Conventional Days

Originally published May 21, 1993, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1018

I am shortly (if I have not already left when you’ve read this) off to Romania to observe/help-where-I-can with the filming of Trancers IV and Trancers V.

Therefore, in my endeavor to thrill and entertain folks on a consistent basis, I’m going to be writing the next four installments of BID one after the other, bang bang bang. This might have some effect on the timeliness of the column, but that’s the way it goes. Things will return to normal once I’m back.

This, of course, is presuming I make it back in one piece. Not to sound morbid, but I just received a lengthy “starter kit” from the Trancers producers, Full Moon Entertainment, which gives such helpful advice as “Be inconspicuous. Don’t look too ‘American’… don’t talk too noisily and draw attention to yourself.” Anyone who knows me is aware of just how inconspicuous and sedate a person I am.

And as if being American isn’t sufficiently unthrilling to Romanians, one BID letter writer advised me to proceed with caution and concluded, “And God help you if they find out you’re Jewish.” That was one of those fan letter moments that I never know quite how to react to.

Truthfully, I’m sure everything will be fine. Oh, sure, if I’m dumb enough to walk around downtown Bucharest at midnight shouting, “Oy! Where’s a McDonalds?!,” I suppose I deserve whatever I get.  Anything short of that, I should be OK.

This week’s column has a couple of short topics from the mailbag (which, by the way, is stuffed to the overflowing with entries in the Rick Jones contest. I must have gotten more than 200 entries. Consequently, it’s going to take a little while to score them. Please bear with me as I start buckling down and sorting through it. It is going to take some time.)

Next week’s column will be a view of the recent “Take your daughter to work day” as seen through the eyes of superheroes. And the one after that will address the topic of those embarrassing public displays whenever pros try to sort out who created a character. For the fourth week… not sure yet. Possibly barf bags. Possibly a “Useless Story.” Who knows?

But for this week, first we present a letter from Jay Allen Sanford, managing editor of Revolutionary Comics (whose motto is “Unauthorized and Proud of It,” which to my mind is like drawing a target on your chest, handing a .357 magnum to the American Bar Association and saying, “Make my day.” But that’s neither here nor there).

Jay Allen (you got to love a guy who combines the first and last names, respectively, of the Golden Age and Silver Age Flash) writes:

“Well, you wanted to hear from editors, about the way they handle submissions. Allow me to finally unburden my frustration with a few comments and observations you may feel free to pass on to your readers.

“Your advice about sending submissions to independent comic publishers is quite sound, as that’s how I began writing comics for a living back in 1989. However, all those fledgling artists and writers who flood publishers’ editorial offices with mass submissions should really do one thing first—read something by the publisher you’re contacting! Or at least drop them a line and ask for a set of submission guidelines. I’ve spoken with many fellow editors about the piles of inappropriate material we receive. Here at Revolutionary, we mainly do realistically drawn, dramatised biographies, as well as a few swarthy horror comics. And yet I get at least 25 art submissions a week with drawings (not even sequential panel-by-panel art) of The Punisher and Wolverine. And I don’t even have room here to comment on how every submission looks just like Todd McFarlane art, a fact many of these aspiring artists brag about in their cover letter (nothing wrong with learning from the masters, guys, but I submit that there are a lot of other masters out there to learn from).

“For my own part, I personally write back to every person who submits work, to tell that person my opinion (and I make it clear that it is only an opinion) of their strengths and weaknesses. One out of every few hundred even gets a tryout gig. Sometimes, the submission is so blamed bizarre, it’s all I can do to muster up a worthy comment. But I remember all too well those reams of unsigned form rejections I used to get, so I give everyone at least a moment of my attention. It’s immensely gratifying to see folks who’ve gotten their first break with us go on to major jobs like Stuart Immonen (Legion of Super-Heroes), Spike Steffenhagen (Heroic’s new martial arts line), Peter Mullins (Alan Moore’s From Hëll), Jim McWeeney (now with Dark Horse) and many more.

“I have one more suggestion for aspiring comic creators. Make your submission as professional looking as possible. A handwritten story proposal will rarely get read. Art on folded lined notebook paper, stuffed into a business envelope with postage due, does not go over too well. Don’t bother sending pinup art, as editors are looking for people who draw comic books and not posters. No original art, please, and a self addressed stamped envelope makes an editor glow with the knowledge that he’s dealing with a thoughtful, efficient, potential contributor. And, writers, proofread your material. If you don’t know the proper use of “it’s” versus “its” in your cover letter, I’m not about to hand you our newest miniseries. This is a profession we’re in, so approach it with a professional presentation.

“Thanks for letting me unload, and I hope you can pick out a couple of advisory tidbits from this letter to pass on to your readers. Your column does a great service by presenting this kind of info in such a fun and interesting manner.”

Jay went on to say nice things about my rendition of “Secret Agent Man” and even sent along some Revolutionary comic books. (I have a backlog of comic reading material of about three months—but they’re on the pile.) In short, Jay has been so kind and helpful that I really hate to do this…

Jay, I agree with you about the necessity of proofreading correspondence. If you’d done so, you would have seen that your word placement and lack of correct punctuation would seem to indicate that Stuart Immonen et al are “major jobs,” rather than “folks who’ve gotten their first break with us.” Watch those modifiers. “Dramatised” should be spelled “Dramatized.”

And, most bizarre of all, you refer to your line of “swarthy horror comics.” Now I admit I’m not all that familiar with your horror line. So if, in fact, all those titles are specifically about people with dark or sunburned skin, then I apologize for questioning your description of them.

I’m really sorry, Jay. I swear. Cross my heart. I mean, when I jab at the Image guys, I do so with a clear conscience. But here you were so nice and everything, taking time to write and sending the comics and all.

If only you hadn’t specifically said people should be careful about such things, then I could have resisted. Ah well. I’ll buy you a drink in San Diego. How’s that?

(By the way, Marvel’s Submissions Editor, Glenn Greenberg, informs me that he has gotten a trickle of correctly formatted submissions. Contents-wise, however, they’re along the lines of, “Okay, this isn’t about Wolverine fighting Sabretooth in a forest. Instead, it’s Wolverine fighting somebody else, in a mine shaft” or somesuch. Also, the quantity of screenplays he receives has increased. Among the prizes: a screenplay for Terminator III. It’s not by James Cameron, mind you—it’s by a fan. And no one is planning to film it. But it’s there, in case anyone is interested. Unfortunately, Glenn isn’t. At any rate, it’s not Glenn’s problem anymore. Karl Bollers is the new Sumissions Editor.)

Secondly (and lastly, for the moment), Disney editor David Seidman (I feel constrained to observe that Dave is a top flight editor, and I am also aware—as is everyone—that Disney is scaling back their line to nonexistence. One doesn’t need an anvil to fall on one to realize quality personnel from aforementioned publishing firm may be available before too long; smart comic companies in need of same, please note) spent much of Wonder-Con humming tunes from Aladdin (at one point we burst into a duet of “Prince Ali,” to the horror of all within earshot), and at the end came up with a nifty parody of “Arabian Nights.” I asked him to write it up for me, and here’s what I got from him:

“My only regret is that the original song isn’t longer; I’ve got a lot more to say about the con. I was all set to rhyme ‘whips’ or ‘quips’ with ‘Eclipse’—and ‘Jim Lee’ with ‘DC’—when the stanzas ran out. I was even envisioning a frenzied climax that confused Kelley Jones with Gerry Jones and somehow coupled ‘conventional hëll’ with ‘Marty Nodell.’ Ah well.

“Anyhow, here it is, with apologies to Ashman and Menken:

Conventional Days

(Sung to the tune of “Arabian Nights”)

Oh, I come to a land filled with heroes in tights—

And they call it the Wonder-Con—

Where they’ll show you some books

that’ll fill you with frights;

It’s barbaric, but, hey—it’s Spawn.

When the pros from the East meet the fans from the West

And a band named Seduction plays,

Then there’s no time to spare, hop aboard US Air

‘Cause it’s time for conventional days.

Conventional days! At conventional noons

Fans are snubbing Dave Sim as they swarm to Ron Lim

And watch foreign cartoons.

Conventional days gave me trembling and fear.

I’ll watch panels until I am ready to kill.

But I’ll come back next year.

Yer a sick man, Seidman.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, might be wearing a crucifix at this moment. One never knows.)