Stupid Instructions contest results, Part 2

Originally published April 21, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1118

Continuing from last week the winners of the “Stupid Instructions” contest (which may well be the most stupid contest we’ve ever run. But that’s only appropriate, I guess.)

Most Stupid Computer-Related Instructions

Computers. These mystical, confusing things that they try to make more and more user friendly, and still are totally incomprehensible to average folks. People who are computer-conversant have created an impenetrable language, on par with lawyer’s legalese, doctor’s indecipherable prescriptions, and Star Trek technobabble. Yet it’s comforting to know that even the most adroit computer maven can come up with stuff that’s silly–not on a technical level–but on a common sense level.

Third Runner Up–Israel E. of Port Jefferson, New York, who writes: “My word processor was making a very faint and slightly odd sound, so I opened the cover and peeked inside to see if… I don’t know why, really, but I looked inside. After not discovering anything out of the ordinary, my attention was snagged by a warning impressed into the plastic. It read, ‘CAUTION! Keep fingers, hairs, jewelry etc…, out of the machine while in operation.’

“Now, it seems to me that the implication is that the manufacturer believes that this word processor is an ideal place to store these items (hairs and jewelry) as long as it is not turned on.”

True enough. Tired of that word processor taking up unnecessary space when you’re not composing the great American novel on it? Then use it as a convenient storage spot for your family jewels. So to speak.

Second Runner Up–Jeff L., of Casselton, ND, who writes: “From the container of BASF 3.5” disks: Certified 100% error free. As opposed to, say, 75% error-free and making life with these floppies like an electronic version of that famous scene in The Deer Hunter? Shouldn’t the term ‘error-free’ suffice? It means the same thing, right?”

Absolutely, Jeff. You see this kind of thing everywhere. In comics: “All New, Never Seen Before!” As opposed to all new reprints.

Or on airplanes, where you’re told to stay in your seat until the plane comes to a “full and complete stop” (Not a stop. Not a complete stop. Not a full stop. Only a full and complete stop will do) before you “deplane” (as opposed to “exit”) on your way to your “final destination” (the only “final destination” I know of is under six feet of sod. Until such time, the word “destination” should suffice.)

There’s always an urge to use unnecessary words to give something added weight or importance. The urge becomes ingrained. I had to fight it just before, because my instinct was to say, “Absolutely right, Jeff!” As opposed to being partly right, which is impossible. A former boss of mine, used to say to me (if I handed in a report that had a screwup in it or a letter with a typo), “If something is right, it’s 100% right. If something is 99% right, it’s 100% wrong.” Words to live by.

First Runner Up–Dean B. of Anchorage, Alaska, who wrote succinctly, “Enclosed you will find a photocopy of a Master Lock #2119 (for securing a computer) with its instruction sticker that left me speechless.”

And the sticker on the padlock (which has the key attached) reads, “Use key to lock and unlock.”

Brings to mind a frustrated lock user turning it around and around and saying, “Ðámņ! They forgot to put on the combination spinning thingy! This thing’s no good!” Anyone that dim deserves to have their computer stolen.

First Prize–Doug A. in Vacaville, CA, wrote, “This is a copy of a sticker on the NCR terminal/glorified cash register where I work.”

And what it says is: Power off before disconnecting connecting connectors.

I confess, I don’t know why I think this is such a hoot. I’m not sure why it deserves first prize in this category. Something about the rhythm of it, the way it flows, like Hamlet’s speech, “trippingly and off the tongue.” I just keep reading it over and over, and saying, “Huh?” Read it a few times and you, too, will discover that it’s forever imprinted in your personal memory banks.

Most Stupid Newspaper Gaffe

Yes, yes, I know, technically it’s not an instruction. Still, newspaper blunders are great fun (my favorite being Newsday‘s coverage of a Long Island Railroad accident which proclaimed, “Delays at Penn Station ranged from ninety minutes to an hour and a half.”)

And besides, this is too good to pass up merely because it’s not technically what I was looking for.

First Prize–Jim G. in Harrisburg, IL, who sent in the following from the January 6, 1995 edition of the Southern Illinoisan. We’ve reproduced it here since just describing it doesn’t do it justice. What we’ve got are two unrelated stories, accidentally (and ghoulishly) joined because of placement and headline phrasing:

Most Stupid “Good Lord, Who Doesn’t Know This Already” Instructions:

Third Runner Up: Jeff P. in St. Charles, MO, who sent along printed instructions for operating that most mysterious and complex of instruments: A transistor radio. These include:

“Turn the volume control ‘On’ and set volume to the desired listening level.”

“Tune in your favorite station by rotating the tuning control.”

(I can just see it: “Oh no! I’ve accidentally tuned in a station I really hate! Now the thing’s broken!”)

Second Runners Up: Jim F. of Seattle, WA; Jerry M. of Los Angeles, CA; Zerick C. of Pittsburgh, PA; and Jim G. of Sacramento, CA, all of whom sent in painfully detailed instructions on how to talk on a telephone.

The Unisonic Slimline Phone tells you, to place a call:

1. Lift the handset from the base.

2. Press the dialing buttons.

3. When the other party answers the telephone, start to speak into the mouthpiece of the handset.

4. Hang up the handset upon completion of the conversation.

Another model is more succinct. Under “Making Calls”:

“Lift the handset and dial the telephone number. Speak when the other party answers.”

The GE ProSeries Communicationcenter (yes, one word) apparently has instructions written by the old Saturday Night Live trio of “Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein.” Under Receiving a Call, it says:

1. Phone will RING.

2. PICK-UP Handset.

3. When finished, HANG-UP.

Can’t you just envision the poor slob who needs to be told this, but failed to read the instructions? Let’s call him Herb. Step by step:

1. The phone rings. Like the Clampetts never understanding the dynamics of the front door bell, the origin of the noise is a mystery to Herb. Perhaps he thinks he’s suffering from tinnitus. Maybe he just believes he’s losing his mind. Give Herb credit: He finally discovers the source. And he stands there, screaming at the phone as it rings at him, “Stop it! Stop that ringing! What do you want from my life!! Leave me alone, dámņ you!”

2. He picks up the handset. The cursed ringing stops. Now what? A voice can faintly be heard saying, “Hello? Hello?” Herb does nothing. Merely stares at the handset in fascination and awe. Why? Because he doesn’t know what the purpose of this device is. Even if he had read the instructions, he would be clueless because the instructions neglected to inform him that he should speak. (Alas, poor Herb! If he had only purchased the Unisonic Slimline Phone and read those instructions, he would not be suffering all the torments of Hëll now.)

3. The person on the other end stops talking. The ordeal at an end, Herb believes that he is–as the instructions say–“finished.” If he hasn’t read the instructions, then he just walks away, leaving the handset dangling. But if he has read them, and perused the mysterious words “Hang up,” then he might make the only reasonable interpretation and hang himself. Better that than subject himself to the continued torture of this devil device.

First Runner Up–Brian H. of Bloomfield, NJ (hey, my old home town! I went to Demarest Elementary School and have fond memories of it.) Brian also sent in telephone instructions. The reason I made him first runner up was because he went to the additional effort of labeling his envelope.

On the front he wrote, “To open, carefully place a letter-opener under the back flap of this package. Slide from one side to the other. Remove contents and read contents.” And on the back he wrote, “Do not: 1. Soak this envelope in butane and set on fire; 2. Repeatedly rub this envelope up and down your arms or legs as it may cut skin; 3. Worship this envelop as your God; 4. Ingest the envelope or its contents.” I figure I have to give some sort of recognition for the additional work.

First Prize–Michael F. of Staten Island, who wrote:

“It all started when we took a friend out to dinner to celebrate his engagement. One of my friends ordered lobster and, of course, got a moist towelette with which to clean his hands and face after he was finished eating. I happened to look at the front of the package and noticed the Chinese pagoda. This was a little odd since we were in a Spanish restaurant, but that wasn’t anything compared to what I saw when I turned the package over. Right there in bold, capital letters was the word DIRECTIONS. The directions were: Tear open packet, unfold towelette, and use. My first thought was, ‘Boy, it’s a good thing these directions are here or I wouldn’t know what to do with this moist towelette.’ Then I remembered your contest and figured this was a perfect entry. I hope you share my sentiments.”

Well, I do, Mike, but not exactly for the reasons you might think. The reason your entry gets first prize is because you did, indeed, send me the packet which your friend opened.

In addition to the instructions you quote, it also says at one end, in big, impossible to miss, easy to read capital letters: TEAR HERE.

Why was it easy to read? Because it was intact, that’s why.

Your friend opened the packet at the wrong end.

I do so love irony, don’t you?

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. My God… there’s still more entries. How much stupidity can people be expected to take? Next week finishes it up, I promise.)