Lack of Variety

Originally published May 10, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1173

So imagine my surprise to discover that Space Cases was on the cover of Weekly Variety…

There was the entire cast of the space adventure for Nickelodeon created by Bill Mumy and myself, smiling out at purchasers of the latest issue of one of the largest (if not largest, I couldn’t say) entertainment trade publications. Not to mention that they were joined by George Takei, unrecognizable under the lizard-like make-up of the dreaded Warlord Shank of the Spung Empire (although if you listen to his voice, as you will have the opportunity to do in a few weeks, you’ll know him instantly.)

But while people in Los Angeles and other major media centers were snapping up copies, out here in my little backwater neck of the woods, Weekly Variety is not carried on every newsstand. Or, for that matter, any newsstand.

So I decided to bop over to Borders Books.

Borders is a chain of bookstores that tries to restore some degree of civility back reading; it’s treated like a leisure time art form that’s in danger of being lost (which, let’s face it, it is). Recall, if you will, the typical small bookstore of your youth, with helpful signs such as “No reading the books.” A mentality that was translated into news stores as well, as any endeavor to inspect a paperback book, comic book or periodical was actively discouraged by the dealer who would bark, “This isn’t a library.”

Well, Borders has taken browsing and embraced it. Couches and chairs are set up for readers to peruse tomes at their leisure. There’s a coffee bar with assorted pastries set up, tables and chairs occupied by casual readers flipping through magazines and such. It’s a very relaxed atmosphere.

And it’s the only place within distance that has a truly impressive array of periodicals, so I reasoned that would be my best bet in locating a copy of the magazine.

I buzzed over there and looked over the newsstand. I found Weekly Variety all right. Unfortunately, it was two weeks old. Well thumbed, somewhat beaten up.

So I went to the information desk.

Now… normally one would think that the information desk would be the source of… oh, I dunno… information. I figured that if I wanted to get a copy, I was going to have to come back to the store at some later date. All I wanted to find out was when. Why waste a trip?

An older woman, hair graying, was behind the desk, and I said, “Excuse me… could you tell me when the next issue of Weekly Variety comes out?”

She smiled beatifically. “I believe it comes out weekly,” she said.

I stood there a moment, reflecting upon this helpful bit of data. I considered asking her who was buried in Grant’s Tomb next, but thought that might be too subtle. “Yes,” I said slowly, “I’m aware that it comes out weekly. Hence the name of the magazine. We’re all on the same page with that. How about this: What day of the week can I expect Weekly Variety to come in?”

“Tuesday is a good day to check,” she said.

Again I nodded. This answer might actually have been useful, were it not for the fact that it was, indeed, Tuesday evening. “Today is Tuesday,” I pointed out.

“Ah.” She thought a moment and said, “Well, perhaps we don’t get Weekly Variety.”

“Yes, you do. I see it right over there,” and I pointed to the lone bedraggled copy.

“Oh, all right!” she chirped. “It’s in, then!”

And I realized that she was under the impression that the conversation was over. She thought that, for some reason, this odd customer had come over to her and asked about a magazine that clearly he knew was already available for purchase. In her mode of infinite trust, she didn’t wonder why I had engaged her in an apparently pointless question-and-answer. I was the customer, and the customer was always right. She started to return to doing whatever she’d been doing before.

If I had the brains of a dial tone, I would have left well enough alone. But I figured, What the hëll, I’ve gone this far with it. “Nooo,” I said, reacquiring her attention. “The copy on the stands is two weeks old.”

“Oh.”

We seemed to have run through the limit of her informational capabilities. “I want to know,” I said, hoping that rephrasing might help, “when the current issue of Weekly Variety will replace the old copy sitting there now.”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, which is always just what you want to hear from someone who had a huge sign that reads “Information” right over her head. “I’m not in charge of periodicals.”

“Okay,” I said. Of course, I’m not the mayor of Bismarck, but I know it’s the capital of North Dakota (to say nothing of Bismarck being a herring.) “Who is in charge?”

“A man.”

Ah. Apparently I was now poised to embark on a rousing game of Twenty Questions. A real man? Fictional? Tall? Short? “A man,” I repeated.

“He’s new,” she said.

Oh joy. Someone with less knowledge than her. “Could I see him, please?”

“He’s not here.”

“When will he be around?”

“You can call and ask for him tomorrow after 9 AM.”

“Okay. What’s his name?”

This time she hesitated and then said, “I can’t tell you.”

“I beg your pardon?” From her tone it was clear that it wasn’t simply that she didn’t know; she was deliberately withholding information. Of course, she’d done such a bang-up job of dispensing information thus far, that I was shocked at the lapse. “You can’t tell me?”

“No. He doesn’t like his name given out or used.”

This floored me. Who the hëll was this guy? God? One whose name dared not be spoken? What kind of customer service representative zealously guards his name? “Why not?” I asked.

“Because he doesn’t want people calling up and asking for him by name.”

At which point I gave up, went home, called my manager in Los Angeles and told her assistant, “Get me some copies of the magazine, would’ja, please?”

The point of the foregoing is…

Well, there’s no point, really. Nowadays we’ve come to expect fuzzy-minded thinking, inadequate service, and people who know nothing beyond their small sphere of influence and are not interested in learning more. The latest term to become an oxymoron–right up there with “Jumbo Shrimp”–is “common sense.”

Along those lines, I submit the following which was, in turn, send to me by Mr. Hassan Ahamad. A correspondence that is alleged to be utterly legitimate between a London hotel’s staff and one of its guests. It was originally run in the London Sunday Times… which, in case you’re wondering, comes out Sundays.

 

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,

S. Berman

 * * *

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

 * * *

Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

 * * *

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wednesday, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the three complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid, Dotty

 * * *

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

* * *

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6 PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

 * * *

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

 * * *

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

 * * *

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

 * * *

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hëll left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one dámņ bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

 * * *

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

 * * *

Dear Ms. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2;

On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack

On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4;

Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2;

In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist;

On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly

On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault to avoid any further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)