The Most Awards 1995

Originally published January 6, 1995, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1103

It’s that time again.

Continuing a long-standing tradition that’s been around ever since I first did it last year, BID herewith presents its list of Most Awards. Named after Donny Most, the Most Awards are a tribute to passing oddities, curious happenings, and passing fancies (all of which kind of describe Most’s brief claim to fame as Ralph Malph on Happy Days.)

Actually, of course, it’s an excuse to do a column about a variety of stuff which either bugs me or simply doesn’t fit in anywhere else. In any event: The 1995 Most Awards. May I push the envelope, please?

Most Subversive Comics Story

“Batman Meets Depressman”: In the last week of October, an eight-page Batman story was burning up the fax lines of various industry folks. “Batman Meets Depressman,” written and drawn by the acclaimed French artist Moebius, was commissioned by DC for inclusion in a Batman anthology.

The outrageous entry gives us Batman confronting what at first appears to be a run-of-the-mill burglar (still clothed in prison garb.) The burglar demands a battle, and Batman rather amenably agrees to allow the thief to change into his “special battle outfit.” It’s special, all right; he puts on a flowered dress and confronts Batman as the alleged image of the caped crusader’s mother. Batman, in the best tradition of Elmer Fudd being hosed by Bugs Bunny, immediately falls for it. The bogus mother announces, “I will punish you because you are nothing more than an animal.” Dissolving into tears, Batman pleads, “Ooh, mommy! Noooo! Please…!” But his tears avail him not, and—represented by a child-sized version of himself—Batman drops trou and gets cane spanked by the chortling self-proclaimed “King of all villains.”

As the spanking continues, young Bruce (inexplicably called “Billy”) is saved by a vision of his heroic alter ego, accompanied by his real mother who assures him “I love men with long ears.” His psyche thus salved, Batman punches out Depressman, and cheerfully informs a cop that the secret to his success is that he “spent a lot of time in Supertherapist’s office.”

The word “weird” does not begin to cover it. Nor does the word “publishable” is my guess, as far as DC is concerned. (Although I personally think they should. What the hëll, says I. Batman has survived far loopier incarnations.)

Most Welcome Return

Seduction of the Innocent (Chris Christensen, Max Collins, Miguel Ferrer, Steve Leialoha and Bill Mumy) to the San Diego Comic-Con: A little rough here and there because of the truncated rehearsal time, nevertheless SOTI’s performance at the 25th anniversary of the SDCC (which this column made a blind reference to, back when the group’s return was still sworn to secrecy) was roundly welcomed and cheered.

Now if only something could have been done about the peculiar timing snafu which had crowd-control guards keeping enthusiastic throngs of would-be partygoers (including yours truly) at bay behind velvet ropes, forbidding entrance. In the meantime, SOTI played the first four songs in its set to a nearly vacant dance floor and became convinced that no one was going to show up.

Eventually the guards announced, “Okay, we’re going to let people in now—one at a time, single file.” At which point the exasperated crowd, outnumbering the guards 500 to 1, stopped listening and just moved forward en masse. Good thing, too, otherwise we’d probably still be filing in.

Still, all in all a minor glitch that I’m sure won’t be repeated upon the band’s return. (Next year, we hope?)

Most in Need of a Reality Check

That Wacky Image Tyke: Things are fine between myself and several of the Image guys, but there’s still one who, it would seem, believes that Todd McFarlane fumbled the “Bash Peter David” ball and has endeavored to recover it and run with it. His behavior leaves several of his peers shaking their heads in exasperation. I will withhold his name and instead refer to him as That Wacky Image Tyke or, simply, T.W.I.T.

Once accused of aping McFarlane’s art style, apparently he’s endeavoring to mimic Todd’s “Bully Boy of Image” persona as well. T.W.I.T. has continually used his comic’s letters pages to take potshots at my reputation and ability (a sort of savage drag-on, if you will). He employs the familiar tactics of unsupported smears, fabrications, and snide references. (He’s even taken to tacking on condescending diminuitives to the ends of people’s names.)

At first he simply edited out reader comments defending me against his diatribes, while making sure to run ill-informed slam letters. Nowadays he does run the occasional supportive commentary, but continues in his replies to incite those readers who don’t know any better and annoy those who do.

Best of all, T.W.I.T. tacks something to the effect of, “But you know, attacking Peter David and John Byrne is pointless and we really should stop” onto every gratuitous slam or irrelevant shot. (Most recently he ran an illiterately composed letter and “jokingly” claimed I was the author. Hey, at least the letter writer signed his name.)

But the next month (or even next page) he’s right back with same old same old.

One wonders about his motivation beyond simple mean-spiritedness.

I figure one of two things: Either T.W.I.T. truly values my opinion—in which case, he’s picked an odd way of going about obtaining my approval—or else the mere fact that I ever dared critique his comments has angered him, because nothing less than 100% approval will do. Which is kind of pathetic, really. As if he’s concerned he’ll vanish if the applause stops.

Most Disruptive Year

Marvel Comics: If the 1970s was the time of the DC “Implosion,” then 1994 was the year of the Marvel “Convulsion,” with cutbacks in both personnel and titles.

Marvel has dubbed it the “Marvelution.” But it’s tough to consider something revolutionary when all the shots are being directed inward. It’s kind of like declaring war on a gangrenous arm. So you grab a hatchet, lop off the offending member, then raise the stump in triumph and shout, “I did it!!” The cut was required, the body may very well heal—but in the meantime, it’s hard to cheer with blood all over the place.

We’ve had months, years, of people claiming that Marvel’s sole aim is to pump out as many comic books as possible. But whereas increased output prompts hostility, cut backs don’t necessarily generate positive vibes with equal intensity—even if they’re healthier and smarter for the company and the industry.

1995 should be an interesting year for the fortunes of The House of Ideas.

Now if someone could just get a mop over there…

Most Missed

(Tie) Jack Kirby and Don Thompson. I think we’re all getting tired of saying, “This was a lousy year since we lost (filled in a lot of blanks).” Maybe part of it is that death is as much a part of life as birth—but we have no idea who was born this year that could be a major influence and beloved figure 20-30 years down the line. So we’re just faced with (as the parody comic covers used to read) death and more death. Perhaps we should cling to the notion that somewhere out there, future greats are getting their diapers changed.

Most Self-Serving Thing I Did

Went to the creator appearance of Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean at New York’s Four Color Images Gallery, promoting Mr. Punch. I’m always reading about how some big star or celebrity went to this opening or that gala, and waited on line to get in, “just like a real person.” I so intended to do that—until I got there and saw that the line was—appropriately enough—endless.

I had another appointment to get to, but I’d told Neil I’d be by to say hello. So I “pulled rank,” walked past everybody, and glad-handed my way in. Felt like a creep.

I’d do it again, though.

Most Ironic Turn of Events

Several years back, a group of Marvel freelancers walked out and created Image. Malibu linked up with Image and was boosted from just another lower end publisher to the No. 3 publishing entity, eating away at Marvel’s market share. Image then cut Malibu loose for reasons that remain a tad murky. But Malibu had enough momentum to make its Ultraverse line a going concern, and maintained a high enough profile, so that it was eventually purchased by—Marvel. Enabling Marvel to (a) have a convenient West Coast production facility and (b) regain some of the market share lost to Image. It’s the Ciiiiircle of Liiiiiife.

Most Fascinating Tag Team Match

DC and Marvel Editorial Developments: You can hear the fans now. “We hate the new Green Lantern! No, wait, we hate the Spider-Clone! No, wait, we hate Zero Hour, especially the JSA stuff! But—but we hate Xerox Hour more! But, oh God, no, over at DC they’re…”

Meantime, sales hold steady or increase. Perhaps we’re seeing a bold new marketing strategy, based on one of the oldest gambits in the world: If you can’t dazzle them with your intellect, baffle them with your—

Most Unfortunate Company Demises

(Tie) Defiant and Innovation: Innovation because it left the Lost in Space comic book without a home. And Defiant because, despite the shaky lift-off, I really was hoping that Jim Shooter’s newest incarnation would fly.

Hmm. Maybe Innovation and Defiant can team up and create a new company called “Deviant.”

Most Annoying Minor Discovery

Reruns of Bosom Buddies on the USA channel have replaced the catchy rendition of Billy Joel’s “My Life”—the show’s long-time theme—with some forgettable ditty about sticking along. Probably something to do with rights, but it bugs me.

Most Ignored Reprint Request

Atlantis Chronicles: Fans ask me about this seven-issue limited series all the time, particularly since Aquaman ties in so heavily (and because I’ve repeatedly said it’s one of the best things I’ve ever written). They keep asking me when DC is going to collect it as a trade paperback. I keep referring them to DC.

To date, DC has received hundreds of inquiries from fans, both through letters and petitions, asking about it.

So a year ago, the sales division turned around and asked a cross-section of retailers whether they would support such a volume. Would they order it in sufficient quantities to make the book worthwhile. And guess what? The answer was, with a handful of exceptions, a resounding “No.” You folks out there who wanted to see it will not, at this point, because suppliers are completely oblivious of the demand and have decided there’s no market for it.

Aquaman editor Kevin Dooley, having pointed out to them that Aquaman is a lot more popular now than he was then, has asked the marketing department to ask the retailers again. They have said they will do so. If you’re one of those folks who’s been asking me about it all these years, you might want to mention it to your local retailer or distributor. If you’re a retailer, tell your distributor. If you want to go on record, drop Kevin Dooley at DC a line telling him you’ve spoken to your retailer about it.

Just don’t keep asking me, because I’m the last person anyone at DC is going to listen to. Me, I’d just like to see this 300-page epic comic story of mine be seen the way I’d always intended (and been promised, ha ha) that it would be seen.

Most Base(balls)

The New York Yankees: NY newspapers ran an advertisement in which the Yankees organization is trying to hawk season tickets for a season that is—as of this writing—still moot. But that alone isn’t what qualifies the team for a “Most.” No, it’s what they promise you if those season tickets turn out to be valuable only as novelty souvenirs for another truncated, or even nonexistent season.

There’s no mention of refunds. Instead the ad says: “If the labor situation is not resolved by Opening Day, the Yankees will announce programs or amenities for our loyal fans who purchased tickets prior to Opening Day.”

Isn’t that great? Sorry, the Yanks won’t be playing the Red Sox today. Instead you’ll get two tickets to a Bon Jovi concert and a month’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat. (Nothing against Bon Jovi, mind you. He’s a fun performer. But I somehow doubt he could hit an inside curve.)

(Peter David, writer of stuff, wonders about the following contradiction—that it’s legal for a state government to execute someone who doesn’t want to die, but it’s illegal for someone who’s already dying to try to execute himself. Simple solution: Make attempted suicide a capital offense. “Tried to kill yourself, eh? Give ‘im the chair!”)