| Peter David.net

NOTE FROM PAD: Brett’s entry is nearly 2400 words, but I’m letting it run at its full length because something this unhinged and that involved this much work shouldn’t be curtailed.

Woeisme sighed. Aunt Alesse had been drinking again. Apparently it was a weekday. That didn’t mean her visions weren’t within the realm of possibility, though. The notion that a dangerous new player might enter their chaotic lives spurred the girl to action. Gathering Something in her slipstream—deeply relieved that Something Else was no more than a Wild Turkey feather—Woeisme departed Sullen Manor. She and her brother needed to find their parents immediately.

Doing so proved ridiculously simple. This part of faux-Washington State was potato country—distinct from nuclear reactor country and magic castle country, of course. Everybody knew that Stephen Colbert, the One True Potato, kept a cottage in the area. Guided tours were available for a bear pelt per adult; children toured for free. Edwood and Bela were there, like, all the time, and bears were becoming scarce.

Continue Reading “POTATO MOON, Part 51: “Once More, With Peeling” by Brett Hudgins” →

In Florida, home of Disney World and people who can’t read voting ballots, Springstead High School valedictorian Jem Lugo wrote a valedictorian speech that was submitted to the principal for approval…and was declared unfit, insulting, “appalling.” (Insert whatever horror-filled adjective you wish.) The bowdlerized version of the speech she wound up delivering was soporific in comparison…deliberately so, I suspect. Jem Lugo, with her 3.98 GPA and wicked sense of humor is going places, while the principal is–I would guess–not.

Herewith the entirety of her speech as reprinted in the local newspapers:

Springstead High School’s class of 2009. Look around you. This is it.

No more essays, no more FCAT, no more required reading. We survived 13 grueling years of school, all for this moment, where we get to wear gowns that kind of remind me of a silk version of a Snuggie, and these hats that make every single one of us look absolutely ridiculous. Hate to break it to you, but no one looks good in these hats. Even you, Ben Noury.

Continue Reading “Remember This Kid’s Name” →