The BID Pronunciation Guide

Originally published May 15, 1998, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1278

Assorted stuff…

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When I was eight years old I encountered a DC hero whose name featured a prefix I had never seen before. I pronounced it “A-KEW-uh Man.” In short order, though, I decided that A-KEW-uh Man made no sense. So I brought the comic to my dad and asked him how to pronounce it. He said, “AH-kwa-man.” I said, “What’s ‘Aqua’?” He said, “You have a dictionary. Look it up.” I did so, and discovered that it referred to water.

In the interest of clarity, DC may want to consider changing the character’s name to “Water Man” to accommodate those kids who have no parents and/or no dictionary. Until then, he’ll probably never be as popular as Marvel’s guy, the Sub-Muh-REE-ner.

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There’s an aspect of human nature that I find most impressive: Bad news is never bad enough. It has to be made worse.

There I was at Wonder Con in Oakland, and fans were coming up to me and saying, “I heard that you were leaving Aquaman and Incredible Hulk and getting completely out of the industry.”

Amazing. It’s not enough that I’m off two books. It has to be even bigger, that I’m bailing on comics altogether. Which should come as a big shock to my editors on Supergirl and Young Justice, not to mention Richard Howell with whom I work on Soulsearchers and Company (in which, by the way, we’ve just embarked on a multi-issue time travel story that sends the cast back to Roman times and brings them face to face with Red Xina, Warrior Kickass, and her sidekick, Dominique-nique-nique. Dave Cockrum pencils, for you old-time X-Men fans. Swing by your local comic store and ask for it so you can be told it doesn’t exist or was cancelled or can’t be ordered.)

And then, of course, all the fans ask me why I left, some of them looking genuinely upset. I never thought I’d reach a point in my career wherein I would actually be nostalgic for the simple old days when the question I kept getting was, “Why do you hate Image?” The answer to that was nice, simple and tidy: “I don’t.” This is infinitely more complicated and upsetting.

Have to remember to bring photocopies of my CBG article about leaving Hulk next time. That way I can just hand them out.

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This just in: Bill Sienkiewicz will be changing the pronunciation of his name from sin-KEV-itch to “Smith.” George PER-ez will be changing his name to George Pez. And Rob Liefeld, whom fans constantly pronounced Leefield even though there’s no second I, will simply refer to himself as ROB! More changes as they occur.

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There’s a tendency to refer to the Harvey Awards as the Fantagraphics Awards since Fantagraphics founded them and (surprise surprise) tends to win lots of them. There’s even intimations (never proven) that the awards are rigged. I don’t especially think they are… but then again, it was something of a hoot after the awards ceremony when Kurt Busiek showed me his plaque for “Best Continuing Series” and said, “Read this… the last line, in particular.” I scanned down and saw the following: “Best Continuing Series: Kurt Busiek’s Astro City. Publisher: Fantagraphics.”

I don’t know about you, but I found it very amusing.

Because someone cancelled at the last minute, the desperate Wonder Con people asked me to make a presentation in one of the categories. I said, “Fine, as long as it’s not Best Writer.'” Naturally, it was for “Best Writer.” Since I was a writer who wasn’t even nominated, my instinct was to refuse since it would make me feel like a schmuck. But then I figured, Eh, go with the feeling.

Kurt and I both told jokes. It was hard to determine which was worse since both got moans. I can’t really write mine down because it doesn’t work at all if spoken… not that it worked all that great when verbalized. But Kurt’s was, “Have you noticed that the elevators in this hotel were made by a company called Schindler. That’s right: They’re Schindler’s Lifts.”

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This issue is supposed to be themed around Elfquest.

I didn’t pick up on Elfquest immediately. I actually came by it in a rather unusual manner. At the time, I was working in the sales department of Playboy Paperbacks… which, before I go any further, was not–as you probably would imagine–a pørņ publisher. The majority of the Playboy Paperbacks list was filled with a dazzling and impressive array of titles and authors, including Morgan Llewellyn (Lion of Ireland) and Anne Tyler (The Accidental Tourist).

I had gotten friendly with the science fiction editor, Sharon Jarvis, and at one point I saw copies of Elfquest lying around her office. I asked her what that was all about, and she told me that they were planning to publish a novelization of the first half dozen or so issues. She asked me if I wanted to read the comics.

Now… it was elves. Elves didn’t interest me. Elves were cutesy, almost too cutesy to live. I flipped through a book at random, seeing characters with big eyes and big ears. Even their wolves looked cute. And I knew the artist, but only because I’d seen her jumping around in a chain mail bikini, which certainly wasn’t an incentive to take her all that seriously as a creative force. But I figured, what the hëll, it was a free read, I figured I’d give it a look. So I said, “Sure.”

By the end of the first issue I was completely hooked into it. Cutter, Leetah, Skywise… heck, I even sympathized with Rayek who had this upstart come in out of nowhere, short and scruffy, and whup his butt in a contest for Leetah’s affections. I thought it all very romantic and exciting and novel.

I still do.

I always liked the name “Leetah.” Once she hooked up with Cutter, I started picturing a whole musical number called “Leetah of the Pack.” You know…

I crossed a desert, though I would die (Die! Die!)

And then I saw the light in her eye (He did, he saw the love light in her eye)

Some folks may call it predilection

But I say it’s recognition

And someday I’ll make her

Leetah of the Pack!

(Owooo! Owooo!)

Of course, we should also point out that “Winnowill,” my personal favorite character, sounds just like “Wheemaway,” thereby suggesting…

“In the mountain, the quiet mountain, the Elfin woman schemes

In the mountain, the mighty mountain, the Elfin woman schemes

A-Winnowill, A-Winnowill, etc.”

Elfquest: The Musical Now there’s a frightening thought.

I remember the first time that I went to a convention where Wendy and Richard Pini were attending to promote the series. I asked Richard at the time where the publishing name, “Warp,” had come from. He said, matter-of-factly, “Wendy And Richard Pini.” Since this was before the Simpsons, it didn’t occur to me to say, “D-oh!”

I was there with Shana, who at the time was a babe in arms, about four, five months old. Wendy asked if she could hold her and I passed Shana over to her. She cradled Shana, and Shana promptly made a little fist and started whacking at Wendy’s bosom. Wendy looked up in confusion and asked what the problem was.

“She’s hungry. She wants you to nurse her,” I said.

Wendy laughed at that, and she looked down at Shana and said, “Sorry, kid. The milk bar is closed.” And Shana looked up at her with an air of annoyed impatience, as if to say, “Well, if those aren’t for feeding me with, then what good are they… or you, for that matter?”

A part of me still misses the old days, when it was just one book, and just one linear story being told. On the other hand, the expansion has certainly been what helped to keep WARP around when so many others have folded. To say nothing of the fact that Elfquest should be the premiere fantasy title that comes to mind when fans go around grumbling that there is a dearth of titles that women would find entertaining.

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This just in: Obsidian, tired of having his name pronounced ohb-sih-DY-un rather than ob-SID-ee-uhn, will be changing his name to Black Guy. David Michelinie, who for years has been telling people his last name rhymes with “Pickle My Knee,” will actually change his name to David Pickle-My-Knee in order to save time. Kurt Busiek (BYOO-sik, not Byoo-SEE-ek) who used to be called Kurt “Marvels” Busiek will simply be calling himself “Kurt Marvels.” And long-time Superman foe Mr. Mxyzptlk will change his name to “Brent Frankenhoff.” With the name now open, Fabian Nicieza will be changing his name to Fabian Mxyzptlk, claiming, “It can’t be worse than Nicieza.”

Unfortunately, I’m just one person and can’t cover the comics field adequately. If you hear of any other name changes being made for the simplification of comic fans everywhere, send them to Second Age, Inc., ATT: What’s In a Name, PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.