And We’re Good To Go for Blogging the Oscars

No, as of this writing, ABC and Cablevision haven’t come to terms. Instead I took Robert Fuller’s advice: I found a nearby hotel that has ABC and was charging a dirt cheap room rate since it was last minute and Sunday is a dead day for them. So the Davids decamped to the hotel and as of 8:30 PM I’ll be doing my running commentary for the Oscars. Even if they wind up sorting this out at the last possible second, screw it. At least I didn’t have to sit there watching the time tick down, feeling helpless in the crossfire of two huge corporations. Plus I took Caroline swimming, so it’s all good.

See you below the cutline of this post at 8:30 EST.

PAD

UPDATED 8:27–We’re three minutes away, and Cablevision is still gone.

8:30: And we’re off. It’s all the nominated actors and actresses. Please don’t let them burst into song.

8:31: NPH? WTF?

8:33: “No One Wants to Do It Alone.” The first Academy opening song that could be seen as discussing the loneliness of mášŧûrbáŧìøņ.

8:34: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin make their entrance. It’s almost anticlimactic.

8:35: “And this is Alec Baldwin.” Heh.

8:35: Ðámņ right most losses. Streep has only won twice, I think.

8:36: Plummer should really be in there for Parnassus.

8:37: Oh look. Here’s one of the actresses who’s going to lose to Mo’nique.

8:38: Yeah, I’m not sure I get the video game joke either. Like the CAA gag, though. And the reference to “The Jerk.”

8:40: Thank you for spraying those dámņëd things, Steve.

8:41; Ohhhh, and Bigelow and Cameron are seated right behind each other. And Clooney looks braced.

8:41: This is the best opening monologue in years. Martin and Baldwin keep setting each other up, taking turns playing each other’s straight man.

8:43: Actually I thought Martin was going to say, “And if you’d like a transcript of tonight’s show, you must be a Cablevision customer.”

8:44: Someone please subtitle Penelope Cruz. I”m having trouble with the accent.

8:45: Y’know, if you looked at the entire cast of “Cheers,” who would have pegged Woody Harrelson to have the most successful film career?

8:46: Should win: Plummer. Will probably win: The Nazi guy.

8:48: 1 for 1.

8:50: I think Cablevision just restored ABC. Figures.

8:51: “MILEY CYRUS!!!!” (I’ve seen the dámņëd trailer for an upcoming Brendan Fraser film in which he screams “Miley Cyrus” while serving to avoid a boulder a few too many times.)

8:55: Let’s see if we can spot Neil Gaiman in the audience for Coraline.

8:58: Up.

8:58: 2 for 2. But who didn’t see that coming? And it was tough to spot Neil since they didn’t actually go to the audience as they announced each nominee.

9:00: MILEY CYR…sorry.

9:01: Is it just me or do they look like the top of a lesbian wedding cake?

9:01: I was so annoyed finding out that they weren’t going to do a full performance of the nominated songs. I always liked that part.

9:02: Well, lessee…assuming that the Princess songs canceled each other out, probably the song from Crazy Heart.

9:03: 3 for 3.

9:05: So Chris Pine, who was in an SF film that should have been nominated, introduces another SF film that WAS nominated? That kinda sucks.

9:06: Ariel’s hoping that Tina Fey comes out as Sarah Palin.

9:12: Downey’s in his own world. Love the sneakers.

9:13 Should win Bášŧárdš Will WIn Hurt Locker

9:15 4 for 4

9:17 Molly RIngwald is looking good. On second thought she looks like a deer in the headlights.

9:18 Nice John Hughes tribute.

9:22: The brat pack, together again.

9:23: My God, one of Hughes’ sons looks just like him.

9:23: I swear, “Up” should win for Best Film. It won’t, but it should.

9:25: And the “Gee, Y’THINK?!” award goes to the announcer who just said, “Which film will win for best visual effects? Will it be Avatar?”

9:26: Wow. I just counted back: A seven minute tribute to John Hughes. I haven’t seen that much time dedicated to a director who wasn’t getting the Irving Thalberg award.

9:28: Hey, I recognize that actress on the right. She was “Anna Maria” in “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Whatever happened to her? It looked like she was fighting her dress on the way down and the dress won.

9:30: “The thing I like best about short films? They’re short.” Coming next: “The thing I like best about movies? They move.”

9:31: I have no freaking clue about best short animated. But I’m hoping for “Loaf and Death.” Will probably be Logorama.

9:32: Wow. Considering the entirety of Logorama that I’ve seen was that clip on the Oscars, I was basing the guess pretty much on that it was French. Okay. So I’m 5 for 5.

9:33: Best Doc Short. Good lord. Uhm…Music by Prudence.

9:34: Good Christ. I knew NOTHING about it. Total guess. 6 for 6.

9:35: And the winner for first people to be played off: Music by Prudence.

9:35: Live action short. Uhm…Kavi?

9:36: Oh well. 6 for 7.

9:37: I love Ben Stiller.

9:38: And somewhere Ben Stiller’s daughter is hiding her eyes saying, “Why does Dad embarrass me like this?!?”

9:40: Make up: Rooting for Trek for obvious reasons.

9:41: Yea. 7 for 8.

9:43: Am I the only one who wants to see a clip from this film intercut with Heath Ledger’s Joker snarling, “Why so serious?”

9:45: At Jason’s request: 1 5 18 23 47 49

9:48: Should win: Precious. Will win: “Up in the Air.”

9:50: 7.5 for 9 (I give myself half points when I hit the “Should win.” It’s my scoring system, so nyaah.)

9:51: Anyone know if he’s the first black screen writer to win?

9:52: “Here to thank me is Queen Latifah!” Great intro. Great dress, Latifah.

9:53: These one liners are great. I wish they’d broadcast the Governors Awards.

9:54: I think it safe to say this will be the only context in which you’ll hear the names Lauren Bacall and Roger Corman linked.

9:55: Ball jokes. They just never get old.

9:55: Just skip straight to Mo’nique. If she doesn’t win, it’s going to be astounding.

9:59: 8.5 for 10, but really, you didn’t have to be Nostradamus for that one.

10:00: Best acceptance speech tonight. Thank God they didn’t start trying to play her off.

10:02: A salute to horror films? Really? The word “Why?” comes to mind, but okay.

10:03: Did everyone see that ad for Cervical Cancer? Ariel’s observation: “Cervical cancer should not be shiny.”

10:05: Run! Run, little stage hand, run!

10:06: Sigourney Weaver looks like she wandered in from the set of “Spartacus: Blood and Sand.”

10:06: Should win: Parnassus. Will win: Avatar.

10:07: 9.5 for 11.

10:09: For two guys who have never been a comedy team, Martin and Baldwin are a good comedy team.

10:10: Costume design. Should win: Parnassus. Will win: Victoria.

10:10: 10.5 for 12. Didn’t seen Young Victoria, but Academy voters love films set in the Victorian or Elizabethan era, so it seemed a reasonable guess. Actually I’m surprised Holmes wasn’t up.

10:12: Oh, that was a tragically designed dress.

10:15: For those who were asking about Mo’nique’s “Politics” comments, she’s been talking for months–even before she was nominated–about all the politics involved in the entire process of choosing the nominations, and saying that she didn’t think people gave the voters enough credit for being able to cut through it all. The most recent example was the politics lobbed at “Hurt Locker” to try and slow down its momentum. That kind of thing.

10:18: I spoke too soon. Best tribute to horror films ever. Actually, that’s kind of like Kathleen and me trying to get some sleep.

10:18: Oh. Crap. I didn’t speak too soon. They should have just left it with the Baldwin/Martin bit.

10:20: To the theme of Young Frankenstein? Uh kay.

10:21: Wait…Marathon Man is a horror movie? Aliens is a horror movie?

10:22: Well, if anyone was dozing off, that should take care of it.

10:23: I love these technical explanation bits. I still remember when, to underscore the importance of editing, they ran a clip from “The French Connection” with a little counter tabulating the edits. It was like 97

10:24: Sound editing. Probably Avatar.

10:25: Wow. Hurt Locker instead of Avatar. That leaves me at 10.5 for 13 but it might also presage an upset for “Hurt Locker” over “Avatar” as some have been suggesting might happen.

10:25: Hmm. I’ll say Hurt Locker this time, just to see.

10:27: Oookay. 11.5 for 14, and now Cameron must be sweating just a touch. You’d think that Avatar would have all the tech awards locked up.

10:28: Was Elizabeth Banks in ET? What’s up with that?

10:28: It was a night to celebrate all those who nobody gives enough of a dámņ about to want to see on TV.

10:29: It took Tarantino to put Travolta’s career back on track, and it took Travolta’s bizarre project and acting choices to send it back off the rails.

10:35: Cinematography. Okay, this time I’ll say Avatar again.

10:35: 12.5 for 15. So basically Avatar looked better and Hurt Locker sounded better? Is that it?

10:37: Tribute to Swayze?

10:37: The star of “Ghost” for the salute to the deceased, one of whom is Patrick Swayze, her co-star. And she’s wearing an outfit that seems to be have been designed by the Mummy. So it’s consistent.

10:41: Where was Farrah?

10:45: J-Lo appears to be wearing a dress with a partly developed conjoined twin dress attached.

10:46: I loved the music from Holmes. Just please, God, no interpretive tap dance to “Saving Private Ryan.”

10:47: Actually there was a later cut in the Holmes soundtrack where he’s pursuing Irene Adler that would have been superior for a dance sequence. It screams to be performed by a belly dancer.

10:48: Fosse Fosse Fosse Fosse, Madonna, Madonna…

10:49: Boy, that guy has some kinda moves.

10:51: Best original score. Should win: Up. Will win: Avatar.

10:52: Excellent. 13 for 16 and I got rid of the .5.

10:53: Okay, that’s my new favorite acceptance speech. I always remember my father saying when I was 17, “Your hobbies are great, but you can’t make a living out of science fiction and comic books.”

10:54: Best visual effects. Cameron’s guys should be heading for the stage already.

10:55: Gee, only called that one back at 9:25. 14 for 17.

10:57: Maybe Clooney will finally crack a smile.

11:00: Why does that show “Happy Town” look like it should be entitled “Stephen King’s Happy Town.”

11:01: Best documentary feature. Haven’t seen any of them. I haven’t gotten this category right since “Inconvenient Truth.” Taking a guess: The one about Mexicans.

11:04: Well, sure, because what’s more important: Mexicans? The food we eat? Or, y’know, dolphins. 14 for 18.

11:05: Well, it’s not the French Connection bit about editing, but not bad.

11:07: Keeping with the best looking, Avatar, but I’ll go for Hurt locker.

11:07: Son of a gun. 15 for 19 and now Cameron’s domination is in serious jeopardy.

11:08: “Hurt Locker” may have been gaining ground, but having Keanu Reeves introduce it may have just sucked the life out of it.

11:10: So here’s what it’ll come down to. I just can’t see Bigelow win for best director and then Avatar wins best picture. And vice versa for Cameron. But what further complicates matters is that with the new wonky voting system, the film that gets the most #1 votes is not necessarily going to be the one that wins.

11:14: Is it my imagination, or have there been a LOT of guys in ill-fitting tuxes?

11:15: Kath says “White Ribbon” is going to win Best Foreign and I have no opinion, so I’ll go with that.

11:16: 15 for 20. Thanks, Kath.

11:18: It’s an epic! It’s a love story! It’s a floor wax AND a dessert topping!

11:20: Lady, if “The Blind Side” won, THAT would be a surprise.

11:21: If you’ve had a Coke in the last twenty minutes, you’re trying to get enough caffeine in your system to stay awake for the end of the Oscars.

11:23: If the series of “V” was as fun as the commercials, it would be way better.

11:23: Maybe Clooney is cranky because he knows Bridges is going to win for Best Actor and he’s not looking forward to losing.

11:25: I refuse to believe this anecdote. Michelle Pfeiffer is perfect. End of story.

11:26: Clooney smiled and his face didn’t crack. There goes that theory.

11:28: The Oscars will be over in two minutes according to the announced running time.

11:30: Show’s over. Good night, every–oh. It’s still on.

11:31: I wonder if they each wrote their own speeches.

11:32: Bridges.

11:32: No real shock there. 16 for 20.

11:33: I chatted with Bridges for a few minutes during the Iron Man after-party. He’s pretty much just like the Dude. Now the Dude has an Oscar. Thing is, the show’s running long. Do they play him off?

11:35: I guess they figure, “Screw it, we’ve blown the cut-off, might as well let ’em ramble.”

11:36: “See who wins Best Director and Best film!” So we’re…what? Skipping over Best Actress?

11:40: If they have five directors or actors come out to extol the virtues of the nominated directors, I may lose it.

11:41: Ah, I remember “Hope Floats.” I always thought that if only they had tied Hope to the hull of the Titanic, no one would have died.

11:42: Who’s the guy behind Mirren who looks totally stoned?

11:47: Best Actress. Should win: Sidibe. Will win: Bullock.

11:47: What the hëll was Penn talking about?

11:48: No real shock there either. 17 for 21.

11:50: Should I know why Bullock knows that Streep is a good kisser?

11:52: Who’s that long-haired guy in the weird tux?

11:53: Okay. Despite the fact that I didn’t like the film, and despite the temptation to make history by having a woman or an African-American winning…I think it’s gonna be Cameron.

11:54: Glad to be wrong. 17 for 22.

11:58: Somewhere right now every ex-wife of James Cameron is snickering.

11:58: Dammit, Hanks! You’re supposed to read all the nominees! I didn’t have a chance to say “Hurt Locker” based on Bigelow having won best director. Which is what I was gonna say, honest. Which would leave me at 18 for 23.

12:02: And Alec Baldwin gets the last word. Excellent.