Movie remakes and more

Originally published November 3, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1146

Miscellaneous thoughts:

There’s a “public service” ad presently running in local theaters which features Julia Louis-Dreyfus talking about film preservation. It starts off with her watching a clip from The Odd Couple (the film, not the TV series). And then she explains how we are in danger of losing our film heritage. We are told that movies, unless they are specially preserved, are deteriorating even as we’re sitting in the theater. Time is ticking.

And what occurred to me was that, yes, this was a tragic thing. Movies falling apart, the celluloid self-destructing.

On the other hand…

It also meant that, throughout the country, in every state throughout this great land of ours…

…prints of Showgirls are decaying as well. And with any luck, Punisher and Captain America have crumbled to dust by now.

See? You can find a bright side in anything.

* * *

I was not the least bit surprised when O.J. Simpson pulled out of the TV interview. I never saw the point of it in the first place. Those who are convinced he did it assume he’s a liar and won’t believe his claims. So he won’t change any minds on that score. He could, however, say something stupid and end up changing the minds of those who believe he was falsely accused. It’s a lose-lose situation. No upside to speak of.

In any event, people keep speculating about the questions they would have liked to ask him. (Like, “So have you bought new gloves?”). But me, I’m fascinated by the polls that indicate all those people who state uncategorically that they believe O.J. was framed. I’d like to ask them questions. Questions such as:

1) Do you believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone?

2) Do you believe the Kennedys had Marilyn Monroe assassinated?

3) Do you believe Elvis is still alive?

4) Do you believe in reincarnation?

5) UFOs?

6) The Loch Ness Monster?

7) Do you believe the statistically insignificant Nielsen ratings remotely reflect the viewing habits of this country?

8 ) Do you believe Clinton has a prayer in 1996?

9) Do you believe a Joe Ezterhaus script… any Joe Ezterhaus script… is worth $1.5 million?

10) Do you believe that there would be a circumstance under which you’d go on a national talk show and talk about your most personal problems?

11) Do you believe Marvel will never open up retail outlets?

12) Do you believe everything you read in supermarket tabloids?

I’d be curious to see the number of “yes” answers that overlap. After all, people don’t exists in a vacuum, and what they believe in other matters would be indicative to me just how seriously I should take their other opinions.

One other thing, and then I’ll cheerfully leave this dead horse to be flogged by others…

People have been comparing the O.J. trial to that of Lizzie Borden. Immortalized in a poem about doing her parents in, it was popularly believed that she had slain them with an axe. But she was found Not Guilty.

So, to be fair, I unleash the following doggerel:

O.J. Simpson took a knife,

Whacked a waiter, whacked his wife,

When they saw what he had done,

They blamed it all on Mark Fuhrman.

* * *

I saw trailers for this hot new movie staring Demi Moore, so pulse poundingly photographed that I thought it was for that new film of hers about strippers. Imagine my shock when I saw it was The Scarlet Letter, that immortal classic which put me to sleep in high school (the endless “Customs House” chapter alone is enough to send one screaming from American Lit class.)

And coming soon, Harrison Ford starring in the remake of Sabrina. With other remakes on the way, I’m sure.

What I want to see is remakes for the 90s that suit the styles of particular directors or producers. For example:

1) ‘Boat. A remake of Showboat. A Joel Silver production, directed by Richard Donner. Imagine, if you will, the tension. A bomb has been planted aboard a turn-of-the-century Mississippi paddlewheeler by a demented ex-choreographer (Dennis Hopper). If the ship goes slower than five nautical miles an hour, the thing explodes. The anxiety builds as desperate lawman Sam Clemens (Keanu Reeves) commandeers a rowboat and frantically rows his way in front of the ship, holding up a sign that says Bomb on Boat.

Upon realizing the predicament, Cap’n Andy (Ronny Cox) has a heart attack and it’s up to Noli (Sandra Bullock) to keep the ‘boat going while Sam tries to think of a way out of their predicament.

A generational saga spanning the course of twenty years, ‘Boat’s soundtrack would feature songs by Hole, Hootie and the Blowfish, and Snoop Doggie Dog’s rendition of “Old Man River.”

2) Casablanca. A Paul Verhoven film. Script by Joe Ezterhaus (paid $3 million for a script written on toilet paper during a bout with the trots). American ex-patriot Rick Blaine (Arnold Schwarzenegger) runs a combination strip joint and brothel in Casablanca. His carefully cultivated air of ennui is shattered when his old lover, Ilsa (Sharon Stone) comes to town, seeking passage to America. But there’s a twist, for Ilsa is not alone… she’s accompanied by her lesbian lover, freedom fighter Victoria Lazlo (Julie Andrews).

Will Ilsa remain with Rick? Will Rick try and reawaken the heterosexual relationship they left behind? Will Captain Renault (Gerard Depardieu) be a friend or an ally, a question that can also be asked of rival club owner Signor Ferrari (Marlon Brando). And meantime Major Strasser (Rutger Hauer) is closing in…

Featuring major action sequences as Rick takes out entire Nazi divisions with his bare hands. At the same time, Ilsa is pressed into service lap dancing at Club Rick’s to earn her exit visa, sending Rick, Ilsa and Victoria into a dizzy downward spiral of sexual exploration and depravity.

Sample dialogue: RICK–Of all the strip joints in all the towns in all the world, she has to come in mine.

3) The Wizard of Oz: A Quentin Tarantino film.

Open with the Emerald City. A young girl and her companions dies in a hail of gunfire.

CUT TO a downtrodden street kid Dorothy Gale (Uma Thurman), while preparing to shoot up in an alleyway in Los Angeles, trips and falls. The hypo buries itself in her chest and she collapses on the filthy ground.

COT TO a good witch (Bette Midler) who travels around on a silver surfboard and an evil witch (Amanda Plummer) who kill each other in an explosive hail of gunfire.

CUT TO Dorothy, sent into a bizarre drug-induced dream (inspired by a measurement line on the hypo tube that reads “oz”) in which she finds herself in a bizarre land called Oz. She discovers the corpses of two witches but has no idea what happened. Dorothy is on her own and has to travel to seek help from the Wizard of Oz (Quentin Tarantino). On the way she teams up with a hitman who has no brain (John Travolta), a hitman who has no heart (Samuel L. Jackson) and a hitman who has no bravery (Bruce Willis). They arrive at the gates of the Emerald City and are machine gunned to death.

CUT TO an alleyway where Dorothy’s corpse is looted by a passing bum (Harvey Keitel) who exposes himself and slinks away.

4) North by Northwest directed by Brian DePalma. Tom Hanks instead of Cary Grant. Otherwise identical to the original.

5) Schindler’s List written and directed by Mel Brooks. Sure, it’s recent. So was Star Wars when Brooks produced Spaceballs, and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves when he did Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Retitled Schindler’s Lisp, Mel Brooks is in a double role as Hitler and as Schindler. Schindler is portrayed as a flaming lisping homosexual, with many hilarious results. Anne Bancroft plays his frustrated wife, with Dom DeLuise as the corpulent Nazi Commander who is amused by Schindler’s mincing.

Early word on the Concentration Camp sequence is that it’s Brooks at his best. Fearful Jews forced to play Concentration, overseen by Alex Trebeck as himself, while singing Nazis form a kickline and perform “Springtime for Schindler.”

Sample Lyric from the opening song, performed by Mel Brooks:

“He’s making a list;

Wow, wotta guy;

Gonna decide who’ll

Live and who’ll die;

Oskar Schindler’s coming to town.”

Promo poster: Brooks as Hitler, thumbing his nose and saying, “So? How’s by Jew?”

Boy…

It’s moments like this that I think I’ve got way too much time on my hands…

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. And the above doesn’t even include The Agony and the Ecstasy featuring Art Adams as Michelangelo taking forever to finish the Sistine Chapel ceiling…)