Top 10 Reasons Why I Should Direct “Iron Man III”

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

With the news that Jon Favreau will not be directing “Iron Man III,” and no successor named, I am hereby informing Marvel West that I am available to step in and take over for him.

I might seem an unlikely choice since I have not, in fact, ever directed a motion picture. But I figure that everyone has to start somewhere. And the fact that I have zero experience in this aspect pales in comparison to all the reasons I should be hired.

1–I’ve seen a lot of movies, many of which have sucked. So I figure, if you can suck at directing a movie and still be hired to do it, then all I have to do is make a movie that doesn’t suck and I’m ahead of the curve. And how hard can that be, really? All you have to do is watch a movie that sucked like, say, “Elektra,” and then do the opposite of everything they did.

2–I’ve actually written the character of Iron Man, which is more than Jon Favreau can say, plus I can sing all the words to the theme song from the old “Iron Man” cartoon.

3–“Peter David” is easier to spell than “Jon Favreau.”

4–I could totally play Happy Hogan.

5–I would get to be in the same room with Gwyneth Paltrow, which would rock. I still remember her from her cameo in “Hook” when, clad in a nightgown, she sat up in a bed and exclaimed, “Peter!” with great excitement which is, by strange coincidence, a recurring dream I’ve had.

6–I would charge a lot less than Jon Favreau. Actually, I’d do it for free. Actually, I’d pay you.

7–I would encourage Robert Downey to do the whole film using his “Sherlock Holmes” accent just to change things up.

8–Three words: Steampunk Iron Man.

9–I’ll bring in the Mandarin and JUST the Mandarin because this obsession with multiple villains has really got to end.

10–3-D? Screw that. I’ll shoot it in 4-D because, when you watch my movie of “Iron Man III,” it’s going to seem like time itself has slowed to a crawl.

PAD

53 comments on “Top 10 Reasons Why I Should Direct “Iron Man III””

  3. Where do I sign?
    .
    And forget “be in the same room as Gwyneth Paltrow” – offer to write the screenplay as well and combine it with #4 in a “Happy and Pepper get together like in the comics” scene so you get to smooch her… That’s clearly where Favreau was heading himself. I’m sure Kathleen would understand!
    .
    Steampunk Iron Man would rock.

  4. i’m sorry i cant imagine the movie going public watching a well made, thoughtful, intelligent movie – so thats why you can’t direct it.the studio bosses will completely rewrite your pitch, and would you want your name associated with the end result? [see alan moore]

  6. Good stuff.
    .
    This move makes me worry, as it feels like Marvel made a financial choice between Downey Jr and Favreau. They’ve already made me cringe by telling Ed Norton to pìšš øff, and now this.
    .
    Its quickly leaving the impression that Marvel Studios is falling into the same trap that other studios have fallen into: uncreative people making creative decisions. Example: Sony and their “brilliant” move in telling Sam Raimi to pìšš øff and rebooting Spidey already.

    1. What worries me is the rumor that one reason Favreau bowed out was that Marvel wanted to cram the movie with a bunch of Avengers-related characters in the wake of that movie. If it’s true, it shows that they’re already falling into the trap of getting bogged down in their own continuity and losing track of storytelling. That’s a sure-fire way to box office death.

      1. Yeah, I saw that too: that part of this may be due to Marvel wanting B/C-listers in the hopes of starting new movie franchises.
        .
        Which means Marvel would have learned *nothing* from Sony’s producers forcing Raimi to include Venom in Spidey 3.

    2. I’m less concerned about the reboot and more concerned about the casting choice. When Spider-Man came out in 2002, Toby Maguire was 27 and playing a high school student. When the Spider-Man reboot comes out in 2012, the new actor (Andrew Garfield) will be 29 and playing a high school student. This is not a step in the right direction.

    1. Go with it Chris!

      Iron Man
      Iron Man
      Does whatever an Iron can.
      Presses shirts,
      squashes ant,
      Puts a crease
      in your pants.
      Look out! Here comes the Iron Man.

      I first read these lyrics in the letters pages of the Iron Man comic back in the late ’70’s. Unfortunately, I don’t have my copies any more, so I can’t give proper credit where it’s due.

      1. The version I remember was in an issue of Byrne’s “She-Hulk,” in a sequence where–in a burst of fourth wall breaking that was really out there, even for her–they had a chase scene where she was tearing through advertising material of a comic book to get away. And in there, related to nothing, is the following:
        .
        Iron Man, Iron Man, does whatever an iron can.
        .
        Presses pants really fine
        .
        Keeps that crease right in line
        .
        Look out! Here comes the Iron Man.
        .
        It wasn’t credited, but I later found out–and I don’t recall how–that Roger Stern came up with it.
        .
        PAD

      3. I have that issue! That is one of the single greatest sequences in comics EVER. That ad page ALONE made the whole comic, it was so hysterical. The issue itself was pretty awesome too. Doctor Bong’s adventures in TV world!

      4. In the “if you’re going to tell a joke, tell it correctly”, don’t forget the part where, while they’re escaping via the ads page, someone either trips or is otherwise injured by the staple.

      5. I think he skinned his knee, specifically, but yeah, priceless!

        Speaking of priceless, the comic price listings were awesome. “Spider-Man #1 – Your right arm. Spider-Man #2 – Your left arm and part of your left leg. Spider-Man #3 – Your first born. Spider-Man #4 – Indentured servitude for a period of no less than 7 years.”

  8. 9–I’ll bring in the Mandarin and JUST the Mandarin because this obsession with multiple villains has really got to end.

    This alone is reason enough to give you the job.

    1. One villain?! Are you crazy! Think about the toy line. How can they sell you 20+ action figures and vehicles if they only has one hero and one villain in the film.
      .
      They probably have all the toys already in a warehouse somewhere and are looking for a writer to come up with a script that use them all.

      1. Easy. When the Mandarin uses one of his rings, a phantom armor image flares up around him, different for each ring. Et voila, ten Mandarin action figure variants.

        Mind you, they didn’t actually release movie Whiplash or drone toys in the regular assortment until very recently, they’re a bit more obsessed with armor variants.

      2. Doesn’t really matter. After all, they had a Robin figure for the Batman Returns toyline (I even bought it). They also had Rhino and Scorpion toys for the Spider-Man 2 toyline and a Deathstroke figure for The Dark Knight toyline.

        I figure the best idea is to take villians that don’t really have much of a chance of starring in an upcoming movie and adding them to the toyline. That way, you won’t step on anyone’s toes regarding character design or even backstory (considering the back of package blurb). So, it would be Mandarin in the toyline, but you’d also have, like Unicorn, Beetle and Grey Gargoyle or someone like that.

  9. Well, Peter, you may have competition from Seth Green & company, who also thought of using the Mandarin: http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/iron-mans-coming.html

    I’m not sure doing the opposite of a bad movie automatically makes a good movie. Using SHOWGIRLS as your cautionary model, you’d have to avoid musical numbers (so much for knowing the words to the original cartoon), skip casting attractive women (bye, Gwyneth!), and not use color. Or sound. The last two could help with the steampunk version, though.

  10. .
    Actually, I might throw my hat into the ring and take a swing at directing it.
    .
    First, we would need to recast Tony.
    .
    Second, since Mickey Rourke did such a good job with the villain, whoever plays whichever villain is in IM3 will have to play him like he’s doing a bad impersonation of Mickey Rourke’s acting job from IM2.
    .
    Third, I really don’t think the set designs had enough gaudy, overly bright neon color schemes in them.
    .
    And lastly, I think we need to redesign the Iron Man armor again. Just one word; nipples.

  11. I’d also love to see steampunk iron man. Time tossed Tony goes Army of Darkness on the Mandarin over the Maguffin/Marcelus’s briefcase. Lab/forge montage. Alchemy trumps alcohol, for a while… Then Stark’s ride shows up in time to see him triumph, design great wall, and redeem himself in their eyes. Reunite with Pepper, discover that comedy sidekick from time trip was actually General Tso or invented abacus. Cut to Tony hovering over Great Wall watching bustle of modern china where he had his great, but unknown, triumph. Message from Jarvis, Hulk didn’t get toy with his happy meal, Avengers Assemble! as Stark zooms into setting sun.

  12. I applaud the ninth reason.
    .
    The fifth knocked me right out of my chair, laughing all the way to the floor.

    1. .
      Uwe B…
      .
      People have been beaten senseless for using less offensive language than that.

  14. >”I might seem an unlikely choice since I have not, in fact, ever directed a motion picture.”

    It didn’t stop Frank Miller. But come to think of it, somebody should have stopped Frank Miller.

    1. Actually he co-directed “Sin City” before the “The Spirit.” I guess he just wasn’t ready to solo.
      .
      I think “The Spirit” would have been a lot better if it had only been good.
      .
      That, and about 80% of the problems would have been solved if Bruce Campbell had played the lead.
      .
      PAD

      1. Well, yes. But Bruce can’t be in EVERY movie. And I wanna keep seeing him in Burn Notice.

  15. Honestly? This is the best idea I have heard all week, I think it would be great to have writers have more creative control and I think your ideas have always been spot on.

    Who would you cast for Mandarin?

      1. I’d go with Ken Watanabe. He got a pitiful amount of screen time in Batman Begins, but he was great in The Last Samurai.

      3. Watanabe is great, no question, but to me Chow has more gravitas. Plus, y’know, the built in tag line: It’s Chow Time.
        .
        PAD

      4. .
        Tony Leung Chiu Wai.
        .
        I don’t think he even speaks English, but I don’t care. Get him a teacher and a language coach and just get him up to speed enough to do his lines. He is an amazing actor and would pull it off to absolute perfection.

  16. Totally hilarious post as per usual… but thank you, thank you for the observation about multiple villains. I always feel like that’s where a once good franchise seems to fail, when they decide, “eh, we’ve seen the Hero fight one Villain, lets see him fight two Villains!” I would totally see a Peter David directed Iron Man movie.

  17. I think that whoever they get to direct, they should go for as much realism as possible and make sure that the director is a rich, womanizing, alcoholic, s.o.b.. Sorry Peter, looks like you’ll lose your chance.

  19. Favreau did write Iron Man. All two issues of it of a four issue mini-series “Viva Las Vegas”. And then he stopped. Most of the pages were silent panels and Adi Granov did what appeared to be heavy lifting. So as long as you have more than 2 issues under your belt of writing Iron Man, you got him beat.

    In fact, I’m still a tad miffed that miniseries never ended. PAD should just write the ending and work in some metatexual angle where it’s all about Favreau leaving Marvel.

  20. You know, I still haven’t seen Iron Man 2. Maybe Santa will bring me the DVD. Or I’ll borrow it from the library. Whichever. Not that I avoided it. I just never got around to seeing it. In fact, I didn’t see either Iron Man or Incredible Hulk until sometime after labor day the summer they came out.
    .
    As to the fake theme song, I guess there’s just something about Iron Man that makes you want to adapt the Spider-Man theme song (Without ever having seen any lyrics in the comics mentioned (or elsewhere) I’d thought of “does whatever an iron can” and the logical next line, “presses pants, any size.” But that’s as far as I got.). You don’t hear people singing “Batman, Batman, does whatever a bat can.” Likewise for Aquaman, Iceman, Plastic Man, Robotman, etc.
    .
    As for PAD directing Iron Man III, I’m not so sure. He makes a good argument with most of the points on his list, but I really think David Peters, writer of the Photon books, would do a much better job.
    .
    What? What’s with all that snickering? They’re the same person? You mean PAD wears those glasses as a disguise?
    .
    Speaking of fake theme songs, back when DC and Marvel had their “Amalgam” event where they “merged” characters together, one of the merged characters was Spider-Boy, an amalgam of Spider-Man and Superboy. In either Spider-Boy or Spider-Boy Team-Up, I forget which, he’s swinging along, singing (paraphrased from memory), “Spider-Boy, Spider-Boy. Has all the best action toys.”
    .
    Guess the 1967 Spider-Man TV series theme song is really popular in the comics world. Certainly holds up better than that TV show did.
    .
    Now if I could only remember the words to the Adam West Batman TV series theme.
    .
    Rick

  21. “You don’t hear people singing “Batman, Batman, does whatever a bat can.”
    .
    Of course not, there’s not enough syllables. And Aquaman just plain doesn’t make sense. “Aquaman, Aquaman, does whatever an aqua can?” Doesn’t work.
    .
    “Now if I could only remember the words to the Adam West Batman TV series theme.”
    .
    I often find myself adapting it to the X-Men. The fact that there’s only one word in the lyrics makes it easy. I always wanted to write an X-Men comic book in which someone (probably Iceman) starts singing it.

  23. You have my vote of confidence! 😉

    I must say, your novelization of the first Iron Man movie totally spoiled me for other portrayals of Tony Stark. And also Jarvis. Your version of Jarvis is made of awesome. I totally boycotted the second movie for not giving him more exposure (especially considering the fact that he was a key character in Irvine’s novelization, which this time I’d read before watching the movie and it got my hopes up to unreasonable levels).

  24. Top Reasons PAD Should Not Direct Iron Man III

    1. Doesn’t give a dámņ about anyone else’s opinion: Would tell Mr. Downey to stop being a baby when he refused to take part in aerial battle with real unibeams. Mr. David is quoted “These crybabies are just asking for it! I’m a professional actor, and have been paid for it, so I know everything! Hey, I’m not through yet.”

    2. Is Much Too Smart to Rely on screenwriters: Will replace red and gold Iron Man suit with torn purple trousers. “Hey, the audience knew what it was getting into when they came to a movie I directed. They should stop being crybabies!”

    3. Will Dispense With Directions to the Actors: “Well, I’ll tell them when they’re being stupid crybabies, but we can cut out that stupid direction stuff. These guys are professional actors, just like me. I’ve gotten paid for doing this, and don’t forget it! Why I played the second doctor in a skit in Bergen County in 1988, so don’t tell me about these namby pamby actors!”

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