THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Dec. 14, 1990

With the holiday season upon us, it occurs to me that there might be some who are still stuck for presents to give their loved ones, or even their hated ones.

Now, of course, CBG has its annual holiday supplement with suggestions from various folks for ideal gifts. If you’re still stuck for possibilities, But I Digress cordially offers you these options by other respected individuals within the comics industry, who were unable to contribute in time:

James W. Fry, penciller of Star Trek, Blasters, and others:

1) Ideal for any Twin Peaks fans– remove the clothes from any blonde fashion doll, paint her lips blue, wrap her in plastic, and you’ve got the Laura Palmer Inaction Figure. Small letters to stick under her fingernails are optional.

2) The Battery-Operated Battery Recharger– Insert batteries, insert batteries, and presto.

Bruce Banner, noted physicist:

I believe strongly that books make an ideal gift. I would recommend some of my personal favorites:

1) A Simple Introduction to Particle Physics

2) The Yo Yo Syndrome: How to Deal With Abrupt Weight Loss and Weight Gain

3) Sybil

4) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

5) Bix: The Unauthorized Biography of Bill Bixby

Thanos, noted demigod:

1) A soul gem

2) A soul gem

3) A soul gem

4) A soul gem

5) Gameboy from Nintendo

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime:

1) Stacked Deck, the new collection of Joker stories

2) Fake dog crap in a bag. Or at least, say it’s fake.

3) Video assortment of One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Chinatown, and The Shining

4) Electric cattle prod– great at parties

5) Plenty of lip gloss

Lex Luthor, businessman and philanthropist:

In this time when war seems to hang over us once again, casting a pall upon our fair world, I strongly feel it’s time to set aside differences. There may be people whom you consider to be enemies. Colleagues with whom you’ve had disagreements. Business rivals who have attempted to screw you over on past occasions.

It’s time to put those hostilities behind you. I would strongly suggest giving gifts to those who were once your enemies. Mend fences. And the ideal way to do it is with jewelry.

Not diamonds, though, or rubies. Instead, I would suggest jewelry of the type I make sure these days to give to all my former enemies: Kryptonite.

I realized the wonders of this magnificent little gem when I started wearing a kryptonite ring. What it did for my hand, I can’t begin to tell you. So I would recommend for your enemies:

1) a kryptonite choker

2) a kryptonite wrist bracelet (engraving optional)

3) a kryptonite ankle bracelet

But wait! Why stop at jewelry? For a woman who used to drive you insane and now you wish to give an intimate gift to, may I suggest:

4) a kryptonite underwire bra

And for the man in your life who fancies himself the athlete, he cannot do without:

5) the kryptonite protective crotch cup

Believe me– they’ll never forget it. I certainly didn’t.

Puma, businessman and hero/villain:

1) Nikes

2) Reeboks

3) Keds

4) Air Jordans

5) Pumas

Victor Von Doom, monarch:

1) A country, the ideal gift for the man who has everything

2) Diplomatic Immunity It comes with owning a country, and I certainly don’t leave home without it.

3) WD-40, a handy aerosol oil that can be used for hundreds of everyday applications, including rusty locks, squeaky door hinges, and stubborn armor joints

4) Show her you love her: Send her to another dimension for a vacation.

5) One hundred pairs of stretch socks

Bart Simpson, student:

1) Edible shorts

2) New skateboard

3) Simpsons T-Shirts, dolls, figures, lunch box, etc.

4) The “Trump” board game, so you can change the rules and make him come out a real loser

5) The answers to your next major test

Captain America, patriot:

1) U.S. Savings Bonds

2) An Amtrak “See America” rail pass

3) The deluxe edition of Profiles in Courage

4) A chain-mail flag: bulletproof and it won’t bum

5) A Flexible Flier with red and white concentric circles

Barry Allen, police scientist:

1) A microwave oven

2) A crate of Jolt

3) A Federal Express account

4) Coupons for Domino’s Pizza and their guaranteed 30-minute delivery

5) A ring to keep your clothes in (I used to have an outfit I kept in a ring. Now I have a new version of the outfit, and I’d need a ring about five feet wide to accommodate this sculpted monster).

Darkseid, Lord of Apokolips:

1) Power

2) Fear

3) Terror

4) Total Domination

5) Superstar Barbie

(Peter David, writer of stuff, wishes he could have a big, huge, impressive, incredibly long deadline.)