February 28, 1992
I have been told the following three things, at various times, by various folks:
1) I shouldn’t do top ten lists anymore.
2) I shouldn’t write about anything other than comic books.
3) I should get in a spare column or two in case I run behind on deadlines.
Faced with these three requests (the last, obviously, from Don and Maggie), I can do no less than present:
TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS
THIS COLUMN SHOULD NOT DEAL WITH
10) Religion
9) Abortion Rights
8) My audio tapes proving Don Thompson’s torrid 12 year affair with Louise Simonson
7) David Duke: America’s last hope
6) Why do you always wake up in the morning with that dried crud in your eyes?
5) Tom DeFalco: The Man, the Myth, the Moustache
4) How to gracefully handle uncontrolled flatulence
3) The Holocaust: Was it simply a hoax, or in fact an evil Jewish scheme?
2) The link between reading CBG and abnormally high occurances of rectal itch.
And the Number One topic this column should not discuss:
1) Why do you see all these parking spaces with wheel chairs painted on them, and yet you never, ever see a wheel chair parked in one?
(Peter David, writer of stuff, would like to caution anyone who might be new to this column: IT’S JUST A GAG! If you take the Duke and Holocaust stuff seriously, you also have to lend credence to the joke about Don and Weezie being an item…which is right up there with the rumor of a few years back that Chris Claremont had married Terry Austin.)
• 
I think PAD should do a column on the number one item.
I can send you a picture of the #1 item:Þ
(Presented with the same humor as the rest of the column)
1) Why do you see all these parking spaces with wheel chairs painted on them, and yet you never, ever see a wheel chair parked in one?
My answer: because most parking lots already have speed bumps?