through a park in her name during a trip once.
–R.J.
Speaking as someone whose last name is synonymous with a hate crime … about time. 🙂 I’ll have to look for the ad whenever we get the television set up here.
(And BTW, Bill, “Shanequa” has been around a lot longer than fifteen years. I had a classmate in elementary school, nearly 30 years ago now, with that name — I always thought it was a pretty neat name, though it didn’t make the short list when picking out names for Katherine.)
TWL
I’ve got EVERYBODY beat.
1. I was born in Nashville, Tenn., the heart of Dixieland.
2. My first name is James.
3. My second name is Robert.
4. My mother honestly claimed to not have realized that she named me Jim Bob.
5. One of my friends growing up was Richard Head.
6. He didn’t get along with his dad either.
Hi All,
Long time lurker, second time poster.
I work in a medical facility and see patient names (as well as different condition/disease names all day) and one of the most astounding names I have ever come across was “Everybodytalksabout.”
There was an entire family.
Needless to say, eventually, there was a name change.
Iggy
It’s spelled Luxuryyacht, but it’s pronounced
“Throatwoober-Maaannnggrrrove”
I new a girl in high school. Her maiden name:
Claudine Mae Dye
Her married name:
Claudine Mae Dunn.
(unfortunately, she passed away several years ago from cancer – may she rest in peace).
FWIW, my initials are DVD. And I had it first, dámņ it. 🙂 My dad was BVD, but generally wore Hanes. And he insisted his students call him Mr. V, not Mr. V.D. (he taught band, not health).
Back in my days of working in a bank, I came across many amusing names, and yes, most of them were of the ethnic persuasion. However, there were two standouts: One was a woman called “Cleopatra Nurse”. I was afraid to ask if that was a real name or a “Professional” one…
Second was a woman named “Delmarva Power”. Her parents clearly must have spent some time down in the Maryland area at some point. (For those of you not in the area, Delmarva Power is the electrical company which services Delaware, Maryland and Virginia, hence the name)
And I think I should have gotten a raise for keeping a straight face the day I made a deposit for a woman with the unfortunate surname of “Glasscock”.
In high school, there was a quasi-legendary student, spoken of only in hushed whispers. While I never met him, I knew of his reputation. He was revered, not as a man, but as a god.
And his name was… Harold Butt.
That poor, poor bášŧárd.