If it happened now…

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

My little gift to the readers: A chance to exercise your imagination in the Christmas spirit.

Dear Editor: I am eight years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth. Is there a Santa Claus? — Virginia O’Hanlon
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The response she receives.
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Dear Reader: Thank you for your letter. We regret that we cannot respond to all our readers, but we appreciate your support, and also invite you to visit us at our website at www.nysun.com.
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Puzzled but determined, Virginia posts the exact same letter on the website.
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What response, I wonder, would she receive?
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“First!”
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“This poster isn’t eight. What eight year old would say, “My little friends?” Obviously some middle-aged sicko.”
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“Epic Reality Fail!”
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“Troooooolll.”
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“Cut the kid some slack. Maybe she needs some sort of inspirational message about the spirit of Christmas and the nature of Santa Claus.”
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“Don’t be an idiot. This kid, if it is a kid–which I seriously doubt–needs a reality check.”
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“Obvious plant by the Sun. The whole “if I see it there, it must be true.” Yeah, right.”
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Any other thoughts?
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PAD

55 comments on “If it happened now…”

  1. “Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. What your parents have unfortunately failed to explain to you is that a man who breaks into your house in the middle of the night is NOT TO BE TRUSTED.”

      1. .
        He sees you when you’re sleeping.
        He knows when you’re awake.
        He’s always watching you.
        So that means he’s watching you shower.
        He’s watching you change cloths.
        He’s watching you during all of the little private moments you don’t want anyone to know about.
        And he’s watching your mommy and daddy.
        So if he thinks you’ve been bad he’ll tell all your friends about the things you do and tell you all the things you don’t want to know about mommy and daddy.

      1. Actually, there is a real connection between Google and the NORAD tracking. The granddaughter of the man who started the NORAD tracking tradition works at Google (and in fact was the recruiter I worked with when I joined the company).

      2. …and i just heard on “All Things Considered” this afternoon that the NORAD thing originated in like 1957 or ’58 when there was a store that had set up a number for kids to call and get Santa alerts … and it was close enough to a military base number that a few of the kids misdialed and got the base … and someone thought it would be a Neat Thing To Do and good PR, and so…

  6. That’s pretty accurate. Which is why I come here rather than other forums (well, that and I like your writing).

  7. ” Don’t feed the trolls”
    .
    “Posting first will get you banned from this forum”
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    “LMAO”
    .
    “I disagree with the original poster even though she only asked a question and did not express an opinion.”
    .
    ” We’ll have to agree to disagree”
    .
    “Santa is just another way the left is turning us into a socialist country”
    .
    “This article is a waste of time”
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    ” If it is a waste of time why did you took the time to read it and post a comment?”

  8. “On a yuletide episode of MYTHBUSTERS, Adam and Jamie tackle the question of whether Santa can actually squeeze down a chimney.” [Shots of Jamie building a fake chimney, while Adam is fitting Buster the crash-test dummy in a Santa suit and wondering, “How much ballistics gel equals a bowlful of jelly? Let’s find out!”] “Meanwhile Tori, Kari and Grant see if they can create a reindeer propulsion system capable of transporting a sleigh, a fat man, and a large sack of presents. Who are the MYTHBUSTERS…”

    (Actually, given some of the lame myths they’ve done this season, this wouldn’t have surprised me.)

    1. That actually does sound more fun than watching them build gear for the “Storm Chasers” show.

  10. Hi, Gang. Have you seen the news stories about this supposed “Virginia O’Hanlon” letter from the other day? I have. And it got me thinking about how I’ve been letting you down by not talking about one of the great truths I should have talked about a long time ago.
    .
    Gosh, I’ve prayed and prayed over this. I’ve struggled with this because I knew that this would be unpopular. But, gosh darn it, the truth has to be told at some point no matter how much some people will attack me for it.
    .
    Today we’re going to discuss… Santa Claus.
    .
    Yes, that jolly old elf who comes once a year with gifts for all. You ask Santa for what you want and he gives it to you. You don’t have to work for it. You don’t have to pay for it. He just… gives it to you.
    .
    My God, am I the only one who sees the insidious nature of this? Am I the only one who recognizes the danger in this? Well, it seems that I am, but come with me, gang, and I’ll show you what’s wrong with Santa Claus.
    .
    Santa Claus, my friends, was one of the most insidious creations of the early progressive movement. They knew that they had to get them while they’re young… get them while their minds could be molded and twisted with ease. And what better way to do it than to convince children that they could essentially get something for nothing out of life?
    .
    Santa Claus had existed before his transformation by the early progressives of the 20th Century, but the Santa you see before then was vastly different than the Santa Commie who came after and became ingrained in the public consciousness. And like so many things it traces it’s roots back to… Woodrow Wilson.
    .
    You see, Woodrow Wilson had a good friend who ran the New York Times and another who ran the Saturday Evening Post. With their help he was able to create the image and the idea that the early progressives needed. The two papers began to run pictures around Christmas time of a newer image of Santa. But even here they couldn’t help but gloat as they hid their true intent in plain sight. Santa wore many outfits before then with many colors of clothing. He wore white, green, brown and even black. But the progressives Santa? Red. Communist red.
    .
    And so the story was being pushed even harder now onto the public. Christmas was no longer about Jesus. It was about a kindly old man with a white beard who would come into your lives and give you whatever you wanted whether you actually earned it or not. Hmmm… Now why does that sound like something else… We’ll get back to that.
    .
    Now there was of course resistance to this bášŧárdìzáŧìøņ of Santa Claus and Christmas. America had just seen the results of fascism up close in Europe and wanted no part of that ideology. We elected Harding and Coolidge in an effort to undo the damage being done by the early American Progressives, but they were hard at work in other areas.
    .
    Enter Coca-Cola. In 1927 the Coca-Cola Company entered the war on American values by taking Santa Commie and making him their annual Christmas advertising campaign. So effective was this campaign that people today actually believe that Coca-Cola created the modern image we have of Santa. Oh, how I wish it were that innocent.
    .
    By 1933 we had elected uber-progressive Franklin Roosevelt into office. With the progressives back in power and the Great Depression on the horizon the Santa agenda was pushed harder than ever and the Coca-Cola campaign went into high gear.
    .
    Now, you may be asking yourselves what they hoped to accomplish with this. What could they have hoped to achieve back then with such a simple device? As I’ve told you many times before, the progressives don’t do things for immediate results. They know that they would be rejected outright so they work slowly, meticulously and take away from true American values bit by bit over time. Stay with me and you’ll understand how this is being used today and what image is slowly being used to advance the agenda.
    .
    The Great Depression hit in full force and the progressives went into high gear with their “Santa Plan.” All around you people were seeing what they were told was a failure of Capitalism. No one was telling them that this was a carefully constructed depression caused by the progressives. But a lot of people were telling their kids every Christmas to believe in Santa.
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    Capitalism was “failing” all around them and the children only understood that the system was hurting mommy and daddy. But along comes Christmas and a jolly old man with a beard who just… gives you things. Don’t worry about working for something or paying for something was the message. There was a man who would come in and give you what you couldn’t afford to buy for yourself.
    .
    And parents were encouraged to tell their children to go and “ask Santa” for what they wanted. Children are so innocent and sweet. They asked Santa whenever they could. Some of them even sent letters and some would ask Santa before bedtime for the gifts they wanted; almost… praying to Santa.
    .
    And so, throughout the hard times engineered by the early American progressives, it was reinforced in the children to look for a handout every December 25th to make up for the hard times they were going through the rest of the year. They couldn’t afford it and they thought their parents couldn’t afford it, but here comes Santa Claus to “redistribute the wealth.”
    .
    Do you see the insidious nature in this yet, gang?
    .
    You have progressives pushing this false idol into the minds of the children. When they want something, something they can’t get and think mommy and daddy can’t get them, they even… pray to this false idol. And the progressives have rigged the popular culture to encourage parents to encourage their children to do this. If you’re a good parent you… lie to your children. No, you don’t tell them that life is hard or that you sometimes have to sacrifice want you want to live within your means. No, you lie to them and tell them that they can get something for nothing by praying to an old man with a beard and and he’ll just… give it to you. he’ll come along and make it all better.
    .
    Now let’s fast forward over the decades. The progressives slowly imposed their will on other areas of life. They did things that were all for “our own good.”
    .
    One of these things has been the Health-Nazi movement that we’ve been seeing so much more of lately. How does this tie in to Santa? Let me tell you.
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    Slowly, over time, the progressives have changed the popular image of so many things to make them “more healthy and acceptable.” Have you seen a modern picture of Santa? He’s being slimmed down. Universities, the factories of progressive thought, have even issues papers on why a fat Santa would be in poor health. Slowly the jolly old elf with a belly like a bowl full of jelly has been getting transformed into… a thinner old man with a beard.
    .
    Here’s where the image issue I mentioned when discussing the Coca-Cola campaign comes into play and you see the long term planning that the progressives use.
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    They’ve engineered another great “failure” of the capitalist system just in time for the most liberal progressive administration ever to come in and “transform” our country. And the biggest support he has is from the youth movement. Coincidence? Don’t count on it.
    .
    You see, the youth of today have grown up believing that a man with a beard would just give them the wealth they wanted if they just asked for it. They’ve also been been disillusioned by their parents telling them lies when they were young. This was an important part of the plan you see as now when their parents try and tell them that you can’t have something for nothing and that you can’t just expect someone to give you something… Well, that goes against what mommy and daddy told them when they were young and, hey, mommy and daddy lied to you before so why believe them now.
    .
    No, you turn to the old thin guy with a beard for help. You turn to that comforting figure with your hand out. You turn to that thin old man with a beard who promises you something for nothing like mommy and daddy said he would give. You turn willingly and hopefully towards… Your Uncle Sam.
    .
    One hundred years in the making and the most insidious progressive plot ever. From the early days of American progressives like Woodrow Wilson to the man who sits in office now, Barrack Obama. They’ve conditioned our youth for the ultimate handout artist; Uncle Santa Sam.
    .
    The point and tell us that capitalism is failing and the health system is failing and the regulatory system is too week and that all the answers are found in the man with the white beard; Uncle Sam. From Santa to Sam in one hundred years. That’s how long they worked and that’s how evil their tricks are. Indoctrinating generations of children and getting society to lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas.
    .
    But now you know. Now I’ve told you the truth and the truth will set you free. Now you can go and tell others. Please, I am begging you; tell others and let them know the truth as well.
    .
    And tomorrow when you wake up on Christmas morning you can celebrate it by remembering the true meanings of that day. Spend time with your family. Spend time with your loved ones. Spend time with your friends. And give the gifts that really count. Give the gifts that really mean something. Give the gifts that will be there for them when the revolution and the collapse come. Go to my website today and enter the code “ChritmasGlenn” to get special deals on all your Christmas needs and half off of overnight delivery. Yes, tomorrow morning you can be sharing the gifts that last; the gifts that mean something. You too can be sharing cold coins, freeze dried food and the best survival packs money can by just like I do.
    .
    Merry Christmas, gang, and have a Happy new Year.

    3. …Or you could just go with the Obama version: “Children become bitter and cling to Santa and presents because the government let them down.”

      1. .
        No, that would be…
        .
        “Children become bitter and cling to Santa and presents because their parents let them down.”

  12. I’m not exactly sure how it would crop up, but one has to imagine that Godwin’s law would eventually apply to the thread Virginia started.

    1. Whoops! I see that Godwin’s law has already been enforced; I read through the other comments too quickly I guess.

  16. Jerry, you’re a very very sick man. Talented as hëll, but a sick man.
    .
    And as for my offering, “This is not a site where we’ll do your homework for you, kid. Check Snopes or something.”
    .
    TWL
    who just finished trimming the tree

    1. Mr. & Mrs. Simmons would be Mr. Victor Von

      Fabian & Mrs. Dolly Shanon Fabian; Tom Smothers

      would be Johnny Thunder; Jerry O’Connell would

      be Ðìçk Grayson.

      1. Kitchen mouse Cara & Country mouse Kara, Nice.
        Mr. & Mrs. Simmons would be Mr. Victor Von Fabian & Mrs. Dolly Shanon Fabian;Tom Smothers
        would be Johnny Thunder; Jerry O’Connell would be Ðìçk Grayson.

  19. “Sily little girl. your to old too beleve in Santa. the people dont car about u. there to busy woryng about Obama Ben Ladn”

    “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he’s a terrorist.”

    “Is this the post where we scalp tickets?”

    “i jUSt NoTICeD mY MOlE CHangED cOLUr, SHuLd I C mY MEDiCaL gUY?”

    “Find secrets on anyone. Your neighbor, your priest, That Peter David guy, That Joe Duffy guy, Anybody, go to our website here”

    “If this girl believes everything her ‘Papa’ tells her she’s gonna be warped for life”

  20. .
    🙂
    .
    Ha!
    .
    I wrote what I thought would show up by now in a thread like that and it actually keyworded the spam filter.
    .
    🙂

  21. Am I the only one who would try to keep the spirit of Christmas alive within this 8 yr old girl? Whether it was a little girl, or someone pretending to be… What’s the harm in promoting Christmas cheer? Tell her he’s as real as you make him or some such thing. I know.. I’ve grown a little older… Grown a little colder… And could really use a little Christmas.

    1. .
      Grey, I think most of us would. I’ve got two kids and I’m already playing Santa up for the oldest (three years old) for all it’s worth.
      .
      The point of this thread was to write the worst stuff we pretty much expect to see from the net these days. It’s a spoof; a satire. I mean, do you really think I’m Glenn Beck?

      1. Dear Jerry: I am sixty-two years old. Some of my progressive friends say there is no Glen Beck. Papa says “If you see it in Peter David’s blog, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth. Is there a Glen Beck?

      2. .
        Mike, Glenn is… Your friends don’t realize the power of ideas and of the abstract to be real. Glenn is an idea; a powerful idea made flesh and blood in the hearts and minds of many. While some will tell you that Glenn is not “real” he is in fact as real as the drives and desires that fuel and sustain both him and his followers.
        .
        Glenn is a focal point for the wants and desires of those who believe in him and follow him. While their wants and desires exist; Glenn will exist and be real. And Glenn will exist and be real for so long as ignorance, gullibility, malice and hate live in the hearts of men.
        .
        As such, Glenn is real and will always exist.

    2. There’s nothing wrong with it. I love the whole Santa thing myself. Some people don’t like it because they perceive it as “lying to their children”. However, that’s their choice. The way I see it is that people have been using fiction and narratives to teach children for ages. Whether it’s fairy tales, fables, parables or literary tales. The legend and belief in Santa Claus teaches kids that things like hope, faith, kindness and generosity are good, positive things and should be rewarded.

  23. (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

    Here he comes
    Here he comes
    Santa’s got a gun
    He’s flying all around the town and shooting everyone
    Oh my god!
    Oh my god!
    Bodies start to fall
    Santa’s on a rampage and he wants to kill us all

    (to the tune of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)

    I saw zombies eating Santa Claus
    Chewed him up and spart out all the fat
    All they wanted were some brains
    So despite unyielding pain
    He granted them their fondest wish (but only once. He made quite the dish)

    (to the tune of Rudolph)

    Rudolph joined the X-Men
    Along with Cyclops and Jean Grey
    And with his glowing red nose
    He’d go blow Magneto away…

    (to the tune of A Few of my Favorite Things)

    Hobos are wizzing on corners in alleys
    Sloppy wet kisses from fat old any Sally
    You got in trouble; your butt’s in a sling
    These are a few really despressing things

    When it’s too bad
    When it’s so sad
    When you’re getting down
    I simply remember these depressing things
    And then I just feel… real MAD…

    1. TWISTED TOYFARE THEATER had part of a Christmas special with Rudolph joining the X-Men (heard offscreen: “No, Rudolph! Without my ruby quartz visor I can’t control my optic blasts!”)

  25. On/off topic…
    .
    *** Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and have a safe New Year Everybody ***

  26. On a related story, I told a co-worker my theory that “The Christmas Shoes” is actually a scam. Some store has a kid in a back room dressed in raggedy old clothes with the shoes and a bunch of coins in a jar. When they see a potential victim come in, the kid comes out with everything, gets to the checkout just before the mark gets there. The kid gives the whole spiel about Mama meeting Jesus that night, is told there’s not enough money for the shoes, the mark is persuaded to pay the difference and the kid thanks him and then runs out the store — and behind it, where he enters through the back. He goes into the room, where there are more jars of coins, and then waits to sell the same pair of shoes — again, and again, and again.

    My co-worker now calls me “Ebenezer.”

  28. I keep thinking about the Christmas issue of Badger, where Santa tries to get a piece of ášš from a sixteen-year-old British girl, and Norbert has to knock him out and deliver the presents. That’s kinda warm and cuddly compared to some of what I jusr read…

  29. “Yes, Virginia, and I hear that he has a rapidly improving dental plan, a real EMO(Elf Management Operation) under a guy named Phillips, and a small problem with talking mice.”
    .
    Which leads me to ponder, what would happen if Pinky and the Brain met the mice from the Guide? Pinky’d meet Slartibartfast and kneel down, “My God!!!”

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