Category: Potato Moon

PAD here: I’m pretty sure that Keith DeCandido now holds the land speed record, turning in his entry a mere two hours and three minutes after getting the call.

Jakob and Edwood dashed angstily toward the Forks, Washington nuclear power plant, the scene of the battle royale (without cheese) between the time-displaced Governor Michael Dukakis and Yukon Gold, the Potato(e) King.

Jakob knew in his heart of hearts—which is a really bizarre, and indeed slightly gross metaphor, all things considered—that no matter what he did, even if he was the one to save the day using his maddeningly inconsistent shapechanging powers to save the day, that Bela would still go running back to Edwood. Why, oh, why, oh, did he ever leave Ohio and come to this place where his heart would be broken like a piece of wood after a karate student hit it with the side of her hand? Why did he long after Bela with a longing as deep as the deepness was long? Besides, he was betrothed to the confusingly aged Woeisme, and Bela was obviously never going to leave Edwood no matter how pretentious he got, so why did Jakob keep coming back to her?

Was it because he always wanted what he could not have? Was it due to his incredibly disturbing potato obsession? Or was he just a schmuck?

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 29 by Keith “Rah-Rah” DeCandido” →

“Here I come to save the day, Edwood Sullen’s on his way!” sang out a perfect voice, on perfect key, with flawless accuracy as Edwood swept down from the skies, looking like the perfect prince. All he needed was a white horse to complete the look.

Bela swooned as she watched the love of her life strike a perfect pose. “Sparkle…power…make up,” he said, as he began to twinkle like a star that he was. “I will save you from the evil threat.” A spotlight seemed to shine mysteriously on him, from the heavens.

“Oh, Edwood, you’re so handsome,” Bela swooned. “You’re such a spud!” A flurry of hearts seemed to appear in her eyes. “If only we could be together forever.”

Jakob stared. “Didn’t you say our relationship issues needed to be put aside?” he asked. He was starting to wish her single brain was as large as her…twin potatoes. “There’s a battle going on!”

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 28 by El Weiss” →

Which is when the muffled explosion-y sound reached them.

Bela and Jakob spun towards the sound, from the direction of Sullen Manor. The glow of the explosion from that direction let them know they hadn’t just imagined it.

“My house!” yelled Bela.

They then saw a meteor-like streak in the sky, arcing glowingly. A smaller streak split off that streak, and quickly angled downward. Towards them. Bela and Jakob dove for cover as a flaming helmet crashed mere feet away. Only the letters KE DU IS remained visible on the charred, mashed-potato-smeared headgear.

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 27, “The Blast Action Hero,” by Christopher Walsh” →

“You know,” Jakob growled, still holding her as he ran full-force through the woods, “if you had just dumped Edwood in book two, none of this would be happening right now! But no-o! You had to fly across the ocean and stop him!”

“How dare you tell me what I should and should not do!” Bela shouted back, struggling to get out of his grip. “He was going to kill himself over his love for me! I had to stop him! We were meant to be!”

Jakob held her tighter. “Edwood’s nothing but trouble!”

“Speak for yourself!”

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 26 by Jennifer Volpe” →

Jakob was filled with nerves and a primal fear of getting anywhere close to Ðìçk Cheney while still looking like a were-chicken, which just happens to look astonishingly similar to a monster-sized quail.

He struggled to change back to his human, or at least a shape close enough to it, form as he spoke out…

“How could you possibly go up against Quayle, the Potato King? You don’t have that sort of power!”

Ðìçk Cheney snickered loudly in only a way Ðìçk Cheney knows how, guttural and terrible, frightening and sublime. Every newborn baby in a twenty mile radius went blind, all the livestock in that same area fell under a mysterious disease, and thunder crackled in the distance announcing a coming storm. The group did not learn of all this until a later date, but it wasWoeisme that, in act of mixed discomfort and despair, interrupted the snicker that seemed to go on for an eternity.

“Jakob, you clearly don’t know Ðìçk!” she said in a manner that was just a tad louder than she intended.

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 25 by Matt “Ampersand” Duarte” →

With some of the craziness cleared up, Edwood and Bela
embraced like the not-quite-so-young lovers trying their hardest to reestablish
the early dew-eyed phases of their puppy love that they had become. Edwood stared at
Bela, who stared back at him. If only, he thought, there had been one
spelling of “vampire.” No, wait. “Vampyre?” Oh no…

If only, she thought, if only our lives were as uncomplicated as a potatoe…simple,
but able to take so many forms, each enjoyed by so many people on a daily
basis, from the poorest wage-slave to the richest CEO! (This message paid for by the World
Potatoe Farmers for World Domination, not to be confused with the World Potato
Farmers for World Domination.)

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 24, by Chris Gottschalk” →

NOTE FROM PAD: Richard came up to the hairy edge with character names here, but I let it go because–although he used a popular alias for the individual in question–it’s not the character’s real name..

The stranger whipped out a black billfold from his pocket and flashed
the contents at the confused foursome.

“As you can see here, I am Dr. John Smith, licensed potato inspector
for this county and you have clearly run into a doozy.”

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 23 by Richard DiTullio” →