Originally published January 29, 1993, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1002
This is something that came across my desk (well, across my fax, actually) that I felt I just had to share with the stalwart readers of But I Digress.
The lyrics of Beauty and the Beast have prompted some absolutely inspired take-offs. I was told, for example, that someone re-did the entire opening song, “Belle,” with the environs moved from provincial France to a particularly nasty neighborhood in New York. The lyrics were something like:
(Belle) “Here comes the pusher with his crack like always
The same old nickel bags to sell
Every morning just the same
Since the morning that we came
To this sleazy little town”
(Pusher) “What’s shaking, Belle?”
Which is all that I remember of it. Anyone with the full lyrics should send ’em on and I’ll be happy to run them here. Just as I’m about to run the following.
I have no idea who wrote it. The copy I received was unsigned. I know I didn’t write it (although, for this presentation, I’ve done some minor tinkering with the lyrics here and there in places where the scan was off. I hope the unknown author will forgive me). This, my friends, is an inspired bit of parody.
Conjure up for yourself the singing voices of Jerry Orbach as Lumiere, Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Potts, and sing this sucker through:
(Musical intro)
(Spoken) Mesdames et monsieurs, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure, that we welcome you to yet another one of our theme parks. And now, relax, let us sell you a churro, as the Disney Company happily empties… your wallet.
Be
Our
Guest, be our guest
Put your paycheck to the test;
When it comes to making profits
Michael Eisner is the best!
Dollars here, dollars there
Yen and francs are everywhere!
With each film (it’s not surprising)
Comes a flood of merchandising!
Dolls and toys! Belle and Beast!
And Gaston (though he’s deceased)!
Buy them all, or your kids will not let you rest!
True, this recession’s tragic,
But we’ll use our magic,
Re: Our guests, Oui, our guests. Be our guest!
To get in
For one day
Thirty dollars you will pay
It’s a figure which increases as inflation has its way.
You must drink!
You must eat!
Or expire from the heat!
We don’t worry ’bout recession,
Since we own ev’ry concession!
Buy a nice souvenir,
‘Cause a gift shop’s always here!
And they’re not very discreet; that we can say!
The chachkas may be crappy,
But the guests are happy,
Oui, our guests
(Looking stressed, screaming children at their breasts)–
See our guests. Oui, our guests. Be our guest!
[Michael Eisner solo–slowly, with feeling]
Life is so unpleasant
When you’re poorer than a peasant,
I’m not sane without a plane to call my own.
Ah, how I adore being so wealthy,
Tokyo just called; they need a loan.
This massive corporation,
Richer than a sovereign nation,
Moving assets that can redefine immense!
Now you ask where does the money come from?
Tourists who dress funny!
They roll in and spend their money!
It’s a guest, it’s a guest!
Buying all that we suggest!
Thank the lord, here comes a horde
With folks back home to be impressed!
Buy that shirt, if you please!
Because money grows on trees!
And who cares if what you’re doin’
Leads you to financial ruin!
For your kid, for your tot,
Those dumb mouse ears must be got!
And you’ll watch
Your net income become distressed!
If real mice could talk,
They’d say to buy our stock
For you our guest
(You, our guest, you, our guest)
You, our guest!
Be our guest,
Be our guest,
Our resorts, they are the best,
It’s ten seconds
since we made another million
(We’re obsessed!)
EuroDisney’s a mess
But we’ll still buy CBS
And the company keeps growing
What a bottom line we’re showing!
We’ll
En-
Large
We’ll expand!
Kings will bow to our command!
When we buy the world, that’s when we’ll take a rest!
Each new theme park expansion
Buys a brand new mansion!
Be our guest!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!
***
Well, that was nice and silly.
For those interested, coming attractions for BID include my foray into the world of late night merchandise-hawking, and–because they’ve been demanding equal time–a Disney villains roundtable. See Maleficent try to ride herd as Jafar, Ursula, and others go at each other, the world in general, and their shabby treatment at the hands of Disney in particular.
And now, I leave you with this bit of real-life silliness that just occurred, even as I’m writing this column. In the background I have on the major New York Public Broadcast station, WNET–Channel 13. Ariel (aged 16 months) was bopping around, playing with her toys, and had just decided to plunk down and watch the next program, Lamb Chop’s Play-Along.
And an announcer broke in and said soberly, “We interrupt our regular schedule because of an unusual educational opportunity. We will be presenting live coverage of the Senate Cabinet confirmation hearings.”
Unusual, indeed. I’d be very interested to read over WNET’s demographic studies that would indicate there’s sizeable audience overlap between viewers of material appropriate for Lamb Chop’s Play-Along and material appropriate for C-SPAN.
Unless, of course, Lamb Chop were up for Secretary of State.
You know, his could start a trend. Barney the Dinosaur for Secretary of the Interior. Big Bird for Secretary of Education. Count Von Count for Secretary of Treasury. Thomas the Tank Engine for Secretary of Transportation.
Oh Bill, Hillary, listen up a mo’.
(Peter David, writer of stuff, had it pointed out to him recently that Image Comics had a double achievement in December. First, they performed the considerable accomplishment of having seven comic books in the top ten on the Wizard top-100 list. And second–and even more impressive–not a single one of them shipped. Talk about maximum achievement for minimum effort. Now, that’s the American way. And for all you retailers who would have liked to order more copies of some titles (like, say, the Superman books) but had to keep money set aside to pay for the Image titles–and which now represent massive lost sales–better luck in January, guys.)
• 
Well, you’re not the first one who has a similar idea. Years ago, in the early eighties, french singer Gérard Lenorman wrote a song entitled “Si j’étais Président”, in which he proposed that Zorro took over Justice, while Finances would go to Uncle Scrooge. Link here:
http://www.paroles-chanson.org/Nom.Chanteur/Gerard.Lenorman.President.htm
Looks like those lyrics need to be updated a touch. Among other things, Disney bought ABC, not CBS…
Well, Eisner’s long gone … thank Something.
.
Did it ever bother anyone else who knows comics history that Disney’s Palpatine and Vader were Eisner and Iger?
.
Ummm, Lamb Chop was, i believe, a grrrllll. CHarlie Horse was a boy.
You confused me because I didn’t notice Peter calling Lamb Chop a boy. I had to read the last few paragraphs several times to see what you were referring to.
I think it’s a typo– ‘his’ is supposed to be ‘this’.
“One million in deficit, ah ah ah! TWO million in deficit, ah ah ah!”
.
Barney should go for Secretary of Energy, if only so that he can then be turned into oil and gas… and then Snuffleupagus can take over. Wormy can be Secretary of the Interior. Though maybe he’d do better in Agriculture…
.
Bert & Ernie can be co-Secretaries of Defense. That’ll get Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell done away with fairly quickly…
.
Clifford the Big Red Attorney General, with the Bloodhound Gang in charge of the FBI, the Teletubbies heading up the DEA, Super Grover leading the US Marshals, and Morgan Freeman (’cause really, why not?) heading up the ATF.
.
King Friday for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
“Well, Eisner’s long gone … thank Something.
.
Did it ever bother anyone else who knows comics history that Disney’s Palpatine and Vader were Eisner and Iger?”
.
If it weren’t for Eisner, Disney would likely be very different and greatly diminished today.