“Do I have to transform into a food?” Bela asked
“You will transform into your innermost desire,” the woman replied wispily. “Forged in the fires of transmutation, as the onion and the potato are plunged into the vat of oil and emerge, tempered and strong, golden and delicious.”
”You mean they turn into apples?” Bela was confused now. She was worried that the woman would seize on her first stray thought and turn her into that, so she was trying to keep her thoughts blank lest she turn into the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. Naturally, she now couldn’t think of anything else.
“In the sense the potato is the apple of the earth, perhaps,” said the woman, a bit less wispily. “What lies deep within you, yearning to be unleashed?”
”I think I really like vanilla,” Bela replied promptly.
“It doesn’t have to be a food!” the woman snapped, sounding not at all wispy and looking a good deal less diaphanous.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, back in the cavern, the tension had diminished considerably as it became clear that Bela wasn’t going to return any time soon. Jakob and Vlad had embarked on a protracted and dull argument about whether it was stalactites or stalagmites that hung from the ceiling, while Woeisme pulled Fig aside for an urgent whispered conversation.
”Wasn’t finding the One Onion Ring supposed to be my quest?” she complained when they were out of earshot.
”I think it doesn’t matter who retrieves it, as long as it’s recovered and doesn’t fall into the wrong hands,” Fig reassured her.
“Yeah, but Mom wasn’t even on this quest!” Woeisme whined. “She just appeared out of nowhere to tell Jakob he was drunk! That is so like my mother—I finally start to develop my own interests and she butts in! What’s next, trying to steal my boyfriends?”
”Hmm…” Fig mused.
“Forget it,” she snapped. “Besides, you still smell like nail polish remover, Circus Peanut Boy.”
* * * * *
Meanwhile again, Edwood and Something, who had pretty much dropped out of the story entirely, were taking the opportunity to re-grout the tub and catch up on “RuPaul’s Drag Race” on the DVR.
* * * * *
Yet again meanwhile, Bela had finally gotten past the whole food thing to make a halfway sensible decision about her inner self.
“Are you sure this is the transformation you desire?” the woman asked Bela. “Once I return you to what passes for reality, there can be no undoing your choice.”
“Pretty sure,” Bela said. “Although I’m still tempted by the marshmallow-cream-filled chocolate bunny…”
”Let it go,” the woman advised, raising a hand and making mystic gestures. As the cavern slowly began to fade in around Bela, the young woman said, “Wait! Who are you?”
”A mysterious woman who distributes supreme power through the medium of fried starches,” the woman replied as she faded. “Who could I be but…the Lady of the Latke?”
* * * * *
“No, it’s a stalagmite because it might fall on your head and kill you—“
”Are you sure she’s just a Reader Proxy–?”
The two arguing duos broke off their discussions as Bela slowly faded in among them. Remembering that they might have to destroy her to save the world, they hastily tried to remember the positions they’d been standing in and the serious expressions they’d been wearing when she vanished.
When she achieved full solidity, however, they found they were unable to maintain their resolve. Something about her new self forbade it.
“No,” whispered Vlad. “She has finally achieved what she desired most in high school. (Which is pretty sad, when you think about it.)
“She has become…popular.””
• 
And here I’d figured if she’d become her heart’s desire, we’d have two Edwoods in the story now.
And instead, as this installment points out, we essentially have none at this point.
Okay, that Something / Edwood sequence bit was amazing.
Still nobody has mentioned how Fig has suddenly re-joined the land of the living again.
Yeah, I have to say, as much fun as this free-form sort of story is, it could REALLY benefit from an editor who could just maintain some sort of internal consistency. Having dead people come alive, or people who weren’t in a particular group, suddenly appear in that group… well, it just gives the impression that the writer didn’t bother to read what had gone before.
Some of the really egregious contradictions, I’ve actually edited out. Honestly, though, some of the fun of this is seeing how various writers respond to the contradictions and try to straighten them out. Think of it as the world’s longest No-Prize contest. I try not to have too heavy a hand on this. That is the reason, though, that I expanded the response time to 36 hours, so that people could actually take the time to read what’s gone before.
.
PAD
“Lady of the Latke”: I hope the Jewish pun and King Arthur appreciater running this went “yes!” at that. I LOL’d. And I’m not even Jewish, or a good punster…
Amusing, is what this is!
And I salute the “Far Side” reference.
If Bela is now “Popular”, this story could take a Wicked turn…
Can we let this die now?