So Kath was watching a football game this evening. I’ve no interest in football whatsoever. Kath has talked me into watching the Superbowl every year, basically by bribing me with nifty refreshments and pointing out that the commercials are fun. Football itself, though, I don’t care.
And yet when she told me that she was watching the Panthers vs. the Rams, I quickly and accurately predicted that the Panthers would be victorious. How? My reasoning was as follows: The Panthers have the clear advantage because they have the teeth and claws and can move very quickly. The Rams, while they have formidable horns, simply can’t stand up to it.
That’s how I always do it. For instance, if the Titans are in a game, I usually figure they have the best shot because they’re so dámņëd big. They’re Titans, for God’s sake. Yes, Giants might have a chance against them, but Titans are far bigger. The only place where it becomes problematic is if the Titans are going up against a bird team, such as the Eagles or the Falcons. If the Eagle or Falcons can manage to peck or claw the Titans’ eyes out–and pehraps even eat out their livers–then the Titans would be blinded and the Eagles or Falcons have a good chance.
As for the Packers, I just don’t see it. Bunch of guys with suitcases. Doesn’t seem that threatening. Unless they’re playing, say, the Jets. If they overload the cargo hold of the Jets with their suitcases, they could possibly slow them down enough to win.
PAD
• 
Interesting view there, PAD, especially your view on the Packers. Perhaps if the suitcases were used to swat the Eagles (provided they’re not too heavy), it just might work.
Sounds logical enough to me.
You do know this is pretty similiar to the way Diane Chambers (from Cheers) used to pick football games, don’t you?
“Bears versus Dolphins? Bears, of course!”
That said, in the end, the Milwaukee Brewers beat everyone.
How much alcohol was consumed before that bit of insight into football was formed? Just curious. I’ll have whatever you’re having.
Same goes for the Brewer fan. He’s obviously inebriated to think such thoughts about the Brewers. They did a nice job getting rid of Richie Sexson, though. 🙂
You do know this is pretty similiar to the way Diane Chambers (from Cheers) used to pick football games, don’t you? “Bears versus Dolphins? Bears, of course!”
No, I didn’t, but I could see her saying it.
PAD
Who did you go with when it was Raiders/Buckaneers last year?
If only other teams would feel guilty about beating up the Saints and let them win….
So how does your theory on the Titans jibe with their losing to the Patriots tonight? Unless maybe we’re talking about Patriot missiles?
So by this logic, the Eagles should have no trouble with the Packers tomorrow. Bummer, I’m rooting the other way (can’t stand the Eagles). But who do you pick when it’s the Colts vs. the Chiefs?
(My personal hopes: Packers vs. Carolina for the NFC title, Indianapolis vs. New England for the AFC. Packers/Colts Super Bowl, with the Colts emerging victorious, giving coach Tony Dungy his long-deserved Super Bowl ring. Of course, I only hope all this because the Bucs managed to miss the playoffs entirely, doggone it…)
I notice, PAD, that in spite of the claim that you “predict” the outcome of games, you don’t mention what kind of success rate your method has.
Of course, I don’t care about football, either, so even if you’ve been wrong every single time, your method is no less amusing (and now that it’s been mentioned, I do remember Diane Chambers doing the same — it’s been a long time since I watched Cheers with any regularity).
As a side note, I have a curiosity; why is it that guys that don’t like football tend to wind up with women who do? I mean, isn’t that the dream of every sports-fan; a wife who shares his passion? It’s strange, how the women who are into sports are all wasted on the men who don’t.
I notice, PAD, that in spite of the claim that you “predict” the outcome of games, you don’t mention what kind of success rate your method has.
That’s because I’ve no clue. I make a prediction and then go off, do something else, and never bother to ask how the game turned out. The only reason I knew I was right on this one was because it was on the AOL newsfeed.
Yeah, the Titans shouldn’t have lost to the Patriots, since the Patriots’ muskets shouldn’t have been a match for them. Unless, as was suggested, it’s actually Patriot missiles, which could easily have blown the Titans to bits.
But I would think that Eagles vs. Packers, the Eagles should be able to win pretty easily. The only chance is if the Packers manage to knock the Eagles out of the sky with their suitcases. That’s going to be tough, though.
Colts vs. Chiefs? Probably Chiefs. They are, after all, the heads of their tribes, and should be able to ride the Colts even though the Colts may try to throw them.
PAD
But what if we’re talking about Colt .45s/Colt Peacemakers? As an avid fan of movies, I can see that a cowboy’s gun will easily defeat any Indian, chief or not.
This strategy was also employed by Balki on PERFECT STRANGERS. He had an uncanny streak of accuracy with it, which Cousin Larry attempted to parlay into success in the office pool. Naturally, it backfired on poor Larry in the end.
eddie
Awesome! I wish I wasn’t tripping over everyone else to kiss your balls! Let me know the next time you have a bowel movement!!
Of course, going by this predictive system, this would have Rocket Rackoon beating The Batman in about four seconds flat…
The thing is a few years ago The Titans made it to the Superbowl and lost. My guess? Their lineup was Prism, Risk, Argent, Joto and bunch of other characters nobody really cared about.
The thing is, Packers are also people who bag groceries at supermarkets. All they’d have to do is put a paper bag over their opponents’ heads and then take the ball to victory.
Although it is funny to be evil at my job and tell my co-worker, a devoted Giants fan, how the Patriots just have a far better arsenal than Giants.
Does this work on High School teams as well? My team, the Yellowjackets would seem to have little chance against the Wolverines or the Wildcats, granted, but what about the Trojans? After all, Trojans are most famous for losing, albeit in overtime.
This assumes that we’re talking about the traditional Hector vs Achilles type Trojans and not the more modern usage of the name. Boy THERE’S a mascot I wanna see.
As an avid fan of movies, I can see that a cowboy’s gun will easily defeat any Indian, chief or not.
Spoken like someone who has never, I’ll bet, seen “Little Big Man.” Granted, that was the US Army rather than cowboys, but they were better armed than the average cowboys and the Indians still wiped them out.
PAD
PAD wrote:
But I would think that Eagles vs. Packers, the Eagles should be able to win pretty easily. The only chance is if the Packers manage to knock the Eagles out of the sky with their suitcases. That’s going to be tough, though.
The Packers will open up their mighty suitcases and capture the Eagles within! The Packers will then emerge victorious and send the Eagles packing from the Playoffs.
GO PACK!!
Never! The Eagles will go forth with their might talons and beaks and rend the Packer’s weak suit-cases!
E-A-G-L-E-S!
As a side note, I have a curiosity; why is it that guys that don’t like football tend to wind up with women who do?
Even before I got to this comment I was thinking of using your method to drive my girlfriend nuts. Now that I read this I realise that it’s true. Most of my girlfriends have liked it, I just don’t care. Why is that?
I won a football pool using that method once.
Laughed my ášš off.
I always root for the offense. I like to see progress. When posession switches, so do I.
As an avid fan of movies, I can see that a cowboy’s gun will easily defeat any Indian, chief or not.
Spoken like someone who has never, I’ll bet, seen “Little Big Man.” Granted, that was the US Army rather than cowboys, but they were better armed than the average cowboys and the Indians still wiped them out.
Okay, mebbe I shoulda said ‘avid fan of cheesy B-type western movies’? Heh.
But…. what if the Colts are playing a team composed completely of Perry White clones?
Ah, but the Packers are not packing mere suitcases, they pack great big crates and stuff. Big crates of whupass!
Well PAD, this theory would explain the Browns then.
As a side note, I have a curiosity; why is it that guys that don’t like football tend to wind up with women who do?
Too true nekouken. My girlfriend lives down in Columbus and is a big OSU fan. Me, I don’t really care all that much.
Huh – maybe it’s being a Midwesterner, but when I think Packers I immedately think of Meat Packers, which is where the name comes from anyway.
Of course, this means the Eagles are atracted by the meat being packed, thereby shredding the Packers to little bits.
Heh – this is the fun way of picking games.
The Green Bay Packers are named after MEATPACKERS. You know, guys with cleavers and meathooks and freezers (and aprons and paper hats). That has to make them a little more formidible than suitcase packers, I’d think…
Well, it seems you have a 50 percent chance of having a correct prediction, which really is good compared to other kinds of predictions.
In that case, ShadZ, I think the Packers are rather formidable, indeed. Hitting a guy with an entire side of beef will take him out no matter who he is.
It’s funny that Diane (Cheers)
and Balki (Perfect Strangers)
get mentioned, when I think Latka
from Taxi was actually the first
to observe, “That team is called the Giants. But they’re no bigger
than the other team.”
Not the first or the last time a
Taxi bit ended up in Cheers.
–Ed
On Cheers, didn’t Woody have this same system?
Chris asked: But…. what if the Colts are playing a team composed completely of Perry White clones?
Well, that team would insist on NOT being called Chiefs, wouldn’t they?
Incidentally, the Colts just won their game… so who wins Colts/Patriots using this system?
“Does this work on High School teams as well? My team, the Yellowjackets would seem to have little chance against the Wolverines or the Wildcats…”
Why not? I should think a swarm of angry bees would be more than a match for any wolverine, although its healing factor and adamantium claws will take out a few. But the wildcat’s boxing skills will be no match for multiple opponents who sting like a bee, whether or not they float like a butterfly…
Okay, my head just exploded.
eddie bart said:
This strategy was also employed by Balki on PERFECT STRANGERS. He had an uncanny streak of accuracy with it, which Cousin Larry attempted to parlay into success in the office pool. Naturally, it backfired on poor Larry in the end.
Thank you eddie, I thought I’d be the only person who remembered that. Now I am so happy, I’ll do the dance of joy.
I will always be upset about the Gulf War because it broke out during a perfectly good Perfect Strangers episode.
But with football, I called a Patriots/Eagles superbowl about a month ago, which breaks this poor Giants fans heart.
New England all the way. 😛 Just wanted to add that.
Yeah, I’ve seen that method used for Aussie Rules, too. Brisbane used to be the Bears, which sounds good, until you realised that they have a KOALA for their mascot, which means that they were cute, cuddly, and in the midst of an identity crisis, since Koalas aren’t bears. Then they merged with Fitzroy to become the Lions, and have won the last three premierships.
(Fitzroy, incidentally, were known as the Gorillas prior to becoming the Lions, and were more successful as the former. Does that mean that gorillas are better?)
Meanwhile, Hawthorn changed from “Mayblooms” to “Hawks” and went on to have great success, Melbourne changed from “Fuschias” to “Demons”, and the Swans haven’t won a premiership for seventy years.
Of course, by this method, my team, the Bombers, should be winning all the time.
Uh, am I babbling?
Lisa Simpson also used this prediction method, with great success. Clearly, if it worked on three different sitcoms, it must be right.
–Daniel M.
The Packers (as in meat packers) do indeed have sides of beef, cleavers and hooks, but they are also the toughest human beings alive: teamsters. You do not mess with teamsters (ask Jimmy Hofa).
That being said, the Jets could always beat them by sticking together. Although they mostly sing and dance instead of rumble, when you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. They’re sure to win tonight, tonight, or at least somewhere, somehow.
Lisa would pick the Raiders over the Bucs because, “the Raiders always cheat.”
This system could not work for college football, because my father’s alma mater, Youngstown State in Ohio, had a football team named the Penguins that became the national champions twice. I just can’t see any penguin, whether the stately Emperor, the silly Macaroni, or the talented Burgess Meredith or Danny DeVito, taking on any other football team with success.
Ben Hunt
not really into football, but a Browns fan by nature of being born a Buckeye.
This thread has suddenly turned very punny. On the other hand, I’m 4-0 for the weekend on my picks, so go me!
For next week:
Colts vs. Patriots: A team of Lee Majors clones against guys with muskets? Hard to say; will bionics be allowed?
Panthers vs. Eagles: I’m hoping Glenn Frey and Don Henley can defeat Dr. Huey Newton and Bobby Seale.
So ….. Pittsburg Stealers don’t turn up for the match because they are all in jail for theft and the 49’ers win through sheer force of numbers, having loads more people on the field than the other team ??!!??
I used this method once in an office pool for the NCAA basketball March Madness tournament. I didn’t come in last, but I was in the the bottom quarter.
Well, now that the Eagles have valiantly defeated the guys with suitcases, let’s us PAD’s system to assess the Conference champs:
Eagles vs. Panthers: Eagles, being able to fly, have superior maneuverability against panthers. Plus panthers are a tropical animal while eagles are used to temprorate zones. The game is going to be played here in PA, where it’s been f–king cold the past week and is going to be even colder next weekend.
Eagles in a lock.
Patriots vs. Colts. Guys with muskets aren’t going to last long against a herd of young horses. Maybe some people will say that the colts are too young, but they easily dispatched the more mature Broncos.
Pick: Colts.
Go Eagles!
PAD, If your system really worked then my beloved Browns would have had a terrible season this year. No…Wait.. They did!!!
OK, so I’m curious how people think the ACC matchup of Blue Devils vs. Demon Deacons should go
(and yes, I realize that by the name theory “Tarheels” should have no chance against anyone in the ACC except for the Terrapins due to relative slowness).
Nekouken wrote:
As a side note, I have a curiosity; why is it that guys that don’t like football tend to wind up with women who do? I mean, isn’t that the dream of every sports-fan; a wife who shares his passion? It’s strange, how the women who are into sports are all wasted on the men who don’t.
Well, I’m happy to say I’m teh exception then. My last girlfriend was a huge 49ers fan and knew more about Football than several guys I know and my current one is a sports fan as well. Doubly lucky, since Soccer, which I hate, is much more prevalescent than Footbal here. Of course I have to put up with her family who root for the Cowboys and Yankees (and I won’t even go into who they root for locally), which is just wrong. Luckily for me she’s a Dolphins fan(i can live with that. Go Bears!) and I turned her into a Cubs fan :)=
Oh, and your sitem worked Peter:
-The Titans were felled by Patriot missiles :(=
-The Chiefs were killed by those .357 Colts
-The Packers were mauled by the Eagles :)=
-The Panthers shredded the Rams appart :)=
Now it gets interesting….
Btw, the original name for the Houston Astros baseball team was the Houston Colt .45s, which they used from 1962-64. Rather nifty gunsmoke logo as seen at http://users3.ev1.net/~wbthomp/HoustonColt45s6264a.GIF