PeterDavid.net

Originally published November 18, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1096

I am put in mind of the old college try (whichever old college that might happen to be).

What has put me in mind of this is Ed Wood, the film about the 1950s filmmaker who is arguably (or maybe inarguably) the single worst director in the history of cinema.

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Originally published November 11, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1095

Assorted stuff:

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When I wrote my first column about Image several years ago, Image personnel angrily said I was ignorant while Marvel personnel (don’t ask me who) congratulated me on a great column.

Recently, I wrote a column about the upcoming mutant crossover, which I dubbed “Xerox Hour.” As a consequence, Marvel personnel angrily said I was ignorant while Image personnel (don’t ask me who) congratulated me on a great column.

There’s a lesson buried somewhere in there, although I’ll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

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I’ve said for years that President Obama doesn’t really have a problem with gay marriage, and the recent announcement that he’s finally come to believe that the anti-gay marriage aspect of the DOMA is unconstitutional would seem to reinforce that. At the VERY least he’s acknowledging that marriage isn’t the business of government, which is what a president should be saying.

You might think that the GOP, always advocating the notion that government should be involved in fewer and fewer aspects of life and staying out of people’s business, would be the first ones to praise this declaration as an example of government acknowledging its limits.

Nah.

A spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner said that “the president will have to explain why he thinks now is the appropriate time to stir up a controversial issue that sharply divides the nation,” particularly at a time when “Americans want Washington to focus on creating jobs and cutting spending.”

Well, let’s see. Not having government lawyers spending countless man hours in a pointless pursuit of marriage bias would seem to be saving some money. So basically Obama announced something that will hurt no one, cost nothing, and save money. As opposed to the GOP representatives who have shown little to no interest in creating jobs and are focusing on spending cuts that hurt lots of people while preserving the interests of big business and NASCAR.

Conservatives. Always good for laughs.

PAD

I never wanted to believe something was an Internet hoax more than when a morose Kathleen informed me that Dwayne McDuffie had passed away.

I’ve known him literally for decades, going back to his days as an assistant editor at Marvel. I loved his work on “Damage Control,” which I always thought was inspired and should have been an ongoing title. I continued to read and enjoy his constantly innovative and groundbreaking work throughout the years, and I was thrilled to have the chance to actually work closely with him on several episodes of “Ben 10: Alien Force” and “Ben 10: Ultimate Alien,” for which he was the story editor. I will never forget sitting in his office as we worked out storylines. There was more than just his physical presence (he was well over six feet tall). He seemed to radiate confidence in his abilities, which was entirely warranted, and he was determined to roll with whatever curves Cartoon Network might throw his way and turn them into the best stories possible. He had boundless enthusiasm not only for his work, but for the sheer creative process. To say he will be missed is to understate it. I offer condolences not only to his family, but to the entirety of fandom for losing one of the great ones.

As for us, right now we’re watching one of his “Ben 10″ episodes and later I’m running out to buy his “All-Star Superman” DVD.

PAD

Updated 7:36 PM–And Rich Johnston reports that Nicholas Courtney, the Brigadier from “Doctor Who,” has also passed away. What a suck-ass day.

Originally published November 4, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1094

We lie to our children practically every day.

When they come to us, whispering their fears, afraid of shadows, afraid of the unknown, we cradle them in our arms, rock them lightly back and forth, and coo repeatedly, “Don’t worry. Everything is going to be OK.”

Except we, as adults, know that this simply isn’t so. Because sooner or later Bad Things are going to happen. Bad and unfair things will happen to you or your loved ones, ravaging your body and debilitating your spirit. During such times there is no guarantee that everything is going to be “OK,” unless you consider dying and being released from the agony of living “OK,” which is, at best, cold comfort.

I am put in mind of this because of two recent experiences.

The first is reading Our Cancer Year by Harvey Pekar and Joyce Brabner with art by Frank Stack.

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The House Republicans voted to defund Planned Parenthood.

And they voted to choke off funding for Health Care.

So they don’t want to do anything to help with birth control…and if you have a child, you’re on your own.

Perfect.

PAD

Well, that’s that. Once again “Spider-Man” makes front page headlines, this time for getting lousy reviews. Because whenever a show gets lousy reviews, naturally that’s front page news.

Particularly cited are the scathing comments from Ben Brantley of the New York Times. This, of course, spells the end. Nothing can possibly survive being shredded like that.
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Originally published October 28, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1093

There are many theories about time travel and the effect that such theoretical activity might have on the world around us.

Let’s say you’re a time traveler, and you go into the past and change things. What effect will that change have? Well, maybe:

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For those not watching it, it was billed as a three day battle between man and machine:  Two champions (Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter) square off against an IBM-created supercomputer called Watson that’s supposed to be better, smarter and faster than any human.

Except that’s not what I’ve been watching.  I’ve been watching an extended infomercial for IBM, and it’s starting to annoy the hell out of me.  I didn’t mind an initial five minute background about how Watson was developed, but this endless plugging of IBM is wearing thin.  It took two days to play a single game of “Jeopardy!” because we basically had a cumulative half hour of extolling IBM’s greatness.

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Originally published October 21, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1092

Assorted stuff:

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I never know what’s going to get a reaction from one week to the next. But one of the biggest reactions I got was when I blew off Native American concerns over Peter Pan. Some people seem to regard me as insensitive.

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Caroline’s been watching the old “Batman” TV series on the Hub. She’s only a year or so younger than I was when I was watching it the first time around, so it’s been interesting to see it from her point of view. I have to tell you, her POV is way more advanced than mine was, and possibly is.

We were watching a third season episode featuring Catwoman (Eartha Kitt). Now Catwoman is hands down Caroline’s favorite villain. She was not the least bit put off by the fact that Catwoman had not only changed actresses but skin color; in fact, she thought it was hilarious when she recognized the voice as being that of the villainess in “Emperor’s New Groove.” As the plot unfolds, it’s revealed that Catwoman has not only gotten involved in crimes in the fashion world, but her ultimate goal is to snare the prized Golden Fleece, valued at–as Doctor Evil would say–one millllllion dollars.

And Caroline impatiently says, “This is wrong. It’s all wrong.” I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “Catwoman only cares about cat crimes. She doesn’t care about fashion. She doesn’t care about a golden fleece. She just only does things with cats.” I realized that she was absolutely right. Batman and Robin routinely would try to anticipate her next move in past episodes by seeing what cat-related events or treasures happened to be in Gotham that might be a target. The golden fleece would hold no allure for Catwoman, as portrayed in the TV series, whatsoever. So I told her, “Well, complain to the writers.” To which Caroline replied, “Who are they? Where are they?” I said, “Well, honestly, by this point, probably dead.”

Turns out I was right. The episode in question was written by one Stanley Ralph Ross, who passed away in 2000. It’s kind of a shame. Because if he were still with us, he would have been the recipient of a letter from an angry eight year old informing him that he had totally screwed up in an episode of “Batman” written forty-five years ago.

The thing is, not only had I not realized just how wrong the story concept was when I was a child, I didn’t even realize it now. Not until Caroline pointed it out. She’s got chops, this kid.

PAD

And then the people shouted “Let my Egyptians go!!” And the ruler, not wanting to make the same mistake twice, stepped down and let it be so. I am so hoping I don’t have to eat more matzoh because of this.

–Ariel David

Having just gotten over being sick, I pushed myself to my bowling league since I don’t like to leave my team down.

Although I wasn’t bowling my best, fortunately my opponent that particular night wasn’t having much better luck. Consequently, in the 10th frame of my first game, all I needed to do was get a mark (a strike or a spare) to lock up my point. But I made a poor shot, missing my target inside. Although the ball was in the pocket, the angle was flat, and the result was a disastrous and rarely seen split: the 7-8-10. For those who don’t know the numbers off hand, the 7 and 10 are the two pins on either far corner (referred to when left alone as “goalposts”) and the 8 pin standing next to the 7 like the groom on a wedding cake. Unless I could clean up my mess, I was leaving the door open for my opponent. It wasn’t like this was a major game with a lot on the line, but it was still a matter of pride.
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Originally published October 14, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1091

Marvel wants us to know that its plans for the mutant books in 1995 (which involves a murderer disrupting the fabric of time and causing bizarre shifts in reality) is not at all a copy of Zero Hour (which involved a murderer disrupting the fabric of time and causing bizarre shifts in reality).

In a way, Marvel is correct. It’s not Zero Hour precisely. First, it’s got “X’s” in it. (X-Posse? Factor-X? Please X-cuse me while I X-pectorate.)

Secondly, Zero Hour is itself a copy of something else, which was a copy of something else in turn. Which would make this latest X-citing development a copy of a copy of a copy. No, not X-actly Zero Hour.

More like “Xerox Hour.”

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Clowns will eat me.

Okay, not really. But it’s been a pretty lousy thirty-six hours. I picked up a stomach virus from Caroline, got up at 2:30 yesterday morning, thew up, and since then have been alternating between sleeping and lying around listlessly.

So now it’s 1 AM, and at least I’m not throwing up, but I’m also not remotely tired. In the meantime I’m worried Kath will come down with it next.

I hate being sick.

PAD

Originally published October 7, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1090

Thanks to the shortened work weeks because of (a) Labor Day and (b) the Jewish High Holy Days, I find myself reaaaaaaaaaaaaal short of time this week. So I’m dipping into the official Filler Column file, and giving you Eman R. Torre’s submission to Mystery Sandman Theater 3000; not exactly what I was looking for when I first suggested the idea, but a truly horrific idea in its own right.

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Here we go. And feel free, for those of you who are interested, to post what you think the final score will be. The closest person gets absolutely nothing.

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As always, I don’t give a crap about the Superbowl. If the Jets had gotten in, there might have been an uptick in my interest. As it is…no.

But I will be live blogging the commercials. So feel free to heat up the nachos tomorrow and hang out.

PAD

Originally published September 30, 1994, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1089

What’s the purpose of labels or ratings?

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The geniuses who program Encore are running Groundhog Day, the Bill Murray comedy in which a guy finds himself endlessly repeating the titular day until he learns to be a better person.

And they’re running it the whole day. Up until midnight. Apparently it’s an annual event.

And what’s the first film after that? Strange Days. The title alone makes it a brilliant fit.

Me, I think if the little vermin predicts six more weeks of this crap, we should beat him to death.

PAD